Life Is No Cabaret, We Don't Care What You Say
Going out tonight, and then on the second, there's ALA, and then on the fourth, I go back to Riverside and school. Scary exciting and a million other things.
I have to say, glad this year is over. It definitely has not been one of my better ones, but at the same time, I think I've learned alot. Yes, I had a really bad period this summer, and I ended up in a hospital, but at the same time, for once I learned to get myself help instead of letting it get worse. It may seems like a small thing, but learning to take care of myself has been a challenge for me, and I think this year it's really driven home to me just how important it is that I do so. While I don't regret my time in the mental hospital, I'd rather not end up there again, not if I can help it. So I have to be more careful, and not be afraid to ask for help like I have been in the past. Is it so scary, letting myself be vulnerable and allow people to help me? Well, it is, but I have to just deal with it. Life is scary, but it sure as hell beats the alternative.
But as much as I failed, I accomplished alot to. Despite how much I fucked up that last semester at PCC, with some letters and interviews, I was still able to move on to UCR, and I lived on my own for the first time. And yes, it was lonely, and hard, but freeing as well. Being home for the Winter Break made me realize just how much I enjoyed living in that apartment. I can't wait to get back. This house isn't my home anymore, and perhaps it's all for the best, in the long run.
I'm slowly making friends over there, and I did when with my grades for the first quarter, so perhaps things are finally looking up. I'm trying to be optimistic about things. It's hard, because I'm generally a pretty pessimistic person, but I'm trying. For once, I want something better for myself, and I'm working hard to achieve it. I know happiness won't be handed to be on a silver platter, but it's definitely something I'm willing to fight for.
I'm trying to find something that makes me smile every day, even if it's something small. It's hard, because depression still looms in my head most of the time, but most days I can at least find one thing, and that's what counts, right? And it's not to say I'm not scared that things won't get bad again, because I'm terrified. I have horrible anxiety and some days I really just want to stay in bed and ignore the world, but the world's not going to go away. So I have to find a way to cope, and slowly, I think I am.
In any case, I hope 2009 is a better year, for me and everyone else. If you're going out tonight, stay safe and I promise to do the same.
I love you all. Really.
Song of the Entry:
Sing by the Dresden Dolls
There is this thing that's like touching except you don't touch
Back in the day it just went without saying at all
All the world's history gradually dying of shock
There is thing that's like talking except you don't talk
You sing
You sing
Sing for the bartender sing for the janitor sing
Sing for the cameras sing for the animals sing
Sing for the children shooting the children sing
Sing for the teachers who told you that you couldn't sing
Just sing
There is thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked
It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance
After the show you can not sing wherever you want
But for now lets all pretend that we're gonna get bombed
So sing
Sing cause its obvious sing for the astronauts sing
Sing for the president sing for the terrorists sing
Sing for the soccer team sing for the janjaweed sing
Sing for the kid with the phone who refuses to sing
Just sing
Life is no cabaret
We don't care what you say
We're inviting you anyway
You motherfuckers you'll sing someday...