RP Log with itwontstopme | Helpless
It was the morning after Matt had left for Dillon, and Sam realised how much she really didn't like waking up without him next to her. She also knew there was a saying about not knowing what you have until it's gone - but she did know! And she hadn't let it go. She was in love with Matt, she'd even told him, but he still left. He still looked like he'd just been told she was going to leave him for Tim, and that wasn't what had happened at all.
Sam had struggled when the confession had tumbled from Tim's lips, but in the end she knew where her heart was and it wasn't with the number thirty-three any more. So why did she feel like she'd done wrong? It was a few hours before she even dragged herself out of bed, and even longer before she made it out of the room to go into the kitchen in search of coffee. She wasn't even hungry. She was just glad she had the time off work so that she didn't need to worry about smiling at all the stupid customers when all she really wanted to do was tell them to go fuck themselves.
She needed out of retail.
As soon as her beverage was made she had every intention of crawling back into her bed and hiding, but as she shuffled past the main room she realised Jason was sitting there alone. She had no idea where Mac was, and for a moment she hesitated. Jason knew about Tim wanting to talk to her, and about Matt wanting to talk to her. She just hadn't told him what had happened. In her defence though she hadn't seen him since. She let out a sigh and came in to flop on the sofa as she looked at him. "Tim still loves me, and Matt left for Dillon."
Jasn had a small bundle of clothing in his lap and had been trying to find something amongst the magazines on the coffee table. He had been more than lost in his own world, just thinking about stuff in general. It was like he couldn't switch his mind off lately. Even asleep, he kept waking up with his mind racing. The evening before with Taylor had done him a world of good. They had crashed out in bed together and it was the first night he had slept through the whole night in a really long time. He paused in his sorting of the coffee table items and looked at Sam, dumbfounded. "You- he what?" He blinked, going over what she had just said again. "Are you friggin kidding me?"
Sam held her hand up. "I wouldn't lie about that kinda shit, J. Ya know me. T told me he loved me still, and that he needed me. Only he then followed it up by sayin' he didn't have anythin' else to add to that, and knew that I was with Matt. Matt didn't take too kindly to me tellin' him what Tim said and decided he had to go back to Dillon to see his gran, and mom. Only I don't love T! Not like that. And I even told Tim that. I said I was always gonna love him, I just wasn't in love with him, and I'd be there as a friend. He sent me home to Matt. Matt didn't want me. He wasn't even listenin'. He just got all mad when I told him about Tim which I know I can't blame him for, and he said I'd been waitin' for this, and three months ago if he'd said it we wouldn't be together." Sam frowned as she took a sip of coffee. "I hate boys."
Jason's mouth was hanging open slightly as he listened, trying to wrap his head around it all and drag his brain from the train of thought it had previously been on. He swore at some point through all the dramas he'd had a small stroke or something. Everything seemed harder to understand these days. "Well... he's maybe right on that last point," he had to point out and then sat back in his chair, folding his arm over the bundle in his lap. "And did you consider that it's Tim he's pissed at, not you?"
"It's me he couldn't talk to!" Sam protested in a loud whisper just in case Mac was somewhere and she needed to be quiet. "Three months ago was three months ago. Things change! C'mon, J. Cut me a break here. T didn't say it three months ago, I moved on. I moved on with a guy I'm actually fallin' in love with and ain't scared to. I miss him. I miss wakin' up next to him already and it's only been one stupid night."
Jason shook his head and held his hand up. "Hey, I ain't your current or ex boyfriend. Don't go yelling at me, it ain't gonna do no good. I'm just stating some facts. Three months ago, you probably would've died to hear that, but three months ago, Timmy ain't having his life flash before his eyes, he ain't facing living staring down the barrell of a lifelong illness. I don't think he did this to hurt you or Saracen, but it was going to inevitably do both. So, it was probably a huge thing for him to decide to say. In saying that, are you completely 100% sure where your feelings lie? You can't have an ex tell you they still love you and it not stir something. That's a fact right there Saracen will be well aware of."
Sam took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, J. It did stir somethin', but the somethin' wasn't there anymore, ya know? I don't want T like that. I'm over him. Him sayin' that just kinda freaked me out. It didn't give me a happy, it actually made me scared 'cause I knew once Matt knew that somethin' like this was probably gonna happen. It ain't three months ago anymore. Everythin' has changed. Tim's in a bad place right now and I will be there for him as much as a friend can be, but I ain't gonna get back with him. I'm not that Sam. I'm Matt's Sam now. I'm my Sam. I ain't waitin' around for Tim t'decide I'm what he wants."
Jason wheeled himself over so he was beside where she was sitting. "Tim just wants to live, S," he told her quietly, watching her face. He sighed softly and cleared his throat as his shoulders slumped a little. "Sometimes you just do stupid things when you're... forced to stop and realise your life has been pretty fucked to date, that all you've got to show for it is mistakes. He's scared. He told me was scared, and I ain't ever heard him say nothing like that before. Ever. As for Saracen, better he ran back to Dillon than somewhere you don't know, right? Maybe he just needs some time to digest it. It's not gonna be easy for anyone to hear that someone else loves their girlfriend, especially not when that someone else is an ex. I don't even think there are any right or wrong answers here, just a whole lotta fear and confusion on everyone's behalf."
She licked her lips and looked at Jason as she held the mug with one hand and reached out to cover his hand with the other. "He said he wasn't gonna try anymore. That he was done with relationships, or somethin'. It ain't right. I know he's been fucked over, I know better than anyone... but that don't mean he can't have a happy endin' with someone. It really doesn't. I think right now he's just tryin' to stick to the familiar things 'cause thinkin' about anythin' else probably is scary. He ain't wantin' to think about the future when he probably has no idea what's in it." She looked down and sighed. "I don't want him hurt, but I ain't gonna be what pulls Tim through this. Not this time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about Matt. Do I just sit around and wait? Hope he comes back?"
"More like he can't see a future at all," Jason guessed and put his free hand up to rub the edge of his thumb against his forehead. "He's depressed. Came to that conclusion when I spoke to him. Only thing is, I ain't sure how bad it is. Or, I wasn't. This just kinda empasises everything, and to be honest, I'm glad he's in a closely watched ICU bed right now and not at home with access to pills or sharp implements. Or booze cruises, maybe," he had to add wryly. "It's gonna take a lot more than one person to pull Tim through this. Matt is more of an unknown quantity to me. Could be that he just needs some space, some time with his family."
Sam's eyes went wide. "Ya really think he'd kill himself?"
Jason nodded a little. "I think it's a possibility. I think he feels like his luck has run out. Even if he gets better, what's he facing? Going to prison for a real long time, and not a lot else."
Sam slumped back against the sofa at hearing that, clutching her mug tightly so she didn't tip the coffee out by accident. "This is his shark surgery moment, ain't it? This is the part where he hits rock bottom, but we ain't gonna know if he sinks or swims 'til he makes the decision. He's still got us, he's still an uncle... still a brother. I know he doesn't think he's got much, but he has family."
Jason scrunched his face up wryly, it never easy to think back on his own mistakes and poor judgment in the wake of losing the use of his legs. He got a wake up call, but that didn't mean he didn't remember the darkness he waded through before he got there. "A brother who has no room in his life for him anymore, a nephew he hardly ever sees because his sister-in-law can't stand him. Even I had more than Tim has right now, and I still tried to end it all. He doesn't have any money, he doesn't have a girlfriend, he doesn't have his truck, he gave up the land he wanted, the dog he had. He has to live under a roof with two exes who are both dating other people now because he literally has nowhere else to go. It's all but inevitable he's gonna do time. Ain't much of a silver lining here, S."
She started to chew on her lip as she just sat there quietly. Jason was right, there really wasn't much of a silver lining for Tim at all. She still wanted to kick Billy's ass for being such a jerk, not to mention bitch slap his wife for being such a selfish cow, but then she figured Tyra would maybe be better off doing that. Tyra was Tim's family now too, not just his ex. That had to mean something, surely. "Then what do we do? Ya ain't just gonna let him dig himself deeper in the hole, are ya?"
Jason shook his head. "Nope." He finally held up a couple of the items that had been in the bundle in his lap. A little pink newborn baby dress and a pair of blue overalls. "Gonna make him try and guess what Mac is having before we have the scan. Then I'm going to get him to go through the whole 1001 Baby Names book and mark the ones he likes. I dunno what good it will do, but I figure it's going to at least put prominent in his mind that life goes on, there are things to wait for."
Sam looked at Jason for a moment, not sure if he was serious or not. "Oh, well... sure. That could work. It's definitely somethin' for him to put his mind on, and he's gotta realise that you and Mac are makin' a little QB. He can't miss that."
Jason just raised his eyebrows at her. "Got any other suggestions, Sherlock?" he asked and tossed the baby clothes onto the sofa with a frown.
Sam picked up the clothes and gave them back to Jason. "No, no... please, J. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it wasn't a good idea. And it's somethin' for ya to get excited about too. Have ya even been thinkin' about names yet?"
"I'm not excited. I'm indifferent," Jason admitted with a slight shrug. "I'm not getting excited about things like this anymore. I'm just focusing on making sure Mac's okay, and doing what I can to help her. I dunno what else I can offer Tim, but just like last time, I'd still like him to be the baby's godfather if... if it happens this time. It might not be enough to make him feel wanted, but it's all I've got."
Sam looked at him. "I think it might actually be enough. He's probably wondering if he's gone one step too far this time and lost ya for good. Hearing that ya still want him to be the godfather is a huge deal. Or it should be to him."
"Dunno..." Jason mumbled. "Just know I don't wanna lose my best mate again."
She gave his hand a squeeze. "We ain't gonna let it happen. Somehow we'll figure it out. All of us."
"All of us? When there's a big gaping hole between us all again all of a sudden? Not that I'm blaming you, I'm not. I'm not blaming Matt, either. It was completely outta your hands, but Tim nearly died, and right now, there just seems to be more to it that him just telling you he loves you. I wish Matt could see that, that's all," Jason murmured and shook his head tiredly.
Sam set her mug down on the table and tucked her legs under her. Her hand was still covering Jason's though and she just looked at him helplessly. "I don't know what happened. I don't even know if it happened before Tim wound up in hospital, or what. I know there was a gap between him and me, but I didn't think it was between all of us." She tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "I hope Matt can realise it while he's in Dillon."
"I know, I know. Okay? I do. I'm not pointing fingers... besides the fact I can't actually point," Jason joked with a hint of a smirk. "I'm just saying things are screwed up and confused. But what else is new for all us? I think it just feels out of my grasp of control because it's Tim and no one can ever really be sure what he's thinking. I never expected him to tell me he was scared, but he did, and he frankly looks terrible. I've never seen him look this bad, and I've known him since we were in diapers. I don't know what to do to help him. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel."
Sam managed a short laugh at his joke before she frowned again, her thinking cap back in place as she tried to work out what the hell they were going to do with Tim. "You and Mac still ready to get married?"
Jason cleared his throat and gave his head a slight shake. "I don't think now is the right time for that. I want my wedding day to be happy, not a knee-jerk reaction to shit going wrong all the time."
Sam nodded. "Fair enough." She rest her head in her hand and sighed. "I got nothin'. This is so sad."
Jason shrugged and sat back in his chair. "You should at least text message Saracen," he finally said, figuring there was nowhere else their conversation could go. They seemed to have lost their knack to talk much to each other. "Let him know you're thinking about him."
She reached out to take Jason's hand again as she looked at the baby outfits in his lap. "I hope ya get a girl. I think ya would really look out for her. She'd be the apple of ya eye, I know she would be. Thanks, J. For just bein' here. I know I ain't worth much lately."
Jason looked down at the clothing and swallowed back a wave of emotion that really wasn't isolated to anything in particular. He was scared for Tim, he was drained in the wake of the whole past year of his life, he didn't want to see more of the people he loved hurting. "I just hope it's born," he murmured and shook his head. "Baby clothes ain't gonna make him feel better. I ain't sure anything is. I dunno what to do to help him, and that... is the scariest thing of all. And you know what? That right there could be what has Saracen running. He thinks you're gonna do whatever it takes to help Tim. Whatever it takes."
Sam got up off the sofa to wrap her arms around Jason in a hug as she stood behind his chair, her cheek resting against his. A lump caught in her throat as she listened to him and she gave him a tight squeeze. "We just gotta put our heads together. It ain't gonna be baby clothes, and it ain't gonna me. I can't fix him this time. If I'm gonna fix anyone, it's Matt."
"Then maybe you should do more than just text message him? He ain't a coward, he doesn't run away. Look at all the crap he's stuck through in his life. This isn't running away, this is just going somewhere he needs to feel he belongs." Jason let out a slow sigh and then wet his lips. "You should probably know, too, that I'm gonna do everything it takes to stop Billy trying to take Tim back to his place at Dillon. Tim doesn't want it, even if he's just going along with it for peace. I personally think if he does, he's going to feel screwed over by us, and feel trapped with family he knows don't really want him there. I think when he gets outta hospital he should come back here while he recuperates. I'll personally take care of him if I need to. Hell, I'll hire a nurse if that's what it takes."
"Matt's gonna be a nurse," Sam blurted out as her mind connected the dots. "I guess he wouldn't really be jumpin' at the chance to look after T though. Maybe we should hire a nurse. All of us. Ya shouldn't have to carry the financial burden alone. Billy can kiss all our asses. He ain't gonna take T away just to ignore him in Dillon again. I'll work on more than text messagin' Matt. I really wanna make sure he knows I ain't goin' anywhere."
It was on the tip of Jason's tongue reveal to Sam that Billy was the reason Tim, who was completely innocent, was facing jail time. It was why Jason was so infuriated and pissed off at the oldest Riggins brother. He wanted to belt Billy in the face, to bitch him out for the whole thing. Tim needed to be away from Billy and his fucks ups for once in his life so he hopefully had a chance. Now he had been seriously ill, it was more than a good excuse to try and turn things around. The jail thing... well, it could rest on how ill Tim actually was, or what it would take for him to get back on his feet. All Jason knew was witnessing those seizures was scary, and he swallowed back a sense of helpless nausea that kept trying to pool in his gut. "Matt'll make an awesome nurse, without a doubt. It just wouldn't be fair to expect him to help out with a guy who is apparently in love with his girlfriend. Unless, it's not even that. Unless Tim is just trying to hang onto some times in the past when he was actually happy."
Sam shrugged as she released Jason to take her seat again. "I don't know. That's the whole thing. I don't know why he said it. Our happy times didn't even really last that long before I fucked it all up. It's why I don't get how I could still love him. I really did fuck him over. He's got every right t'never wanna see my face again. Matt really will do well. I'm so proud of him."
"How can you not get it? Seriously?" Jason asked her with a slight laugh of disbelief. "The same reason I went back to Lyla. And before you jump down my throat, I ain't comparing you to her. I'm just saying that when shit like this happens, it makes you stop and take stock of your life. You're whole life. You don't know whether you're coming or going, you don't know what's coming next. Sometimes you just need to try and make some sense outta it all, whatever way it takes. If he was trying to steal you off Saracen, then it would be fucked up. But this is deeper than."
Sam leaned forward with her elbows braced against her knees, and her head in her hands. "So... I'm something familiar for him to cling to. He's not trying to steal me, he really does just need me?"
Jason shook his head. "No. He needs to know he's still alive."
Sam had struggled when the confession had tumbled from Tim's lips, but in the end she knew where her heart was and it wasn't with the number thirty-three any more. So why did she feel like she'd done wrong? It was a few hours before she even dragged herself out of bed, and even longer before she made it out of the room to go into the kitchen in search of coffee. She wasn't even hungry. She was just glad she had the time off work so that she didn't need to worry about smiling at all the stupid customers when all she really wanted to do was tell them to go fuck themselves.
She needed out of retail.
As soon as her beverage was made she had every intention of crawling back into her bed and hiding, but as she shuffled past the main room she realised Jason was sitting there alone. She had no idea where Mac was, and for a moment she hesitated. Jason knew about Tim wanting to talk to her, and about Matt wanting to talk to her. She just hadn't told him what had happened. In her defence though she hadn't seen him since. She let out a sigh and came in to flop on the sofa as she looked at him. "Tim still loves me, and Matt left for Dillon."
Jasn had a small bundle of clothing in his lap and had been trying to find something amongst the magazines on the coffee table. He had been more than lost in his own world, just thinking about stuff in general. It was like he couldn't switch his mind off lately. Even asleep, he kept waking up with his mind racing. The evening before with Taylor had done him a world of good. They had crashed out in bed together and it was the first night he had slept through the whole night in a really long time. He paused in his sorting of the coffee table items and looked at Sam, dumbfounded. "You- he what?" He blinked, going over what she had just said again. "Are you friggin kidding me?"
Sam held her hand up. "I wouldn't lie about that kinda shit, J. Ya know me. T told me he loved me still, and that he needed me. Only he then followed it up by sayin' he didn't have anythin' else to add to that, and knew that I was with Matt. Matt didn't take too kindly to me tellin' him what Tim said and decided he had to go back to Dillon to see his gran, and mom. Only I don't love T! Not like that. And I even told Tim that. I said I was always gonna love him, I just wasn't in love with him, and I'd be there as a friend. He sent me home to Matt. Matt didn't want me. He wasn't even listenin'. He just got all mad when I told him about Tim which I know I can't blame him for, and he said I'd been waitin' for this, and three months ago if he'd said it we wouldn't be together." Sam frowned as she took a sip of coffee. "I hate boys."
Jason's mouth was hanging open slightly as he listened, trying to wrap his head around it all and drag his brain from the train of thought it had previously been on. He swore at some point through all the dramas he'd had a small stroke or something. Everything seemed harder to understand these days. "Well... he's maybe right on that last point," he had to point out and then sat back in his chair, folding his arm over the bundle in his lap. "And did you consider that it's Tim he's pissed at, not you?"
"It's me he couldn't talk to!" Sam protested in a loud whisper just in case Mac was somewhere and she needed to be quiet. "Three months ago was three months ago. Things change! C'mon, J. Cut me a break here. T didn't say it three months ago, I moved on. I moved on with a guy I'm actually fallin' in love with and ain't scared to. I miss him. I miss wakin' up next to him already and it's only been one stupid night."
Jason shook his head and held his hand up. "Hey, I ain't your current or ex boyfriend. Don't go yelling at me, it ain't gonna do no good. I'm just stating some facts. Three months ago, you probably would've died to hear that, but three months ago, Timmy ain't having his life flash before his eyes, he ain't facing living staring down the barrell of a lifelong illness. I don't think he did this to hurt you or Saracen, but it was going to inevitably do both. So, it was probably a huge thing for him to decide to say. In saying that, are you completely 100% sure where your feelings lie? You can't have an ex tell you they still love you and it not stir something. That's a fact right there Saracen will be well aware of."
Sam took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, J. It did stir somethin', but the somethin' wasn't there anymore, ya know? I don't want T like that. I'm over him. Him sayin' that just kinda freaked me out. It didn't give me a happy, it actually made me scared 'cause I knew once Matt knew that somethin' like this was probably gonna happen. It ain't three months ago anymore. Everythin' has changed. Tim's in a bad place right now and I will be there for him as much as a friend can be, but I ain't gonna get back with him. I'm not that Sam. I'm Matt's Sam now. I'm my Sam. I ain't waitin' around for Tim t'decide I'm what he wants."
Jason wheeled himself over so he was beside where she was sitting. "Tim just wants to live, S," he told her quietly, watching her face. He sighed softly and cleared his throat as his shoulders slumped a little. "Sometimes you just do stupid things when you're... forced to stop and realise your life has been pretty fucked to date, that all you've got to show for it is mistakes. He's scared. He told me was scared, and I ain't ever heard him say nothing like that before. Ever. As for Saracen, better he ran back to Dillon than somewhere you don't know, right? Maybe he just needs some time to digest it. It's not gonna be easy for anyone to hear that someone else loves their girlfriend, especially not when that someone else is an ex. I don't even think there are any right or wrong answers here, just a whole lotta fear and confusion on everyone's behalf."
She licked her lips and looked at Jason as she held the mug with one hand and reached out to cover his hand with the other. "He said he wasn't gonna try anymore. That he was done with relationships, or somethin'. It ain't right. I know he's been fucked over, I know better than anyone... but that don't mean he can't have a happy endin' with someone. It really doesn't. I think right now he's just tryin' to stick to the familiar things 'cause thinkin' about anythin' else probably is scary. He ain't wantin' to think about the future when he probably has no idea what's in it." She looked down and sighed. "I don't want him hurt, but I ain't gonna be what pulls Tim through this. Not this time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about Matt. Do I just sit around and wait? Hope he comes back?"
"More like he can't see a future at all," Jason guessed and put his free hand up to rub the edge of his thumb against his forehead. "He's depressed. Came to that conclusion when I spoke to him. Only thing is, I ain't sure how bad it is. Or, I wasn't. This just kinda empasises everything, and to be honest, I'm glad he's in a closely watched ICU bed right now and not at home with access to pills or sharp implements. Or booze cruises, maybe," he had to add wryly. "It's gonna take a lot more than one person to pull Tim through this. Matt is more of an unknown quantity to me. Could be that he just needs some space, some time with his family."
Sam's eyes went wide. "Ya really think he'd kill himself?"
Jason nodded a little. "I think it's a possibility. I think he feels like his luck has run out. Even if he gets better, what's he facing? Going to prison for a real long time, and not a lot else."
Sam slumped back against the sofa at hearing that, clutching her mug tightly so she didn't tip the coffee out by accident. "This is his shark surgery moment, ain't it? This is the part where he hits rock bottom, but we ain't gonna know if he sinks or swims 'til he makes the decision. He's still got us, he's still an uncle... still a brother. I know he doesn't think he's got much, but he has family."
Jason scrunched his face up wryly, it never easy to think back on his own mistakes and poor judgment in the wake of losing the use of his legs. He got a wake up call, but that didn't mean he didn't remember the darkness he waded through before he got there. "A brother who has no room in his life for him anymore, a nephew he hardly ever sees because his sister-in-law can't stand him. Even I had more than Tim has right now, and I still tried to end it all. He doesn't have any money, he doesn't have a girlfriend, he doesn't have his truck, he gave up the land he wanted, the dog he had. He has to live under a roof with two exes who are both dating other people now because he literally has nowhere else to go. It's all but inevitable he's gonna do time. Ain't much of a silver lining here, S."
She started to chew on her lip as she just sat there quietly. Jason was right, there really wasn't much of a silver lining for Tim at all. She still wanted to kick Billy's ass for being such a jerk, not to mention bitch slap his wife for being such a selfish cow, but then she figured Tyra would maybe be better off doing that. Tyra was Tim's family now too, not just his ex. That had to mean something, surely. "Then what do we do? Ya ain't just gonna let him dig himself deeper in the hole, are ya?"
Jason shook his head. "Nope." He finally held up a couple of the items that had been in the bundle in his lap. A little pink newborn baby dress and a pair of blue overalls. "Gonna make him try and guess what Mac is having before we have the scan. Then I'm going to get him to go through the whole 1001 Baby Names book and mark the ones he likes. I dunno what good it will do, but I figure it's going to at least put prominent in his mind that life goes on, there are things to wait for."
Sam looked at Jason for a moment, not sure if he was serious or not. "Oh, well... sure. That could work. It's definitely somethin' for him to put his mind on, and he's gotta realise that you and Mac are makin' a little QB. He can't miss that."
Jason just raised his eyebrows at her. "Got any other suggestions, Sherlock?" he asked and tossed the baby clothes onto the sofa with a frown.
Sam picked up the clothes and gave them back to Jason. "No, no... please, J. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it wasn't a good idea. And it's somethin' for ya to get excited about too. Have ya even been thinkin' about names yet?"
"I'm not excited. I'm indifferent," Jason admitted with a slight shrug. "I'm not getting excited about things like this anymore. I'm just focusing on making sure Mac's okay, and doing what I can to help her. I dunno what else I can offer Tim, but just like last time, I'd still like him to be the baby's godfather if... if it happens this time. It might not be enough to make him feel wanted, but it's all I've got."
Sam looked at him. "I think it might actually be enough. He's probably wondering if he's gone one step too far this time and lost ya for good. Hearing that ya still want him to be the godfather is a huge deal. Or it should be to him."
"Dunno..." Jason mumbled. "Just know I don't wanna lose my best mate again."
She gave his hand a squeeze. "We ain't gonna let it happen. Somehow we'll figure it out. All of us."
"All of us? When there's a big gaping hole between us all again all of a sudden? Not that I'm blaming you, I'm not. I'm not blaming Matt, either. It was completely outta your hands, but Tim nearly died, and right now, there just seems to be more to it that him just telling you he loves you. I wish Matt could see that, that's all," Jason murmured and shook his head tiredly.
Sam set her mug down on the table and tucked her legs under her. Her hand was still covering Jason's though and she just looked at him helplessly. "I don't know what happened. I don't even know if it happened before Tim wound up in hospital, or what. I know there was a gap between him and me, but I didn't think it was between all of us." She tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "I hope Matt can realise it while he's in Dillon."
"I know, I know. Okay? I do. I'm not pointing fingers... besides the fact I can't actually point," Jason joked with a hint of a smirk. "I'm just saying things are screwed up and confused. But what else is new for all us? I think it just feels out of my grasp of control because it's Tim and no one can ever really be sure what he's thinking. I never expected him to tell me he was scared, but he did, and he frankly looks terrible. I've never seen him look this bad, and I've known him since we were in diapers. I don't know what to do to help him. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel."
Sam managed a short laugh at his joke before she frowned again, her thinking cap back in place as she tried to work out what the hell they were going to do with Tim. "You and Mac still ready to get married?"
Jason cleared his throat and gave his head a slight shake. "I don't think now is the right time for that. I want my wedding day to be happy, not a knee-jerk reaction to shit going wrong all the time."
Sam nodded. "Fair enough." She rest her head in her hand and sighed. "I got nothin'. This is so sad."
Jason shrugged and sat back in his chair. "You should at least text message Saracen," he finally said, figuring there was nowhere else their conversation could go. They seemed to have lost their knack to talk much to each other. "Let him know you're thinking about him."
She reached out to take Jason's hand again as she looked at the baby outfits in his lap. "I hope ya get a girl. I think ya would really look out for her. She'd be the apple of ya eye, I know she would be. Thanks, J. For just bein' here. I know I ain't worth much lately."
Jason looked down at the clothing and swallowed back a wave of emotion that really wasn't isolated to anything in particular. He was scared for Tim, he was drained in the wake of the whole past year of his life, he didn't want to see more of the people he loved hurting. "I just hope it's born," he murmured and shook his head. "Baby clothes ain't gonna make him feel better. I ain't sure anything is. I dunno what to do to help him, and that... is the scariest thing of all. And you know what? That right there could be what has Saracen running. He thinks you're gonna do whatever it takes to help Tim. Whatever it takes."
Sam got up off the sofa to wrap her arms around Jason in a hug as she stood behind his chair, her cheek resting against his. A lump caught in her throat as she listened to him and she gave him a tight squeeze. "We just gotta put our heads together. It ain't gonna be baby clothes, and it ain't gonna me. I can't fix him this time. If I'm gonna fix anyone, it's Matt."
"Then maybe you should do more than just text message him? He ain't a coward, he doesn't run away. Look at all the crap he's stuck through in his life. This isn't running away, this is just going somewhere he needs to feel he belongs." Jason let out a slow sigh and then wet his lips. "You should probably know, too, that I'm gonna do everything it takes to stop Billy trying to take Tim back to his place at Dillon. Tim doesn't want it, even if he's just going along with it for peace. I personally think if he does, he's going to feel screwed over by us, and feel trapped with family he knows don't really want him there. I think when he gets outta hospital he should come back here while he recuperates. I'll personally take care of him if I need to. Hell, I'll hire a nurse if that's what it takes."
"Matt's gonna be a nurse," Sam blurted out as her mind connected the dots. "I guess he wouldn't really be jumpin' at the chance to look after T though. Maybe we should hire a nurse. All of us. Ya shouldn't have to carry the financial burden alone. Billy can kiss all our asses. He ain't gonna take T away just to ignore him in Dillon again. I'll work on more than text messagin' Matt. I really wanna make sure he knows I ain't goin' anywhere."
It was on the tip of Jason's tongue reveal to Sam that Billy was the reason Tim, who was completely innocent, was facing jail time. It was why Jason was so infuriated and pissed off at the oldest Riggins brother. He wanted to belt Billy in the face, to bitch him out for the whole thing. Tim needed to be away from Billy and his fucks ups for once in his life so he hopefully had a chance. Now he had been seriously ill, it was more than a good excuse to try and turn things around. The jail thing... well, it could rest on how ill Tim actually was, or what it would take for him to get back on his feet. All Jason knew was witnessing those seizures was scary, and he swallowed back a sense of helpless nausea that kept trying to pool in his gut. "Matt'll make an awesome nurse, without a doubt. It just wouldn't be fair to expect him to help out with a guy who is apparently in love with his girlfriend. Unless, it's not even that. Unless Tim is just trying to hang onto some times in the past when he was actually happy."
Sam shrugged as she released Jason to take her seat again. "I don't know. That's the whole thing. I don't know why he said it. Our happy times didn't even really last that long before I fucked it all up. It's why I don't get how I could still love him. I really did fuck him over. He's got every right t'never wanna see my face again. Matt really will do well. I'm so proud of him."
"How can you not get it? Seriously?" Jason asked her with a slight laugh of disbelief. "The same reason I went back to Lyla. And before you jump down my throat, I ain't comparing you to her. I'm just saying that when shit like this happens, it makes you stop and take stock of your life. You're whole life. You don't know whether you're coming or going, you don't know what's coming next. Sometimes you just need to try and make some sense outta it all, whatever way it takes. If he was trying to steal you off Saracen, then it would be fucked up. But this is deeper than."
Sam leaned forward with her elbows braced against her knees, and her head in her hands. "So... I'm something familiar for him to cling to. He's not trying to steal me, he really does just need me?"
Jason shook his head. "No. He needs to know he's still alive."