jesus loves me, he doesn't love me, he loves me, he...
i’m sorry, but christians are just crazy folk. i grew up around them, and i’ve been asked countless times where i am in my walk of faith. well, if you wanna know, i stopped at one of those refreshment tables partway through, took a sip of water, and then got the heck out of dodge. ‘why did you get off the path?’ i am asked. well, for starters, how many people do you know where you can have a personal relationship with that you CAN’T ACTUALLY TALK TO?! and if you do claim to talk to jesus, you get hit over the head with a giant butterfly net and get locked up. unless you're on a tv show. or, unless you’re in mexico, where his or mary’s face manifest themselves in a tortilla every other weekend. i think they just take turns. jesus takes the odd weeks and mary goes even.
and another thing, christians are a conflicted bunch. there’s nothing worse than going through life all conflicted and fighting your urges and struggling with faith all the time. especially with the girls, cuz they get into these long-term relationships but have had all this emphasis placed on purity and chastity so they try not to have sex til they’re married, but what ends up happening is that while they get all close and intimate with their boyfriends, they try EVERYTHING BUT conventional sex and really, they’re all like more sexually experienced than I am even though they haven’t even had sex yet, supposedly. like, you talk to girls like that and they say, ‘yeah, I’m still a virgin,’ but when you probe a little deeper and read the fine print, they’ve done all this freaky stuff that wouldn’t even cross your tripped out mind just so they can hold onto that title. they’re like, ‘yeah we did blah blah blah and ductape with blah blah blah in the butt blah blah pulled out when blah blah to do a little decorating blah blah tomato sauce blah blah blah blah with the beads blah blah blah cartwheel to blah blah and finished with a 10 point landing.’ and i’m just like, ‘you did all that?? and you’re still a virgin?!’ i mean, i think some of these girls could conceive just through osmosis. and you think, they go through all that trouble but they won’t take a birth control pill and have him slip on a condom? that’s like getting a masters degree to build a robot to clean your room instead of just taking 5 minutes to pick up your clothes. wow, i could go on all day, maybe more in the future…
and another thing, christians are a conflicted bunch. there’s nothing worse than going through life all conflicted and fighting your urges and struggling with faith all the time. especially with the girls, cuz they get into these long-term relationships but have had all this emphasis placed on purity and chastity so they try not to have sex til they’re married, but what ends up happening is that while they get all close and intimate with their boyfriends, they try EVERYTHING BUT conventional sex and really, they’re all like more sexually experienced than I am even though they haven’t even had sex yet, supposedly. like, you talk to girls like that and they say, ‘yeah, I’m still a virgin,’ but when you probe a little deeper and read the fine print, they’ve done all this freaky stuff that wouldn’t even cross your tripped out mind just so they can hold onto that title. they’re like, ‘yeah we did blah blah blah and ductape with blah blah blah in the butt blah blah pulled out when blah blah to do a little decorating blah blah tomato sauce blah blah blah blah with the beads blah blah blah cartwheel to blah blah and finished with a 10 point landing.’ and i’m just like, ‘you did all that?? and you’re still a virgin?!’ i mean, i think some of these girls could conceive just through osmosis. and you think, they go through all that trouble but they won’t take a birth control pill and have him slip on a condom? that’s like getting a masters degree to build a robot to clean your room instead of just taking 5 minutes to pick up your clothes. wow, i could go on all day, maybe more in the future…