Pretty Things (2/3)
The night was a little colder than usual. Maybe that was why it stuck in Kazuya’s mind so easily, like icicles hanging in his head. But it wasn’t just the temperature that had made the day so uncomfortable, it was something else.
Every walk home with Ryo was different. It was winter, so darkness had diffused around the suburbs as if the city had swallowed black poison. Narrow sidewalks acted as relief from the irritating flashing lights sparkling in shop windows. Sometimes Kazuya enjoyed the city’s embellishments because without the suns warm glow it was forced to decorate itself. Even if the decorations proved to be a little gaudy, they were a sign of life and hope during dark and dismal times. Unfortunately the night that Kazuya remembered was not a night of hope or joy; he kept his head down and followed Ryo’s every step until they reached their neighbourhood.
It didn’t normally take them very long to get home from the city centre, but for some reason Kazuya could remember staring at his grey, fingerless gloves for what felt like a lifetime. He curled his pink fingertips around the frazzled cotton and rubbed it between his first finger and his thumb. If he focused on the warmth from the gloves and visualised a hot beach somewhere in Kyushu, he hoped it would keep him warm and more importantly keep him out of trouble.
Unintentionally, Kazuya always made trouble for Ryo. Especially on dark Saturday nights.
“Kazuya.” Ryo mumbled as they crossed a lit up street and headed towards a walkway that was notorious for drunken tomfoolery. He grabbed Kazuya’s wrist and pulled him close. “Stay close to me.”
Normally Ryo didn’t need to remind Kazuya. Normally there was no need to be so close. In an attempt to understand Ryo’s caution, he lifted his head and took a glimpse at the bar-lined street ahead of them. There were hordes of men on the pathways, but one particular group caused him concern. It was a group that both boys knew.
The fear of catching their eye welled up in Kazuya’s chest. It was so hard to breathe that he decided to hold his breath as they passed the gang. It was easier that way, and even if he passed out due to lack of air, it would be easier than facing the men. Ryo squeezed his hand in a subtle effort to pass on a little more confidence to the younger boy, but nothing would take Kazuya’s eyes off the concrete floor.
Please not tonight. Kazuya thought to himself. Please just look away and let us go home in peace!
“Hey, guys.” He heard the moment they past the gang by. The voice shook Kazuya to his core. “It’s those two thieves we found around Takeshiba!”
The moment they’d been caught, Ryo was pulled back by his shoulder and Kazuya fell back with him. His scarf that had previously covered his mouth fell loose and revealed his face to the men. The sting of cold was just as piercing as the gangs’ stare, After what felt like a lifetime of conversing with suspicious men, Kazuya could tell one gaze from another. He didn’t have a good feeling about this one, especially from the bald, pierced man at the front.
“We don’t want trouble tonight.” Ryo replied in a cool, calm tone to the bald man. “We just want to go home.”
There was a long silence. The man continued to scan Kazuya as if he were merchandise in a shop window. They’d met before, but each time it had been brief and problematic. Not too long ago the man had been interested in buying something from Kazuya that he couldn’t possibly offer, and it looked like the bald man was about to propose the same offer. Ryo grabbed Kazuya by the wrist once again and pulled him back to his side.
“That’s a little…boring, don’t you think Nishikido?” The bald man sneered. Ryo and the gang were far more acquainted with each other, even if it was on bad terms. At the very least, Kazuya would have liked to know their names.
“It’s not a good night.” Ryo snapped, hinting at the pitiful haul they’d managed to find themselves for the week ahead. “Why do I need a reason to go to my home anyway?”
“There’s never a reason to go back there.” Another man piped in from the right, his bulky body blocking light from a nearby bar and creating a somewhat claustrophobic atmosphere. “It’s a shithole.”
“What the fuck do you know?” Ryo spat. He glared at the taller man and immediately he flinched away. Ryo might be small but he’d always been intimidating, whether it turned in his favour or not. “Every time we head back, you guys stop us on our way. You make us feel like we’ve done something wrong.”
The bald man smiled, and at the same time pushed his lip ring with his tongue in a revolting and rude fashion. Kazuya grimaced at the sight. He’d always hated piercings, and this particular man’s lip piercings were stuck to his brain like magnets.
“You’ve not done anything wrong Nishikido. Not our good friend, Nishikido Ryo!” He laughed loudly with his friends and snapped his eyes back towards Kazuya. “It’s him. I’ve got a problem with that puppy of yours. He’s got a bad attitude. I wonder where he got that from… I wonder…”
Ryo tilted his head to the side and pulled a face at the man. His outward demeanour seemed confident and angry, but the tight grip around Kazuya’s wrist told otherwise. Kazuya’s heart was pounding so fast that he worried whether the gang of men could hear it against his rib cage. This is bad. Kazuya closed his eyes and pursed his lips. Another argument about the same old thing. Why are so many people around here so disgusting?!
“Maybe it’s from people like you, who keep giving him grief?” Ryo hinted. He narrowed his eyes and pulled Kazuya to the right, pushed past the tall man and stormed away. “Have a good night Fujiwara.”
Kazuya shouldn’t have believed it, but a glimmer of hope pranced inside his stomach the moment Ryo had pulled him away from the circle that the gang had formed around them. For a second he thought that they’d escaped and were on their way home, but the men ran after Ryo and blocked his way once again. The happy flutter dropped dead into his stomach like a rock.
“I promised the guys that I wouldn’t let you go this time.” Fujiwara warned. Before either boy could glare the man in the eye they were forced down a sidewalk that divided two closed food stores.
Even though Kazuya looked forward to the peace in quiet walkways, he definitely didn’t imagine he’d find himself in such a situation while making his way into the dark depths of such a back alley. He ran to the bottom in hope that there would be a way out or a hiding place. The further he ran the darker the pathway became, and when the view in front of him was completely engulfed by shadow he felt a forceful tug on his collar.
“I’ve got him Fujiwara!” Someone yelled. Kazuya could hear Ryo shouting nearby but panic had taken over his head. He couldn’t make sense of what anyone was saying, and since the alley was completely black he couldn’t see anyone or anything either. After a few seconds of struggling against an unknown man’s grasp, there was a yelp of pain and the grip loosened considerably.
“Kazu run!” Ryo shouted. Thankfully, Kazuya understood. He continued to run into the darkness and eventually hit what felt like a wooden gate. He clawed desperately at the splintered surface and found the top. Somehow, he managed to climb over the gate in complete darkness. When he looked back on the escape Kazuya could only guess that his actions were fuelled by terror. He didn’t want to get used by Fujiwara’s gang; he couldn’t think of anything more revolting. He remembered the piercing in Fujiwara’s mouth and the image replayed itself over and over again in his mind.
If he hadn’t hidden himself behind the gate and focused on the fight in the back alley, he would have probably thrown his guts up.
Men from all directions shouted things like ‘where is he?’ and ‘it’s too dark!’. Kazuya listened to them and tried to keep his breathing calm and quiet . He could make out the shapes of boxes and barrels in the courtyard he was in. I must be behind a bar or a restaurant. He guessed. How do I get out of here?!
“Nishikido!” A voice shrieked, very similarly to Fujiwara. “Where has your puppy gone? Don’t play games with me, you’re already in trouble with us!”
“You can’t have him!” Ryo growled, “You’re not hurting him like that!” The statement caused a flurry of laughter from a couple of men, including Fujiwara.
“You’re so dramatic!” Someone who sounded like the taller man from earlier taunted. “Open your fucking eyes, this is how our kind cut deals. You must know that by now.”
“He does!” A scrawny voice cackled. It was dangerously close to Kazuya and caused the younger man to shiver. “I’ve seen him sell himself before!”
The statement caused yet another group reaction. This time the men laughed tauntingly, made wolf whistles and closed in on Ryo instead of searching for Kazuya. The news was nothing new to Kazuya, but it still stung when he heard the torment that Ryo received. He shut his eyes and hugged his knees. He only sells himself because of me. He thought morosely. Even in place of me…
“Is that so?” Fujiwara enquired. Kazuya could see the smirk on his face even if he was sitting away from the scene. “You never told me that you were on the market, Nishikido!”
“You can take me.” Ryo replied instantly. There was no hesitation or fear in his voice, just complete sincerity and despondency. “Kazuya will be gone by now. You can do anything you want with me, anything… just don’t bother Kazuya again.”
Silence. The group seemed to be stunned. Kazuya would have been too if he hadn’t heard it before. Sadly, he had, and that fact alone caused him heartache. Something rotten in his barren chest told him what was about to happen. No one ever denied Ryo, but sometimes it took a little bit of persuasion. Listening to Ryo try and sell himself was possibly the most depressing thing Kazuya had ever done, but something always compelled him to stay and observe. He hoped for a day that Ryo would be rejected, but even he didn’t know what would happen in consequence of Ryo’s failure.
“Kazuya…” Fujiwara repeated his name. If he wasn’t examining Kazuya with his eyes, he was doing it with his voice. It creeped the younger boy out. “You know why he gets in so much trouble, don’t you? It’s his face. His body. He has some kind of aura about him, and after all the fuss you’ve caused in order to look after the boy, Nishikido, he’s got quite a reputation now.” There was no interruption, even if Fujiwara had expected one. “I asked around, and people know the name Kazuya now. The pretty, girly boy that no one can have. Honestly, I looked at him today and thought, ‘something so good should be shared’.” The gang laughed at his comments. “Don’t you think so too, Nishikido? Don’t you think you’re being selfish?”
“Like you said.” Ryo mumbled, clearly irritated by Fujiwara’s comments. “Kazuya is the boy no one can have. It stays that way.”
The conversation between Fujiwara and Ryo continued down the same path as many other conversations Kazuya had listened in to. It was at this point that his memory became a little cloudy. He’d entered a dazed state and he wasn’t sure whether he was numb from feeling or feeling too much.
He focused on what Fujiwara had said about him. He was the pretty, girly boy that no one could have, the boy with a bad aura, all caused by his face and his body. He’d had similar comments before, but they weren’t quite the same. This time they were so direct and harsh that they hit a nerve and sent him over the edge. There was something wrong with Kazuya. Something that was ruining Ryo’s life as well as his own.
Once the men had left the back alley with Ryo, Kazuya escaped the small courtyard and wandered home - just as he always did. He cried as he walked, wiped his tears away with his grey gloves but continued to cry nonetheless. He was sick of the routine that Ryo and he had adopted, sick of the repulsive memories and sick of the role that he’d undertaken in society. But how could he escape it? How could he escape a problem that was caused by his looks, his shape and even his aura? He hardly understood it, as if the attraction he had to others was completely and utterly beyond his control.
He used the travel time to remember Ryo’s sacrifices. The older boy couldn’t have cared less about what happened to him, and in turn no one cared about what they did to him. On countless occasions the older boy had put himself in Kazuya’s place, even if the ‘customer’ had deemed him to be inferior to whatever Kazuya had to offer. It was ridiculous, but it happened. It happened often. And it probably happened more often than Kazuya knew due to their difficult and poor situation.
This has to stop. Kazuya thought as he entered their poor excuse for a home. It was an abandoned flat that they squatted in for the time being. If they were caught, they would have to move as quickly as possible, but after moving from one abandoned flat to the other they had both adjusted to changing their view of ‘home’ every few months. Ryo is having sex with other men in order to keep me safe - in no reality is that right.
This wasn’t the first time Kazuya had cried over the issue. Ryo had reassured the younger that he didn’t care, and that some men in their area wouldn’t be satisfied until they got off with something, no matter what it was. A lot of people in poorer areas grew restless, confused and desperate for anything to keep them happy, and in some cases, the search could become an obsession. Kazuya had heard it time and time again but it made no difference. Why did they have to put up with it? Why couldn’t Ryo be happy?
His thoughts suddenly came to a halt. It felt like he’d flown into the bathroom without moving his feet. He was stood in front of a dirty, broken mirror that was hung over a dirt ridden sink. A shard of glass from the mirror cut into his palm as he clutched it. Kazuya could remember his reflection easily, as if the shattered image was tattooed in his mind.
That moment lasted for what felt like eternity. He held his breath and stared at his own face in disgust. Out of everything done and said during the whole day, it was his own reflection that repulsed him the most.
If my face is the problem, I’ll get rid of the problem. He thought to himself clearly. He brought the shard closer to his cheek and brushed his hair away from his face.
“Kazuya?” A voice interrupted the moment like a sharp knife. It was Ryo. Kazuya gulped his shock down back into his stomach. “Kazuya what are you doing?”
He was at the doorway. Why he was back so early Kazuya didn’t know, and for a second he even questioned his existence. Was it all in his head? Was Ryo actually there?
When Ryo caught sight of blood dribbling down Kazuya’s shaking arm, he rushed forward and snatched the shard away. “What the hell?! C-come here we have to clean this…”
“I’m sorry!” Kazuya almost screamed. Why he screamed he had no idea, but the phrase felt like it jumped out of his mouth wildly with no control. He jerked away from Ryo who had tried to take Kazuya by the arm. The recoil confused Ryo, who could only tilt his head and furry his brow perplexed.
“What are you doing?” He asked again, “You need to clean your hand Kazuya because that glass wasn’t clean and it will…”
“I’m sorry.” Kazuya repeated, quieter than before. He grimaced at how stupid he felt for apologizing twice and wandered dozily over to the sink. Ryo watched him, bewildered by his friends strange actions, and turned the tap on. After a few seconds of silently washing their hands Kazuya threw his arm out of the basin and cowered into the corner of the bathroom. “No, this isn’t right. Why should I care about a dirty shard of glass? Why should you wash my hands?! It’s easier if I do stupid things, easier if I get ill and easier if I disappear!”
“W-what do you mean?” Ryo asked. His face turned a sickly shade of white as he watched Kazuya deteriorate into a state of panic and hysteria. “You’re starting to scare me you know?”
“You heard Fujiwara.” Kazuya muttered. He sat on the toilet cover and stared at his hand. “The way I look causes problems for us. Maybe it’s more than that, but the best I can do is ruin my face so that no one wants me anymore.”
Ryo was stunned to silence. Kazuya almost heard his comments hit Ryo like a slap to the face. He knew it would upset Ryo but it was the truth, and sometimes the truth hurt. “I don’t want to look like this anymore. I make myself sick. As long as I’m known for the way I look people will use us. You’ve helped me for too long, now it’s my turn to help you…”
He was interrupted by Ryo’s hands on his cheeks. The warmth of his hands on his cold skin sent a reassuring pulsation through his nervous system, and for a second or two he felt completely at ease. But the older man’s face remained serious and melancholy. For the first time in what felt like forever, Kazuya could see tears in Ryo’s eyes.
“You’re an idiot.” He croaked as he managed to maintain his cold attitude. “Why would you do that to your face? Why?!”
“I just told you.” Kazuya whined. Ryo’s reaction worried him. It was rare for Ryo to show such raw emotion and he regretted letting the older man find him in such a vulnerable state. If only he was quicker, if only Ryo was slower and if only Kazuya could confine his hysterical emotions.
“That’s not good enough.” Ryo grunted. He was still holding Kazuya’s cheeks and staring at him piercingly. There was no escape from the telling off he was about to receive. It seemed that Ryo was very hot and cold, black and white with no grey area of emotions. If Ryo was hurt, he would show it and make sure you understood every last drop of his pain. “There is no excuse for doing such a thing to yourself.”
He kissed Kazuya’s forehead and let his head hang against his, bringing his whole body towards Kazuya, dropping his arms from his face and embracing him. Even if Ryo had never kissed the other boy, it felt fitting. Kazuya hugged the other back desperately but couldn’t sense any warmth in his body like he usually could. His chest was barren and shivered with every shaken breath he released from his lungs. He couldn’t see his face, but Ryo was crying, and guilt swamped over Kazuya just like Ryo’s weakened, lifeless body.
“I’m sorry Ryo.” Kazuya apologised softly. “If I knew it would upset you I wouldn’t have done it, honestly, I just want to make things easier…”
“Shut up.” Ryo hissed into his ear. “You wouldn’t have done it if you knew it would upset me? What about you? Do you have any idea…?” He stopped there. It seemed that Ryo was out of words, out of feelings and out of energy. Kazuya could feel it in his bones. He held Ryo tighter in hope that something would get through and help the older man.
It didn’t take long for Kazuya to feel Ryo’s breath against his neck, quickly replaced with soft kisses. Confusion over such actions would appear later, but at that moment, everything seemed perfectly natural and soothing. When both men looked too deeply into their lives, their situation and their futures, the idea of two men sharing such an intimate moment seemed ridiculous and unnecessary. But they’d been wrapped up in their own problems for too long, and deep down it was all too obvious that they needed each other’s company and affection.
“It upsets me that you think so lowly of yourself.” Ryo managed to blurt. He was exhausted, but he needed to say it out loud to the other boy before it was too late. He closed his eyes again and rested his head back on Kazuya’s shoulder. “Why would you readily harm yourself simply to ease our problems? I’d rather… Urgh you should know already.” He dropped his head and clutched Kame’s sides.
“Did you let Fujiwara use you?” Kazuya asked plainly. Ryo shook his head quickly.
“The police arrived.” He mumbled. “So I ran.”
That explained why Ryo was so early. Kazuya sighed and closed his eyes. He enjoyed Ryo’s closeness, his warmth and his love even if it was out of enervation and depression.
“Ryo?” He called out of the blue. Due to the sudden question, Ryo propped himself up and looked at Kazuya straight in the eye. He’d been crying, so his eyes were red and glimmered with unshed tears. It made Kazuya nervous, but he continued none the less. “I know already. I know you’d do anything for me. But I want to do something for you, anything, I don’t care what it is. I’m sick of watching you suffer for me.”
Ryo glanced at his feet, back at Kazuya’s injured hand and pursed his lips. Only god knew what was going through the mysterious man’s mind, but Kazuya always enjoyed guessing. He wondered how Ryo would respond. Would he say his usual ‘you don’t need to do anything for me,’ or would he change his answer due to his exhaustion and shock at Kazuya’s actions?
He wanted to kiss him. His look of despair and fatigue didn’t suit him. Kazuya just wanted to kiss it all away and pretend nothing had happened. Little did he know that he was about to get what he wished for. When he looked back at the moment, he wasn’t sure whether he had prompted it or not, but whoever started it, their lips connected and Kazuya closed his eyes.
The memory of kissing Ryo for the first time was so clear in Kazuya’s mind that whenever he thought about it, it felt like it was happening in the present. All fears for their future, doubts about their dubious lifestyle and guilty feelings were instantly washed away. No matter how many lips Ryo had touched and whatever he’d done with other people, each hesitant peck felt heavenly and innocent. Each time their lips touched the kiss got deeper, hungrier and heavier.
It didn’t take long until Ryo had ripped himself away from Kazuya and placed himself back into his usual, serious demeanour. It had been short, but Kazuya felt changed. For what could have been less than a minute Kazuya had been whisked away to another world, and now that he was back to gritty, poisonous reality, his mind had been reset as if it had been on holiday for a break. There was no such break that could prepare anyone for the life that they led, but as Ryo continued to tend to his hand, Kazuya was thankful for what he had been given.
He really cares. Kazuya thought. And now, he must know that I do too.
They stayed in silence for a long time. Kazuya sat on their make-shift futon and stared at his bandaged hand. Ryo always had medical equipment at hand, which Kazuya supposed could only be a good thing since he was terribly accident prone. Like magic, Ryo would whip medicine or first aid kits out of nowhere, and even though it was very useful, Kazuya wished he could do the same for Ryo with something like food or money. Unfortunately, he had nothing to offer.
But even though he couldn’t feed Ryo, couldn’t give him money and constantly injured himself, the older man still wanted to kiss him. It made Kazuya smile.
During Kazuya’s thinking, Ryo suddenly snaked his hands over the top of his shoulders and around his chest. He hugged Kazuya tightly and leant his head on his right shoulder. It didn’t shock Kazuya; they’d hugged like that quite frequently, but it was different after their kiss and his heart started to beat a little faster than usual.
“I’m sorry for kissing you.” Ryo stated out of the blue. “I hope I didn’t upset you.”
Kazuya raised an eyebrow, turned to Ryo and in effect caused Ryo to move away from his back and sit on his knees.
“Why would I be upset?” He asked. “I kissed you back.”
Ryo pulled a face and shrugged.
“You’re really innocent.” He suggested. “So you’re probably kind of nervous about these things…” Kazuya interrupted him with another kiss. He’d been thirsty for more, but found himself a little too shy to go up to Ryo and demand it. Once Ryo had hugged him and talked to him, he wondered why he was ever hesitant to do so.
He pushed Ryo back onto the futon and forced himself on top of him. He grabbed Ryo’s shirt for support and also to thrust it up his body, revealing his stomach to the cold air. But he could hardly spare a thought for what his hands were doing; all of his attention was focused on his deep kisses and the hot touch of Ryo’s tongue.
Bewildered by Kazuya’s actions, the moment Ryo was given a moment to gasp for air, he looked up at Kazuya with large, curious eyes that were probably meant to be cute, but Kazuya could tell spelt mischief and bad ideas. “You’re really good at contradicting me.” He breathed heavily.
“I don’t want to be innocent around you.” Kazuya explained. “I want to show you what I can do for you…”
The two men were used to being close, but the slight warm touches of Kazuya’s breath as he nuzzled Ryo’s neck was exhilarating. Ryo loved the idea of being pampered by Kazuya, loved being kissed on his jaw line with the occasional bite to his skin, but whenever he’d wished for such a scene to occur, he’d imagined it slightly differently. He brought his hands to Kazuya’s back, slid them down his arc and pushed his fingers underneath the top of his jeans.
“I never thought you’d want this.” Ryo whispered as he pushed Kazuya’s body closer to his own, “But I’ve thought about it for a long time.”
“How long?” Kazuya asked curiously and keenly.
“Far too long.” Ryo narrowed his eyes and replied. Kazuya ripped himself away from Ryo briefly, his teeth locking onto Ryo’s lower lip in effort to make him stay. He tugged on the lip before letting it go, grabbed Ryo’s shirt and demandingly pulled it up his body. Ryo lifted himself and Kazuya threw it over his head and out of the way. Finally his abdomen was naked: exposed to Kazuya’s eager eyes. He pulled his own shirt over his head and discarded it. After that he could feel Ryo’s skin against his own.
Ryo saw his chance and moved up to Kazuya. He locked on to his lips and closed the gap between them, grabbing Kazuya’s hair and pressing them together to make sure it stayed that way. He slithered a hand down his back again and grinned at Kazuya’s cat like reaction to his hot touch. He arched his back as the hand made its way to his pants. Ryo pushed his hand into Kazuya’s boxers and squeezed his manhood, receiving a groan and hot breath against his lips as he did so.
He rearranged himself so that Kazuya’s knees were placed on either side of his hips. The erection in Ryo’s pants was seriously impairing his movements, but he managed to move the small amount needed to guide Kazuya’s hips and place him on top of him. He pecked and nibbled at Kazuya’s jaw-line and thumbled at the younger mans zipper.
Kazuya couldn’t take his eyes off Ryo. A shrill of electricity caused him to shiver due to the touch of the older man’s hands on his cock, and with that, his eyes were directed down to Ryo’s hands. He leant his forehead against Ryo’s and kissed him once more before attending to his closed jeans. “Have you got any lube?” Ryo asked quietly into Kazuya’s ear. Kazuya could only manage to nod as he grabbed the bottle next to the futon. The action caused a sly grin to appear on Ryo’s face. “I didn’t think you’d be prepared.”
It was true; Kazuya had acted completely out of character. But he wanted, no, needed Ryo’s love. He needed to feel the sweaty heat of his body against his own, and get closer to the other man than he had ever been before. Hugging or caressing him with reassuring fables wouldn’t solve his insecurities any longer.
Ryo was fully exposed. Kazuya had never seen Ryo in such a position: naked and staring at him captivatingly from beneath. He almost lost himself in the black orbs of Ryo’s eyes when suddenly he felt one hand push his chest towards Ryo’s head and another grab hold of his naked buttock. “Ready Kazuya?”
He nodded quickly. He couldn’t be more prepared, without Ryo’s help that was. He took hold of Ryo’s shoulders as the other man pushed his fingers inside of him. Ryo could tell that the intrusion hurt Kazuya; his grip on his shoulders turned as strong as a vice. He kissed Kazuya’s nipple and his chest lightly as he continued. Eventually Kazuya started rocking into him, urging him to go deeper, so Ryo pulled his fingers out of Kazuya and pushed his ass closer to his hard cock.
There was one last intense look between the two men before Kazuya moved his legs and Ryo guided Kazuya onto his cock, which caused the younger man to moan abruptly due to the pain. His fingernails dug deeply into Ryo’s shoulders and he threw his head onto Ryo’s. It may have hurt, but he pushed himself further onto Ryo and Ryo rocked harder into Kazuya. His sleek, intense demeanour disappeared and he let out a pleasurable growl over the friction between his cock and Kazuya’s tight walls.
The pain Kazuya felt was shortly replaced with pleasure and pure elation. He called Ryo over and over again to move faster, he himself rocked on top of Ryo in synch with the other man’s motions, but eventually he found himself in complete blissful elation. Ryo’s head pressed hard onto Kazuya’s shoulder, caking his skin with his sweat ridden hair. Kazuya knew he was reaching his climax. He arched his back, leant his head on Ryo’s and whined ramblings. He didn’t know why he was calling Ryo or what he was saying at all. All he felt was ecstasy.
He came onto Ryo’s chest and Ryo inside him. Once he had finished he fell on top of Ryo and laid on the make-shift futon for what felt like eternity. They’d both calmed and were breathing normally, but neither had the energy to move. Life was far simpler just lying on a bed with each other in their arms.
“Kazu.” Ryo croaked, first to break the warm, harmonious silence. Kazuya didn’t move from his chest, just made a noise to show that he was listening. Ryo licked his lips nervously and smiled. “Just in case I don’t get the chance, and just in case you change your mind about me, I want you to know that I love you.”
Kazuya couldn’t have come up with any other word to make the moment more special than it already was. His heart melted at Ryo’s words. Love. It was something they both felt for each other without a doubt, but neither had ever expressed to each other.
The silence made Ryo uneasy, so he grabbed a rag close to the futon and wiped himself down with it, then proceeded to do the same for Kazuya and propped the younger man up like a doll. “I’m sorry if I…”
“We apologise to each other for everything.” Kazuya interrupted suddenly. Ryo stopped and looked at Kazuya with a confused yet cute expression on his face. Kazuya smiled at Ryo and wiped a curl of hair away from his face, “but with our feelings, with love, we shouldn’t be sorry for that. I love you too and I’ve known it for a long time.”
They kissed again. Neither man could help it. They’d created a sugar sweet memory from a depressing event, and Kazuya looked back on the night fondly for a long time. But reality hacked away at his blissful happiness, and some facts about their lifestyle simply could not fit together with their love. Kazuya could feel it ache in his chest more and more whenever he told Ryo how much he loved him.
No matter how much they cared for each other, Kazuya couldn’t lift the guilt he felt over dragging Ryo down. Eventually, the day arrived when Kazuya would leave Ryo and take responsibility for his own life and his own past mistakes…
Part 1
Every walk home with Ryo was different. It was winter, so darkness had diffused around the suburbs as if the city had swallowed black poison. Narrow sidewalks acted as relief from the irritating flashing lights sparkling in shop windows. Sometimes Kazuya enjoyed the city’s embellishments because without the suns warm glow it was forced to decorate itself. Even if the decorations proved to be a little gaudy, they were a sign of life and hope during dark and dismal times. Unfortunately the night that Kazuya remembered was not a night of hope or joy; he kept his head down and followed Ryo’s every step until they reached their neighbourhood.
It didn’t normally take them very long to get home from the city centre, but for some reason Kazuya could remember staring at his grey, fingerless gloves for what felt like a lifetime. He curled his pink fingertips around the frazzled cotton and rubbed it between his first finger and his thumb. If he focused on the warmth from the gloves and visualised a hot beach somewhere in Kyushu, he hoped it would keep him warm and more importantly keep him out of trouble.
Unintentionally, Kazuya always made trouble for Ryo. Especially on dark Saturday nights.
“Kazuya.” Ryo mumbled as they crossed a lit up street and headed towards a walkway that was notorious for drunken tomfoolery. He grabbed Kazuya’s wrist and pulled him close. “Stay close to me.”
Normally Ryo didn’t need to remind Kazuya. Normally there was no need to be so close. In an attempt to understand Ryo’s caution, he lifted his head and took a glimpse at the bar-lined street ahead of them. There were hordes of men on the pathways, but one particular group caused him concern. It was a group that both boys knew.
The fear of catching their eye welled up in Kazuya’s chest. It was so hard to breathe that he decided to hold his breath as they passed the gang. It was easier that way, and even if he passed out due to lack of air, it would be easier than facing the men. Ryo squeezed his hand in a subtle effort to pass on a little more confidence to the younger boy, but nothing would take Kazuya’s eyes off the concrete floor.
Please not tonight. Kazuya thought to himself. Please just look away and let us go home in peace!
“Hey, guys.” He heard the moment they past the gang by. The voice shook Kazuya to his core. “It’s those two thieves we found around Takeshiba!”
The moment they’d been caught, Ryo was pulled back by his shoulder and Kazuya fell back with him. His scarf that had previously covered his mouth fell loose and revealed his face to the men. The sting of cold was just as piercing as the gangs’ stare, After what felt like a lifetime of conversing with suspicious men, Kazuya could tell one gaze from another. He didn’t have a good feeling about this one, especially from the bald, pierced man at the front.
“We don’t want trouble tonight.” Ryo replied in a cool, calm tone to the bald man. “We just want to go home.”
There was a long silence. The man continued to scan Kazuya as if he were merchandise in a shop window. They’d met before, but each time it had been brief and problematic. Not too long ago the man had been interested in buying something from Kazuya that he couldn’t possibly offer, and it looked like the bald man was about to propose the same offer. Ryo grabbed Kazuya by the wrist once again and pulled him back to his side.
“That’s a little…boring, don’t you think Nishikido?” The bald man sneered. Ryo and the gang were far more acquainted with each other, even if it was on bad terms. At the very least, Kazuya would have liked to know their names.
“It’s not a good night.” Ryo snapped, hinting at the pitiful haul they’d managed to find themselves for the week ahead. “Why do I need a reason to go to my home anyway?”
“There’s never a reason to go back there.” Another man piped in from the right, his bulky body blocking light from a nearby bar and creating a somewhat claustrophobic atmosphere. “It’s a shithole.”
“What the fuck do you know?” Ryo spat. He glared at the taller man and immediately he flinched away. Ryo might be small but he’d always been intimidating, whether it turned in his favour or not. “Every time we head back, you guys stop us on our way. You make us feel like we’ve done something wrong.”
The bald man smiled, and at the same time pushed his lip ring with his tongue in a revolting and rude fashion. Kazuya grimaced at the sight. He’d always hated piercings, and this particular man’s lip piercings were stuck to his brain like magnets.
“You’ve not done anything wrong Nishikido. Not our good friend, Nishikido Ryo!” He laughed loudly with his friends and snapped his eyes back towards Kazuya. “It’s him. I’ve got a problem with that puppy of yours. He’s got a bad attitude. I wonder where he got that from… I wonder…”
Ryo tilted his head to the side and pulled a face at the man. His outward demeanour seemed confident and angry, but the tight grip around Kazuya’s wrist told otherwise. Kazuya’s heart was pounding so fast that he worried whether the gang of men could hear it against his rib cage. This is bad. Kazuya closed his eyes and pursed his lips. Another argument about the same old thing. Why are so many people around here so disgusting?!
“Maybe it’s from people like you, who keep giving him grief?” Ryo hinted. He narrowed his eyes and pulled Kazuya to the right, pushed past the tall man and stormed away. “Have a good night Fujiwara.”
Kazuya shouldn’t have believed it, but a glimmer of hope pranced inside his stomach the moment Ryo had pulled him away from the circle that the gang had formed around them. For a second he thought that they’d escaped and were on their way home, but the men ran after Ryo and blocked his way once again. The happy flutter dropped dead into his stomach like a rock.
“I promised the guys that I wouldn’t let you go this time.” Fujiwara warned. Before either boy could glare the man in the eye they were forced down a sidewalk that divided two closed food stores.
Even though Kazuya looked forward to the peace in quiet walkways, he definitely didn’t imagine he’d find himself in such a situation while making his way into the dark depths of such a back alley. He ran to the bottom in hope that there would be a way out or a hiding place. The further he ran the darker the pathway became, and when the view in front of him was completely engulfed by shadow he felt a forceful tug on his collar.
“I’ve got him Fujiwara!” Someone yelled. Kazuya could hear Ryo shouting nearby but panic had taken over his head. He couldn’t make sense of what anyone was saying, and since the alley was completely black he couldn’t see anyone or anything either. After a few seconds of struggling against an unknown man’s grasp, there was a yelp of pain and the grip loosened considerably.
“Kazu run!” Ryo shouted. Thankfully, Kazuya understood. He continued to run into the darkness and eventually hit what felt like a wooden gate. He clawed desperately at the splintered surface and found the top. Somehow, he managed to climb over the gate in complete darkness. When he looked back on the escape Kazuya could only guess that his actions were fuelled by terror. He didn’t want to get used by Fujiwara’s gang; he couldn’t think of anything more revolting. He remembered the piercing in Fujiwara’s mouth and the image replayed itself over and over again in his mind.
If he hadn’t hidden himself behind the gate and focused on the fight in the back alley, he would have probably thrown his guts up.
Men from all directions shouted things like ‘where is he?’ and ‘it’s too dark!’. Kazuya listened to them and tried to keep his breathing calm and quiet . He could make out the shapes of boxes and barrels in the courtyard he was in. I must be behind a bar or a restaurant. He guessed. How do I get out of here?!
“Nishikido!” A voice shrieked, very similarly to Fujiwara. “Where has your puppy gone? Don’t play games with me, you’re already in trouble with us!”
“You can’t have him!” Ryo growled, “You’re not hurting him like that!” The statement caused a flurry of laughter from a couple of men, including Fujiwara.
“You’re so dramatic!” Someone who sounded like the taller man from earlier taunted. “Open your fucking eyes, this is how our kind cut deals. You must know that by now.”
“He does!” A scrawny voice cackled. It was dangerously close to Kazuya and caused the younger man to shiver. “I’ve seen him sell himself before!”
The statement caused yet another group reaction. This time the men laughed tauntingly, made wolf whistles and closed in on Ryo instead of searching for Kazuya. The news was nothing new to Kazuya, but it still stung when he heard the torment that Ryo received. He shut his eyes and hugged his knees. He only sells himself because of me. He thought morosely. Even in place of me…
“Is that so?” Fujiwara enquired. Kazuya could see the smirk on his face even if he was sitting away from the scene. “You never told me that you were on the market, Nishikido!”
“You can take me.” Ryo replied instantly. There was no hesitation or fear in his voice, just complete sincerity and despondency. “Kazuya will be gone by now. You can do anything you want with me, anything… just don’t bother Kazuya again.”
Silence. The group seemed to be stunned. Kazuya would have been too if he hadn’t heard it before. Sadly, he had, and that fact alone caused him heartache. Something rotten in his barren chest told him what was about to happen. No one ever denied Ryo, but sometimes it took a little bit of persuasion. Listening to Ryo try and sell himself was possibly the most depressing thing Kazuya had ever done, but something always compelled him to stay and observe. He hoped for a day that Ryo would be rejected, but even he didn’t know what would happen in consequence of Ryo’s failure.
“Kazuya…” Fujiwara repeated his name. If he wasn’t examining Kazuya with his eyes, he was doing it with his voice. It creeped the younger boy out. “You know why he gets in so much trouble, don’t you? It’s his face. His body. He has some kind of aura about him, and after all the fuss you’ve caused in order to look after the boy, Nishikido, he’s got quite a reputation now.” There was no interruption, even if Fujiwara had expected one. “I asked around, and people know the name Kazuya now. The pretty, girly boy that no one can have. Honestly, I looked at him today and thought, ‘something so good should be shared’.” The gang laughed at his comments. “Don’t you think so too, Nishikido? Don’t you think you’re being selfish?”
“Like you said.” Ryo mumbled, clearly irritated by Fujiwara’s comments. “Kazuya is the boy no one can have. It stays that way.”
The conversation between Fujiwara and Ryo continued down the same path as many other conversations Kazuya had listened in to. It was at this point that his memory became a little cloudy. He’d entered a dazed state and he wasn’t sure whether he was numb from feeling or feeling too much.
He focused on what Fujiwara had said about him. He was the pretty, girly boy that no one could have, the boy with a bad aura, all caused by his face and his body. He’d had similar comments before, but they weren’t quite the same. This time they were so direct and harsh that they hit a nerve and sent him over the edge. There was something wrong with Kazuya. Something that was ruining Ryo’s life as well as his own.
Once the men had left the back alley with Ryo, Kazuya escaped the small courtyard and wandered home - just as he always did. He cried as he walked, wiped his tears away with his grey gloves but continued to cry nonetheless. He was sick of the routine that Ryo and he had adopted, sick of the repulsive memories and sick of the role that he’d undertaken in society. But how could he escape it? How could he escape a problem that was caused by his looks, his shape and even his aura? He hardly understood it, as if the attraction he had to others was completely and utterly beyond his control.
He used the travel time to remember Ryo’s sacrifices. The older boy couldn’t have cared less about what happened to him, and in turn no one cared about what they did to him. On countless occasions the older boy had put himself in Kazuya’s place, even if the ‘customer’ had deemed him to be inferior to whatever Kazuya had to offer. It was ridiculous, but it happened. It happened often. And it probably happened more often than Kazuya knew due to their difficult and poor situation.
This has to stop. Kazuya thought as he entered their poor excuse for a home. It was an abandoned flat that they squatted in for the time being. If they were caught, they would have to move as quickly as possible, but after moving from one abandoned flat to the other they had both adjusted to changing their view of ‘home’ every few months. Ryo is having sex with other men in order to keep me safe - in no reality is that right.
This wasn’t the first time Kazuya had cried over the issue. Ryo had reassured the younger that he didn’t care, and that some men in their area wouldn’t be satisfied until they got off with something, no matter what it was. A lot of people in poorer areas grew restless, confused and desperate for anything to keep them happy, and in some cases, the search could become an obsession. Kazuya had heard it time and time again but it made no difference. Why did they have to put up with it? Why couldn’t Ryo be happy?
His thoughts suddenly came to a halt. It felt like he’d flown into the bathroom without moving his feet. He was stood in front of a dirty, broken mirror that was hung over a dirt ridden sink. A shard of glass from the mirror cut into his palm as he clutched it. Kazuya could remember his reflection easily, as if the shattered image was tattooed in his mind.
That moment lasted for what felt like eternity. He held his breath and stared at his own face in disgust. Out of everything done and said during the whole day, it was his own reflection that repulsed him the most.
If my face is the problem, I’ll get rid of the problem. He thought to himself clearly. He brought the shard closer to his cheek and brushed his hair away from his face.
“Kazuya?” A voice interrupted the moment like a sharp knife. It was Ryo. Kazuya gulped his shock down back into his stomach. “Kazuya what are you doing?”
He was at the doorway. Why he was back so early Kazuya didn’t know, and for a second he even questioned his existence. Was it all in his head? Was Ryo actually there?
When Ryo caught sight of blood dribbling down Kazuya’s shaking arm, he rushed forward and snatched the shard away. “What the hell?! C-come here we have to clean this…”
“I’m sorry!” Kazuya almost screamed. Why he screamed he had no idea, but the phrase felt like it jumped out of his mouth wildly with no control. He jerked away from Ryo who had tried to take Kazuya by the arm. The recoil confused Ryo, who could only tilt his head and furry his brow perplexed.
“What are you doing?” He asked again, “You need to clean your hand Kazuya because that glass wasn’t clean and it will…”
“I’m sorry.” Kazuya repeated, quieter than before. He grimaced at how stupid he felt for apologizing twice and wandered dozily over to the sink. Ryo watched him, bewildered by his friends strange actions, and turned the tap on. After a few seconds of silently washing their hands Kazuya threw his arm out of the basin and cowered into the corner of the bathroom. “No, this isn’t right. Why should I care about a dirty shard of glass? Why should you wash my hands?! It’s easier if I do stupid things, easier if I get ill and easier if I disappear!”
“W-what do you mean?” Ryo asked. His face turned a sickly shade of white as he watched Kazuya deteriorate into a state of panic and hysteria. “You’re starting to scare me you know?”
“You heard Fujiwara.” Kazuya muttered. He sat on the toilet cover and stared at his hand. “The way I look causes problems for us. Maybe it’s more than that, but the best I can do is ruin my face so that no one wants me anymore.”
Ryo was stunned to silence. Kazuya almost heard his comments hit Ryo like a slap to the face. He knew it would upset Ryo but it was the truth, and sometimes the truth hurt. “I don’t want to look like this anymore. I make myself sick. As long as I’m known for the way I look people will use us. You’ve helped me for too long, now it’s my turn to help you…”
He was interrupted by Ryo’s hands on his cheeks. The warmth of his hands on his cold skin sent a reassuring pulsation through his nervous system, and for a second or two he felt completely at ease. But the older man’s face remained serious and melancholy. For the first time in what felt like forever, Kazuya could see tears in Ryo’s eyes.
“You’re an idiot.” He croaked as he managed to maintain his cold attitude. “Why would you do that to your face? Why?!”
“I just told you.” Kazuya whined. Ryo’s reaction worried him. It was rare for Ryo to show such raw emotion and he regretted letting the older man find him in such a vulnerable state. If only he was quicker, if only Ryo was slower and if only Kazuya could confine his hysterical emotions.
“That’s not good enough.” Ryo grunted. He was still holding Kazuya’s cheeks and staring at him piercingly. There was no escape from the telling off he was about to receive. It seemed that Ryo was very hot and cold, black and white with no grey area of emotions. If Ryo was hurt, he would show it and make sure you understood every last drop of his pain. “There is no excuse for doing such a thing to yourself.”
He kissed Kazuya’s forehead and let his head hang against his, bringing his whole body towards Kazuya, dropping his arms from his face and embracing him. Even if Ryo had never kissed the other boy, it felt fitting. Kazuya hugged the other back desperately but couldn’t sense any warmth in his body like he usually could. His chest was barren and shivered with every shaken breath he released from his lungs. He couldn’t see his face, but Ryo was crying, and guilt swamped over Kazuya just like Ryo’s weakened, lifeless body.
“I’m sorry Ryo.” Kazuya apologised softly. “If I knew it would upset you I wouldn’t have done it, honestly, I just want to make things easier…”
“Shut up.” Ryo hissed into his ear. “You wouldn’t have done it if you knew it would upset me? What about you? Do you have any idea…?” He stopped there. It seemed that Ryo was out of words, out of feelings and out of energy. Kazuya could feel it in his bones. He held Ryo tighter in hope that something would get through and help the older man.
It didn’t take long for Kazuya to feel Ryo’s breath against his neck, quickly replaced with soft kisses. Confusion over such actions would appear later, but at that moment, everything seemed perfectly natural and soothing. When both men looked too deeply into their lives, their situation and their futures, the idea of two men sharing such an intimate moment seemed ridiculous and unnecessary. But they’d been wrapped up in their own problems for too long, and deep down it was all too obvious that they needed each other’s company and affection.
“It upsets me that you think so lowly of yourself.” Ryo managed to blurt. He was exhausted, but he needed to say it out loud to the other boy before it was too late. He closed his eyes again and rested his head back on Kazuya’s shoulder. “Why would you readily harm yourself simply to ease our problems? I’d rather… Urgh you should know already.” He dropped his head and clutched Kame’s sides.
“Did you let Fujiwara use you?” Kazuya asked plainly. Ryo shook his head quickly.
“The police arrived.” He mumbled. “So I ran.”
That explained why Ryo was so early. Kazuya sighed and closed his eyes. He enjoyed Ryo’s closeness, his warmth and his love even if it was out of enervation and depression.
“Ryo?” He called out of the blue. Due to the sudden question, Ryo propped himself up and looked at Kazuya straight in the eye. He’d been crying, so his eyes were red and glimmered with unshed tears. It made Kazuya nervous, but he continued none the less. “I know already. I know you’d do anything for me. But I want to do something for you, anything, I don’t care what it is. I’m sick of watching you suffer for me.”
Ryo glanced at his feet, back at Kazuya’s injured hand and pursed his lips. Only god knew what was going through the mysterious man’s mind, but Kazuya always enjoyed guessing. He wondered how Ryo would respond. Would he say his usual ‘you don’t need to do anything for me,’ or would he change his answer due to his exhaustion and shock at Kazuya’s actions?
He wanted to kiss him. His look of despair and fatigue didn’t suit him. Kazuya just wanted to kiss it all away and pretend nothing had happened. Little did he know that he was about to get what he wished for. When he looked back at the moment, he wasn’t sure whether he had prompted it or not, but whoever started it, their lips connected and Kazuya closed his eyes.
The memory of kissing Ryo for the first time was so clear in Kazuya’s mind that whenever he thought about it, it felt like it was happening in the present. All fears for their future, doubts about their dubious lifestyle and guilty feelings were instantly washed away. No matter how many lips Ryo had touched and whatever he’d done with other people, each hesitant peck felt heavenly and innocent. Each time their lips touched the kiss got deeper, hungrier and heavier.
It didn’t take long until Ryo had ripped himself away from Kazuya and placed himself back into his usual, serious demeanour. It had been short, but Kazuya felt changed. For what could have been less than a minute Kazuya had been whisked away to another world, and now that he was back to gritty, poisonous reality, his mind had been reset as if it had been on holiday for a break. There was no such break that could prepare anyone for the life that they led, but as Ryo continued to tend to his hand, Kazuya was thankful for what he had been given.
He really cares. Kazuya thought. And now, he must know that I do too.
They stayed in silence for a long time. Kazuya sat on their make-shift futon and stared at his bandaged hand. Ryo always had medical equipment at hand, which Kazuya supposed could only be a good thing since he was terribly accident prone. Like magic, Ryo would whip medicine or first aid kits out of nowhere, and even though it was very useful, Kazuya wished he could do the same for Ryo with something like food or money. Unfortunately, he had nothing to offer.
But even though he couldn’t feed Ryo, couldn’t give him money and constantly injured himself, the older man still wanted to kiss him. It made Kazuya smile.
During Kazuya’s thinking, Ryo suddenly snaked his hands over the top of his shoulders and around his chest. He hugged Kazuya tightly and leant his head on his right shoulder. It didn’t shock Kazuya; they’d hugged like that quite frequently, but it was different after their kiss and his heart started to beat a little faster than usual.
“I’m sorry for kissing you.” Ryo stated out of the blue. “I hope I didn’t upset you.”
Kazuya raised an eyebrow, turned to Ryo and in effect caused Ryo to move away from his back and sit on his knees.
“Why would I be upset?” He asked. “I kissed you back.”
Ryo pulled a face and shrugged.
“You’re really innocent.” He suggested. “So you’re probably kind of nervous about these things…” Kazuya interrupted him with another kiss. He’d been thirsty for more, but found himself a little too shy to go up to Ryo and demand it. Once Ryo had hugged him and talked to him, he wondered why he was ever hesitant to do so.
He pushed Ryo back onto the futon and forced himself on top of him. He grabbed Ryo’s shirt for support and also to thrust it up his body, revealing his stomach to the cold air. But he could hardly spare a thought for what his hands were doing; all of his attention was focused on his deep kisses and the hot touch of Ryo’s tongue.
Bewildered by Kazuya’s actions, the moment Ryo was given a moment to gasp for air, he looked up at Kazuya with large, curious eyes that were probably meant to be cute, but Kazuya could tell spelt mischief and bad ideas. “You’re really good at contradicting me.” He breathed heavily.
“I don’t want to be innocent around you.” Kazuya explained. “I want to show you what I can do for you…”
The two men were used to being close, but the slight warm touches of Kazuya’s breath as he nuzzled Ryo’s neck was exhilarating. Ryo loved the idea of being pampered by Kazuya, loved being kissed on his jaw line with the occasional bite to his skin, but whenever he’d wished for such a scene to occur, he’d imagined it slightly differently. He brought his hands to Kazuya’s back, slid them down his arc and pushed his fingers underneath the top of his jeans.
“I never thought you’d want this.” Ryo whispered as he pushed Kazuya’s body closer to his own, “But I’ve thought about it for a long time.”
“How long?” Kazuya asked curiously and keenly.
“Far too long.” Ryo narrowed his eyes and replied. Kazuya ripped himself away from Ryo briefly, his teeth locking onto Ryo’s lower lip in effort to make him stay. He tugged on the lip before letting it go, grabbed Ryo’s shirt and demandingly pulled it up his body. Ryo lifted himself and Kazuya threw it over his head and out of the way. Finally his abdomen was naked: exposed to Kazuya’s eager eyes. He pulled his own shirt over his head and discarded it. After that he could feel Ryo’s skin against his own.
Ryo saw his chance and moved up to Kazuya. He locked on to his lips and closed the gap between them, grabbing Kazuya’s hair and pressing them together to make sure it stayed that way. He slithered a hand down his back again and grinned at Kazuya’s cat like reaction to his hot touch. He arched his back as the hand made its way to his pants. Ryo pushed his hand into Kazuya’s boxers and squeezed his manhood, receiving a groan and hot breath against his lips as he did so.
He rearranged himself so that Kazuya’s knees were placed on either side of his hips. The erection in Ryo’s pants was seriously impairing his movements, but he managed to move the small amount needed to guide Kazuya’s hips and place him on top of him. He pecked and nibbled at Kazuya’s jaw-line and thumbled at the younger mans zipper.
Kazuya couldn’t take his eyes off Ryo. A shrill of electricity caused him to shiver due to the touch of the older man’s hands on his cock, and with that, his eyes were directed down to Ryo’s hands. He leant his forehead against Ryo’s and kissed him once more before attending to his closed jeans. “Have you got any lube?” Ryo asked quietly into Kazuya’s ear. Kazuya could only manage to nod as he grabbed the bottle next to the futon. The action caused a sly grin to appear on Ryo’s face. “I didn’t think you’d be prepared.”
It was true; Kazuya had acted completely out of character. But he wanted, no, needed Ryo’s love. He needed to feel the sweaty heat of his body against his own, and get closer to the other man than he had ever been before. Hugging or caressing him with reassuring fables wouldn’t solve his insecurities any longer.
Ryo was fully exposed. Kazuya had never seen Ryo in such a position: naked and staring at him captivatingly from beneath. He almost lost himself in the black orbs of Ryo’s eyes when suddenly he felt one hand push his chest towards Ryo’s head and another grab hold of his naked buttock. “Ready Kazuya?”
He nodded quickly. He couldn’t be more prepared, without Ryo’s help that was. He took hold of Ryo’s shoulders as the other man pushed his fingers inside of him. Ryo could tell that the intrusion hurt Kazuya; his grip on his shoulders turned as strong as a vice. He kissed Kazuya’s nipple and his chest lightly as he continued. Eventually Kazuya started rocking into him, urging him to go deeper, so Ryo pulled his fingers out of Kazuya and pushed his ass closer to his hard cock.
There was one last intense look between the two men before Kazuya moved his legs and Ryo guided Kazuya onto his cock, which caused the younger man to moan abruptly due to the pain. His fingernails dug deeply into Ryo’s shoulders and he threw his head onto Ryo’s. It may have hurt, but he pushed himself further onto Ryo and Ryo rocked harder into Kazuya. His sleek, intense demeanour disappeared and he let out a pleasurable growl over the friction between his cock and Kazuya’s tight walls.
The pain Kazuya felt was shortly replaced with pleasure and pure elation. He called Ryo over and over again to move faster, he himself rocked on top of Ryo in synch with the other man’s motions, but eventually he found himself in complete blissful elation. Ryo’s head pressed hard onto Kazuya’s shoulder, caking his skin with his sweat ridden hair. Kazuya knew he was reaching his climax. He arched his back, leant his head on Ryo’s and whined ramblings. He didn’t know why he was calling Ryo or what he was saying at all. All he felt was ecstasy.
He came onto Ryo’s chest and Ryo inside him. Once he had finished he fell on top of Ryo and laid on the make-shift futon for what felt like eternity. They’d both calmed and were breathing normally, but neither had the energy to move. Life was far simpler just lying on a bed with each other in their arms.
“Kazu.” Ryo croaked, first to break the warm, harmonious silence. Kazuya didn’t move from his chest, just made a noise to show that he was listening. Ryo licked his lips nervously and smiled. “Just in case I don’t get the chance, and just in case you change your mind about me, I want you to know that I love you.”
Kazuya couldn’t have come up with any other word to make the moment more special than it already was. His heart melted at Ryo’s words. Love. It was something they both felt for each other without a doubt, but neither had ever expressed to each other.
The silence made Ryo uneasy, so he grabbed a rag close to the futon and wiped himself down with it, then proceeded to do the same for Kazuya and propped the younger man up like a doll. “I’m sorry if I…”
“We apologise to each other for everything.” Kazuya interrupted suddenly. Ryo stopped and looked at Kazuya with a confused yet cute expression on his face. Kazuya smiled at Ryo and wiped a curl of hair away from his face, “but with our feelings, with love, we shouldn’t be sorry for that. I love you too and I’ve known it for a long time.”
They kissed again. Neither man could help it. They’d created a sugar sweet memory from a depressing event, and Kazuya looked back on the night fondly for a long time. But reality hacked away at his blissful happiness, and some facts about their lifestyle simply could not fit together with their love. Kazuya could feel it ache in his chest more and more whenever he told Ryo how much he loved him.
No matter how much they cared for each other, Kazuya couldn’t lift the guilt he felt over dragging Ryo down. Eventually, the day arrived when Kazuya would leave Ryo and take responsibility for his own life and his own past mistakes…
Part 1