life is crazy
So...hi. It's been a little while since I've written and a lot has been going on. I just got back from Kansas because if you didn't know...my grandma passed away last Thursday. It was completely sudden, no one expected it, it was definitely too soon for her to go. Fortunately she had just seen my dad and assorted cousins and had recieved a homemade Mother's Day card from me. I think she was happy, I hope she was. So, we went out there on Friday morning, had lunch with a cousin and my uncle and then went with my uncle to my grandma's appartment. It was weird, kind of empty, but we kept really busy cleaning and going through papers so none of us really had a chance to think about the reality of the situation. On Saturday Adam and my aunt came and we continued to clean and shred papers and stuff. Everything seemed so surreal because my grandma was planning to move this summer so it felt like we were just helping her move and that she would walk in the door any second. Much of the same for Saturday and through Sunday and then we went to my cousin's for dinner on Sunday with a bunch of other cousins (I have an endless amount of cousins btw). It was nice, a lot of them I haven't seen for a while because we live far away. Monday was one of the longest days I have had in a very long time. We woke up, ate, got dressed in our black and drove to my cousins where the limo picked us up. It was pouring, seriously like it had never rained before. We went to the temple and talked to my grandma's friends and waited for everyone to come. I saw the gift shop where my grandma spent most of her time. It was hard for my dad because he'd never seen it without her in it. Then we had the service. Adam and I did a reading and Dad and Uncle Larry gave beautiful eulogys. It made me think of all of the good times w/Nana, which was good. I was a palbearer and that was the part that got me. We carried the casket out in the rain to the hearse and as I helped slide it in I started crying uncontrollably. My tears combined with the rain and I was a mess. I don't know what it was about that moment but it got to me. Next was the cemetery and for that I just had to zone out, to tell myself that it wasn't her in there. It was hard anyway, but it had stopped raining by that point, as if my grandma was there. That night and the following night we had minyans. There were a lot of people there and they all had nice things to say about Nana. We continued to finish stuff up in the apartment until yesterday. I picked some pictures of my grandma when she was young that I wanted and one of my grandpa in his army uniform. She is so beautiful and he is very handsome. Also yesterday we went through the jewelery. The box smelled like her. I picked a few nice things that remind me of her. I will definitely treasure them for the rest of my life.
Now we're home, earlier then we planned because after a while it becomes too hard to be there. Although we didn't do anything physically strenuous, we're exhausted, my dad said that's what mourning does to you. Personally, I'm still in shock. Deep in my heart I know that she's gone but I won't believe it until the next time I go there and she's not there or on Sunday when my dad can't call her like he always does or on my next birthday when I don't get a card in the mail. Despite this, I feel very lucky that I got to spend 18 wonderful years with my Nana. I know that she died knowing how much I loved her even though it wasn't something we said to each other too often. I am also very grateful for my family. We all get along well and are there for each other when times get tough. I don't know what I'd do without Adam-I don't have a brother, but I don't need one because I have him. I really hope that we stay close. Finally, I know this is a very long entry, but I wanted to thank everyone that has expressed their condolences, left me a message or a voicemail, and those who have yet to do so-I really appreciate it, more than you know. Thank you for being there for me.
Now we're home, earlier then we planned because after a while it becomes too hard to be there. Although we didn't do anything physically strenuous, we're exhausted, my dad said that's what mourning does to you. Personally, I'm still in shock. Deep in my heart I know that she's gone but I won't believe it until the next time I go there and she's not there or on Sunday when my dad can't call her like he always does or on my next birthday when I don't get a card in the mail. Despite this, I feel very lucky that I got to spend 18 wonderful years with my Nana. I know that she died knowing how much I loved her even though it wasn't something we said to each other too often. I am also very grateful for my family. We all get along well and are there for each other when times get tough. I don't know what I'd do without Adam-I don't have a brother, but I don't need one because I have him. I really hope that we stay close. Finally, I know this is a very long entry, but I wanted to thank everyone that has expressed their condolences, left me a message or a voicemail, and those who have yet to do so-I really appreciate it, more than you know. Thank you for being there for me.