Sharp cut aching breath.
It's been a while since I have felt so lifeless and devoid of energy. I attribute what I thought was inexplicable fatigue to this time of month.. I was literally waiting for two weeks.. headaches, bodyaches, high emotions, fluctuating moods, and raging hormones.. for two weeks! My breasts had swelled to the point where they were sore to the touch and hurt whenever I put my clothes on. I thought something was wrong with me, and now I feel slightly better, though still quite manic where all my thoughts and feelings are concerned. I am more vulnerable now to past, though not so old, buried pain and anything that might arrise to trigger it. I think that for the most part of my life, it is going to be this constant battle with suicidal thoughts. It's not something that ever really goes away for me, like this persistant disease, even though I know I truly want to live; It's a voice that likes to toy with me.
I am a ridiculously erratic and moody girl, I should slap myself on the wrist or punish myself for not taking full recognition of this. I cannot feel the exact same way all of the time from one day to the next. I find myself believing other people would expect this of me, yet the only pressure there seems to be is that of I place on myself. I let people in only to shut them out, and then I find myself wondering why I feel so alone. Will I ever let go of these fears? ..especially after all this.. I can never seem to trust how genuine people appear to be. I honestly not only like, but need to be alone sometimes, however I find I often feel this way even when I do not want to be, or intend to be when there are many other people in the same room. This lonliness just won't leave me alone. It loves to linger and embrace. I haven't listened to Portishead in months because it reminds me too much of late nights in his car. yet.. I was the one who'd play them. They were my band. My music. One of my favorites. But I can't bear to listen. He'd sing along with me sometimes or this particular line of 'Glory Box', in which whenever I listen, I hear.. A thousand flowers could bloooom.. in his voice. But flowers never did bloom; The love passed away before it honestly ever began. Don't ever sing the favorite songs of your lovers in front of them, and then break their heart. They won't be able to listen to their favorite song ever again.
It seems I'm in conflict with certain aspects of myself, and questioning why the hell I want to start dating again, as well as all of my motives. a friend of mine has parties just about every week at her house, Wednesdays, and she continues to invite me. I had already considered going, but I have to now seriously think about the situations I'm begining to place myself in. I am shifting and struggling between several personalities right now. It's as if little demons have been piercing and poking away at my insides, tearing and trying to get my limbs to collapse from the inside out.. break her make her fall apart.. but I still try to be strong the only way I know how. I realize that hope is never truly lost.. with anything. No matter what happens, how many negatives you are dealt, or how dire a situation may appear; Hope is a state of mind. The simple refusal to be hopeless brings hope in itself, unless you are lost in indifference, which I cannot imagine a worse place to wander around aimlessly in. As long as the desire continues to burn inside, there will be hope because you have made it so. I want to be happy more than anything in this world, and so there is hope, because I yearn for it that much,so all I can do is hope I will be at peace with myself someday.
A friend of mine mentioned something in her journal I found interesting. I remember catching little articles in magazines titled, Help! I'm in love with three men, and questioning whether it was possible to be in love with several people at once. For some reason, it seemed highly unnatural for me to think about, yet I understand now that it is not a question of what is possible or not as an entire human race. Everyone is different. I believe love is different for everyone as well.. including the way we experience love.. along with an individual's capacity to love.. and how many people they can be in love with at once. I personally don't possess the ability to fall in love with more than one person, from my experience with falling in and out of love and in again. My heart merges and meshes with a another heart in a way that wouldn't allow me to, which is why I'm more devastated than some people understand in the end. I've been in love several times, and once I fall for someone, the love I have for the previous person is not diminished, but the feelings of being romatically in love with them are. I've said many times that I am too naturally devoted for what is perhaps my own good, but in any case what love is cannot be so easily determined, however it is more possible it may be defined as to what it is not. If a person is never inclined to act purely on love, then I have a problem believing it is love, because love moves and drives you to do something about it. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action and deliverance of some kind. I'm not even talking about huge tasks or climbing mountains, but rather, pure expression. I suppose the ideal thing would be to not only fall in love with someone who loves you, but who's idea of love is compatible with your own, otherwise I can imagine how there would be conflict. However.. love will forever remain a concept that is open to question, exploration, and wonder. I think I am in such a battle with myself sometimes, because I know that being in love with someone who basically no longer exists, frustrates me in this sense that I feel it holds me back from opening up to anyone else in the future. Then I remember that I may not be able to love more than one person at a time, but it would not be something I ever had to worry about anyway, because I will never have to make room in my heart for another as it will already be there. I am certainly able to fall out of love, and when I do, it is forever. I'm an extremist in both ends.
Speaking of love.. I have been obsessed with 'Moulin Rouge' for so long, and it always brings me giddiness yet leaves me in tears and sadness. I was watching this movie again yesterday, and I have to mention for the billionth time how much I adore Ewan Mcgregor; Especially in this film. The way his love for Satine is depicted is the ideal kind of love to me, and he is just the most wonderfully adorable thing in Moulin Rouge. I love him.
Christian: Love? Love. Above all things I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.
I am a ridiculously erratic and moody girl, I should slap myself on the wrist or punish myself for not taking full recognition of this. I cannot feel the exact same way all of the time from one day to the next. I find myself believing other people would expect this of me, yet the only pressure there seems to be is that of I place on myself. I let people in only to shut them out, and then I find myself wondering why I feel so alone. Will I ever let go of these fears? ..especially after all this.. I can never seem to trust how genuine people appear to be. I honestly not only like, but need to be alone sometimes, however I find I often feel this way even when I do not want to be, or intend to be when there are many other people in the same room. This lonliness just won't leave me alone. It loves to linger and embrace. I haven't listened to Portishead in months because it reminds me too much of late nights in his car. yet.. I was the one who'd play them. They were my band. My music. One of my favorites. But I can't bear to listen. He'd sing along with me sometimes or this particular line of 'Glory Box', in which whenever I listen, I hear.. A thousand flowers could bloooom.. in his voice. But flowers never did bloom; The love passed away before it honestly ever began. Don't ever sing the favorite songs of your lovers in front of them, and then break their heart. They won't be able to listen to their favorite song ever again.
It seems I'm in conflict with certain aspects of myself, and questioning why the hell I want to start dating again, as well as all of my motives. a friend of mine has parties just about every week at her house, Wednesdays, and she continues to invite me. I had already considered going, but I have to now seriously think about the situations I'm begining to place myself in. I am shifting and struggling between several personalities right now. It's as if little demons have been piercing and poking away at my insides, tearing and trying to get my limbs to collapse from the inside out.. break her make her fall apart.. but I still try to be strong the only way I know how. I realize that hope is never truly lost.. with anything. No matter what happens, how many negatives you are dealt, or how dire a situation may appear; Hope is a state of mind. The simple refusal to be hopeless brings hope in itself, unless you are lost in indifference, which I cannot imagine a worse place to wander around aimlessly in. As long as the desire continues to burn inside, there will be hope because you have made it so. I want to be happy more than anything in this world, and so there is hope, because I yearn for it that much,so all I can do is hope I will be at peace with myself someday.
A friend of mine mentioned something in her journal I found interesting. I remember catching little articles in magazines titled, Help! I'm in love with three men, and questioning whether it was possible to be in love with several people at once. For some reason, it seemed highly unnatural for me to think about, yet I understand now that it is not a question of what is possible or not as an entire human race. Everyone is different. I believe love is different for everyone as well.. including the way we experience love.. along with an individual's capacity to love.. and how many people they can be in love with at once. I personally don't possess the ability to fall in love with more than one person, from my experience with falling in and out of love and in again. My heart merges and meshes with a another heart in a way that wouldn't allow me to, which is why I'm more devastated than some people understand in the end. I've been in love several times, and once I fall for someone, the love I have for the previous person is not diminished, but the feelings of being romatically in love with them are. I've said many times that I am too naturally devoted for what is perhaps my own good, but in any case what love is cannot be so easily determined, however it is more possible it may be defined as to what it is not. If a person is never inclined to act purely on love, then I have a problem believing it is love, because love moves and drives you to do something about it. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action and deliverance of some kind. I'm not even talking about huge tasks or climbing mountains, but rather, pure expression. I suppose the ideal thing would be to not only fall in love with someone who loves you, but who's idea of love is compatible with your own, otherwise I can imagine how there would be conflict. However.. love will forever remain a concept that is open to question, exploration, and wonder. I think I am in such a battle with myself sometimes, because I know that being in love with someone who basically no longer exists, frustrates me in this sense that I feel it holds me back from opening up to anyone else in the future. Then I remember that I may not be able to love more than one person at a time, but it would not be something I ever had to worry about anyway, because I will never have to make room in my heart for another as it will already be there. I am certainly able to fall out of love, and when I do, it is forever. I'm an extremist in both ends.
Speaking of love.. I have been obsessed with 'Moulin Rouge' for so long, and it always brings me giddiness yet leaves me in tears and sadness. I was watching this movie again yesterday, and I have to mention for the billionth time how much I adore Ewan Mcgregor; Especially in this film. The way his love for Satine is depicted is the ideal kind of love to me, and he is just the most wonderfully adorable thing in Moulin Rouge. I love him.
Christian: Love? Love. Above all things I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love.