Give me a new change
I've not written in quite some time. I find myself saying that in most of my entries. I don't even really know why I have this journal anymore. Its somewhat pointless. My life is always changing, yet regardless I can't rid myself of the feeling that it's going nowhere. For a few days I felt like a transfer in schools was going to help me accomplish my goals much sooner, and more efficiently, but I'm not sure what my hurry is. This is going to sound terribly pesimistic and trite, but everything I do now just falls into the series of events I make for myself to occupy the time before I die. I ask myself why I'm thinking this now, at this point. It's rather ridiculous when I'm finally getting my life together. I've found a relatively effective balance between school, work, and play, but I guess it's just not enough. I have no idea what I want. I met a wonderful fellow who was everything I wanted, or could ask for, and he made me perfectly MISERABLE. It makes no sense to me. He was quite literally "the quintessential boyfriend". He wanted everything I wanted, including a relationship, which in itself, is a feat to find such a trait in a male. I don't have the slightest inkling of what I want. My life is out of my hands at this point. I suppose I will just sit back as the feathers fly, but until then, I will just be in this place, knowing less than when I started. I don't mind terribly, it's interesting and a bit comfortable to let go of everything. It's a nice new change I guess, as opposed to my old over-bearing ways. Although I am sick of feeling the need to control every aspect of my life, I don't really know how to let go.