I am so lost today
Yesterday I had a heart to heart with Coffee Girl. I think I ended up pushing her away by being too honest with her. I let her know that I really do love her. I always say that too soon, and it always causes problems. I wish I knew what to do. I do not want to lose her, but I do not know what else to do to solve this, or if it is even a problem. I just hate how I am always crazy about how I feel when I actually end up feeling love for a girl. Even as I type this, since I did not get to talk to her tonight, I feel lonely and out of place. I wish she was online to talk to, and I miss her terribly. She makes me feel complete, and I have not truly felt that way for a long time. I hate to admit that I am the jealous type, but I am. The only real difference with me though is that I do not feel the need to yell or do anything about it. The one time I was able to hang out with her made me feel magical. The night itself was electric. I even gave her one of my swords as a token of my affection. She kissed me too. Coffee Girl (or maybe I should say Akineko as I call her now) is such a great lady. I just hope I did not push her away by being too heartfelt with her last night. I worry way too much about this stuff, and she probably knows this too. I just want to feel less obsessed about my relationships. They make me feel crazy about the girl I love, and it always leads to my downfall in them. This time though, I am trying to take it slow for the most part. Akineko and I have only had one "date", and it ended nicely. I liked it, and I know that she did too. It just seems like I need to relax, but I am focused on her. I really do not want to scre3w this up. I really want this to go well. I hope that she wants the same thing as well, because I am not sure I could take the rejection again. It would not kill me, but rather it would just make me unsure of my future relationships. If Akineko "dumps" me, I am just going to go ahead and go straight for marriage with NC Girl. She is already there with me for the most part, but I would just rather have a relationship with Akineko. She makes me feel a way that I have not felt in such a long time, and I like it. I just wish I did not feel that I "needed" it. This makes me crazy, but it makes me also feel great. I just wish I knew what was going on and what to do about it.