Nov 23, 2009 14:08
Last night I had a moment. One of those moments that separates those who can cope from those who can't. And for the first time in a good long while I found myself on the can't cope side of the line.
It's such a small thing, but it bothers me slightly that I couldn't just be an adult and shake his hand. Or say "you sounded nice". Maybe even just "nice job"? Like my behavior last night just proves to me that if someone hurts me badly enough I really do just cut them out and ignore them for the rest of ever. I don't even know if it's about if the other person is quality or not so much as it is about me not seeming to want to fix things. Or working to fix things.
Maybe I'm just forgetting why I moved on in the first place? Freshman year was so far away, and just so different from right now. If you asked me at this point last year where I thought I would be in terms of friends/relationships at this pint in time I definitely wouldn't have thought that it would come to this. Most of the time I can make some sort of sense of everything, but this little thing was enough to get me thinking. Sometimes it sucks being so in tune with what I'm feeling.
This, of course, is not the only thing on my mind today. I went to UHS because I felt ill and so I'm not going to any of my classes (not to mention that we don't have choir today anyway and so I'd be done for the day if I did go to classes).
I'm really disappointed in Max. I don't want to cause a scene, but I really am. It bothers me that someone who I considered one of my closest friends could choose to go on a willy-nilly---not to mention poorly executed---road trip to Toronto instead of being supportive of me. Especially when I asked him to be there multiple times AND went to him stressing on Wednesday night about how I didn't think that I had the capability of coping with a recital and a (pretty much stage five) crush at the same time. He couldn't even tell me "I can't be there, I'm sorry, good luck you'll do fine" like my other friends did? Heck, I got facebook messages as early as 7AM on Saturday wishing me good luck.
What's more, is that I'm sure if I bring it up to him he won't understand. Or he'll find a way to make it about him. Or even more likely he'll find a way to make it about Barry. Because of course a friend who can't get his life in order and is the epitome of hot mess but has a good time is more important that the friend who turns to you for a lot and listens to a lot of your bullshit in turn and supports you EVEN THOUGH he doesn't think everything you do is a good idea. I mean, seriously?! I even defend him to my friends who don't always like to listen to him because he does tend to cross the line with his sense of humor and say some off-color things.
I can't help but feel that things like this happen to me because of the whole going both ways thing. I think that it scares some people; fuck, it scares me sometimes. I know that not everyone has seen where I was versus where I am, and I know that most people don't get to deal with people like me all that often. But what makes me frustrated is that sometimes people stereotype on multiple levels, and I'm tired of it. Who I date doesn't define me (which is partially due to the fact that I can't seem to get a date, which is a topic for a different post on a different day).
Take for example the parties that I never get invited to. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like all of my girl friends go together and have a great time and I don't ever find out about them until after the fact. Probably because my friends don't want to risk me making a whole bunch of awkward situations and/or hitting on the wrong gender, whichever gender that may be. It really sucks to see the pictures on facebook afterward. Granted I couldn't really go out last weekend, but like, still. And then to be told "oh you can just come" after the fact?
And so now I'm not quite sure what to do about any of this. We all know that I don't like drama, nor do I particularly enjoy feeling the need to use "I statements" to advocate for myself and how I feel. It's like in both cases I get made out as desperate or dramatic or oversensitive, and I don't know how to fix it. Other than just to not say anything thus not put myself out there. And then the cycle continues...