Trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup.
It slips in and out and through my fingertips. I was thinking about the wind and where it should take me if I were to go. Burn up the past, watch it melt down to ashes, put on your new shoes, and never look back. & Oh what a lovely reinvention it would be.
Lately I've been building and placing up these heavy walls, shutting everyone out again, or rather the human race in itself. The connections I have with certain people.. old ones, rekindled ones, and new ones.. I almost want to break them all. I do not want to care if I lose people, nor do I want to care if they stop speaking to me, because I fear I will eventually drive everyone away with my dreadful heartbroken-nonsense. I rarely even talk to Sara about it although she is the main girlfriend I spend personal time with.I promised my Mother that I would open up to her more and let her in on some of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, though I pretty much broke that promise by barely talking to her. I must truly make it a point not to behave like this, but it is so much safer to be alone sometimes and not feel a thing for anyone, nor care if they feel a thing for you. My issues with trust have been maximized and it is going to take a strong person to truly love me in the future. A strong person to love me overall.. but an even stronger one to fall madly in love with me, read and follow the 'handle with care' sign now firmly cemented to my heart, and stay in love with me. How will anyone be able to do that without getting annoyed or preferring to go with bimbo #7 just because she is light, carefree, and easier to deal with? How can you possibly even make passionate love to a girl like that?.. some guys (and girls) can not tell the difference between that and a hot-fuck anyway, though the difference is the utter lack of any spiritual soul-binding connection. It may still be hot sex to those who do not need that connection, but it is empty sex. When I sleep with someone I want to make love to more than just their body, but also, their soul. When I make love to someone my soul is temporarily bound to theirs, even if it turns out it never belonged to them in the first place. I wonder if it is possible to be loved desperately though still in this slightly stable & healthy manner, because that is what I want. I want someone who would live for me and die for me, but would never have to, because I would die first.
And in relation to what I was writing before, I believe I'm allowing my self-destructive nature to get the best of me for the billionth time, because I know very well that it helps me to 'talk' to people. Even long late-night aim/yahoo conversations with Sara or Kalissa help so much, because I feel these connections with them. However, I just do not know how much I can continue to talk about it, as I have worn the topic out so much every word I say appears redundant, repetative, and old. On the other hand.. I still do not feel I can tell many people everything about what I am going through, and there is only a select few who know aspects that exceed what I have written in this journal.
Then there are these realizations I would rather not have come to recently, which is the main reason why I am so very depressed right now. I am not quite sure if I trust anyone enough to tell them this. I want so terribly just to be able to tell one person, because this would utterly destroy me if I were to give into it. It could destroy me even if I do not.. just the obsessing in itself might do the trick and break me apart. I hate this part of myself, and try to deny it until.. hopefully.. it dies. I suppose it is the slight masochistic side of me. Anyone who has just read this probably thinks I am speaking of something alot worse than it actually is. My basic trouble with writing it down is seeing it in this tangible form before my eyes, making it become even more painfully real. Although, in a way that is what I want. My desire to tell someone comes from wanting them to scold me about it, and once someone else knows, I feel it would strip the desire away from me almost completely.
I wish they sold forget-whatever-pains-you pills so that I may take one and have some sense of peace. I need to run away to a tropical island, lay in it's pure white sands, and bask in the sun whilst listening to the sounds of waves rise & crash before me. It is the only thing I can imagine that will give me the slightest bit of solace. I would be happiest if I lived by the sea.
Lately I've been building and placing up these heavy walls, shutting everyone out again, or rather the human race in itself. The connections I have with certain people.. old ones, rekindled ones, and new ones.. I almost want to break them all. I do not want to care if I lose people, nor do I want to care if they stop speaking to me, because I fear I will eventually drive everyone away with my dreadful heartbroken-nonsense. I rarely even talk to Sara about it although she is the main girlfriend I spend personal time with.I promised my Mother that I would open up to her more and let her in on some of my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, though I pretty much broke that promise by barely talking to her. I must truly make it a point not to behave like this, but it is so much safer to be alone sometimes and not feel a thing for anyone, nor care if they feel a thing for you. My issues with trust have been maximized and it is going to take a strong person to truly love me in the future. A strong person to love me overall.. but an even stronger one to fall madly in love with me, read and follow the 'handle with care' sign now firmly cemented to my heart, and stay in love with me. How will anyone be able to do that without getting annoyed or preferring to go with bimbo #7 just because she is light, carefree, and easier to deal with? How can you possibly even make passionate love to a girl like that?.. some guys (and girls) can not tell the difference between that and a hot-fuck anyway, though the difference is the utter lack of any spiritual soul-binding connection. It may still be hot sex to those who do not need that connection, but it is empty sex. When I sleep with someone I want to make love to more than just their body, but also, their soul. When I make love to someone my soul is temporarily bound to theirs, even if it turns out it never belonged to them in the first place. I wonder if it is possible to be loved desperately though still in this slightly stable & healthy manner, because that is what I want. I want someone who would live for me and die for me, but would never have to, because I would die first.
And in relation to what I was writing before, I believe I'm allowing my self-destructive nature to get the best of me for the billionth time, because I know very well that it helps me to 'talk' to people. Even long late-night aim/yahoo conversations with Sara or Kalissa help so much, because I feel these connections with them. However, I just do not know how much I can continue to talk about it, as I have worn the topic out so much every word I say appears redundant, repetative, and old. On the other hand.. I still do not feel I can tell many people everything about what I am going through, and there is only a select few who know aspects that exceed what I have written in this journal.
Then there are these realizations I would rather not have come to recently, which is the main reason why I am so very depressed right now. I am not quite sure if I trust anyone enough to tell them this. I want so terribly just to be able to tell one person, because this would utterly destroy me if I were to give into it. It could destroy me even if I do not.. just the obsessing in itself might do the trick and break me apart. I hate this part of myself, and try to deny it until.. hopefully.. it dies. I suppose it is the slight masochistic side of me. Anyone who has just read this probably thinks I am speaking of something alot worse than it actually is. My basic trouble with writing it down is seeing it in this tangible form before my eyes, making it become even more painfully real. Although, in a way that is what I want. My desire to tell someone comes from wanting them to scold me about it, and once someone else knows, I feel it would strip the desire away from me almost completely.
I wish they sold forget-whatever-pains-you pills so that I may take one and have some sense of peace. I need to run away to a tropical island, lay in it's pure white sands, and bask in the sun whilst listening to the sounds of waves rise & crash before me. It is the only thing I can imagine that will give me the slightest bit of solace. I would be happiest if I lived by the sea.