Flowers on Valentine's Day
An email I recieved today from my ex, Cannan:
Dear Lan: Where to begin.. It's Valentine's Day.. the day we think about the ones we love and, of course, you came to mind. I just wanted to let you know that I actually came across your profile while grazing comments on a friends page.. anyway, it was one of those take-your-breath-away/small world moments that you cannot describe... you are just happy for. How are you? I miss you. Life is good, but lacking and I am happy to read that you are doing so well. Really I am. I am not going to dwell.. nor apologize for my past comments to you because that is what makes us us and why we get along so well; we are positive and honest, supportive and brash, talented and accomplished--and too good to not be friends. The last thing I will say is that I said what I said out of a deadly combination of spite and concern. And that is legit. Love is a strong word--but I love you and I always want you to be in my life in some capacity--whatever capacity you are comfortable and approving of. I would be most happy to hear from you.. receive updates on your life (love, career and personal).. etc., etc., etc. I miss your recommendations for music, your advice, expert listening ear.. and, last but definitely not least, your ass. Because to be honest, despite all of your wonderful attributes, we both know that gluteus maximus is gorgeous and midas! I miss you.. I miss you.. I miss you.. hope to hear from you.
My response...
Dear Cannan:
If I were to say that I wasn't shocked at your email, I would be a liar. I was at work eating dinner and I dropped my dinner plate when I saw it. I can't imagine what friend(s) we have in common but yes indeed, a small world.
Thanks for the Valentine's Day thoughts--I appreciate them. In general, I'm doing well. There's been challenges and obstacles lately but not ones I feel I'm incapable of overcoming. I have two amazing careers; I have some amazing people in my life. I love my family. And my friends--are just the world to me. I have my health, my freedom and my individuality. I'm thankful for all of that very much so.
LOL, thanks for the comments about me...my ass. You're crazy. =P
On a more serious note, I had to re-read your email a few times. I thought about what I would say. I pondered whether I should sleep on it and then respond; or respond before bed. I chose the latter. I had to balance civility, maturity and heart with me wanting to say everything that I want to say to you. You're probably thinking: The tone of this email is unusual. Indeed, it is. It's from a place of indifference and uncertainty. I'm torn before what I want to feel versus what I actually feel.
Canaan: when Josh and I broke up, I recall telling my best friend Tim that a good number of weeks had gone by before I actually cried about him. And when I did, my nose bled because I cried so hard. I'm so over him, its not even funny. It took a good month or two for me to realized how BETTER off I was in life without him. And I love the fact that I'm not with him because he doesn't deserve me. I loved Josh--more than I loved myself. That's dangerous and unhealthy. I loved him more than any man I've ever loved in my entire life. I stayed in Boston because of him. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much I loved that boy. He broke my heart. And he broken my heart really badly. Then came Jeff. That made for a combination of amazing sex, extreme heartbreak, deep lust, rebound, uncertainty and hardened delusion.
What happened between you and I last June...happened for reasons unbeknownst to me. You call it spite and concern. I don't understand that but I’m not going to try to. Last summer, I was hurting. I lost the man that I loved, Cannan. I was confused. I engaged in actions that weren't emotionally or mentally healthy. After Josh, Jeff came around...and before I knew it, I was hurting from that too. The worst part about you and I is that you left me. You left us. Us was important to me. Us were things I told myself when I felt I didn't have a man that loved me. But you left me. A second time. There was no tough love. There was no you slapping some sense into me. There was no attempt on your part to reach out and help me. It was abandonment. I would have never expected you to accept what I was doing; but I hurt because yet again, a man left me and abandon me. And with you, I was left asking the same question I've asked myself for the past six years: how can a man who says he loves me...leave me? Not once. But twice.
But this isn't just about me. This is about us. This isn’t to make you feel guilty. I'd never do that to you. I'm not dwelling on the past either. It’s me letting you know that I wasn’t at my best at the moment that you and I last spoke. I hate that. I won’t apologize because I don’t have anything to apologize for. And if you stand by your words and you stand by your feelings, you're a man for doing so. I respect that. We are both indeed, great individuals. In being friends, there is also trust. And that has to be built not on my part--but yours. I'm not saying you owe me anything. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from...and know that us still means something to me...otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed up writing this. In this, I ask a favor. I challenge you. I challenge us to be the people we wanna be to each other. I challenge you to follow through on what you say and how you feel. I challenge you to challenge me; I challenge myself to be that guy that you know me to be. And in that, if it makes any sense, hopefully brings us back to when we first met.
I’m sorry that this turned into a novel. It is indeed Valentine's Day. You know that I do indeed, care about you and your success and your happiness. Your email, as crazy as this may sound, was like someone sending me flowers. Love is to give, not to own. I'm really touched that you decide to give me yours...and that secretly deep down inside, know that you have mine also despite my weird ways of showing it. I sincerely hope you are doing well and hope your family, your friends and anyone special in your life is too.
Dear Lan: Where to begin.. It's Valentine's Day.. the day we think about the ones we love and, of course, you came to mind. I just wanted to let you know that I actually came across your profile while grazing comments on a friends page.. anyway, it was one of those take-your-breath-away/small world moments that you cannot describe... you are just happy for. How are you? I miss you. Life is good, but lacking and I am happy to read that you are doing so well. Really I am. I am not going to dwell.. nor apologize for my past comments to you because that is what makes us us and why we get along so well; we are positive and honest, supportive and brash, talented and accomplished--and too good to not be friends. The last thing I will say is that I said what I said out of a deadly combination of spite and concern. And that is legit. Love is a strong word--but I love you and I always want you to be in my life in some capacity--whatever capacity you are comfortable and approving of. I would be most happy to hear from you.. receive updates on your life (love, career and personal).. etc., etc., etc. I miss your recommendations for music, your advice, expert listening ear.. and, last but definitely not least, your ass. Because to be honest, despite all of your wonderful attributes, we both know that gluteus maximus is gorgeous and midas! I miss you.. I miss you.. I miss you.. hope to hear from you.
My response...
Dear Cannan:
If I were to say that I wasn't shocked at your email, I would be a liar. I was at work eating dinner and I dropped my dinner plate when I saw it. I can't imagine what friend(s) we have in common but yes indeed, a small world.
Thanks for the Valentine's Day thoughts--I appreciate them. In general, I'm doing well. There's been challenges and obstacles lately but not ones I feel I'm incapable of overcoming. I have two amazing careers; I have some amazing people in my life. I love my family. And my friends--are just the world to me. I have my health, my freedom and my individuality. I'm thankful for all of that very much so.
LOL, thanks for the comments about me...my ass. You're crazy. =P
On a more serious note, I had to re-read your email a few times. I thought about what I would say. I pondered whether I should sleep on it and then respond; or respond before bed. I chose the latter. I had to balance civility, maturity and heart with me wanting to say everything that I want to say to you. You're probably thinking: The tone of this email is unusual. Indeed, it is. It's from a place of indifference and uncertainty. I'm torn before what I want to feel versus what I actually feel.
Canaan: when Josh and I broke up, I recall telling my best friend Tim that a good number of weeks had gone by before I actually cried about him. And when I did, my nose bled because I cried so hard. I'm so over him, its not even funny. It took a good month or two for me to realized how BETTER off I was in life without him. And I love the fact that I'm not with him because he doesn't deserve me. I loved Josh--more than I loved myself. That's dangerous and unhealthy. I loved him more than any man I've ever loved in my entire life. I stayed in Boston because of him. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how much I loved that boy. He broke my heart. And he broken my heart really badly. Then came Jeff. That made for a combination of amazing sex, extreme heartbreak, deep lust, rebound, uncertainty and hardened delusion.
What happened between you and I last June...happened for reasons unbeknownst to me. You call it spite and concern. I don't understand that but I’m not going to try to. Last summer, I was hurting. I lost the man that I loved, Cannan. I was confused. I engaged in actions that weren't emotionally or mentally healthy. After Josh, Jeff came around...and before I knew it, I was hurting from that too. The worst part about you and I is that you left me. You left us. Us was important to me. Us were things I told myself when I felt I didn't have a man that loved me. But you left me. A second time. There was no tough love. There was no you slapping some sense into me. There was no attempt on your part to reach out and help me. It was abandonment. I would have never expected you to accept what I was doing; but I hurt because yet again, a man left me and abandon me. And with you, I was left asking the same question I've asked myself for the past six years: how can a man who says he loves me...leave me? Not once. But twice.
But this isn't just about me. This is about us. This isn’t to make you feel guilty. I'd never do that to you. I'm not dwelling on the past either. It’s me letting you know that I wasn’t at my best at the moment that you and I last spoke. I hate that. I won’t apologize because I don’t have anything to apologize for. And if you stand by your words and you stand by your feelings, you're a man for doing so. I respect that. We are both indeed, great individuals. In being friends, there is also trust. And that has to be built not on my part--but yours. I'm not saying you owe me anything. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from...and know that us still means something to me...otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed up writing this. In this, I ask a favor. I challenge you. I challenge us to be the people we wanna be to each other. I challenge you to follow through on what you say and how you feel. I challenge you to challenge me; I challenge myself to be that guy that you know me to be. And in that, if it makes any sense, hopefully brings us back to when we first met.
I’m sorry that this turned into a novel. It is indeed Valentine's Day. You know that I do indeed, care about you and your success and your happiness. Your email, as crazy as this may sound, was like someone sending me flowers. Love is to give, not to own. I'm really touched that you decide to give me yours...and that secretly deep down inside, know that you have mine also despite my weird ways of showing it. I sincerely hope you are doing well and hope your family, your friends and anyone special in your life is too.