And they never knew nothing of love....
Let's explore the dangers of revelling and reckoning. You know when you say things, and it's not really what you meant to say, but you find yourself in a frenzy of verbosity and things tend to just come out? Danger... not danger in the "uh-oh my feelings are on haywire" kind of way but danger in the "words are hotter than flames and wetter than water" sort of way. The post I made last night was one of those things I happened to say. Do I regret it? To a point But i try not to regret things. I feel awful about, and i read it almost as if someone else wrote it. Hardtimes call for desperate measures right? Call me dramatic...
At risk of this being read by said person(s) the last post was about, I would like to add...I don't feel like I am not in control of these things. But theres nothing mor eintimidating to me than feeling vulnerable. I hate it. It's damn scary! No body likes to feel vulnerable. So I make the appearance of not being prone to vulnerability (IE: public nudity, acting, stating my opinions etc...) things a seemingly entirely confident person would do. Well yes, i am confident, but I lack acknowledging my vulnerability. So when I feel someone or something gets close...breaks past my barriers ("dont you know me baby, Im the new berlin wall") i go on the major defensive. i get passive. I walk away. I sing! I dance! Or...i end up saying things that have little to no substance JUST to drive the other thing or person away. Why? It's reckless! It's detremental to relationships. WHY?! Because it is a safety net. I've given alot of thought to this as of late. And it's ironic, I pass my interpersonal communications class with flying colors. But really, I have been dwelling on this a good deal. i'm not saying im devoid of 'letting people in' Alot of people I consider myself very close with and very vulnerable to. But when it come sot matters of the heart, if you catch my drift...I get scared. now lets think about this one...
My mother was a home-wrecker of sorts. She cheated on my father repeatedly, for many years. Sometimes to our (me and my brothers) knowledge, and sometimes not. My father on the other hand, paid no due to the matters at hand. He was a worker. he made the money. he bought the house. He worked. Worked and worked and worked...and when my parents were around, the supportive warm moments you see in christmas movies with families were few and far between. I remember for awhile as a child, my brother Nick and i slept in a closet...a CLOSET...full of toys and piss soaked sheets and pillows. We shared this space with another kid named Shane. He was the kid of the guy my mom was bumpin at the time. This situation, and similar ones were concurrent throughout my upbringing. Granted, I learned alot. You grow an air of independence when you need to fend for yourself socially and emotionally, call it instinct i guess. Anyway my point is my dilemmas reflect alot of my upbringing. I see men hurt my mother all the time. Main momets I rememebr of my mom was her upset because Mike did this, or so and so did this...etc. I saw the pain she went through. I didnt understand it, but i saw it and rememebred it. It's tough to convince yourself that not everyone is like that after awhile. Even when you see your own mother...your fortress break down so easily because of these influences. BUT... (lets start a new paragraph, just for the hell of it...)
But, with more time, and as you have already adjusted to your own personal growths, you realize not everyone IS like that. It's ok to love and be hurt. it's ok to let friends come and go. It's strange, but without vulnerability, I can't imagine the psyche having much room to grow. I mean yes it's influenced but an open mind is a vulnerable mind, right? Makes sense, I think. I think too much....
On other notes, not so pontifical. Justin and I needless to say are on the rocks. We talked this morning, anf i explained (NOT justified...sheesh) the circumstances I was under when I had said the things I had said to him. Super shitty. And I blame myself, naturally. I feel like my guts have been ripped out. And Im getting that buring sensation in my chest. It's either guilt or heartbreak. Heartbreak over hurting someone important, just to clarify. I feel absolutely terrible. And i apologize immensely to anyone who has been around m in the last couple days, i know im not the best of company, but Im in a rough spot, and i apologize. Anyway, i apologized profusely to Justin (a-ok with the vulnerability). It killed me though...he didn't even look me in the eyes. Not like I blame him. but shit...I havent hurt that bad in a long time and I feel liek such a DICK! Oi. He said he needed time to think. I totally respect that. I feel like if nothing is going to continue, i atleast want to know i left him ok. Not my decision to make though....
Dammit. On these thoughts, I need to hit the sack. i open tomorrow...
OH and real quick. FOr whatever its worth, and if you did happen to get this far. PLEASE come see the directing scenes on Monday Oct 20th at 3:30pm in the stagehouse theatre at grossmont. Thats the main stage (where they do all the plays...duh) for those of you who don't know. Im in a scene and would love people to come and support. Night.
-Current music: Silence.
-Current Mood: Sad.
At risk of this being read by said person(s) the last post was about, I would like to add...I don't feel like I am not in control of these things. But theres nothing mor eintimidating to me than feeling vulnerable. I hate it. It's damn scary! No body likes to feel vulnerable. So I make the appearance of not being prone to vulnerability (IE: public nudity, acting, stating my opinions etc...) things a seemingly entirely confident person would do. Well yes, i am confident, but I lack acknowledging my vulnerability. So when I feel someone or something gets close...breaks past my barriers ("dont you know me baby, Im the new berlin wall") i go on the major defensive. i get passive. I walk away. I sing! I dance! Or...i end up saying things that have little to no substance JUST to drive the other thing or person away. Why? It's reckless! It's detremental to relationships. WHY?! Because it is a safety net. I've given alot of thought to this as of late. And it's ironic, I pass my interpersonal communications class with flying colors. But really, I have been dwelling on this a good deal. i'm not saying im devoid of 'letting people in' Alot of people I consider myself very close with and very vulnerable to. But when it come sot matters of the heart, if you catch my drift...I get scared. now lets think about this one...
My mother was a home-wrecker of sorts. She cheated on my father repeatedly, for many years. Sometimes to our (me and my brothers) knowledge, and sometimes not. My father on the other hand, paid no due to the matters at hand. He was a worker. he made the money. he bought the house. He worked. Worked and worked and worked...and when my parents were around, the supportive warm moments you see in christmas movies with families were few and far between. I remember for awhile as a child, my brother Nick and i slept in a closet...a CLOSET...full of toys and piss soaked sheets and pillows. We shared this space with another kid named Shane. He was the kid of the guy my mom was bumpin at the time. This situation, and similar ones were concurrent throughout my upbringing. Granted, I learned alot. You grow an air of independence when you need to fend for yourself socially and emotionally, call it instinct i guess. Anyway my point is my dilemmas reflect alot of my upbringing. I see men hurt my mother all the time. Main momets I rememebr of my mom was her upset because Mike did this, or so and so did this...etc. I saw the pain she went through. I didnt understand it, but i saw it and rememebred it. It's tough to convince yourself that not everyone is like that after awhile. Even when you see your own mother...your fortress break down so easily because of these influences. BUT... (lets start a new paragraph, just for the hell of it...)
But, with more time, and as you have already adjusted to your own personal growths, you realize not everyone IS like that. It's ok to love and be hurt. it's ok to let friends come and go. It's strange, but without vulnerability, I can't imagine the psyche having much room to grow. I mean yes it's influenced but an open mind is a vulnerable mind, right? Makes sense, I think. I think too much....
On other notes, not so pontifical. Justin and I needless to say are on the rocks. We talked this morning, anf i explained (NOT justified...sheesh) the circumstances I was under when I had said the things I had said to him. Super shitty. And I blame myself, naturally. I feel like my guts have been ripped out. And Im getting that buring sensation in my chest. It's either guilt or heartbreak. Heartbreak over hurting someone important, just to clarify. I feel absolutely terrible. And i apologize immensely to anyone who has been around m in the last couple days, i know im not the best of company, but Im in a rough spot, and i apologize. Anyway, i apologized profusely to Justin (a-ok with the vulnerability). It killed me though...he didn't even look me in the eyes. Not like I blame him. but shit...I havent hurt that bad in a long time and I feel liek such a DICK! Oi. He said he needed time to think. I totally respect that. I feel like if nothing is going to continue, i atleast want to know i left him ok. Not my decision to make though....
Dammit. On these thoughts, I need to hit the sack. i open tomorrow...
OH and real quick. FOr whatever its worth, and if you did happen to get this far. PLEASE come see the directing scenes on Monday Oct 20th at 3:30pm in the stagehouse theatre at grossmont. Thats the main stage (where they do all the plays...duh) for those of you who don't know. Im in a scene and would love people to come and support. Night.
-Current music: Silence.
-Current Mood: Sad.