More about my wonderful life now we are caught up
I went to the “heart clinic” today. To my appointment. My morning was fraught with a swollen mind* and the urge to cancel - which I had had all week - was incredibly strong. Why am I doing this. Why now? And I would answer myself, because my kids need a brave mom. I'm doing it for Julian and Audrey. But, also for myself. Because I feel especially vulnerable now. Life is tough. It's the season for students quitting, when I start questioning everything. I am terribly anxious. I need it for that, if not for the ASD diagnosis. And if I don't do it, I will always regret it. So I left home. I stepped out of the door.
Audrey woke up before I left. Maybe just to send me off. She doesn't remember I had an appointment. Just that I was leaving home early when she had a day off because of her HS entrance exams. She felt lonely. She hugged me tight and for a long time. We do that a lot. I need her hugs. She needs mine and she feels that more than I do, I think. But when we do, I FEEL the serotonin, and I think she does too.
Hubby told me to put the textbooks I wanted him to take in the car. I had to borrow his keys. He told me, Don't forget to give the keys back before you go. Put them on the sideboard. Don't forget.
I forget a lot. The other day I forgot to put the teachers' pay in the safe. I had taken it after Shin asked if he should take it himself, so when I forgot, he was super angry. He shouted at me in the car and threatened that he would not take it after, which was way over-reacting imo, even though I understood his frustration.
Anyway, so I understood his worry about me forgetting to give the keys back. I put the books in the car, got back to the front door and got distracted by something. Oh, yes, it was a package (for a book) that I had written my reflections on. They were personal and I didn't want him to read them so I took it out of the bag and stuck it into a pile of cardboard by the door. Then I turned to go… and realized I had forgotten about the keys. Yup. It was a good thing my memory snapped back. Phew.
Anyway, I left home. I hadn't really even checked where the clinic was except that vague notion it was near the station on the other side. Good thing it was in the building right next to it, which I found out half way. Thank God for smartphones.
It was across the hall from an eye clinic I had been to, and when I got off the elevator, three people got off with me. I got super shy and waited for everyone to go first. I went into the clinic and was able to tell them of my appointment and sit down. But as I sat down I started getting super emotional. And when the receptionist came up and told me my appointment was for next week, tears welled up. I got out of there but there was a guy at the elevator so I waited till they left and then took the stairs so I could calm down. The stairs looked inviting with the outer wall being glass paned and the sunlight shining through.
I took deep breaths to calm myself and then decided to go to work early and relax there. I wrote my feelings here as I waited for the train, rode the train and walked to work. When I got to work, I remembered I'd forgotten my keys.
SO I'm going home. I got a nice walk out of it anyway (and I taught my daughter the meaning of glass half-full too! Wohoo LOL)
*Swollen mind is a physical feeling that your head s swollen up like a balloon; your temples throbbing and face tingling but also when you have so many conversations running through your head that you feel like you will explode mentally.
PS I am definitely checking with the doctor because the forgetfulness … that IS a disability which I have had all my life. A bit about that later.