it's like jumping off a cliff.
I am suppose grateful that I managed to make it this far without offing myself. Relationship is so far so good. He makes me happy and yet, I am unable to trust him completely. Some things about him don't make sense, they don't add up and have me on alarm. I want to keep my inner voice down. I don't wish to sabotage what has been the thus far, the most surprising, exciting, wonderful experience I ever thought I could have with another human being. I actually think he likes me, you know, my personality, awkwardness goofiness sexiness? But maybe it's not real!!!! This is where that inner voice becomes a shout! You are a fetish to him! Don't fall for it! He has secrets he's not telling you! You can't feel safe with him. He will cheat on you. He is too big for you. Too loyal.Too rich. tooo trusting. too caring. Too perfect. What is this? I hope I don't feel this way for much longer. I feel crazy. I feel so crazy. I keep oscillating between being a peace, and a nightmare of rage and uncertainty, and suspicions. And I have no evidence. All i have is what is before me. Every action is deconstructed inside my head to the bare bones. I try to find the evil in things, in the most benign of places. Why should I blame myself? From my experience, the greatest evils I ever learnt, am learning, have blossommed from softer, gentler things that I too often have reached out to touch.