I am back... sorta

[supernovame]

I think I will come out of my cave for a bit. Obviously I have been a bit despondent and depressed. I am happy my wife is out of pain, and it was truly how she really wanted it to be, including her memorial, in every detail. I don't think it could have been more how she wanted, it was like if God took everything she had always said she wanted to happen, and it to be like, and then perfectly choreographed it down to the most minute detail. It really was incredible. I hope mine is that good when it happens. When we got married, people said it was the most incredible event they had ever been to, and we even got thank you cards from people thanking us for inviting them. Usually we are supposed to send them cards thanking them for coming! With Lisa's memorial, people said, after our wedding it was now the second most memorable event they had ever been too. Of course the cards are memorial cards, but lots of people are thanking me for inviting them, and a few who couldn't make it really regret it. Everyone says they were really inspired and uplifted, which was exactly what she wanted. If anyone is interested I can describe more details of her passing or the memorial, I don't mind, because it truly was beautiful and amazing. Still sad of course, and taking me a while to be sort of okay, and honestly, if it wasn't for all she did for me, I don't know if I could have made it through all this. She got me on anti-depressants, built up my confidence, restored my faith, gave me hope, just to start off with. I still cry at least once a day, usually because of a song I heard, sometimes because of an object or place or something with memories tied to it, sometimes because it will hit me that there is yet another thing I will never do with her again. Heck, I am having troubles maintaining it while I simply type this in, just thinking about being sad makes me sad too I guess. I am making sure I don't have very much time alone. My weekends are extremely full with going to dinners and visiting friends. I also have a few people I can call any time night or day if I need. Lisa's mom calls once a week or more, one of her brothers called every day for the first three weeks and is now down to once a week, sometimes twice. Her other two brothers call once a week at least. One of my family will check on me about once a week, and friends about the same. The pastor of my church calls once a week still. November 8th will be two months. Haven't been able to go through her things much more than cursory glances.

I also have not read any journals lately, so if somethng big has happened, I am sorry, haven't been here, will try now, no huge promises, but will be here more than I have.

I hope everyone is doing ok!
Thanks for your support thru this.