I need to get out of here!
I really need a vacation from this vacation or something like it, because I'm like having problems functioning due to interference from outside sources.
1. New Boy- I enjoy the attention but I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about him while he's ready to jump in the sack and call me his boyfriend. Is this bad? I mean, I think part of it is his high school mentality of "oh we went on a couple dates we're boyfriends now" juxtaposed with my college/twentysomething "we went on a couple dates we're dating and getting a feel for things now" mentality. Don't get me wrong, he's really sweet and cute and such, but even hinting at that four letter l-word on the second date is a bit much, not to mention some other things that I don't feel like repeating at the moment. It's just an eh moment of questioning.
2. Being home- I love my room, my house, my kitchen, my bathroom...not to mention the close proximity to a large metropolitan city. I miss the Boston/Metro area a lot when I'm at school, partially because I've had so many good times here, partially because I simply like being in and around a city. However, being home is coupled with living with my Mother and sister again. I love them a lot because they're my family, but lately they've been driving me fucking nuts! I do not like the diva that my sister is becoming at all...the other day she said "Rhianna needed to be slapped it's good Chris Brown hit her." That should have been the biggest indication that she's not the sweet little girl she once was. Her newest thing is playing the helpless teenage girl card, not to mention milking the whole divorced parents situation. It bothers me to no end when she complains about being caught in the middle because my Mom then talks to me about it and somehow it becomes my fault. Like, excuse me for learning some coping skills...?! That's what I love about school, it's got a different set of stressors that are altogether easier to digest, whereas at home my Mom gets in my face about a lot of different things and rather often at that. I swear in the almost two weeks I've been home there have been about six different episodes of her freaking out at me about something. And to paint a picture, we work opposite schedules and rarely spend time together. I understand that it's difficult watching your children grow up, but nothing gets on my nerves more than when she tries to micromanage my life and hold shit over my head despite the fact that I'm TWENTY YEARS OLD...nevermind almost halfway to 21!
Perfect example: after tonight's screaming match (which consists of my Mom quickly becoming agitated...often while doing something to help my sister...and me trying my hardest just to take it with an occasional "can you breathe for a second and not yell?") I went for coffee with Tiffany and Deirdre. Thank God that they were free and willing to accompany me, because otherwise who knows what could have happened. And so when I get through talking to them about all of this and drive them home, it's about 11 (mind you I left the house around 9:30/9:45). Of course I get a phone call at 11:01 from Mommy dearest, "Where are you? You're so selfish the dog is going to wake me up when you get home how long does it take to get coffee? This is unfair I'm seriously going to take away your car." To which I could barely squeak "I'm on the way home". And so when I did get home, and shut off the light in HER car so that her battery wouldn't die (because that would somehow be my fault and she'd wind up taking my car and fucking me over for the day) the dog barked, to which I said "Bella, shhhh" and my Mom said "NO. That's her job. You're selfish." and I responded "Goodnight, Mom." and she said "We're talking about this tomorrow you just wait..." and I stopped listening after that.
I can't live under these conditions...seriously I feel like I'm going to wind up imploding and having a massive panic attack becuase she makes moutains out of molehills what feels like every other day. She expects me to be home at 9:30 every night just to be around for my sister. Excuse me for having a life?! She's 14, what the fuck does she do when I'm at school? I'm not going to cut short my best friend's birthday celebration to be home because my diva sister doesn't like it. I didn't like living with my father for the first 13 years of my life, but I had no choice. I also didn't like being apologized to that I didn't get to go to private school for high school or college after the fact and after I've said "I'm making it work don't worry about it". Nor do I like hearing "Oh people are sorry you're at UMass they feel bad." No need to rehash things.
Not to mention that if this boy and I do become something, how do I tell my Mom? Because I'll have been dating him behind her back. Oh, and I'm not convinced she's as accepting or as understanding as she claims to be, either, and I think it's going to be a problem.
Urgh. Anyway, I need to go to bed. Then get out of here. Tomorrow's night out is going to be such a welcome distraction.
1. New Boy- I enjoy the attention but I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about him while he's ready to jump in the sack and call me his boyfriend. Is this bad? I mean, I think part of it is his high school mentality of "oh we went on a couple dates we're boyfriends now" juxtaposed with my college/twentysomething "we went on a couple dates we're dating and getting a feel for things now" mentality. Don't get me wrong, he's really sweet and cute and such, but even hinting at that four letter l-word on the second date is a bit much, not to mention some other things that I don't feel like repeating at the moment. It's just an eh moment of questioning.
2. Being home- I love my room, my house, my kitchen, my bathroom...not to mention the close proximity to a large metropolitan city. I miss the Boston/Metro area a lot when I'm at school, partially because I've had so many good times here, partially because I simply like being in and around a city. However, being home is coupled with living with my Mother and sister again. I love them a lot because they're my family, but lately they've been driving me fucking nuts! I do not like the diva that my sister is becoming at all...the other day she said "Rhianna needed to be slapped it's good Chris Brown hit her." That should have been the biggest indication that she's not the sweet little girl she once was. Her newest thing is playing the helpless teenage girl card, not to mention milking the whole divorced parents situation. It bothers me to no end when she complains about being caught in the middle because my Mom then talks to me about it and somehow it becomes my fault. Like, excuse me for learning some coping skills...?! That's what I love about school, it's got a different set of stressors that are altogether easier to digest, whereas at home my Mom gets in my face about a lot of different things and rather often at that. I swear in the almost two weeks I've been home there have been about six different episodes of her freaking out at me about something. And to paint a picture, we work opposite schedules and rarely spend time together. I understand that it's difficult watching your children grow up, but nothing gets on my nerves more than when she tries to micromanage my life and hold shit over my head despite the fact that I'm TWENTY YEARS OLD...nevermind almost halfway to 21!
Perfect example: after tonight's screaming match (which consists of my Mom quickly becoming agitated...often while doing something to help my sister...and me trying my hardest just to take it with an occasional "can you breathe for a second and not yell?") I went for coffee with Tiffany and Deirdre. Thank God that they were free and willing to accompany me, because otherwise who knows what could have happened. And so when I get through talking to them about all of this and drive them home, it's about 11 (mind you I left the house around 9:30/9:45). Of course I get a phone call at 11:01 from Mommy dearest, "Where are you? You're so selfish the dog is going to wake me up when you get home how long does it take to get coffee? This is unfair I'm seriously going to take away your car." To which I could barely squeak "I'm on the way home". And so when I did get home, and shut off the light in HER car so that her battery wouldn't die (because that would somehow be my fault and she'd wind up taking my car and fucking me over for the day) the dog barked, to which I said "Bella, shhhh" and my Mom said "NO. That's her job. You're selfish." and I responded "Goodnight, Mom." and she said "We're talking about this tomorrow you just wait..." and I stopped listening after that.
I can't live under these conditions...seriously I feel like I'm going to wind up imploding and having a massive panic attack becuase she makes moutains out of molehills what feels like every other day. She expects me to be home at 9:30 every night just to be around for my sister. Excuse me for having a life?! She's 14, what the fuck does she do when I'm at school? I'm not going to cut short my best friend's birthday celebration to be home because my diva sister doesn't like it. I didn't like living with my father for the first 13 years of my life, but I had no choice. I also didn't like being apologized to that I didn't get to go to private school for high school or college after the fact and after I've said "I'm making it work don't worry about it". Nor do I like hearing "Oh people are sorry you're at UMass they feel bad." No need to rehash things.
Not to mention that if this boy and I do become something, how do I tell my Mom? Because I'll have been dating him behind her back. Oh, and I'm not convinced she's as accepting or as understanding as she claims to be, either, and I think it's going to be a problem.
Urgh. Anyway, I need to go to bed. Then get out of here. Tomorrow's night out is going to be such a welcome distraction.