(no subject)
I am far too passionate to be contained.. defined.. categorized.. and put into a box. I need to be set free, be able to feel what I want, say what I want, and express myself the way I want to. And though no one can, I have deep contempt for anyone who even tries to take that away from me. Livejournal is madness. Oddly enough I feel more inhibited here than I have anywhere else. It's a love/hate relationship. Some people seem to be under the impression you are here to write for and please them. They see an emotional person and they find it amusing to attempt & break them. The judgemental types.. the disrespectful let-me-put-my-uneccessary-two-cents folks.. and the thieves. I have seen enough in the past week coming from all directions to make me deeply despise this place. Everyone wants to bud in and destruct where they see fit. I just want to write in my fucking journal. I am sure some of you took notice of the brash entry I wrote the other day, because I received messages from certain people saying it surprised them. I do not see why. There is an ugly side to everything including emotions, and when I begin to feel a personal place of expression for me has become tainted, I lash out and attack. When someone takes my words apart to a certain extent for a critical purpose, I feel as if everything I have written suddenly loses meaning. It bothers me just as much as when people I know offline actually recite lines back to me. I want to eliminate and kill. I let you in to a certain extent, but there are boundries you must never cross, and if this upsets you so much then I suggest you ask yourself why you care? I will not censor or hinder myself much from what I write about anymore, and if I feel the desire to, then sometimes I will just cross it out instead like a good old-fashioned paper journal. If I write about love too much for you to handle, you are free to go. My journal does not come equipt with a loaded, cocked back, & aimed-at-you gun. I am currently learning from my experiences as well as mistakes, on top of the fact I am very passionate about love, so it will be written about here very often to say the least. To me.. love is life. It makes the world spin on it's axis and has taught me more than I could ever learn in ten lifetimes without it. I am more emotionally experienced than a number of people I have met, and I think I finally know what I want and could do without. I feel sorry for those who do not see love as being at least a big part of life, and I am not just referring to romantic love either. Life seems so empty to me otherwise. From here on I will not care, all comments made by those not on my friends list are screened anyway, so I will just 'delete' and ban them if neccessary. I tried to do this at first when some rude comment was left in my journal not too long ago, they excused themselves for it, I accepted.. however.. people love to push and continue to poke at you. This is where I lose it and I make no apologies for that, though I realize this is what they want. They want you to lose control.. they want to affect and upset you.. because they see vulnerability, yet forget to take notice of the strength that lies underneath. If one has no interest in my journal, then why do they come back for more?
"Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is. Every day it hurts a little less, and then one day you wake up and the pain is gone. But the funny thing is you learn to miss that pain because, like her, it was a part of your life for so long." - Swingers
I am so conflicted I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. This bitterness and hatred shifts in and out, and I can not seem to pick, choose, & pinpoint how I truly feel. Saturday afternoon I was getting dressed, walking around my room throwing clothes on the bed, trying them on, taking them off, and I don't even think I knew what I was doing since I was so heavily deep in thought. I began thinking of him, though in this odd way. I realized how much I miss him, and I was not missing him as a lover which is something I miss every day since this happened, though I am not so sure anymore..
Perhaps, now it just has more to do with wanting someone to make love to, and I still love this ghost of him, so these desires still tend to shift to him. I'm so confused only in different ways. I sometimes crave and hunger for someone to make love to constantly, not because of dependency, but because I'm this raging passionate-slut inside that needs to share all that intense energy with someone containing equal passion for me.. or more. I want someone who will take my breath away and not only consume, but frighten me with their intensity for once. You can take me and control me as long as you keep me.
I was missing him as a person. Separating him from all the pain he has caused me & missing the sort of free-spirit I knew him to be. If you take away my love, and this intense attraction-thing that never seemed to cool off, he might have been someone I would have wanted to be friends with. Perhaps we wouldn't have had the most 'in depth' conversations in the world, but there was something about his enthusiasm on life and light-heartedness that was good for me to be around. I fed off of his energy sometimes, he was this light to my darkness, and I suppose it was one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. I don't always know how to accept and embrace the good qualities in someone, as well as open up to them revealing some of my secrets, and not love them somehow. He was all wrong as my lover, and completely opposite of most of what I'd wanted in one, unless I could have settled for something less serious, in which I would have had to leave way before than I did. His attentive and caring nature only carried so far, and it was never there when I needed it most. I suppose all the thinking had me on the edge for some reason...
I don't know what to do with all this love in my heart. I don't know where to put it. And even though it wouldn't be healthy right now, sometimes I just wish I could fall in love with someone else, just so I have somewhere to redirect it. It's sitting there burning a hole in this vessel within my chest, I'm hoping it will fall through and out, & disintegrate. I would give anything to just not love him anymore. It makes me so very tired. I'm so tired. I must forget my passion for love for a while.. but where is my niche???
"Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is. Every day it hurts a little less, and then one day you wake up and the pain is gone. But the funny thing is you learn to miss that pain because, like her, it was a part of your life for so long." - Swingers
I am so conflicted I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. This bitterness and hatred shifts in and out, and I can not seem to pick, choose, & pinpoint how I truly feel. Saturday afternoon I was getting dressed, walking around my room throwing clothes on the bed, trying them on, taking them off, and I don't even think I knew what I was doing since I was so heavily deep in thought. I began thinking of him, though in this odd way. I realized how much I miss him, and I was not missing him as a lover which is something I miss every day since this happened, though I am not so sure anymore..
Perhaps, now it just has more to do with wanting someone to make love to, and I still love this ghost of him, so these desires still tend to shift to him. I'm so confused only in different ways. I sometimes crave and hunger for someone to make love to constantly, not because of dependency, but because I'm this raging passionate-slut inside that needs to share all that intense energy with someone containing equal passion for me.. or more. I want someone who will take my breath away and not only consume, but frighten me with their intensity for once. You can take me and control me as long as you keep me.
I was missing him as a person. Separating him from all the pain he has caused me & missing the sort of free-spirit I knew him to be. If you take away my love, and this intense attraction-thing that never seemed to cool off, he might have been someone I would have wanted to be friends with. Perhaps we wouldn't have had the most 'in depth' conversations in the world, but there was something about his enthusiasm on life and light-heartedness that was good for me to be around. I fed off of his energy sometimes, he was this light to my darkness, and I suppose it was one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place. I don't always know how to accept and embrace the good qualities in someone, as well as open up to them revealing some of my secrets, and not love them somehow. He was all wrong as my lover, and completely opposite of most of what I'd wanted in one, unless I could have settled for something less serious, in which I would have had to leave way before than I did. His attentive and caring nature only carried so far, and it was never there when I needed it most. I suppose all the thinking had me on the edge for some reason...
I don't know what to do with all this love in my heart. I don't know where to put it. And even though it wouldn't be healthy right now, sometimes I just wish I could fall in love with someone else, just so I have somewhere to redirect it. It's sitting there burning a hole in this vessel within my chest, I'm hoping it will fall through and out, & disintegrate. I would give anything to just not love him anymore. It makes me so very tired. I'm so tired. I must forget my passion for love for a while.. but where is my niche???