Broken Heart [no. 3]
Here's my belief: She just needs time. She has a lot going on. She just needs to figure it all out, and then we'll be together. She'll realize she misses me and that it was pointless to end it.
And I also know in my head that my heart needs to stop believing that. I know if I had to leave a relationship because I needed to grow or just figure things out, it would be very difficult for me. It would break my heart just as much as the person I had been with, but her heart isn't broken. She wasn't worried about never moving on, she was just worried about not moving on right away. There are things everywhere to remind her, and that's what she worried about. Not about how she would pick up her life and move on, just how she would take the first step. That's not a person who is working things out, that is a person who is done.
So now I look for people to blame. I can pinpoint a person who filled her head with how marvelous it is to be young and free (permiscuous?). I won't lie, during the relationship, I always thought of how great it might be to be "free" to do what I wanted, but I never acted upon it. I know if I had, the next day I would be feeling remorse, but she's only feeling bad because I'm hurt. I call it pity, but she says she just cares about me. I need to accept that she is well on her way to being all right and no amount of hope is going to bring her back to me.
I have this pathetic scheme. I could have prevented myself from ever seeing her again, but I choose to see her in a week. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to. Ideally, I'd open the doors and she would throw her arms around me and our happy life would begin again, but I don't live in a television show or a movie.
It sucks feeling hopeless.
And I also know in my head that my heart needs to stop believing that. I know if I had to leave a relationship because I needed to grow or just figure things out, it would be very difficult for me. It would break my heart just as much as the person I had been with, but her heart isn't broken. She wasn't worried about never moving on, she was just worried about not moving on right away. There are things everywhere to remind her, and that's what she worried about. Not about how she would pick up her life and move on, just how she would take the first step. That's not a person who is working things out, that is a person who is done.
So now I look for people to blame. I can pinpoint a person who filled her head with how marvelous it is to be young and free (permiscuous?). I won't lie, during the relationship, I always thought of how great it might be to be "free" to do what I wanted, but I never acted upon it. I know if I had, the next day I would be feeling remorse, but she's only feeling bad because I'm hurt. I call it pity, but she says she just cares about me. I need to accept that she is well on her way to being all right and no amount of hope is going to bring her back to me.
I have this pathetic scheme. I could have prevented myself from ever seeing her again, but I choose to see her in a week. I know it's going to be hard, but I need to. Ideally, I'd open the doors and she would throw her arms around me and our happy life would begin again, but I don't live in a television show or a movie.
It sucks feeling hopeless.