Sell Your Memories (chapter 6)
“I came round to try and make up with you.” Pon whimpered, “Then you… you did that!”
“I didn’t mean to!” Tora pleaded, “I really tried not to I really did…”
The corridor of their studio probably wasn’t the best place to converse about the events of last weekend. Never the less, it was going to be brought up sometime. How could they keep their distance when they were working together? Hiroto sure wasn’t going to let Tora stop him from attending his dream job.
“Yeah sure.” Hiroto snapped sarcastically, “You’re a monster Tora. How could I ever have been friends with you? You’re a monster.”
It was enough to shut Tora up. In fact the taller man felt like he’s been punched in the stomach. He hunched and bit his lip, starting to walk out of the glass doors at the very bottom of the corridor. He couldn’t stay here. No matter how much Alice Nine needed him, he was damn sure Hiroto didn’t.
“That’s right! Leave!” Hiroto cried, “You’re a coward Tora. What you’ve done all this time, and what you did before…” Tora stopped to listen. He’d never been one to cry, but tears were streaming down his face uncontrollably. Hiroto gulped and gripped his hair as he started to get panicked, wondering what else he had to do to get Tora as far away from him as he could. “I HATE YOU!” He screamed
***
That was the last thing he heard Hiroto say before the accident. Those were the terms they left on. Tora clutched his head, not wanting to go back to those memories, but having no other choice. They were being squeezed out of him like squeezing toothpaste out of its tube.
“Tora!” Shou cried, staring at him sincerely.
God. He was in that stupid hospital still. He would do anything to be out of there. He stared at Shou, a desperate look in his eye, pleading for the smaller man to let him go. But the stare he was receiving wasn’t lenient. It looked like it would kill him if he moved any further away from him. “Tora!”
“I’m sorry Shou!” Tora cried. “I’m sorry I snapped, but I don’t have anything to tell you!”
“Of course you do, don’t lie to me!” Shou shouted, “Tell the truth for once.”
“Leave me alone!” Tora whined, feeling the wall he’d made between the real world and his emotions crumble. Shou, the friend he’d valued for years and years, was pushing him to his limits. He didn’t want them to, but tears were welling up in his eyes. But he’d never let them drop. He’d be damned if he ever cried in front of someone again. “Shou let me leave.”
Shou stared at him. He could see the tears in Tora’s eyes, and it was an incredibly rare sight. It meant something was terribly wrong. How could Shou stop him? How could Shou look that the torment in his eyes and force him to stay? Suddenly the rage inside him began to decline.
He sighed, hanging his head and resting his weight on the wall beside him, leaning his head on the pale blue painted surface.
“Just go Tora.” Shou mumbled, “Go before I get any more angry.”
Tora looked at him for a while, but managed to scurry off out of the doors and towards the hospital exit. Shou waited for the sound of doors slamming shut before he turned round and plonked himself down on the shiny marble floor.
He held his head in his hands. He never wanted to talk to Tora like that. Never. But he couldn’t stop himself. He wasn’t angry, he was just hurt. Tora had been hurting him for so long now.
When you admire someone so much… it hurts when they abandon you for someone else.
***
Two weeks later.
Since then Tora hadn’t spent much time with the rest of Alice Nine, not at all. He’d only seen Hiroto three or four times, and those meetings weren’t very long. He wondered if maybe Pon had forgotten him already…
But today he was asked to go round to the usual studio they worked in to practice. There didn’t seem much point when Nao first rang Tora, but eventually Nao got to the point.
“You’re going to be teaching Pon guitar!” He exclaimed. Tora’s jaw literally dropped.
He couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to spend so much time with Pon. He couldn’t imagine how awkward it would be between them all, and how edgy he would act around Hiroto. But how could he say no? Nao hadn’t exactly asked him, he’d announced it down the phone and hung up on Tora before anything else could be said.
Tora was really dreading it. He’d slipped in the shower and stayed there for about 45 minutes, just thinking to himself while the water thrashed down on his back. It was a little like a punishment. He turned up the temperature so that it was on the borderline of unbearably hot, but he could have gone further. He could have scolded himself and not really cared.
He remembered when Hiroto told him he didn’t care what happened to him. He couldn’t remember anything and it frightened him. Tora could say the same to himself, but for a completely different reason. He didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want Hiroto to remember. He wanted everything to be erased from everyone’s minds.
Along with that Hiroto didn’t deserve to feel like he did and it killed Tora to hear him say such things. But there was no one who thought the same for him, and he knew well that he deserved whatever bad happened to him.
Eventually, he’d got himself ready and was walking out of his house. It felt strange to leave when he’d been thinking so deeply to himself. It felt like the fresh air and the wind was hitting him harder than it actually was. Suddenly everything felt so real.
He took a silent walk to the studio. He was going to be late, but it wasn’t like they’d miss him. Sure he had to teach Hiroto guitar but they’d have a good time without him anyway.
There was a little park near the studio, so Tora took a little stroll through it. It was a pretty little park, vividly coloured flowers lined the pathways and the sound of birds cheeping was overtaking the sound of busy city streets and the mumble of cars along the roads. It was peaceful for somewhere in Tokyo.
But all of a sudden, Tora spotted the one man he didn’t want to see. Hiroto.
He was at the next entrance of the park, closer to the studio and the gates that Tora was going to walk through. Also, he was with a girl, but as Tora looked closer, he realised it was Hiroto’s girlfriend from before the accident.
He came to a sudden halt, staring at the two and not making any attempt to hide the fact that he was spying on their privacy. But he couldn’t help it, he couldn’t even move.
Not long afterwards, Tora spotted that Hiroto’s head was bowed, looking at the floor as if he was nervous or upset. Very slowly, they both got closer, and kissed each other goodbye before Hiroto meandered off towards the studio. His girlfriend looked back at him, watching him leave like a mother making sure their child got into school safely. It wasn’t right in Tora’s opinion, but Tora was also feeling jealousy boil up in the pits of his stomach.
He couldn’t stand watching them before, and he’d almost forgotten that girls existence until now. He didn’t want to believe that they’d still be together but he knew deep down that his girlfriend would want to be with him a lot since his crash to see if he was ok. She loved him after all.
Tora gulped and started his walk again, but he didn’t realise how wobbly his legs were. It probably looked quite funny to see him set off on his walk again, but he managed to take each step without falling and eventually he was walking normally. His head was still about to explode even if he looked normal on the outside.
Finally, he ended up at the studio. The walk to get there felt like torture, and now he was at the entrance, he wasn’t sure how much better it was going to get once he walked through those doors… especially now that Hiroto was running over to him like a crazy little kid.
“Tora!” He cried, grabbing his arm, “Show me where my guitar is because they all hid it and I don’t know what it looks like…”
Tora couldn’t help but laugh, but deep down he was going mad at how Hiroto had grabbed his arm. God… he thought to himself I’m getting worse aren’t I?
***
“Ok so you can play it all the way through now, can’t you?” Tora asked, sat next to Hiroto as the little boy stared down at his guitar in curiosity. They’d been at the studio for hours now, and Saga had kept suggesting songs over and over again. It got on Tora’s nerves but he’d be lying if he said he’d hated teaching Hiroto. Of course, he loved it, but he still felt unbelievably guilty and shaky whenever he reached over to the smaller boy.
“Yeah sure!” Hiroto chirped, smiling and raising his head confidently, “… but which one are we doing again?”
“Oh maybe we should ask Saga…” Tora grunted, glaring at Saga who shrugged and gave him an innocent look.
“If I didn’t suggest anything we’d all be sat here like a bunch of…”
“Radishes!” Nao interrupted, standing up from his drums and pointing his stick in the air.
Everyone went quiet and stared at him, until Nao slowly sat himself down and concentrated on his drumming.
“Let’s just do one of the newer ones, it’s beneficial for everyone.” Shou suggested. Nao agreed so he grabbed his drumsticks and thought to himself.
“Oh I can’t think just do rainbows yeah?” Nao announced uncertainly. Tora nodded and looked over to Hiroto about to remind him of what he had to do, but before he could, Nao had already counted them in. Tora growled and got ready to play, keeping an eye on Hiroto who was starting to freak out at how quickly they’d started.
But the littler guitarist had started too soon. He’d forgotten that Tora kicked the song off, and once he realised he looked up at Tora guiltily, his eyes looking terrified as if he was scared what would happen now that he’d gone wrong.
Tora was completely put off. That look he pulled made his heart flutter. Immediately he was put off his concentration and his fingers started shaking. He started hitting the wrong frets with his left hand and his right hand was incapable of plucking the right strings. In fact he ended up dropping his plectrum, and to everyone else, this probably just looked like Tora being a clumsy dork.
“Tora!” Saga whined, “What was that?!”
“W, well I thought that Hiroto should have another go because it looked like he got upset.”
“You just spazzed.” Shou sneered, “I think Hiroto would have been fine carrying on.”
Hiroto knew there was something going on between them, and he slowly sunk his head in between his shoulders to try and keep out of their argument.
“Don’t start getting like this now.” Tora sighed, “Sometimes you’re fine with me but sometimes you just can’t help but make a snide comment.”
“I’m trying to be nice but it’s hard when you’re being so…” Shou started. He stopped when he realised they were starting an argument in front of the band. Saga, Nao and Hiroto were trying to mind their own business, but it was so hard when Shou and Tora were arguing over two opposite sides of the room. “Right ok, I think we’re done. We’ve been practicing for ages so maybe Hiroto should just take his guitar home and we’ll finish.”
“Fine.” Tora grunted. He stood up and started to put his guitar away. Shou wasn’t the majority of his problems and he really couldn’t deal with him right now. He could tell that Shou was desperate to solve whatever it was between them, but it wouldn’t be solved unless Tora was willing to spill everything to Shou. He wasn’t going to do that.
The others started to get packed up in silence. Once Tora was done, he grabbed his bag and made his way outside to light a cigarette and make his way home. He couldn’t stay in that room any longer.
“See you later Tora.” Saga called, shocking Tora a little as he opened the door.
“Yeah bye.” Nao waved to him.
“Mmm.” Tora replied, “Have a good night.”
Finally he was walking towards the studio exit. He broke out of the doors and out on the street, grabbing a box from his pocket and a lighter. Thank god for cigarettes he thought.
In the meantime Shou had made his way out the back, not wanting to bump into Tora just in case they started a huge row. He barged out of the fire exit and onto the street behind the studio, which was a lot less picturesque than the park outside and a lot busier. Then again fresh air was fresh air, and he needed it now to clear his head. He leant his head against the wall and closed his eyes.
“Shou kun?” Called a quiet voice from not so far away. Shou snapped his eyes open and looked confused over at the source of the voice.
It was Hiroto’s girlfriend, walking down the road, most probably to see how Pon was doing with his guitar practice. Shou sighed and managed to put a smile on his face.
“Hello Kato.” Shou greeted. “Hiroto’s inside if you want to come through here…”
“Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you.” She explained quickly, hanging her head in nerves. Shou knew she was the nervous type around the rest of Alice Nine but they’d met quite a few times now, she shouldn’t still be so nervous. Shou cocked his head to one side and chuckled.
“Sure.” He replied, walking over to her, “Just… try to keep your chin up ok?”
Tora had just lit his cigarette and was about to walk back home, when suddenly, a voice stopped him.
“Tora!” Pon shouted, running down the corridor to catch up with the taller man. The guitar on his back was making him hunch a little as he ran, and the neck of the guitar was waving left and right with each quick step he took. Tora froze and almost dropped the cigarette from his mouth. Hiroto again? How was he supposed to handle all of this attention?!
“W, what’s up?” Tora asked his voice breaking in between his sentence.
“Well, erm, can I talk to you?” He asked.
Tora closed his eyes and nodded. He couldn’t say no, he just couldn’t. He just wished that Hiroto would get the idea that he didn’t want him around too much.
They both walked towards the park slowly, Hiroto keeping a few steps behind Tora, and every now and then jogging up beside him so that he could catch up. “You know I’ve been given a great idea from the doctor.”
“Oh yeah?” Tora asked, slightly amused at the effort the smaller man was putting in to keep up with him, “Why what has he told you to do?”
“Keep two books, look.” Hiroto explained, grabbing a blue and a red notebook from his side bag, “One’s for the weird dreams I’ve been having, one’s for writing down everything that’s happened in the day, just in case I forget.” He smiled at Tora accomplished.
“Which one’s which?” Tora asked, staring at them both in wonder.
“The red ones like my day diary, the blue ones for my dreams, just seemed to fit like that.” Hiroto nodded and smiled, “I’ve got a lot to write about today, it’s been great!”
“Ha.” Tora scoffed, “Well don’t worry you’ll get sick of it soon.”
“How could I ever get sick of this?!” Hiroto asked, propping the guitar case on his back up. “It’s great, I feel so happy when I play. You know sometimes, when you taught me some songs, I swear I could remember them slightly.”
“I could tell, you were learning really quick.” Tora replied, “You’re getting better aren’t you?” Tora tried to laugh but it was cut short as he realised what he’d just said. Yes Hiroto was getting better. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
“Thanks to you.” Hiroto said, “What would I do without…”
He stopped. Tora looked at him, wondering why he did. It was like Hiroto didn’t want to continue with that. He cleared his throat and smiled back at Tora, “I haven’t really explained what I wanted to tell you in the first place, have I?” Hiroto laughed.
“Well I guess that’s typical Pon.” Tora laughed with him, “going off on a tangent, it’s your speciality.”
“Oh well good! But to be honest I think I’m just avoiding the subject.” He sighed, “It’s about Kaori.”
“Kato?” Tora asked. She was the last thing she wanted to discuss with Hiroto. He shuddered, and focused more on the fag in his mouth, “What about her?”
“Well…” Pon began, trying to think of the words to say, “I just think it’s a bit much too soon. She’s really nice, and I know we’d been going out for a while before the accident but…” He stopped, and Tora managed not to say a word, even though he was incredibly curious, “I’m not even sure if I liked her that much before.”
“Really?” Tora asked, actually shocked at that statement.
“No I don’t think so.” Hiroto sighed, “We’d been going out for ages, but I just can’t get used to her, and apparently we haven’t like, done anything, you know what I mean? We haven’t had sex or anything…”
“Oh… yeah I know…” Tora coughed. He pulled a face as he took the last drag from his cigarette so that Hiroto didn’t see.
“I think if I’d liked her I would have gone further, especially after all that time… I don’t know why I’d stayed with her. Maybe it was because I’d feel guilty if I did break up with her.”
“Maybe, or maybe there were things going on that meant you couldn’t break up with her.” Tora suggested.
“Maybe but I can’t remember. Can you remember anything?”
“No… but I wouldn’t know much that happened between you and her.” He replied, “Maybe you just didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her because you were busy.”
“Maybe but in that case I couldn’t have been really into her.” Hiroto whined, “If I was I’d make sure we got to spend time together right?”
“Yeah…” Tora sighed, “Maybe you’re right.” He screwed his face up, unknowing if that really was the right thing to say. A part of him said he needed to reassure Hiroto and tell him that he needed to give this girl more time, but another part was desperate to break them up.
“Tora…” Hiroto asked slowly, “Can I stay round yours for a bit? So we can talk some more?”
He needed an excuse, and quick. He couldn’t have Hiroto round again, he was already going mad without him there. Panic started to shake through his bones, and he couldn’t bring himself to talk. He couldn’t even get himself to think.
“…Y, yes sure…” Tora replied, closing his eyes as he did.
“Thank you.” Pon smiled at him, and they both walked through the gates of the park. Tora sighed and wiped his forehead, wondering why the hell he couldn’t come up with an excuse.
It’s your chance, that’s why. Thoughts shrouded his head like black clouds, just take him home and show him how much he means to you. It’s not that bad is it?
“I need another cigarette.” Tora sighed to himself quietly, grabbing the box again.
“You’re quite a heavy smoker aren’t you?” Hiroto laughed.
“Well…” Tora replied, “I didn’t used to smoke this much…”