Cosmic Fallouts and Disillusions...
Today was your typical boring day... clean, write, clean some more, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, that was my day. At least my room is nice and snazzy. I can actually walk across it without having to tip-toe through it as if I were wading through a mine field. So, yays for being responsible for once.
I'm considering on starting an original short story, although, the premise is not exactly mine, it belongs to a close friend of mine. He is into photography and filming and he has this wonderful idea that would translate well onto film. Once, he explained it to me though, I really got the urge to write it down as an actual story. I'll probably start it soon, and try to switch between my WIP (Aniron) and this story as my musings come and go.
Speaking of my friend, boyfriend, buddy that's a guy; whatever...I really do enjoy spending time with him, because of how intelligent and engaging he can be. I can actually have an intellectual conversation with him and not have to worry that I will either get bored or that whatever we talk about will go over my head. We have so many interests in common that it is extremely easy for us to find something to talk about. It's also nice that I have known him as long as I have. There really isn't much awkwardness when we're together. It's definitely a relief for me knowing that we don't have to go through that uncomfortable stage when people start seeing each other. I have always dreaded that feeling. Just a few days ago though you could say that it was at a bit of a standstill between us, but recently everything has changed. Can I actually go as far as to say that I'm hopeful? I haven't felt like this in a very long time.
He is incredibly kind and thoughtful and now that we've, as many would call it, progressed, he's extremely affectionate and I am timid about it at times, because the idea of being remotely affectionate with another person is slightly foreign to me. It used to not be, but I've shut myself off for so many years that I really couldn't tell until he came along. When he's that way though, it really makes me feel happy, calm and secure. I never knew that I craved that type of attention. I always used to push it aside. It was never important to me, or at least I believed that it wasn't. I am intelligent enough to know that all people (women and men) need intimacy in their daily lives. I always just figured that I either didn’t deserve it for whatever cosmic disillusions I might have had about myself or that I could push the longing for it to the background because I wasn’t worth the effort anyways. I can see just how much of a fallacy that was.
I think the idea of finding someone to share your life with is sometimes more complicated than it needs to be. I look back at the past fifteen years and can only think that, ‘Wow, this person has been there the entire time', and while I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he was there, unlike many people, I certainly didn’t go out of my way to make it a secure possibility. I have absolutely no misgivings about the past though, because I have two beautiful children who are amazing and they’re my top priority. If I hadn’t of made the decisions I have made in the past then they wouldn’t be here with me now, and I cannot imagine a world without them in it. I just think the purpose of sharing your time with another person (in an amorous way) is not only to experience happiness and a sense of contentment, but to help you grow and develop as an individual. If you are with the ‘right person’ for you, then it makes you want to become a better person not only for the other person involved, but for yourself, as well. While I have had bouts of wanting to better myself, it has never meant as much as it does now. My children, of course, are the main inspiration for this, but it’s also nice to feel like you have someone who cares enough to want to see you progress in whatever endeavors you may have. I only hope that I can support, encourage and care for him as he has done for me.
Since this whole thing with him has started I have repeatedly asked myself if I was worth it. If there are any reservations I have about our relationship it is because of me and the current situation that I am in. It truly isn’t fair to him that I am technically tied to someone else, not emotionally or out of loyalty, but out of legality. I will always be tied in some way to my soon to be ex-husband and his family. We share two beautiful children together and I truly have come to love his family as my own. This divorce will not lessen the love I feel for that family. I have always held the belief that there is no limitation to the amount of people you can love. I have more than enough love still within myself to go around. I don ‘t feel as though I have to shut them out to make room for new people, I only have to keep myself open to new people.
But… the reality is that as much as I love that family, the marriage is over. Maybe not legally over, but emotionally, physically and spiritually it is done. It has been for a long time. I just never had the strength or courage to follow my instincts and leave. I kept fighting to hold onto something that had died years ago. That was my error. The disillusions of sanctity of that particular marriage (not all marriages) has cost me and my ex not only turmoil, contention and sorrow, but valuable time, as well. While we are for the most part civil towards one another, and I hope to stay that way, the truth is that there will always be that twinge of resentment between us. Hopefully that will fade and heal over the years. I now understand the significance of marriage and while I will not say that I will never marry again, I definitely am more cautious of whom I share that type of commitment with. I suppose I truly comprehend the idea of dedication, faithfulness and dependability not to mention, love, that two people in a marriage is suppose to, but unfortunately, doesn’t always have for one another. I will not make the mistake of taking it so lightly again.
Alright I suppose that's it for now. Sorry for rambling so much, and if I sound a bit wonky it’s only because I am extremely tired. I promise that I will update tomorrow with something wittier, like I normally do.
-Beckie
MOOD: Thoughtful
Quote:
“Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.” Alice Ayers/Jane Jones (Closer 2004)
Song:
”What Your Soul Sings” by: Massive Attack
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
And so make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you
And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you
Love you
Gif:
Made by: supersonicchica
I'm considering on starting an original short story, although, the premise is not exactly mine, it belongs to a close friend of mine. He is into photography and filming and he has this wonderful idea that would translate well onto film. Once, he explained it to me though, I really got the urge to write it down as an actual story. I'll probably start it soon, and try to switch between my WIP (Aniron) and this story as my musings come and go.
Speaking of my friend, boyfriend, buddy that's a guy; whatever...I really do enjoy spending time with him, because of how intelligent and engaging he can be. I can actually have an intellectual conversation with him and not have to worry that I will either get bored or that whatever we talk about will go over my head. We have so many interests in common that it is extremely easy for us to find something to talk about. It's also nice that I have known him as long as I have. There really isn't much awkwardness when we're together. It's definitely a relief for me knowing that we don't have to go through that uncomfortable stage when people start seeing each other. I have always dreaded that feeling. Just a few days ago though you could say that it was at a bit of a standstill between us, but recently everything has changed. Can I actually go as far as to say that I'm hopeful? I haven't felt like this in a very long time.
He is incredibly kind and thoughtful and now that we've, as many would call it, progressed, he's extremely affectionate and I am timid about it at times, because the idea of being remotely affectionate with another person is slightly foreign to me. It used to not be, but I've shut myself off for so many years that I really couldn't tell until he came along. When he's that way though, it really makes me feel happy, calm and secure. I never knew that I craved that type of attention. I always used to push it aside. It was never important to me, or at least I believed that it wasn't. I am intelligent enough to know that all people (women and men) need intimacy in their daily lives. I always just figured that I either didn’t deserve it for whatever cosmic disillusions I might have had about myself or that I could push the longing for it to the background because I wasn’t worth the effort anyways. I can see just how much of a fallacy that was.
I think the idea of finding someone to share your life with is sometimes more complicated than it needs to be. I look back at the past fifteen years and can only think that, ‘Wow, this person has been there the entire time', and while I wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he was there, unlike many people, I certainly didn’t go out of my way to make it a secure possibility. I have absolutely no misgivings about the past though, because I have two beautiful children who are amazing and they’re my top priority. If I hadn’t of made the decisions I have made in the past then they wouldn’t be here with me now, and I cannot imagine a world without them in it. I just think the purpose of sharing your time with another person (in an amorous way) is not only to experience happiness and a sense of contentment, but to help you grow and develop as an individual. If you are with the ‘right person’ for you, then it makes you want to become a better person not only for the other person involved, but for yourself, as well. While I have had bouts of wanting to better myself, it has never meant as much as it does now. My children, of course, are the main inspiration for this, but it’s also nice to feel like you have someone who cares enough to want to see you progress in whatever endeavors you may have. I only hope that I can support, encourage and care for him as he has done for me.
Since this whole thing with him has started I have repeatedly asked myself if I was worth it. If there are any reservations I have about our relationship it is because of me and the current situation that I am in. It truly isn’t fair to him that I am technically tied to someone else, not emotionally or out of loyalty, but out of legality. I will always be tied in some way to my soon to be ex-husband and his family. We share two beautiful children together and I truly have come to love his family as my own. This divorce will not lessen the love I feel for that family. I have always held the belief that there is no limitation to the amount of people you can love. I have more than enough love still within myself to go around. I don ‘t feel as though I have to shut them out to make room for new people, I only have to keep myself open to new people.
But… the reality is that as much as I love that family, the marriage is over. Maybe not legally over, but emotionally, physically and spiritually it is done. It has been for a long time. I just never had the strength or courage to follow my instincts and leave. I kept fighting to hold onto something that had died years ago. That was my error. The disillusions of sanctity of that particular marriage (not all marriages) has cost me and my ex not only turmoil, contention and sorrow, but valuable time, as well. While we are for the most part civil towards one another, and I hope to stay that way, the truth is that there will always be that twinge of resentment between us. Hopefully that will fade and heal over the years. I now understand the significance of marriage and while I will not say that I will never marry again, I definitely am more cautious of whom I share that type of commitment with. I suppose I truly comprehend the idea of dedication, faithfulness and dependability not to mention, love, that two people in a marriage is suppose to, but unfortunately, doesn’t always have for one another. I will not make the mistake of taking it so lightly again.
Alright I suppose that's it for now. Sorry for rambling so much, and if I sound a bit wonky it’s only because I am extremely tired. I promise that I will update tomorrow with something wittier, like I normally do.
-Beckie
MOOD: Thoughtful
Quote:
“Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words.” Alice Ayers/Jane Jones (Closer 2004)
Song:
”What Your Soul Sings” by: Massive Attack
Your mind can never change
Unless you ask it to
Lovingly re-arrange
The thoughts that make you blue
The things that bring you down
Only do harm to you
And so make your choice joy
The joy belongs to you
And when you do
You'll find the one you love is you
You'll find you
Love you
Gif:
Made by: supersonicchica