(no subject)
This weekend I'm moving back to Brooklyn. I feel so scared. It amazes me how traumatising these experiences can be. I feel so pessimistic about life right now mostly because it seems to me that the world is filled with much more dread than hope. A friend of mine yesterday asked me if I was hopeless romantic and the answer is still yes and still even with that acknowledgement, I can see clear as ever, flood waters growing closer my bed, that my security is dying, the romance that I have had with humanity and being human is disappearing rapidly. Soon the icy,dirty water will rush in and consume all of me.The pathway to cynicism will be open once and for all. My boyfriend is incredibly practical and adds much needed weight to this dreamy part of myself that used to bring me much joy. He is a mystery but such patience he has with me! I keep expecting him to become frustrated and leave me alone. Maybe he should. I do not deserve his unyielding care -he seems to even embrace that tender part of me that is wide-eyed and hopeful. My romantic self however is childish and without application in this life- not when you're 26 and poor. One must grow up. I must learn to embrace the frigidity and bitterness of the world and use it to my advantage. I must be hard and selfish and manipulate others to get what I need. This is the operation of our inferior species. Gandhi said Be the change you want to see. At some point one has to find results! Its not enough to be or to believe. We have to change ourselves, harden ourselves against the opposition we face. Just being solves nothing. No one is interested in changing. Theyre too dumb worshipping god in pathetic stances instead of challenging the realities of their own actions. Give me a fucking break already you fucked up destructive monkeys. Oh to be alone!