Random Status Update
I feel lonely lately. As if I'm trapped a little bit too much inside my own head and with my own neuroses. I feel like I misread situations often enough that I believe my worst instincts at all times. But then again, I'm also right about people and situations just enough that when I develop concerns, it's hard not to go overboard.
Maybe it's all astrological--though I don't believe in such things. My horoscope said the last week of February will have me wanting to "strengthen bonds" or commitments or some such.
Springtime in general makes me restless. And though it's only February, it seems like it's been springtime here for damn near a month. Spring makes me randy. It makes me crave passion. Intimacy. Adventure. Fun. I don't know if that's just some sort of learned behavior from books and movies or if there's something more biological to it. After all, most mammals are on the move and breeding in the spring. It's in some ways the opposite of the way I feel in the fall. The fall makes me crave nostalgia. It makes me want to settle down. It's about moments and making memories and long evenings spent sipping wine and making memories and watching movies and avoiding the cold. Spring seems to be about a different kind of romance that is more based in passion and making things happen and making new memories and exploring things. I'd rather be traveling in the spring. To new places. Doing something exotic and fun. Whereas I also like to travel in the fall, but it's often more about visiting family and the past.
On the subject of travel, a lot of people go on vacation and gain a lot of wait. I've always done the opposite. In fact I usually come back and up a little depressed about my lifestyle that keeps me at a desk too often and the weather and lack of interesting terrain here that keeps me from more the more active pursuits that I used to enjoy--like hiking, swimming, using boats that don't have a motor, etc. I've been to Colorado or other western states probably a dozen times in my adult life and always come back feeling better and definitely fitter, despite eating out for dinner most nights, because my days are more active. And even this month when I went to the Caribbean I came back lighter and feeling more refreshed. Maybe because I was more active more days, but I think also because I just ate better. Sure, I had more desserts, but on the whole I tended to eat light for breakfast--which is about the same as I always do. And then light for lunch (which I try to do here but don't always succeed). And then dinner would more of a large meal, but I often went with fish and never had anything fried. So as a result I never walked away from a table feeling stuffed and sleepy--which is often how I feel after eating out at some casual restaurant. In addition, on weekends and vacations I tend to avoid caffeine--not for any real reason other than I think it's bad for the body in general and it's good to let your system purge regularly. So I feel better avoiding that jittery feeling I sometimes get. Plus, I'm eliminating a lot of sugar that I would get normally from drinking a soft drink, not to mention everything that comes from milk--which I always drink in coffee.
This year in general I've been making an effort to be more healthy since the first of the year. Not too aggressively. Like, for the month of January I cut red meat out of my diet. The last two weeks I've cut pretty much everything bad for me out of my diet--at least during the work week--and strictly followed the small healthy meals principle. And eaten nothing fried, no red meat, no soda or desserts or anything really with empty calories. And at the same time added like aerobic exercise and light weight training work. As a result I've lost around 15 pounds on the year and some of my work clothing in starting to get baggy. I'm not sure why I'm doing it...other than why not? And because it could possibly lead to be sleeping better as a result of what may be sleep apnea (I have some of the symptoms, like irregular breathing when I sleep, but not others like dry mouth, morning headaches, forgetfulness, narcolepsy, etc...). But more or less I'm happy with myself and who I am right now. I've been relatively health conscious for years--not because I've had any problems or warning signs--but because I'm just a paranoid person and I'm naturally mindful of such things in the same way that I'm mindful of having a savings account. My blood pressure has always been good as has any blood work I've had done.
When I was in my twenties I went through a very obsessive--probably unhealthy--phase where I was overly concerned about my appearance. I definitely felt I had to look and dress a certain way to be accepted by people and have value. Like most decisions I made in my twenties, I'm sure this was a reaction to women. Not the proper one--just being myself and comfortable with who I am ended up being a better solution. But for a while--especially the first year or so I lived in Texas and the last months in South Carolina--I was definitely a little crazy about what I would eat and how much I would work out. It may have also been motivated by a trip to visit my sister where I got winded hiking up a mountain and just felt embarrassed. In any case, at this point in my life I'm certain I'm in better shape in every way then I was when I finished college. And not many people can say that. Then again, it's not saying much. I smoked too much, drank too much, never slept, ate unhealthy shit daily, and--though I was into intramural sports and stuff the first few years--my last year was mostly spent socializing and fucking around. In any case, in my twenties I got in better shape and as a result now I'm stronger, can still run, and can definitely go to someplace like Colorado and go all day on trails and not have to turn back or give up making a steep ascent up a mountain because I'm winded. Some of that may be from just not smoking. But I feel like I look better, too...possibly because I don't grow facial hair any more or have hair down to my chin. But in general when I run into someone from college that I haven't seen in years they are surprised and mention something to that effect.
I've also flirted with the idea of changing jobs again since the start of the year. Actually, I wasn't even thinking about it until a friend mentioned an opportunity. The last time I was looking in the summer it was a similar situation--and I was mostly only interested for the chance of scenery (ie, leaving Texas). But right now that's not something I want. But it doesn't change the fact that I took the job I have now just because I was seeking stability. I wasn't super-excited about the job or company, but the my former employer was having financial problems and sold out to a larger corporation and promptly started laying people off, sending others to China, and forcing everyone to work longer hours while at the same time cutting their benefits (health care, annual bonus) and vacation time.
Four year ago, when I decided NOT to stay in consulting, that was a conscious choice based on NOT being the kind of person defined by their work. I don't judge people who are. Especially people who are lucky enough to have a cool job that they like. But if I look at the model I had growing up--my parents--their life was defined my family. That's the same for most of my relatives--except one uncle (who has now been divorced 3 times). My college friends--all of whom have engineering degrees--are the same way. Most work to provide for their family, but the focus is DEFINITELY the life outside of work. That's even true of most of my engineering peers at work. Most want to work their day and then go home. There's very few in the "I want to conquer the world and rise to middle-management" career path who are willing to put in 60 hour weeks doing administrative bullshit.
I'm kind of worried that my own adult life HAS been defined by career. I have friends and I have family, but work seems to be the dominant force in my life and has definitely decided where I live and as I get older that's not what I want. Or, if I do, I want it to be some kind of work that involves saving orphans or something in an exotic locale. Like a Mexican beach town. Early in my career I had two jobs I really enjoyed with people I mostly liked. I left the first one because living in South Carolina as a single person fucking sucked. I left the second one over money...which was probably short-sighted...and because I had always been drawn to the idea of consulting and traveling 100% of the time...and that's when I discovered that I don't want to be that person...someone who has no social life, lives in hotels 4 to 5 nights a week, has no love interest, rents an apartment...basically someone like George Clooney in "The Air Up There" with an empty apartment they never see, no pets, no connections, etc.... At this point I'm just more financially motivated, with that motivation being that I'd like a nice house, a stable life, and the ability to live comfortably--preferably with someone else--and be able to afford nice vacations and fancy dinners and never, ever have to worry about not being able to pay a bill or what happens if I get laid off for six months. And my current job DOES provide that. It IS stable. But, still, I wake up some days with this desire to at least be a little more challenged. I suppose some people get engineering jobs as a gateway to a boring administrative/office/business job. I don't want that. But I do want to be stimulated. I want to be given problems that involve my brain (and math!) that I can solve. And so that's why I end up looking around. Well, that, and because it would be nice to work someplace that lets me work Monday - Thursday or telecommute. Short of that, a job near the beach or the mountains would be the dream goal...but right now I'm very happy in Texas and with my life over the past six months, so there's no need to move.
Of course, right now my biggest (only) work complaint is that I'm often bored. And that's a result of supporting a program that's still almost two years away from actual manufacturing--the area I support. But the product is exciting, I'm paid well, it's stable, and I'm doing a job that very few people are qualified or capable of doing with a title and a pay grade where most of my peers have 20 years of experience and I only have ten. I should be satisfied and not complaining. After all, it's a tough job market since Obamacare single-handedly destroyed America.
Maybe it's all astrological--though I don't believe in such things. My horoscope said the last week of February will have me wanting to "strengthen bonds" or commitments or some such.
Springtime in general makes me restless. And though it's only February, it seems like it's been springtime here for damn near a month. Spring makes me randy. It makes me crave passion. Intimacy. Adventure. Fun. I don't know if that's just some sort of learned behavior from books and movies or if there's something more biological to it. After all, most mammals are on the move and breeding in the spring. It's in some ways the opposite of the way I feel in the fall. The fall makes me crave nostalgia. It makes me want to settle down. It's about moments and making memories and long evenings spent sipping wine and making memories and watching movies and avoiding the cold. Spring seems to be about a different kind of romance that is more based in passion and making things happen and making new memories and exploring things. I'd rather be traveling in the spring. To new places. Doing something exotic and fun. Whereas I also like to travel in the fall, but it's often more about visiting family and the past.
On the subject of travel, a lot of people go on vacation and gain a lot of wait. I've always done the opposite. In fact I usually come back and up a little depressed about my lifestyle that keeps me at a desk too often and the weather and lack of interesting terrain here that keeps me from more the more active pursuits that I used to enjoy--like hiking, swimming, using boats that don't have a motor, etc. I've been to Colorado or other western states probably a dozen times in my adult life and always come back feeling better and definitely fitter, despite eating out for dinner most nights, because my days are more active. And even this month when I went to the Caribbean I came back lighter and feeling more refreshed. Maybe because I was more active more days, but I think also because I just ate better. Sure, I had more desserts, but on the whole I tended to eat light for breakfast--which is about the same as I always do. And then light for lunch (which I try to do here but don't always succeed). And then dinner would more of a large meal, but I often went with fish and never had anything fried. So as a result I never walked away from a table feeling stuffed and sleepy--which is often how I feel after eating out at some casual restaurant. In addition, on weekends and vacations I tend to avoid caffeine--not for any real reason other than I think it's bad for the body in general and it's good to let your system purge regularly. So I feel better avoiding that jittery feeling I sometimes get. Plus, I'm eliminating a lot of sugar that I would get normally from drinking a soft drink, not to mention everything that comes from milk--which I always drink in coffee.
This year in general I've been making an effort to be more healthy since the first of the year. Not too aggressively. Like, for the month of January I cut red meat out of my diet. The last two weeks I've cut pretty much everything bad for me out of my diet--at least during the work week--and strictly followed the small healthy meals principle. And eaten nothing fried, no red meat, no soda or desserts or anything really with empty calories. And at the same time added like aerobic exercise and light weight training work. As a result I've lost around 15 pounds on the year and some of my work clothing in starting to get baggy. I'm not sure why I'm doing it...other than why not? And because it could possibly lead to be sleeping better as a result of what may be sleep apnea (I have some of the symptoms, like irregular breathing when I sleep, but not others like dry mouth, morning headaches, forgetfulness, narcolepsy, etc...). But more or less I'm happy with myself and who I am right now. I've been relatively health conscious for years--not because I've had any problems or warning signs--but because I'm just a paranoid person and I'm naturally mindful of such things in the same way that I'm mindful of having a savings account. My blood pressure has always been good as has any blood work I've had done.
When I was in my twenties I went through a very obsessive--probably unhealthy--phase where I was overly concerned about my appearance. I definitely felt I had to look and dress a certain way to be accepted by people and have value. Like most decisions I made in my twenties, I'm sure this was a reaction to women. Not the proper one--just being myself and comfortable with who I am ended up being a better solution. But for a while--especially the first year or so I lived in Texas and the last months in South Carolina--I was definitely a little crazy about what I would eat and how much I would work out. It may have also been motivated by a trip to visit my sister where I got winded hiking up a mountain and just felt embarrassed. In any case, at this point in my life I'm certain I'm in better shape in every way then I was when I finished college. And not many people can say that. Then again, it's not saying much. I smoked too much, drank too much, never slept, ate unhealthy shit daily, and--though I was into intramural sports and stuff the first few years--my last year was mostly spent socializing and fucking around. In any case, in my twenties I got in better shape and as a result now I'm stronger, can still run, and can definitely go to someplace like Colorado and go all day on trails and not have to turn back or give up making a steep ascent up a mountain because I'm winded. Some of that may be from just not smoking. But I feel like I look better, too...possibly because I don't grow facial hair any more or have hair down to my chin. But in general when I run into someone from college that I haven't seen in years they are surprised and mention something to that effect.
I've also flirted with the idea of changing jobs again since the start of the year. Actually, I wasn't even thinking about it until a friend mentioned an opportunity. The last time I was looking in the summer it was a similar situation--and I was mostly only interested for the chance of scenery (ie, leaving Texas). But right now that's not something I want. But it doesn't change the fact that I took the job I have now just because I was seeking stability. I wasn't super-excited about the job or company, but the my former employer was having financial problems and sold out to a larger corporation and promptly started laying people off, sending others to China, and forcing everyone to work longer hours while at the same time cutting their benefits (health care, annual bonus) and vacation time.
Four year ago, when I decided NOT to stay in consulting, that was a conscious choice based on NOT being the kind of person defined by their work. I don't judge people who are. Especially people who are lucky enough to have a cool job that they like. But if I look at the model I had growing up--my parents--their life was defined my family. That's the same for most of my relatives--except one uncle (who has now been divorced 3 times). My college friends--all of whom have engineering degrees--are the same way. Most work to provide for their family, but the focus is DEFINITELY the life outside of work. That's even true of most of my engineering peers at work. Most want to work their day and then go home. There's very few in the "I want to conquer the world and rise to middle-management" career path who are willing to put in 60 hour weeks doing administrative bullshit.
I'm kind of worried that my own adult life HAS been defined by career. I have friends and I have family, but work seems to be the dominant force in my life and has definitely decided where I live and as I get older that's not what I want. Or, if I do, I want it to be some kind of work that involves saving orphans or something in an exotic locale. Like a Mexican beach town. Early in my career I had two jobs I really enjoyed with people I mostly liked. I left the first one because living in South Carolina as a single person fucking sucked. I left the second one over money...which was probably short-sighted...and because I had always been drawn to the idea of consulting and traveling 100% of the time...and that's when I discovered that I don't want to be that person...someone who has no social life, lives in hotels 4 to 5 nights a week, has no love interest, rents an apartment...basically someone like George Clooney in "The Air Up There" with an empty apartment they never see, no pets, no connections, etc.... At this point I'm just more financially motivated, with that motivation being that I'd like a nice house, a stable life, and the ability to live comfortably--preferably with someone else--and be able to afford nice vacations and fancy dinners and never, ever have to worry about not being able to pay a bill or what happens if I get laid off for six months. And my current job DOES provide that. It IS stable. But, still, I wake up some days with this desire to at least be a little more challenged. I suppose some people get engineering jobs as a gateway to a boring administrative/office/business job. I don't want that. But I do want to be stimulated. I want to be given problems that involve my brain (and math!) that I can solve. And so that's why I end up looking around. Well, that, and because it would be nice to work someplace that lets me work Monday - Thursday or telecommute. Short of that, a job near the beach or the mountains would be the dream goal...but right now I'm very happy in Texas and with my life over the past six months, so there's no need to move.
Of course, right now my biggest (only) work complaint is that I'm often bored. And that's a result of supporting a program that's still almost two years away from actual manufacturing--the area I support. But the product is exciting, I'm paid well, it's stable, and I'm doing a job that very few people are qualified or capable of doing with a title and a pay grade where most of my peers have 20 years of experience and I only have ten. I should be satisfied and not complaining. After all, it's a tough job market since Obamacare single-handedly destroyed America.