I NEED a journal
I've been sorely lacking in the update department. Which isn't a huge deal I guess being that there are maybe 3, if that many, people who read my LJ, but I sometimes feel mentally up to speed with myself when I've posted in my LJ.
Lots and lots. Let's see. So I'm in Chicago now, and have been for one full week, staying at Alex's apartment. That part of it has been fine so far. I try to clean the community area's up every time I leave the house during the day when the boys are at work. Since I don't pay rent I figure it's the least I can do to make my presence into something positive, rather than an inconvenience. I think Frank (Alex's roommate) appreciates it since Alex tends to not clean up his crap for long periods of time, till his clutter and discarded dishes build up in the living room and the kitchen. Which is funny because I'm usually the same way about cleaning up, but when you're a guest in someone else's place, it's better to act like one.
The job hunt is discouraging. For ever 5-10 emailed resumes I send out, I get 0 e-mail/phone call responses back. I know it's early, but Friday I started crying because I feel an immense pressure to figure this out while I'm here. Alex tries to reassure me that I don't have anything to worry about, but alex did not pack up and move away from his friends and family to make this work. So it's hard to take any comfort from him, though I accept the cuddling and the back rubbing.
Alex and I are good. I am ok. I feel a little lost. We've spent a lot of time around his improv friends. They're all friendly, but they spend the entirety of their conversation discussing other improvers I don't know, classes I haven't been to, and show's I haven't seen. So most of the evening I end up sitting beside the group listening, but not having anything to add to conversation and only the gestures of affection from Alex to make me feel acknowledged. It gets incredibly lonely to be in social situations with out friends to talk to or engage with, and I end up spending most of the conversation they have just missing my own friends and gradually becoming immensely homesick. I certainly try to avoid texting other people, and try to remain open to the group so I don't close myself off. But after a while I just want to crawl into a corner and call my own friends.
I'm trying not to let it get in the way of me going along to the shows. I know it's only the first week, and over time it might change to a point where I feel more included. But so far I've just felt like an appendage of Alex's with everything I've done in Chicago. I'm struggling to get a sense of my own self, and I know a lot of that has to do with not having my own space, or my own activities. If I get a job I know that will all become easier. It's all added to the fact that I still don't know if I'm going to be able to stay. And the more I'm here the more I get the sense that if I can't stay, it would take a miracle or a tragedy to get Alex to leave to be with me, the way I left to be with him.
That is where it stands for now.
Lots and lots. Let's see. So I'm in Chicago now, and have been for one full week, staying at Alex's apartment. That part of it has been fine so far. I try to clean the community area's up every time I leave the house during the day when the boys are at work. Since I don't pay rent I figure it's the least I can do to make my presence into something positive, rather than an inconvenience. I think Frank (Alex's roommate) appreciates it since Alex tends to not clean up his crap for long periods of time, till his clutter and discarded dishes build up in the living room and the kitchen. Which is funny because I'm usually the same way about cleaning up, but when you're a guest in someone else's place, it's better to act like one.
The job hunt is discouraging. For ever 5-10 emailed resumes I send out, I get 0 e-mail/phone call responses back. I know it's early, but Friday I started crying because I feel an immense pressure to figure this out while I'm here. Alex tries to reassure me that I don't have anything to worry about, but alex did not pack up and move away from his friends and family to make this work. So it's hard to take any comfort from him, though I accept the cuddling and the back rubbing.
Alex and I are good. I am ok. I feel a little lost. We've spent a lot of time around his improv friends. They're all friendly, but they spend the entirety of their conversation discussing other improvers I don't know, classes I haven't been to, and show's I haven't seen. So most of the evening I end up sitting beside the group listening, but not having anything to add to conversation and only the gestures of affection from Alex to make me feel acknowledged. It gets incredibly lonely to be in social situations with out friends to talk to or engage with, and I end up spending most of the conversation they have just missing my own friends and gradually becoming immensely homesick. I certainly try to avoid texting other people, and try to remain open to the group so I don't close myself off. But after a while I just want to crawl into a corner and call my own friends.
I'm trying not to let it get in the way of me going along to the shows. I know it's only the first week, and over time it might change to a point where I feel more included. But so far I've just felt like an appendage of Alex's with everything I've done in Chicago. I'm struggling to get a sense of my own self, and I know a lot of that has to do with not having my own space, or my own activities. If I get a job I know that will all become easier. It's all added to the fact that I still don't know if I'm going to be able to stay. And the more I'm here the more I get the sense that if I can't stay, it would take a miracle or a tragedy to get Alex to leave to be with me, the way I left to be with him.
That is where it stands for now.