"But where was the warning?"
Hokay, soh. I haven't updated in forever, I know that. But it's for a good reason: I've been too busy to have feelings. And I think back to when I set up this schedule and realize that that was one of the benefits of taking so many credits (the main reason, of course, is so that I can get my two bachelor's degrees and graduate on time including a semester of studies in Paris). What was I thinking? I've got so much to do, and so now when there is something that happens that makes me think about things in a different way, say for example, something that makes me question my very identity, it just exacerbates the situation.
My bed is covered in textbooks: I had a massive presentation and a rather involved writing assignment due today, but the sad thing is that I have another massive presentation (which isn't in such great shape) that's due Thursday. Not to mention the studio recital next week, the fact that I'm spending this weekend in Montreal, the notion that tech week for "bare" is two weeks away, and that I still have an INC from last semester to resolve. Oh, and juries. Those wonderful year-end stressors...they ARE the PMS symptioms to the proverbial month that is a year in the life of a music major. Hite says I don't have much (if anything) to worry about...it's just one of those things that type-A TJ needs to have go perfectly.
But here's the real problem: am I going to be able to be successful as a performer? This semester I feel like I've made some serious growth as a musician and that I've expanded on my ability to understand texts and create characters. But do other people see this? Last week, my director for "bare" said to the two leading men, "You guys are supposed to be hiding the fact that you're gay. I intentionally cast straight men in these roles so that wouldn't be a problem. But your movements are getting a little gay right now, and it's kind of offensive." (Just to clarify, both of the leading men are straight, and their characters are the two (gay) leads and are in a closeted relationship at a Catholic boarding school. Sounds like high school to me...just saying.)
The only thing offensive there to me is what she said. I mean, am I overreacting or does that sound like discrimination? How about the thousands of men who have to hide the fact that they're gay, or bi, or even a little confused? So is the fact that I am...rather was...comfortable in my own skin going to give me hell in the peformance world? Are people going to look at me and see a sexual orientation (often not even the correct one) instead of a talented, well-rounded person? Because I don't think I'm ready to face that.
Maybe I'm oversensitive to it, but I get kind of sad when people make comments about me being "gay". Let's get it "straight" right here and now: I'm NOT straight and I'm NOT gay, either. I fall somewhere in between the two. And it took me a damn long time to be comfortable with that, because it doesn't follow any sort of binary rule and is kind of frowned upon by most members of the straight and gay communities. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great, but like, sometimes I feel like even my closest friends don't take me seriously when it comes to being bisexual. Even if they don't say it...sometimes I feel like it's kind of obvious how they feel.
I shouldn't let anyone's comments get at me like this. But the thing is, I know that I'm one of the most (if not the most) talented person in that cast. I've been singing since before I could talk, and I know the struggles of the main character personally. But would things have been different if people didn't think that I was gay? (Answer: most definitely. Chances are I'd have a much easier time finding a date, not to mention that people wouldn't have any distractions from my personality or anything to blame any of my quirks on).
What bothers me more is that I identify most with the final two words of the finale in this situation, that I have "no voice." I don't want to cause a scene or come across as a diva, especially becuase this comment was made about a week ago, but at the same time a little voice inside me tells me that it's important to speak up about something like this, especially due to the sensitive subject matter of the play. But tonight, at "20 minutes" where we talk about our concerns with the producer I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just sat, and said that everything's fine. That I'm enjoying myself. And it's the truth...most of the time I do enjoy myself a lot at rehearsal. Being in a musical has brought something back to me that I was afraid that I had lost. And it's something that I hope to hold on to for the rest of my life.
Am I doomed to not address the things that bother me?
My hope is that other people don't find themselves in this cunundrum. It's not fun. It's sticky. And sour. Both things leave a rather foul taste in my mouth. But thank you for letting me bare my soul to you (no pun intended). I really need to inspire myself into researching through another 7 sources of information on African (specifically Malian) musical traditions and practices. Goodnight.
My bed is covered in textbooks: I had a massive presentation and a rather involved writing assignment due today, but the sad thing is that I have another massive presentation (which isn't in such great shape) that's due Thursday. Not to mention the studio recital next week, the fact that I'm spending this weekend in Montreal, the notion that tech week for "bare" is two weeks away, and that I still have an INC from last semester to resolve. Oh, and juries. Those wonderful year-end stressors...they ARE the PMS symptioms to the proverbial month that is a year in the life of a music major. Hite says I don't have much (if anything) to worry about...it's just one of those things that type-A TJ needs to have go perfectly.
But here's the real problem: am I going to be able to be successful as a performer? This semester I feel like I've made some serious growth as a musician and that I've expanded on my ability to understand texts and create characters. But do other people see this? Last week, my director for "bare" said to the two leading men, "You guys are supposed to be hiding the fact that you're gay. I intentionally cast straight men in these roles so that wouldn't be a problem. But your movements are getting a little gay right now, and it's kind of offensive." (Just to clarify, both of the leading men are straight, and their characters are the two (gay) leads and are in a closeted relationship at a Catholic boarding school. Sounds like high school to me...just saying.)
The only thing offensive there to me is what she said. I mean, am I overreacting or does that sound like discrimination? How about the thousands of men who have to hide the fact that they're gay, or bi, or even a little confused? So is the fact that I am...rather was...comfortable in my own skin going to give me hell in the peformance world? Are people going to look at me and see a sexual orientation (often not even the correct one) instead of a talented, well-rounded person? Because I don't think I'm ready to face that.
Maybe I'm oversensitive to it, but I get kind of sad when people make comments about me being "gay". Let's get it "straight" right here and now: I'm NOT straight and I'm NOT gay, either. I fall somewhere in between the two. And it took me a damn long time to be comfortable with that, because it doesn't follow any sort of binary rule and is kind of frowned upon by most members of the straight and gay communities. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great, but like, sometimes I feel like even my closest friends don't take me seriously when it comes to being bisexual. Even if they don't say it...sometimes I feel like it's kind of obvious how they feel.
I shouldn't let anyone's comments get at me like this. But the thing is, I know that I'm one of the most (if not the most) talented person in that cast. I've been singing since before I could talk, and I know the struggles of the main character personally. But would things have been different if people didn't think that I was gay? (Answer: most definitely. Chances are I'd have a much easier time finding a date, not to mention that people wouldn't have any distractions from my personality or anything to blame any of my quirks on).
What bothers me more is that I identify most with the final two words of the finale in this situation, that I have "no voice." I don't want to cause a scene or come across as a diva, especially becuase this comment was made about a week ago, but at the same time a little voice inside me tells me that it's important to speak up about something like this, especially due to the sensitive subject matter of the play. But tonight, at "20 minutes" where we talk about our concerns with the producer I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I just sat, and said that everything's fine. That I'm enjoying myself. And it's the truth...most of the time I do enjoy myself a lot at rehearsal. Being in a musical has brought something back to me that I was afraid that I had lost. And it's something that I hope to hold on to for the rest of my life.
Am I doomed to not address the things that bother me?
My hope is that other people don't find themselves in this cunundrum. It's not fun. It's sticky. And sour. Both things leave a rather foul taste in my mouth. But thank you for letting me bare my soul to you (no pun intended). I really need to inspire myself into researching through another 7 sources of information on African (specifically Malian) musical traditions and practices. Goodnight.