no rest for the wicked
kevin talked to me. im still in disbeliefe. hes still mad at me but he says that if things keep going the way they did tonight it might go away... or at least something to taht effect. im too tired to remember word for word. we talked on line for a while and then he had me call him. and we were fine talking on the phone. we didnt fight or yell or argue with each other. we had a nice little conversation. u know... im not being selfish but i do wonder what it had been that he had bought me for my b-day. i mean i know he's probobly returned it by now but... eh im curious. curiousity killed the cat... good thing im not a cat... and i dont have to worry about megan because shes a kitty.
grrr.... im like nausious again. i have been for the majority of the past two weeks. and its starting to worry me. ive been having more shooting pains than ever before. yeah im scared, hell im terrified. ive had surgery once and i remember it quiet well, its a scary thing and an expierence i wish not to repeat.
school starts tomorrow. hurray! i guess. i think im gonna pick angela, eden and megan up at like six in the morning and go to starbucks. mmmm coffee. :-D
*sighs* sarahs not too happy that im talking to kevin. she doesnt understand y i let him talk to me like that. and how he lets amber say all that stuff to me and about me but if i say anything its the end of the world. and how im his back up and that hes gonna use me as long as i let him.
yeah i do feel like that sort of. but i guess im just this stupid to keep going back to him. i see where shes coming from but right now im just so confused. i know he doesnt really care about me right now. but i still care about him and yeah hes my first love and i always will, as everyone else says.
and eden even yelled at me in a comment on kevins lj and megan said that edens just tired of me being so upset about him. and that she wants me to get over him and to be happy again. well im trying i really am. but yeah i love him to death and i will love him even after death.
im torn between two worlds.
one ... where i can see what ppl mean about me getting rid of kevin in my life and moving on and that hes not worth my time and how im much better off without him and how he doesnt care about me and that amber is changing him and soon he will consider me dead because of her. and that im the back up and that he calls me when he needs help and then once hes over those feelings then he'll just drop me again.
and the second is a world where i want to still be friends with kevin, i want to still be with him. where i want his forgiveness and i want to be involved in his life. and that i know he still loves me and he even told me so.
i dont know what to do. im so lost. i just want it all to end. im trying to fix things but it doesnt seem like i can be friends with everyone and that hurts because i love all my friends and i dont want to choose between them. im tired of the drama im tired of being hurt im tired of hurting myself. i mean look what ive done to myself! so wednesday im gonna ask to go to pv and maybe that will help me straighten out things in my life. hell maybe i'll even go to sonora, vicky had good luck with them and i love how positive she is now. i want to be like that without forcing it on myself.
ambers comment about me just going and dieing or something, that brought back harsh memories i had locked away. memories from st. micheals. where everyone save for cynthia wanted me dead and gone. i thought i had exscaped that. yeah i had a few ppl in middle school who felt that but i was able to push that aside after a while. but for someone to say it to me like that, to my face practically or at least my lj face, that hurt. and all i had asked was for her to just leave me be. i havent had someone say that to me for so long, even in middle school they didnt have the nerve to tell me to my face. the ppl at st. micheals did, they would come up to me and say "y arent u dead yet?"
so thanks amber. that really did hurt. wheather u care or not, it still hurt me. and i care about being hurt. and yeah i care that ur hurt too. kevin said ur going through shit too well i from what i know u and me are alot alike. i used to run away when i was little. i dont now because my parents said they'd call the cops and let me sit in juvi. for a while not to mention when i go for the door i get thrown across the room. only when i would run away i had no where to go, no one to be there for me. i had a teddy bear, and i still have that bear and i still sleep with it to this day. call me childish if u want but that bears my best damn friend. i remember walking up that long road to the dirt one that would take me to river holding onto my bear for dear life and crying my eyes out till i almost couldnt see where i was going. i remember standing at the top of the hill looking down at my house and seeing my mom glaring at me from the window. i remember the throbbing in my face from her hand. perhaps tahts y i cut my face... because its a fimiliar feeling that ive done something really wrong. my own mother has even said she wanted me locked away.
all these memories had locked away never to return but they did and in full force and now i begin the long struggle to lock them back up.
but now if u will excuse me. i need sleep and i need away from the computer. these lj things cause so much problems yet for some dumb ass reason we all keep doing it. but i think i know y. its a way to write how we feel, to tell ppl whats going on in our lives. a way to get things off our chests. and thats what i use mine for. to get things out and if i were to write it on paper the chance of my mother seeing is far greater and i know that she would take everything i say and use it against me in every possible way. she loves me but its a cruel love.
well good night all. i shall write again soon. until then i shall say farewell. and i meant no offence to anyone if anyone has been offended. im just letting things out so that it doesnt build up too much. so good night.
-Love Kayla
grrr.... im like nausious again. i have been for the majority of the past two weeks. and its starting to worry me. ive been having more shooting pains than ever before. yeah im scared, hell im terrified. ive had surgery once and i remember it quiet well, its a scary thing and an expierence i wish not to repeat.
school starts tomorrow. hurray! i guess. i think im gonna pick angela, eden and megan up at like six in the morning and go to starbucks. mmmm coffee. :-D
*sighs* sarahs not too happy that im talking to kevin. she doesnt understand y i let him talk to me like that. and how he lets amber say all that stuff to me and about me but if i say anything its the end of the world. and how im his back up and that hes gonna use me as long as i let him.
yeah i do feel like that sort of. but i guess im just this stupid to keep going back to him. i see where shes coming from but right now im just so confused. i know he doesnt really care about me right now. but i still care about him and yeah hes my first love and i always will, as everyone else says.
and eden even yelled at me in a comment on kevins lj and megan said that edens just tired of me being so upset about him. and that she wants me to get over him and to be happy again. well im trying i really am. but yeah i love him to death and i will love him even after death.
im torn between two worlds.
one ... where i can see what ppl mean about me getting rid of kevin in my life and moving on and that hes not worth my time and how im much better off without him and how he doesnt care about me and that amber is changing him and soon he will consider me dead because of her. and that im the back up and that he calls me when he needs help and then once hes over those feelings then he'll just drop me again.
and the second is a world where i want to still be friends with kevin, i want to still be with him. where i want his forgiveness and i want to be involved in his life. and that i know he still loves me and he even told me so.
i dont know what to do. im so lost. i just want it all to end. im trying to fix things but it doesnt seem like i can be friends with everyone and that hurts because i love all my friends and i dont want to choose between them. im tired of the drama im tired of being hurt im tired of hurting myself. i mean look what ive done to myself! so wednesday im gonna ask to go to pv and maybe that will help me straighten out things in my life. hell maybe i'll even go to sonora, vicky had good luck with them and i love how positive she is now. i want to be like that without forcing it on myself.
ambers comment about me just going and dieing or something, that brought back harsh memories i had locked away. memories from st. micheals. where everyone save for cynthia wanted me dead and gone. i thought i had exscaped that. yeah i had a few ppl in middle school who felt that but i was able to push that aside after a while. but for someone to say it to me like that, to my face practically or at least my lj face, that hurt. and all i had asked was for her to just leave me be. i havent had someone say that to me for so long, even in middle school they didnt have the nerve to tell me to my face. the ppl at st. micheals did, they would come up to me and say "y arent u dead yet?"
so thanks amber. that really did hurt. wheather u care or not, it still hurt me. and i care about being hurt. and yeah i care that ur hurt too. kevin said ur going through shit too well i from what i know u and me are alot alike. i used to run away when i was little. i dont now because my parents said they'd call the cops and let me sit in juvi. for a while not to mention when i go for the door i get thrown across the room. only when i would run away i had no where to go, no one to be there for me. i had a teddy bear, and i still have that bear and i still sleep with it to this day. call me childish if u want but that bears my best damn friend. i remember walking up that long road to the dirt one that would take me to river holding onto my bear for dear life and crying my eyes out till i almost couldnt see where i was going. i remember standing at the top of the hill looking down at my house and seeing my mom glaring at me from the window. i remember the throbbing in my face from her hand. perhaps tahts y i cut my face... because its a fimiliar feeling that ive done something really wrong. my own mother has even said she wanted me locked away.
all these memories had locked away never to return but they did and in full force and now i begin the long struggle to lock them back up.
but now if u will excuse me. i need sleep and i need away from the computer. these lj things cause so much problems yet for some dumb ass reason we all keep doing it. but i think i know y. its a way to write how we feel, to tell ppl whats going on in our lives. a way to get things off our chests. and thats what i use mine for. to get things out and if i were to write it on paper the chance of my mother seeing is far greater and i know that she would take everything i say and use it against me in every possible way. she loves me but its a cruel love.
well good night all. i shall write again soon. until then i shall say farewell. and i meant no offence to anyone if anyone has been offended. im just letting things out so that it doesnt build up too much. so good night.
-Love Kayla