(no subject)
Yeah, it hasn’t been so fun lately though I say it’s been great. I say I like it, and I don’t. I feel like a failure. I feel like life is hard, and I am down and out but really people see me as being on the top of my game. I wanted to cry when I got off of work last night. I don’t feel like I am going to get the hang of it. My preceptor is a bitch. My sister has made my job harder, seems like she didn’t like anyone when she worked there, and now they don’t like me by default.
Last night when I was falling asleep a thought came to my head, I want to go to school to get my paramedic, emt-b just isn’t enough. I think I would really like it more so then definitive care. It makes sense to me in a way that I never thought it would. Really all I want is some stability. I want to know that I don’t have to worry. I want to feel like I am making a difference. Last night I saw a woman hug a paramedic that helped her husband, but no one hugged me. Yes, I know that I didn’t save that mans life, but I felt like that’s where I need to be.
It’ Valentines Day, whoopee. It rained hard last night with thunder and lightening, and I loved every second of it hoping that today would be the same. I secretly wanted today to be the nastiest Valentine’s Day ever. I’ve always felt that rain-washes all the nastiness I’ve felt away, and what I wouldn't do just to wallow in my own yuck.
I can remember years ago when Janies lived at Park Regency and it rained for something like two weeks straight and everything flooded everywhere. It was a very depressing time in her life. I stayed with her just to make sure she didn’t do anything rash. Her and I became very close at that time, closer then her and I had ever been before. When it finally did stop raining she had coped with that time in her life, she slowly moved on. I wish I had that, I need to just let it all slip away.