the virgin raped shall seek to whore
as i'm typing this, i am struck with a hideous dose of dejavu, too much so to possibly explain. a similar locale, the same exact song, a similar set of problems and feelings, althought a completely different life and almost five years ago, the similarities are sickening and disheartening.
i've been neglecting to update because i've been upset and frustrated. i caught her in the act the other day, and through a lengthy conversation, made things 'ok' as usual, however, as to be expected, she has not contacted me in any possible way since, which she promised she would. she spent the night with me at e-trailer with aaron and kelsey, it was fantastic of course, very alleviating of burdening sentiments. and as usual, she made it seem like everything would be ok and turn out good, only to smash those hopes the moment we parted. i'm no longer concerned with explaining my weakness regarding her to any of you anymore. yes i love her, yes i'm in love with her, yes i understand she cheats on me, leads me on, and does not reciprocate my feelings in the least. yes i know she's still sketchy, yes i know she still hangs out with him, yes i know she made out with ________ last night. i don't care anymore, i can't seem to shake my loyalty, i almost wish she'd just find some other hobby than leeching off my emotions and leave me hanging for long enough to attempt to move on in some way, because those hopes of us being happy together like we used to still rob me from sleep every single night. she'll do as she pleases, always.
i've been stressing over saving up for a car still, all of my money every check gets raped by bullshit, but hopefully with the combined power of taxes and responsibility, my mobile situation should improve substancially around the time of my birthday, the end of march. it is at this point that aaron and i have discussed at length wanting to get a place, we're leaning more towards renting a house, a cheap shithole one with three bedrooms hopefully. that sort of security might help my frequent panic attacks in the face my constantly unstable living situation.
tomorrow ron is getting all the equipment set up at his moms, and much practicing is going to be happening, i want it so badly, to have something to look forward to and take my mind off of shit.
i've been hoping for something different, but i can't expect anything, situations change, the burdens never seem to leave. maybe once i get a car i can find something worthwhile, or have easier access to something that i didn't realize was worthwhile.
my medusa is almost completely healed, it's blown out on the bottom, the options of cutting it off or burning it off with crushed aspirin do not appeal to me, so i'm going to stick with ignoring it unless it gets much worse as i start stretching it. i'd like to get some sort of extra money on the side to finish my neck but i can't figure anything out. all i do is work and sit around playing 2d mmo's to distract me from living.
saturday has plans, hopefully what was discussed is still happening, if not i won't be surprised. and for those of you who aren't square, i guess i'll see you in niles.