i shall spend my life waiting for the thunder so i can hear him drum the sky
Today a very good friend of mine told me to write down how i was feeling, so here it is... this is what has been going on in my head the second i heard the news that Cory Monteith had died.
i know most of you wont understand how i and a million or so people are feeling right now, because 'how could we grieve for someone we didn't know, he wasn't personally attached to our lives like our friends and family are.' well you couldn't be more wrong...
When you invest your time, energy, life and money into a TV show you sort of inherit everything that comes with it and that includes the people that works on and behind the camera. When it came to Glee everyone from the choreographers, song editors, directors, producers and most importantly the cast and fans become like this tight knit community.
Glee was a fairly huge part of mine, I watched the show, downloaded the songs, went to the concert and followed the career of most of the stars outside the walls of McKinley High. Cory was my favorite, not only for his good looks and charming personality but because i felt like i could connect with him more that anyone else on the show. We were the same age, Both Taurus' and we liked the same things like Hockey and Poutine :) I also admired Cory for his honesty regarding the struggles that he was never afraid to shy away from. He was always 100% honest in interviews, always professional but kept that boyish goofball and loveable sense of humor. And then there was his talent, not only did he shine infront of the camera, but he shone just as brightly off it. His music and drumming with the band Bonnie Dune was one of my favorite things about him as a performer.
For the past 3 days now i feel like my world has been collapsing in on itself in slow motion and im standing on the outside with no control. I've wished so many times over those agonizing 72 hours that i would wake up and someone would tell me that everything I've been feeling and thinking has been the product of some sick sick joke. That Cory would tweet a joke and smile his goofy lobe sided grin and tell the world that he was ok. But instead I've been walking around like the spark that was me was taken away the second i found out.
On Sunday as i was driving home from the cinema, i caught myself looking at a petrol station and thinking to myself that Cory will never fill up his car with gas. And everything since then in my head pops the phrases 'Cory will never get to experience that, Cory will never get to see that movie' Its slowly starting to drive me insane.
Knowing the fact i will never get to meet my idol and tell him that 'THE CANUCKS RULE!' or that I'm never going to get the opportunity to see him grow as an actor and as a person is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. Ive started to not only grieve the loss of such an amazing kind hearted man, but the things that will never be. Cory had so much talent and so much i am certain he wanted to achieve in both his personal and professional life, like more challenging roles on screen. and becoming a husband and eventual father off screen. he even said himself that "I want to get married and have children and live happily ever after. That's important to me" So knowing he will never get that is immensly heartbreaking.
I used to tweet Cory (not that he would have seen it amongst the thousands of tweets and replies he used to get) but when he used to tweet about his struggles and the work he was doing regarding his charities on homelessness and drug addiction etc. I remember telling him how my cousin had lost his battle with drugs (he died in 94 at age 26 from a mixture of heroin, alcohol and prescription drugs) and how the support he was giving to those who needed was an amazing thing and how proud of him i was because he was never shy or reluctant to cover up his past. Knowing he went he same way breaks my heart. I feel like if someone had said something or tried to intervene he would still be with us. This truly is the most unbearable accident that should NEVER of happened.
I've kept myself together infront of people for the most part. finding any excuse to be alone so i can cry all the pain and energy out of my system has become something of a habit. I stopped going online to search out the photos and kept away from anything that would remind me. But that proved fruitless because in all honesty everything was a reminder, words like Canada, Pinkberry and Shark all setting me off to tears. The quiz show i watched today even had a glee related question which caused my heart to launch into my throat and my mother to look at me like i was going to go into a tearful fit. I cant even bring myself to watch videos or listen to music because it feels too raw. I thought that what i was doing was helping and that somehow through the pain i was finally coming to terms with the news until they released the autopsy reports today. It was like someone had ripped off the scab of a wound that was in its first stages of healing. i ended up turning my phone to silent and just sobbed for at least 2 hours straight. I don't think i can fully start to come to terms with this nightmare until the funeral, because every time its bought up its going to be like pulling stitches. so until then this wound wont have the chance to heal (if ever)
And If i feel like this i don't even want to comprehend how the people that knew him feel....
I pray that wherever he is he is finally at peace and that hes smiling down on everyone that loved him for the amazing man he was. I pray that his Parents, Brother, Lea and family/friends all find the comfort they seek and that in time we can all heal a little from the huge hole that's been left in his place.
Cory I LOVE YOU! And i will FOREVER MISS YOU!!!
