(no subject)
Stupid men. He makes me hate myself but why does he get the blame. This is all me afterall. It doesn't help that i'm drunk right now. (btw, fuck capitals from now on) had the fireman's banquet tonight, which went well i suppose. i got firefighter of the year again, which i don't think should have happened but i don't wear the white helmet/shirts. its so hard to move on from him when i see him all the time, i just wish i could go on with life without him but he's always there damnit. who knew getting over someone was so hard. wait, i've done this before, and i left for japan and it was all cured. so maybe i should go to japan.
i've also been learning tarot, which is interesting thus far. i got a deck and i'm learning the card meanings. 74 cards is a lot of stuff to learn but the pictures tell a lot about what the card can mean. i guess i got them because they give a different form of insite and inward looking at conflicts and life's questions. they're kind of like dreams where things fall into place and make sense, and other parts don't until you think deeply about them, and then they make sense. kind of like this post, it'll probably make more sense if you're drunk like me.
i'll eventually be seeing a psychologist (damn, i spelled that right i think) in january but this has been some rough months. i guess i want to move on but most of me is not letting the rest of me go on, wants to hang onto the past. so it is my fault. i know this. bah. i feel like the void inside is growing larger, and i just feel so lonely. isn't that ironic? i want to move on because i'm lonely but i won't let myself move on so i end up wallowing in loneliness and self pity. what a sad, sad state. *crowd boos* boooooooo.
where the hell do optimists get their... well, optimism? I just can't find any right now.
going to bed.
i've also been learning tarot, which is interesting thus far. i got a deck and i'm learning the card meanings. 74 cards is a lot of stuff to learn but the pictures tell a lot about what the card can mean. i guess i got them because they give a different form of insite and inward looking at conflicts and life's questions. they're kind of like dreams where things fall into place and make sense, and other parts don't until you think deeply about them, and then they make sense. kind of like this post, it'll probably make more sense if you're drunk like me.
i'll eventually be seeing a psychologist (damn, i spelled that right i think) in january but this has been some rough months. i guess i want to move on but most of me is not letting the rest of me go on, wants to hang onto the past. so it is my fault. i know this. bah. i feel like the void inside is growing larger, and i just feel so lonely. isn't that ironic? i want to move on because i'm lonely but i won't let myself move on so i end up wallowing in loneliness and self pity. what a sad, sad state. *crowd boos* boooooooo.
where the hell do optimists get their... well, optimism? I just can't find any right now.
going to bed.