so Lame.
I dont think I want to drink anymore. On friday night, a friend of mine had his birthday at a bar and the rounds of drinks kept pouring in. I had so much. Conversations became much easier and I really felt like I was having fun. At least more fun than knowing that I couldnt relate to anyone there besides him. I even drank from unattended glasses sitting on tables. When I finally left, all alone and waiting for the evil 6 train, I almost collapsed. My head pounded and the most excruiating feeling of disorientation settled on me. I stumbled out of the station, and found my way to an ATM to withdraw money from my malnourished savings account to take a taxi home. In the car, I almost asked the driver if I could jerk off, because at the time I felt like it would make me feel better-that it would wake me up. I felt like it was a perfectly reasonable idea, just needed to get permission first. I was literally mouthing the words when I realized we had made it uptown. I sucessfully made up those crooked East Harlem stairs. I knocked my knee into the doggie fence. I let the dog out, and fell unto the bed. I awoke at 11:30 Sat morning determined to greet the day. I wanted to take the dog to the park. He deserved it. More than that, I wanted to eat. Disorientation. I kept drinking fluids but nothing seemed to aggree. I wanted to hurl but nothing would come out. So I ate and ate and ate desperately trying to drown this stinking feeling of despair. Saturday night demanded that I go out again. I work so hard all week long. On the weekends I just want to let go. I just want release. Two precious days for me to complete my school obligations and find time for myself. I decided to visit Nancy. I figured it would be a safe bet. We did our usual overeating and movie watching which worked out nicely. We watched Annie Hall which I had never seen. It was cool and yet I still feel a little bit wary about viewing other Woody Allen films. My disorientation has not completely subsided. Now my birthday is coming up on Thursday and I turn 25. I might as well already be 25. I dont want to drink myself into this feeling of discord again. I want to be open minded about life and everything but maybe I just was not built for this particular indulgence.