dear dad
seeing you awhile ago, frantic over what is happening, unfamiliar with reality, hurts. let me clear things for you, dad. You're are in the hospital, you're very sick with cancer, you haven't been eating for days, you can't speak, you're close to having a coma, and I don't know what to do.
for the past few days, the only clear things i've heard from was "mamamatay na ako," "gusto ko na mamatay," and "patayin niyo na ko." And, it is so funny how you're youngest and only daughter is the only one making sense and is definitely not in denial. And, because of that, i hate being your youngest and only daughter because nobody thinks i'm strong enough, i'm wise enough, i'm old enough.
and it hurts, dad.
there are many things wrong right now. asian hospital has lost its moral code, you're fucking doctor doesn't want you to get a fucking oncologist because of the stupid reason that "baka may ibigay ang doctor na gamot na makakaaffect sa chemoembolization," my family chooses to believe that coco nectar is what helps him survive when it has nothing to do with it, you're treated as an experiment, and, i've voiced everything i can, but yet no one listens.
i get why they are in denial dad. its not easy how a 59 year old husband, brother, boss, and father could have this sickness when just last march, you were playing golf. but, their denial has gone to far. they don't see and believe that their doing the opposite of what they want for you. they want you to get better, but their approach towards you makes your condition worse.
dad, i want to help you so much. i want to find you a good oncologist, i want to get you to a better hospital, i want you to get better.
however, i want you to get what you want. No matter how much right now hurts me, i know that it hurts you a million times more. And if you want to go and get your final rest, i am one person who would easily let you go, not because i don't care, but because you're so unhappy, you're in so much pain. As much as possible, i want you live. Every child would want that for their father, but it is still your life, and i don't want to cause you more torture. This liver cancer has hurt your body, your thinking, and morale.
i must admit dad, this is getting in the way of my studies. I am very sorry, i know that is the last thing you wanted, But, i'm really trying, dad. you can ask anyone and they will tell you that i've been working too hard, but nothing happens.
When the time comes, i won't be crying because you're gone, i would be crying because it was too late. I would be crying because even if everybody says that I am my fathers daughter, i never really knew my father. It sucks that we are both alike because that entails us to keep everything to ourselves. I want to know what hurts, i want to know your plans right now, i want to know what you're thinking. And it sucks so bad that we never really hugged, and never really told each other how much we love each other.
so all of you out there, i hope youre doing better than me. get up from your chairs and give you dad a hug just for no absolute reason. it is not too late for you.
i love you, dad. i hope i still get some time.
for the past few days, the only clear things i've heard from was "mamamatay na ako," "gusto ko na mamatay," and "patayin niyo na ko." And, it is so funny how you're youngest and only daughter is the only one making sense and is definitely not in denial. And, because of that, i hate being your youngest and only daughter because nobody thinks i'm strong enough, i'm wise enough, i'm old enough.
and it hurts, dad.
there are many things wrong right now. asian hospital has lost its moral code, you're fucking doctor doesn't want you to get a fucking oncologist because of the stupid reason that "baka may ibigay ang doctor na gamot na makakaaffect sa chemoembolization," my family chooses to believe that coco nectar is what helps him survive when it has nothing to do with it, you're treated as an experiment, and, i've voiced everything i can, but yet no one listens.
i get why they are in denial dad. its not easy how a 59 year old husband, brother, boss, and father could have this sickness when just last march, you were playing golf. but, their denial has gone to far. they don't see and believe that their doing the opposite of what they want for you. they want you to get better, but their approach towards you makes your condition worse.
dad, i want to help you so much. i want to find you a good oncologist, i want to get you to a better hospital, i want you to get better.
however, i want you to get what you want. No matter how much right now hurts me, i know that it hurts you a million times more. And if you want to go and get your final rest, i am one person who would easily let you go, not because i don't care, but because you're so unhappy, you're in so much pain. As much as possible, i want you live. Every child would want that for their father, but it is still your life, and i don't want to cause you more torture. This liver cancer has hurt your body, your thinking, and morale.
i must admit dad, this is getting in the way of my studies. I am very sorry, i know that is the last thing you wanted, But, i'm really trying, dad. you can ask anyone and they will tell you that i've been working too hard, but nothing happens.
When the time comes, i won't be crying because you're gone, i would be crying because it was too late. I would be crying because even if everybody says that I am my fathers daughter, i never really knew my father. It sucks that we are both alike because that entails us to keep everything to ourselves. I want to know what hurts, i want to know your plans right now, i want to know what you're thinking. And it sucks so bad that we never really hugged, and never really told each other how much we love each other.
so all of you out there, i hope youre doing better than me. get up from your chairs and give you dad a hug just for no absolute reason. it is not too late for you.
i love you, dad. i hope i still get some time.