RP Log with itwontstopme

[supermarketsam]

It might have been getting closer to Winter, but thankfully people still weren't that intent on closing their windows. Or at least locking them securely. Sam pushed up Jason's window and climbed into his room like she'd done a million times before. It had been a while since she'd done it lately, but the occasion more than called for it. She was still aching for Tim, the hole in her heart growing when she realised he hadn't called her back. He'd probably missed the call completely, shagging whichever town chicks he hadn't already. Or maybe going back to those brunette twins with the double Ds for more.

She'd woken up after the fainting spell to find herself back in her room with no recollection of how she'd got there. She'd also discovered nearly a whole day had passed -- the lack of sleep finally catching up to her, and her parents gratefully letting their daughter rest. They'd even forced her to call in to work and cancel at least two days of shifts and then they'd see how she was feeling before thinking about telling her to go on leave.


And right now Sam was too tired to argue. She was too exhausted to care anymore. She'd finally reached the conclusion that trying to fix things on her own wasn't working. She was so lost she didn't even know what needed fixing. She figured Jason didn't either, and they were best friends. They needed each other, she'd just been too selfish to want to talk about any of it with him.

She found him snoring on his bed, and tilted her head to look at him, eyes on his face. She poked him in chest and murmured his name. When he didn't seem to stir she moved her finger a bit higher and tried again. It was only when she poked his cheek and had her mouth right up against his ear that she got any kind of response in the form of a sole grunt. "Charmin', J. C'mon, just wake up! How's a girl s'posed t'sneak into ya room if ya ain't awake. Good thing this ain't a damn booty call. Paralysed or not, ya ass wouldn't be gettin' any kinda action like this."

It probably didn't help that he was drunk. Or had been earlier that evening. Again. Waking up meant hangover or what he still termed as a hangover. He spent so many mornings feeling like shit with a throbbing headache and churning stomach that it had become his normal now. He just tried to sleep through it. There was no one there to tell him to get out of bed, either, because Tim was usually in the next room just as out cold as Jason was. When they got up closer to lunch time, they usually just grunted at each other in greeting and then Jason would stay home while Tim went to work in Billy's garage. It really was a mess, but one Jason wasn't sure anymore he wanted out of. This way, he had much less hours concious that he had to wrap his head around and consciously think. He liked not consciously thinking. Plus, drinking himself into a stupor before bed stopped the nightmares. That was a plus in itself.

He didn't open his eyes. He wasn't even really sure whether he was dreaming this or not. He hadn't really spoken to Sam in about a week. She was busy at work, he was busy being drunk. She certainly hadn't come see him at night for a long, long time. Months. He shifted just a little, though, pulling his shoulder up underneath him to move away from whatever was tickling his ear. He growled slightly in irritation before only just cracking one eye open. He couldn't see anything, though. It was still dark. "What?" was his croaky grunt. Did she expect him to be in a good mood?

Sam pressed her lips together before she climbed into bed and pulled a package into her lap. She reached into a brown bag and pulled out a cupcake, a birthday candle, and a lighter. She stuck the candle in the cupcake and lit it before she started to sing happy birthday. She hadn't even considered that Tim might be home. There weren't any noises of sex from the next room, so maybe he was passed out cold. She cleared her throat as she came to a shaky end, and just stared candle flame. "I know it's a month late. I'm really sorry, J. Make a wish?"

Jason opened his eyes a little more and looked up at her face beyond the flame. He pulled his lips together, not responding at first. Expectedly, his head was pounding again. He didn't want to move too much in case a hangover kicked in full-force. "To go back to sleep," he finally said. He didn't want to deal with his birthday back then and didn't want to deal with it now. It was gone, done. Twenty first was nothing special, just another year, and one that reminded him he wasn't a child anymore. What did that mean, though? Fuck all when everything you did was like fighting a battle in a war.

Sam smirked a little. "Doesn't come true if ya say it out loud. Ain't I taught ya anythin' over the years. S'posed t'blow out the candle, too." Sam held the cupcake out to him, careful to keep the flame far enough away that he wouldn't be in any danger from burns. "I'll let ya sleep soon as we talk a bit. I'll even stay here. Go out the window in the mornin' before T--anyone else--realises I'm here."

Jason stiffly moved onto his back, slowly reaching under the covers to move his legs into a less awkward position. "You blow it out," he told her with disinterest. "It doesn't count if it's a month late, either. We missed that boat that was never going to sail in the first place. You should be at home, asleep." He put the edge of his wrist to his forehead, pressing down a little in an effort to stave off the headache. Maybe he really should move back to his folks home like they kept hinting at. They might stop him at least sleeping his life away. He had seen Mrs MacKenzie in the pharmacy the other day. When she tried to talk to him, all he did was turn around and leave, ignoring her. He couldn't believe what an ass he had turned in to.

Sam did as he wanted, the candle going out in a single puff of breath. She set it down on the bedside table before she slipped further down in his bed and rest her head on his shoulder. "I know, and I'm sorry. I know I suck. I got lost... and it took me passin' out at work to realise just how ridiculous I was bein'. I didn't mean to have my head up my ass." Sam slipped her arm over his torso in a hug, closing her eyes briefly. She felt like she'd been asleep for ages, but she still needed more rest. She just couldn't take it until she knew things were okay with Jason. "I ain't been able t'sleep for months."

"You alright now?" Jason asked. He didn't have his head up his ass that much. He still cared about his friends. It was just hard to support them when he couldn't even support himself. Some days, he didn't even get out of his pyjamas. The days he kept the place locked up with the blinds closed so no one thought he was home. He did understand her comment, though. When he tried to go a night without booze, he was plagued with nightmares and the sleep couldn't even be called that. They weren't conducive to his condition. He couldn't run to the bathroom if he felt sick or easily take a cold shower without the whole process of getting into his chair in between. He wasn't just a mess, he was a train wreck. But it had become a comfort zone. Now he could understand why Tim retreated into it so much.

Sam gave a small nod. "Been asleep for nearly a whole day. Although ain't so sure it can be called sleep. Maybe just my brain disconnectin' for a while. Feels better than bein' a zombie at least. My parents are makin' me take a couple days off. Hopin' I'll rest up." She squeezed her eyes shut when she felt a wave of tears threaten to spill, and tried to look up at Jason's face in the darkness. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry Mac lost the baby 'cause of me."

The words alone had Jason feeling like he wanted to vomit. He had to swallow heavily to stop it, and kept his mouth pressed together for a long few moments. If he tried to talk, he'd cry or throw up. He didn't want to do either for fear he might not be able to stop once he started. When Erin had told him Noah wasn't his all those months ago, he had been devastated, but that didn't even touch how crushed he had been when Mac lost the baby, or when he lost Mac. It was like the pain would never stop, and that's how he had felt ever since that night. The pain was just there in his chest all the time, no matter what he was doing. Most of the time, he tried to ignore it, but that didn't mean it went away. Even discovering Lyla had been cheating on him didn't come close to matching this ache, and Jason really thought now that when Mac went, it was the first time he had really, truly had his heart broken. A couple of tears escaped and dripped slowly down his temples, but he didn't acknowledge it. "It's not your fault," he told her hoarsely.

Sam sucked in a breath like she wanted to argue but she kept her mouth shut for a long time as she battled the lump in her throat. She hadn't come over here to cry. Jason didn't need her doing that when he was still hurting. He also didn't need her telling him how much she'd wanted for him to be a daddy. "I actually bought ya twenty-first gift ages ago. I had it planned since Mac knew about... I just... I couldn't give it t'ya. I still can't. I'm just so sorry. I don't even know--I miss how it all was."

Jason reached over and turned the light on. It was a struggle, but he managed to pull himself up in bed so he was half lying, half sitting and realised now he was drenched in sweat. Probably more of those nightmares he had, but really couldn't remember because of the alcohol. He wiped his limp fingers over his face and leaned over to have a drink of water from the glass with a straw in it, not even needing to pick it up. He was a little breathless by the time he got back into the half sitting, half lying position again. Shit, he'd let himself get unfit. Very unfit. "Sam," he said to her, looking over her face now he could actually see with the light on. "It's gone. It's over. Is this really gonna do anything but make us both wanna, I dunno, throw up? Get pissed? Hit something?"

"I don't know," Sam admitted quietly as she met his gaze. "I don't know what we're s'posed to do now. What are you gonna do. Ya can't just... Ya can't be T. There's only one T and that's enough. This ain't Jason Street..."

Jason held up his hand. "No, no. Not you too. I got enough of this off Coach today. Are y'all on some campaign? Does it come with lil flags and buttons?" he asked, trying not to get annoyed. "I ain't like Tim. I know what I'm doing, he just doesn't care. I want to be drunk, Sam. I don't want to be sober," he told her, meeting her eyes again.

Sam frowned. "Coach? I ain't on any campaign. Just sayin'... Been thinkin' it for a while, just haven't been able to mention it. How long are ya gonna be drunk for? Ya saw what happened to Tim when he was in the hospital. Ya can't do that to yourself! I'm not watchin' ya die." Her eyes were wide now, the fear evident. Losing Tim or Jason hurt. The idea of losing them both scared the shit out of her. She could hardly talk Tim out of his drinking so she was going to try talking Jason out of his.

"I ain't the one you should be watching anyway," was Jason's answer. He closed his eyes again, that familiar throbbing making itself known across his forehead that crept up over his whole skull like someone had his head in a vice. "None of this would have happened if you just believed him." The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, and there was no taking them back. Deep down, it was a thought that had regularly passed his mind a lot since the doctor told Jason they had to give Mac an operation remove the dead baby before infection set in.

Sam pulled away, sliding off the bed as she stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. She wasn't making a move to leave yet, but she didn't feel comfortable enough to be in his bed anymore. The lump in her throat broke, and she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried futilely to stop them. "Don't ya think I know that? I said I was sorry! I know it ain't gonna be enough, but I'm not sure how I'm s'posed to make it up to you. It shouldn't have been me! She shoulda just let me go through the windshield, and then you'd have ya baby and ya family, and Mac."

"STOP!" Jason finally snapped, shouting the word at her. But it wasn't angry, it was just him almost pleading with her to not drag them down this path. "Stop it! Do you think I would be any fucking happier if you both died?! If she didn't do that, you both would have gone through the windshield! That night, it's fucking irrelevant what happened because there's no changing it! What you can change is learning to give Tim the benefit of the doubt! I told you he wasn't kissing her and you didn't listen to me! You and Mac should never have been in that car to start with! But now she's gone and she ain't coming back, alright? She ain't! But you and Tim are in the same fucking town and you can't even get your shit together when you have a chance! You have a fucking chance, Sam! It ain't the end!"

She pressed her lips together as she shifted her weight on her foot. She glanced at the wall like she would be able to see Tim through it and took in a shaky breath. "But ya said ya didn't see! I was just so... I know I did wrong, but then it was too late. I just needed t'get out. I was gonna make it up t'him when I got back... But it was too late. And all I wanted was him at the hospital and he just wasn't. I don't know what happened! I didn't know what t'do. I still don't. I called him. Just before I fainted, I called him. I didn't get much out before I was kissin' the floor. I'm just tired, and I miss him. I know I got it wrong. But ya don't have t'settle either. She ain't gone. She's in New York. Just call her, or send her an email. Somethin'. Anythin'."

"He ain't home," Jason said flatly, the burst of adrenaline he had a moment before now gone. "I didn't need to see! I saw enough in how he had been trying to clean himself up for you before it all happened! How he stuck up for me when Lyla tried to do me over at the hospital again when he was in there. He was fucking at the hospital! He was there the whole time you were unconcious, for hours. Then he left. He left when the news broke about the baby. It got too much. It got too fucking much for all of us! I don't know why he left, but the fact he was even there at all was huge, trust me. Maybe just gave up trying to get you to believe him? I dunno! I dunno anything anymore! And don't you think I tried? I tried, over and over and over. She never responds! Not one single text message! I can't even look her Mom in the eye anymore, I can't look anyone in the eye!"

"Where is he?" Sam slowly moved back over to his bed and climbed back onto it, reaching out to take Jason's hand in his. "Ya can look me in the eye. He never said... no one ever told me he'd been there. I feel so stupid, but it just... all this time went by. Ain't been able t'look at him in the eye for ages 'cause I know I was stupid, and I don't know if he'd believe me. Maybe... maybe ya should go t'New York. Kinda hard to ignore ya when ya there in person."

Jason let his eyes close again for a few moments as he shrugged and wet his dry lips. "We don't check in with each other. I just know when he ain't here. Never is on a Friday night. I can't tell you what to do, Sam. I can't tell you how to fix it. I don't know how you fix it. I just know nothing is going to be how it was before, so maybe you should wake up to reality and realise that? Realise that you gotta do it differently this time. And I ain't going to New York. I'm sick of chasing people only to get kicked in the teeth over and over again. I'm sick of always being the one to have to pursue. When is someone going to pursue me? When am I gonna be something someone wants for a change, not trying to clutch at straws and be someone everyone just tolerates and looks at with sympathy?"

Sam fell quiet as she considered where Tim would even be on a Friday night. Would he actually go and watch the Panthers, or even East Dillon? Didn't explain why he didn't come back home, though. Sam rest her head back against Jason's pillow, and sighed. She missed living here. She missed everything about it. But he was right. It had to get done differently this time. She couldn't just expect her and Tim to pick up back where they were. If he could even forgive her for being an idiot. "You're enough, J. Ya always have been. They just ain't been enough. And you're right. Ya should get chased."

Jason shook his head. "It ain't gonna happen. No one wants to bother with a cripple. It's too much hassle. It always just ends up me trying to follow them like some desperate asshole, and I look even more desperate and stupid because they really don't want it, but they're too polite to tell me that so they just put up with it until they fuck off and get out when they can," he said bitterly. "I'm over it. I don't want relationships. I don't want anything anymore."

She felt the lump grow in her throat again, but more because she felt sad for Jason. She hated that this is what he thought of himself. "Ya don't get a choice about me anymore. My head ain't up my ass, so ya just gonna have t'deal with me bein' your best friend again whether ya want it, or not." Truth was Sam wanted to talk to Mac, or Tim about Jason. Maybe if T just understood that J needed him for more than beer...

"Thanks, Sam," Jason mumbled, looking down at his stomach where the white t-shirt was damp from sweat and sticking to him. "You know, some days, I just wish I didn't get up when I broke my neck. Just wish it was a complete break and that was it. I know, it's fucked. And you don't need to start thinking I'm going to top myself or anything, because I ain't gonna do that. I just don't wanna try anymore. I'm sick of it. Every time I think I've found what I'm looking for, it's gone. Ruined. I'm too tired."

Sam thumped Jason on his leg where he couldn't feel it, but he could definitely watch her hitting him. "Don't you ever fuckin' say that again. Ever!" Her voice was raised to more than a whisper now she knew Tim wasn't home. "How do ya think ya parents woulda felt? Or me? Or T? You're the world to us, J. You're an important part of it. I'm sorry we ain't the girl ya love, be we do still all love ya. I'm sorry it's come t'this, but I just... ya can't just give up."

Jason didn't actually comment that the fact he couldn't feel the hit to his leg just made him feel even more crap because it emphasised his point. Didn't want to mention that the mess he had gotten himself into meant he had to revert back to using a catheter at night because his body couldn't find the rhythm it needed. Instead he just looked at her blankly for a few moments, remaining silent initially. He didn't think there was much worth trying to talk to her if she was just going to play the Dr Phil card every time. He was sick of people telling him he was wonderful and an inspiration. "Give up on what?" he finally asked with a hint of a shrug. "You've got to have something to give up on it in the first place."

"Havin' a shower?" Sam suggested as she crinkled her nose a little. "I love ya J, but ya do kinda smell like the bottom of a beer glass." She held her hand up, probably sensing that she was trying too hard with the pep talks. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to suddenly be a cheerleader. I'll shut up now, promise. I miss livin' here," she finally admitted out loud. "Maybe I should move back in to give ya hand. In a non-cheerleader way. Just a friend helpin' a friend. I should patch things up with T first."

Jason pulled a face. "Fuck off. I wasn't expecting company," he said and stuck his tongue out at her. "A shower means getting undressed, and redressed, and a whole other bunch of gross stuff in between. It'll have to wait. I sort of got the feeling neither of you wanted to be around each other. Could make things real awkward. What sort of things were you envisaging helping me with, anyway?" he asked her uncertainly, and he was looking at her like he wasn't sure whether he should laugh or anything.

"A shower!" Sam said as she grinned a little before sticking her tongue back out in turn. "If it's hard work then I can help with that. And maybe cleanin' and cookin'. I wanna be around T! I love him! I just... I ain't been able t'see him because of the whole... awkward thing. How am I s'posed to apologise to him so he believes me? Wait, don't answer that. I'll figure it out. Promise. I won't come back if he doesn't want me here. But I'll visit more."

"You want to help me shower?" Jason smirked and shook his head. "Nah, I'm pretty sure you don't wanna do that. Especially at the moment. It's generally not just a shower, it's a whole routine. S, I ain't got any suggestions this time. I think the whole thing was a low blow for Tim. Ain't saying it wasn't for the rest of us, but when you guys started out, it was a big thing that he knew you trusted him because no one else ever did. He might not be receptive anymore. You need to be prepared for that. There was a window, it got slammed shut. Who knows if it can be pried open again."

Sam sunk low in the bed. She already felt like shit, now if the window really was slammed shut she didn't know what she was supposed to do. She just had to think of some way to get him to understand she felt like the biggest, dumbest bitch ever. "Just tryin' to think of ways I'd be useful. Don't worry about it. I'm just talkin' shit. I'll stay at home. I just won't have my head up my ass again."

Jason let out a heavy breath and cleared his throat, looking up at the ceiling. "It ain't that I don't want you to help, S. It's just... my dignity is already shot to pieces. I'm not sure I want anyone knowing all I have to do in the bathroom and adding that to list. Mac was... she..." He closed his eyes and rested his wrist against his forehead. "She used to help when I needed it. And it was okay. I'm being stupid with it, I know. It's an ego thing. The thing with Tim, well, you need to breach the gap. He ain't gonna listen to me on any of it. He hasn't since it happened."

"It's okay, J. I get it." Sam reached out to cover his other hand with hers. She would have never made him feel uncomfortable, but he was right. Dignity was something that would be straight out the window if she did help. They'd go through sex together, but this would have been something else. "It's different with her because ya love her, and she was ya partner. I'd rather ya ego stayed in tact. I'll just find somethin' else. I can cook at home and bring it over. I just gotta find the first step to breachin' that gap..."

Jason felt that pain in his chest start again as Mac was brought up in the conversation. He knew he was the one to mention her, but it was out of his mouth before he could stop it. She really had been amazing with the wheelchair quad stuff. That time Jason was ill, too, and it definitely wasn't for the fainthearted, Mac was right there with him the whole time. He was able to repay the favour when she had been sick with morning sickness. But that was all over now too. "It wasn't easy at first," he admitted in a mumble. "Just push with him, I guess. You know what he's like. He doesn't like being harrassed. But he's gone right back to his old ways."

Sam gave his hand a squeeze, and leaned over to kiss his cheek. Sam stifled a yawn as her eyes fell closed briefly. She was still hoping that somehow Mac and Jason would find their way back together, but if wasn't going to her, she wasn't so sure Mac would come here. Not because Jason wasn't worth chasing, but because Dillon really wasn't her home anymore. Jason was still hurting. They both were, and Sam couldn't do anything but watch. "Nothin' like that ever is. There's always gonna be trips and falls. Sometimes ya fall and get ya head stuck up ya own ass. I'm s'posed to push, but not harrass? How does that work?"

If Jason had to be honest with himself, he knew it would be to admit how much he missed having Mac beside him. Not just for help, but for the simple reason of knowing he wasn't alone. Her soft touches, their conversations in the morning over simple breakfasts of toast or cereal. The way she ate slowly so she kept her pace with him and they would finish at the same time. How, when he would fold the laundry to put it away, both of their clothes were mixed in together and put away in the same drawers. How she liked fresh sheets and used a fabric softener that made them smell like vanilla. How she always helped him put on his socks so he didn't have to struggle with them himself, and started to help him with the physio of his legs to keep the circulation in them. How the little ways she helped make his life easier just slotted into her routine like it was nothing. He missed her so much that he couldn't shake that painful crushing feeling in his chest when he tried not to think about her but couldn't stop it. He started to get teary again, drawing in a quiet shaky breath as some tears dripped down his face. "No, you should harrass. That's when he folds. You harrass him enough, and he'll start to reciprocate because he doesn't know any other way to deal with stuff. He doesn't like waves," he explained, trying to keep his voice even.

Sam had been watching the ceiling, thinking about life before the accident. They were never going to get it back. Jason was right. Sam just missed it. She missed how the four of them had been living together. She missed sleeping next to Tim, and waking up to him. She still had his top. She still wore it even if it just made her chest ache more. She still remembered how he tasted, and how he felt. What it was like when they both decided the day was better spent in bed than moving. Being curled up and watching movies together. Taking drives in his truck around Dillon. It was the simple things. Sam never wanted complicated. She wanted Tim. She didn't need to get impressed by him behaving differently. She'd known Tim forever, and had loved him for almost as long. The simple fact that he breathed was impressive to her. "Seems kinda wrong t'do that to him. I don't want him t'be with me because he feels obligated to after I harrass him."

"Seems kinda wrong you ain't talking to him," Jason returned, and the tears spilled over with full force before he could stop them. He hadn't let anyone see him cry since that day; the day Mac's Mom told him they were taking Mac away. He didn't even know now why he had let the emotions explode before he could stop them. Probably a sheer lack of sleep, the fact he had another crappy hangover setting in, the fact that even though half of him was paralysed, he still had a sensation that his whole body was aching. He wiped the tears away with the edge of his hand, but more just came until he was soon gasping as the crying made him breathless and he struggled to pull himself a little further up against the pillows so he didn't asphyxiate himself. He hated feeling like this. After his accident and all the pain he went through with that, he never wanted to feel like this again, and now it was like it wouldn't stop.

Sam immediately shifted, pulling herself up to wrap her arms around Jason. She made him rest his head against her shoulder as she rubbed his arm, and back. She pressed a kiss against his temple and rest her head against the top of Jason's. "Shh, it's okay, J... It's okay. Ya gotta let it out... It's okay..." She just kept making noises of comfort, not really sure what else she could say. It wasn't alright he'd lost his baby, or his fiancee, but it was alright for him to cry. She knew he probably hated it, but it was a long time coming. He couldn't hold it in forever. At least he was breaking on his own.

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