(no subject)
I just want to feel better. A little, even. I’d settle for that. It’d be enough to get me back on track. I’m falling apart. The sunshine is so beautiful around this time of year. The weather is to marvel at. I feel in such contrast to it. Even taunted. I hate how I feel. There’s only so much reality tv I can stand to watch in an attempt to lose myself in someone else’s drama, so many indie films that are worth watching. There are only so many bottles of wine and champagne that I can bear to drink before it no longer aids in a cheap escape, and only so many sleeping pills that I can take before insomnia finds a way through it. I’ve traveled this path too many times before, ending up always here. Some thing’s got to change this time. I am breaking, broken, or perhaps beyond repair. This time the distinction is obvious and unbearable. I have fallen, without a doubt, and have lost the ability to gather myself and remount that ambitious horse that has carried me my whole life. Indeed, that horse is waiting, but I’m am unable to stand, unable crawl, unable to move. The temporary patches I’d utilize historically have all proven useless. I look to them as always and they simply fall from my wounds exposing an even greater injury. I hate this so much.
I don’t understand why this has to happen now. My trip is only a month off. How I can leave like this? What if I fall apart in front of Coach Zhu? He’d be so freaked out. And yet, I cannot keep from suffering a breakdown every time I attempt any physical activity. What the hell is happening to me? I just want to be me again. I wish I could tell him. He keeps sending me my training schedules and I wrote him last week telling him I have been feeling sick lately and haven’t been able to train. He wishes me a speedy recovery and says for me to do what I can when I feel better. But I’m not feeling better. Feeling better seems an eternity off. I become asphyxiated by my emotions when I attempt to speak of what is holding me in this paralysis. I couldn’t imagine trying to explain it to him. He’d be afraid of causing further harm, he’d tell me to take time off. He’d say don’t do it if it hurts. It always hurts. It always is a great effort. It has never been easy. And I’ve traveled alone for too long. I don’t need time away -it only deepens the damage. I need a coach who will become even more enthralled with my success than I have ever been. I need endless support to make up for a lifetime of neglect. I need a spotlight bright enough to overwhelm and discourage any future eclipse. I need to be helped beyond my suggestions. I need to be heard even in my silence. I need to be understood beyond my own self-understanding. I need to be carried -if only for a little while.