it has been a privilege to have had my heart broken by you.
upon finishing a sad book - The Fault in our Stars by the fantastic Mr. John Green if you will,
i got up from my chair and walked to my bed,
and subsequently lay on top of the sheets in a semi-foetal position,
feeling my heart beat, loudly, and my fingers jerk, involuntarily,
as something akin to clarity and awareness started to fill the air around my body,
and it's not mortality, that is not something i was made aware of,
rather it's the fact that i am well.
healthy, and probably perfect, to people who are dying i am perfect,
even though i am in a disastrous state brought about by sleepless nights
i am made
so acutely aware
of how perfect, how fortunate i am.
to live each day wondering if it might be your Last Good Day,
and here we are, we throw
i think we pretty much throw
our days away.
and maybe it is apt,
but i am 22 in 2 days.
and i have not yet pushed myself out of my morbid sobreity
what i am saying is that i am still in this stage of wonder at my own state of glorious health.
... hey i am cancer-free.
ideally i would be grabbing at my days with a renewed energy,
but i cannot. not right now.
and what does it mean to live each day to the fullest.
i don't think i know what that means.
maybe i am afraid to know what it means.
maybe i am too tired right now to want to know.
but i am floating;
i could float on for a very long time.
and i just wanted to tell myself
to awaken. not to wake up, but to awaken.
there is a beauty we have forgotten to see.