the more you learn, the less you know
to all of you who think i'm smart,
i was overwhelmed this semester. it's over and i barely made it out alive. i can't do everything, i'm really not that smart. i BARELY made acceptable grades this semester, i probably blew my chances at a respectable grad school... i was telling you people i wasn't going to do well, but nobody listened. i was so depressed this semester. i did too much. i'm not working next year... no no no... maybe i'll tutor, but that's it... anyways... i've been thinking a lot about a lot lately. it's a luxury, really, to have the free time to think about what i want to think about, even though i shouldn't. i should be studying vocabulary flash cards for the GRE. i was talking to my mom in the car tonight... it's happening again... i am not sure what i want to do with myself. my mind is all over the place. i'm not sure what i want to do or who i want to be, or where i want to be. i don't know if i want to be stuck in a lab doing research for the rest of my life... i was thinking of just going to grad school anyways and i'll find out there... then, maybe go to med school but who knows if i could do that. i know i sound pathetic... i have really low self-esteem right now. i feel like i let others influence me way too much. other people are shaping my identity for me and that is why i keep having second thoughts. i need to not listen to anyone, really... especially my adviser.
i am a rising senior at a private four year college and do you know what i now realize college is worth?? NOTHING... absolutely nothing. if i don't go to grad school or med school, i'm going to be a pathetic loser with a meaningless job... uuh... four years? where did they go? i guess all college is good for is to show your skills for grad school... isn't everything just a way to prepare you for the next step? when does it end? or does it ever? when do you sit down at the end of the day and say to yourself that you're satisfied with your life? that you've achieved your goals and that you are happy? does that ever happen? is everything ever going to fall into place for me or am i going to go to grad school, hate research, try to go to med school, be an intern, find out i hate it, be influenced to do something else that seems like a good idea at the time and eventually hate it... aaah... =( so maybe my spontaneity i take so much pride in is the root of my frustration... maybe incorporating everything that is ever said, every opinion that is ever expressed is a huge waste of time, rather than a way of compiling data to come out with the best answer... maybe i need to somehow block it all out... ALL OF IT and everyone just for a while... like meditate or something and find out what i really want to do... who i really am... what my purpose is... then maybe, just maybe i'll take one step all on my own towards that feeling... whatever it is
i was overwhelmed this semester. it's over and i barely made it out alive. i can't do everything, i'm really not that smart. i BARELY made acceptable grades this semester, i probably blew my chances at a respectable grad school... i was telling you people i wasn't going to do well, but nobody listened. i was so depressed this semester. i did too much. i'm not working next year... no no no... maybe i'll tutor, but that's it... anyways... i've been thinking a lot about a lot lately. it's a luxury, really, to have the free time to think about what i want to think about, even though i shouldn't. i should be studying vocabulary flash cards for the GRE. i was talking to my mom in the car tonight... it's happening again... i am not sure what i want to do with myself. my mind is all over the place. i'm not sure what i want to do or who i want to be, or where i want to be. i don't know if i want to be stuck in a lab doing research for the rest of my life... i was thinking of just going to grad school anyways and i'll find out there... then, maybe go to med school but who knows if i could do that. i know i sound pathetic... i have really low self-esteem right now. i feel like i let others influence me way too much. other people are shaping my identity for me and that is why i keep having second thoughts. i need to not listen to anyone, really... especially my adviser.
i am a rising senior at a private four year college and do you know what i now realize college is worth?? NOTHING... absolutely nothing. if i don't go to grad school or med school, i'm going to be a pathetic loser with a meaningless job... uuh... four years? where did they go? i guess all college is good for is to show your skills for grad school... isn't everything just a way to prepare you for the next step? when does it end? or does it ever? when do you sit down at the end of the day and say to yourself that you're satisfied with your life? that you've achieved your goals and that you are happy? does that ever happen? is everything ever going to fall into place for me or am i going to go to grad school, hate research, try to go to med school, be an intern, find out i hate it, be influenced to do something else that seems like a good idea at the time and eventually hate it... aaah... =( so maybe my spontaneity i take so much pride in is the root of my frustration... maybe incorporating everything that is ever said, every opinion that is ever expressed is a huge waste of time, rather than a way of compiling data to come out with the best answer... maybe i need to somehow block it all out... ALL OF IT and everyone just for a while... like meditate or something and find out what i really want to do... who i really am... what my purpose is... then maybe, just maybe i'll take one step all on my own towards that feeling... whatever it is