Paint (Subassan Oneshot Part 2)
He smoked and drank so much that whatever parts of his body that had any ounce of feeling in them before the night had turned completely and utterly numb. He knew that Yasu had a far lower tolerance than he did, and every time he looked round to check on his friend he was staring into space. They hadn’t talked for something like an hour and the sunlight had completely disappeared. They would have been sat in complete darkness if it hadn’t been for the streetlights outside the apartment block.
When he looked back on their time together that day he realized it felt like seconds. A whole day had passed and they had just sat, talked nonsense while getting more and more stoned, and hardly any of it made any sense whatsoever. It was some form of sickly sweet.
But the main issue was still on his mind. Yasu was in love with Okura Tadayoshi. Okura Tadayoshi was in love with him. Suddenly breaking Yasu’s heart wasn’t the main problem because his heart was already beginning to tear. He didn’t want Yasu to forget him but at the same time he didn’t understand his feelings. He clenched his eyes shut and concentrated. I love him, but does it compare to their love? Is it love at all?
“Subaru?” Yasu moaned from his left. Subaru turned to look at him and realized he was sat bolt upright. “I don’t think Tacchon’s going to be very happy about this.”
“No…” Subaru murmured. He brought himself up to pull Yasu down. “Don’t talk about him… I don’t want to hear him… he’s wrong…”
“No Subaru.” Yasu cried. He tugged himself away from Subaru weakly. “I don’t even know where he is. It’s making me feel scared.”
Subaru stared at him. His tears were coming back from earlier in the day which had disappeared since the last time they’d mentioned Okura. This time he felt unable to keep them back and they fell freely from his eyes and down his cheeks. Rage started to build inside his chest and he felt his whole body shiver after not feeling anything for such a long time.
“Why?” He blubbered. He shook his head quickly and dragged his hand through his hair. “Why are you mentioning him again?”
Yasu turned to him and watched Subaru curl up into a ball. He was shaking and crying all of a sudden and Yasu wasn’t totally sure he was prepared for such strong emotion. He crawled forward towards Subaru and pulled a face.
“What are you talking about?”
“Why can’t you just stay here?” Subaru whined. “Why can’t you just stay with me? We were fine until he appeared! We knew everything about each other! We helped each other!”
Yasu grabbed Subaru’s knee in an effort to reassure him, but as soon as he did so Subaru jolted away and stammered. “D-Don’t touch me.”
“I’m not leaving you for him…” Yasu mumbled. His head was starting to spin and he felt like he was about to collapse. But just before he could, Subaru suddenly unleashed his anger and pushed Yasu to the side.
He fell to the wooden floor and into a spare painting that Subaru had finished weeks ago. Fresh paint was still on the floor and he could feel the wet substance along his cheek. He dabbed it and stared at the red. After a few more seconds he started to shake in terror.
“I’m bleeding!” He wailed. “Why did you push me!?”
“You asked for it!” Subaru cried. “You don’t understand! Don’t you care about me at all?!”
Yasu pulled himself up using the edge of the sofa and staggered onto his feet. He stared down at Subaru and felt anger surge through his veins. The strange behavior of his friend was getting tiresome and he couldn’t cope with Subaru and his own feelings at the same time.
“Of course I do!” He wailed, “You don’t seem to care about me!”
Subaru watched Yasu get up and saw it as a challenge. He managed to bring himself to his feet without the aid of anything else. He glared at his friend and started storming towards him.
“I’ve thought about you all the god damn time because I can’t trust anyone who takes you away from me.” He admitted. He smacked his chest violently with the palm of his hand, “I love you and you don’t care! I love you more than HE does! I know you much better than him, I helped you through your problems and you helped me through mine. It might have taken me a long time to realize it, but it’s better than never, right?! Stay with me! Just stay with me!”
“W-What?!” Yasu squealed. Suddenly his anger faded and he found himself in a state of utter confusion. He clutched his head with both hands and started pacing the small area of room he occupied until eventually he lost energy to stand. “But… you don’t love me like that.”
“I do!” Subaru shouted angrily. “I love you every way HE does. I love you in more ways than HE does. Just believe me and forget about him!”
“But you’ve never showed any sign of…” He started, stopped and bit his lip. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to react?! “You don’t even like men! I’m confused!”
“I can still love you!” Subaru defended. He may not have understood it himself, but he sure as hell wasn’t losing Yasu to Okura Tadayoshi like this. “It’s feelings, not rules! I love you more than anyone!”
Yasu gritted his teeth and broke out into tears. He moaned to himself for a while as he cried to himself on the floor, but eventually he looked up at Subaru and shook his head.
“No!” He wailed, “You don’t love me like that! And I don’t love you like that!” He took in quick and sharp breaths. “You’re like my big brother! Don’t say that… Don’t ruin everything!”
“Shut up!” Subaru shouted at him, spraying spit over his face. “Just forget about him!”
Yasu’s expression turned from panicked to angry, and with his last ounce of strength he took a deep breath and shouted: “I said no!”
Subaru clenched his fist and punched Yasu in the face. It sent him toppling over onto the floor and Yasu suddenly felt his whole body break. It wasn’t just the force of the push and the effects of the alcohol, it was everything. He couldn’t bring himself to move from where he had landed but he could tell that Subaru was standing over him.
He grabbed Yasu by his shirt and managed to pull it off him. Once he felt the cold air hit his bare skin he realized what was happening. “No!” He whimpered, closing his eyes and weakly slapping Subaru’s chest. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone!!”
There was no sound from Subaru, only his rapid intakes of air. His hands were covered in paint from his floor and his work, so as he touched Yasu’s body handprints of paint were left. It was smothered down his right side, and Subaru dragged it over his abdomen to merge the colours together.
As he grabbed Yasu’s belt buckle Yasu turned silent, frustrated at how weak and useless he was yet somehow paralyzed. Everything about it felt wrong, but he couldn’t deny the older man. Was it his own cowardice? Was it his spineless tendency to let Subaru have whatever he wanted? Whatever it was, it battled with his disgust and left him motionless and cold. Subaru unzipped his trousers and Yasu wondered if he’d ever wanted this in once his life? He knew the answer immediately, but it meant nothing now.
“How many times has Okura done this to you?” Subaru hissed angrily. “How many times has he fucked you? Abused you worse than any of this?”
There was no response, but Subaru wasn’t going to give up. “Are there others? Before him? Even now?” He dragged down the trousers and left paint along the side of Yasu’s thigh. He quickly curled his fingers around the rim of his boxers and slowly pulled them down too. Just looking at Yasu’s cock and knowing exactly what he was about to do seemed strange but he knew he had to do it. He had gone too far to stop.
His paint covered hands slithered up his chest and he kissed the smaller man’s lips, jawline and neck. He stopped and looked back up at Yasu’s desperate face, his hot breath caressing his skin. “How many times has he done this to you? I bet you loved it…”
“He hasn’t…” Yasu blurted. The sensation in his cock, something that he knew was supposed to feel right, felt disgusting. He shivered and closed his eyes tightly. “No one’s done this to me before. I’m still a virgin and you know that already!”
Immediately, Subaru stopped. He gulped and stared down at Yasu, terrified and shaking in fear. He hadn’t known that Yasu hadn’t done anything with Okura yet but he knew how seriously Yasu took sex. He had been so adamant that Yasu was completely and utterly in love with Okura that he forgot about Yasu’s morals, despite their long conversation on the subject in the past. He instantly felt sick just looking at what he’d done. Thanks to his paint covered hands he could see everywhere that he’d touched and caressed… eventually he couldn’t look at him anymore.
He pulled himself away from Yasu and scrambled back towards the sofas. He realized exactly what he’d started and the absurdity of it all. He didn’t love Yasu that was at all. Yasu was just like a little brother, and Subaru didn’t have any family left to call his ‘real’ family. Yasu was all he had and he’d managed to ruin their relationship.
The smaller man dressed himself while Subaru cried quietly in horror of his own actions. It took a long time but he’d managed to move properly and pull his top on. He flopped back down on the floor and closed his eyes, letting a few more tears escape his tear ducts. How did it all end up like this?
Neither of them had noticed the door open. When Yasu looked up after regaining a little more energy he noticed that a tall silhouette was gazing over him. At first he could hardly make out that the figure was human, but eventually he realized that there was only one person he knew with that body shape, that height, and knew that Subaru’s door was always unlocked.
“Tacchon…” He muttered.
Without question Okura brought himself to his knees and pulled Yasu up into an embrace. He hugged him so tightly that the wet paint on Yasu’s body seeped through his shirt and onto Okura’s jacket. Even though Yasu felt like he’d cried out all of the water from his body he found himself wailing and crying in Okura’s arms. He blurted everything that had happened to him and Okura could hardly contain his disgust and anger. He hugged Yasu tighter and tighter until he decided that there was no good in staying where they were.
He knew something bad had happened. Yasu hadn’t contacted him all day and he knew that Yasu would have phoned him the moment things were sorted out. He’d managed to wait as long as possible until he found himself too worried to sit in one place. He had to go out and find Yasu, but the moment he did he wished he’d gone sooner…
He picked Yasu up and walked along the paint, rubbish and glass covered floor. Subaru was hardly moving and it had only been until that point that Okura noticed him. Without hesitation he stormed towards the smaller man and grabbed his shirt to pull him up. He slammed him against the wall and crushed his chest.
“You’re disgusting!” Okura barked to Subaru’s face, “How could you do this to Yasu?!” He let go of Subaru only to punch his face and knock him back into the concrete. Yasu ran to Okura and grabbed his arm desperately.
“Stop it, just leave him!”
“What are you talking about?!” Okura cried in shock at Yasu’s reluctance to reap revenge on Subaru. “Look at him! This isn’t your friend!”
“Yeah well, he was once.” Yasu mumbled quietly as he wiped his nose and sniffled through tears. He pulled Okura and stumbled towards the stairs. “Let’s just go, please. I can’t deal with all this anymore…”
Okura took the chance to glance at Subaru one last time. The man had fell to the floor but didn’t look sad or in pain, just cold. Okura glared with a mixture of emotions; hate, disgust, but the sight of him caused pity to well up in Okura’s chest. He wished he didn’t have to feel sorry for Subaru but he did, and he guessed that leaving the man with something distasteful to think about was never going to change that.
Instead he left the studio just as Yasu wanted. He left Subaru to cry on his own and wallow in his own mistake. He looked down at Yasu as he walked up the stairs and felt tears well up in his eyes.
What kind of mess had the two men got themselves into?
~*~
It didn’t take much for Subaru to remain motionless for a day. Some people would move to drink, eat or simply to find a more comfortable position, but many easily forget how easy it is to do absolutely nothing. To Subaru, it was the easy way out of breathing, living and being. The easy way out of everything.
He didn’t observe the sun move past the window and the shadows creep up on the floorboards, instead, he locked himself away in his thoughts. Nothing could possibly get through the barricade he’d created; even he had no idea how to get out. It was a trap his body had set for himself in case of emergency shutdown. Only to be used under critical circumstances.
After reminiscing the past few months he could almost see a path out of his madness. He had started to scratch away at the walls of his mind and his fingernails had only just created holes in the blockade. A small smirk flickered over his lips as a miniscule amount of hope streamed through the holes like rays of sunlight. I can’t let myself lay here like this forever. He thought. Even if it’s to kill myself, I have to move somehow. Maintain whatever pride I have left.
The twitch of fingers and toes granted him permission to move his legs and arms. He pushed himself up off the paint covered floor and dabbed at his tear-stricken face. It was sticky due to how much he had cried and the paint that had splattered over him after his fight with Yasu. He touched the rough surface of his own skin as if it was just as memorable as looking at a photograph. Had it really only been a day? It felt like his argument with Yasu had happened months ago. He already felt disgust over his actions as if he’d grown out of childish behavior and learned how to cope, but it was a lie; nothing had been learned from his experience other than heartache and self-hate.
He got to his feet and walked around the wrecked apartment. His footsteps cracked as he stepped on broken glass and left footprints in the muddied floorboards. Every step was significant; he’d finally found the courage to leave his thoughts and venture into the real world. He looked at the multi coloured footsteps that he’d traipsed behind himself and sighed. Am I not allowed to forget anything I do?
It made sense to find food. Or drink. The first edible substance that came to mind was alcohol, but once he’d remembered its existence he almost threw up. It seemed impossible for a man like him, but maybe it was too soon for alcohol.
As he searched through his fridge for something to line his stomach, he heard the door click open. Suddenly the idea of alcohol seemed far more appealing; the aspect of another person in his flat made him feel far sicker than the faint smell of beer. He slowly moved away from the fridge and peered round the door. Whoever they were they would have to leave as soon as possible; he wasn’t prepared to entertain, if possible, ever again.
“Who is it?” He croaked.
“I-it’s me.” A voice replied that sounded uncannily like Yasu’s. Subaru’s eyes widened in shock and he marched towards the flight of stairs up to the door. Just as he’d guessed, Yasu was stood at the top of the stairs, dressed, washed and alone. His face was stone cold and serious, something that didn’t suit the little blonde, but something he could easily be forgiven for. Subaru was sure that his own face expressed something far more horrified and fearful.
“W-why are you here?” He asked almost angrily. Yasu sighed and marched down the stairs.
“Tacchon doesn’t know I’m here.” He mumbled. “…again. But I’m not staying. I’m here to get my things.”
“I see…” Subaru bit his lip and let Yasu past him to go to his room. He followed the smaller man slowly like a lost puppy. “Don’t you think it’s a bit… soon?”
“Nope.” Yasu replied coldly as he disappeared into his room. Subaru waited outside, guessing that he should respect Yasu’s privacy, and tapped his foot nervously.
“No really.” Subaru grunted. “This is far too soon.”
“For you, Subaru, yes.” Yasu shouted through the door. “For me, it’s not soon enough.” Subaru gulped and listened to the sounds of drawers opening and closing. “I can see you’ve done nothing to clean up… or sober up…”
The shock of Yasu’s appearance had started to wear away. Subaru could feel the first pump of anger rush through his veins, but did all in his power to ignore it. There would never be a repeat of the other day ever again, and after daydreaming for almost 24 hours he felt like he was in a completely disposition.
“Maybe not, but there’s a perfectly good reason for that!” Subaru spat. “I don’t want you here this soon, just go away! You might not care about me, but remember, my feelings haven’t completely disappeared!” He leant his head on the door and sighed solemnly. Why was this happening? Why was Yasu there? He’d only just managed to get off the floor, and now he had to face the younger man? It was ridiculous! “It’s easy to be angry, Yasu! I wish I was still angry with you! Because it’s easier…”
The door opened and Yasu appeared holding a flimsy rucksack with a tiny amount of clothing. He frowned at Subaru evilly.
“I might be angry, even furious, but I feel bad for you.” Yasu spoke quietly. He dropped the rucksack and clenched his fists. Subaru wondered whether he was about to hit him, so in reaction he grimaced and tensed his muscles. The punch never came, and neither did Yasu’s next sentence.
“W-what do you mean?”
“You need to remember what’s important to you, Subaru.” Yasu explained. His eyes softened a little, and finally Subaru could breathe easier. “Drinking, smoking and everything that goes with those things aren’t important at all. Your friends are important, but do you even know them anymore? You forgot me, after all this time, and for now, you’re going to lose me.”
“Yasu, I…”
“Let me finish.” Yasu snapped bluntly. Subaru had never heard him so serious, and it added to the list of what terrified him that day. “I have one last piece of advice to give you before I leave and live with Tacchon for a while.”
Subaru cringed at the name. It was enough to bring his hangover back to life. He closed his eyes and clutched his head as if his headache would pass if he couldn’t see Yasu’s strict frown. Reality had hit him hard, again, and no matter how long he escaped into his mind he would always be met by something too difficult and bitter to cope with. Wasn’t it this that had turned him to alcohol? Wasn’t it the threat of real life situations that had led him to drugs? He gave Yasu a pained grimace but it wasn’t tendered or sympathized in the slightest. This was life, and Yasu was teaching him how to live it.
“Paint.” He stated finally. Subaru jolted at the sudden outburst. “You paint all the time, but you don’t do it properly. Once I’ve left this apartment, pick up your brush and paint. If you don’t, don’t bother seeing me again. Do you promise?”
Subaru stared at Yasu for what felt like a lifetime. He could feel his face age at the prospect of staring any longer, so slowly he nodded, and therefore gave Yasu the sign to leave. He picked up his bag and pushed past Subaru. “I expect to see this painting one day. I’ll know if it’s the right one or not.”
It felt like a second had passed when the door slammed shut. Somehow, night appeared, and Subaru had been stood in the same position all that time. He flinched and looked around the messy apartment. Once there was life, happiness and joy due to the laughter of his friends and flatmates. Now he was all alone surrounded by pictures that looked alien to him.
Yasu was right. He hadn’t painted properly for years. So what if he’d gained a bit of money, money was cold, and had been proven by how empty his fridge was, how dark his apartment was and how lonely his heart was. He slowly bent to his knees and picked up his brush.
Well… he sighed as he stared at the thin piece of wood. It’s either this or nothing.
A/N: I have no idea why I wrote this. It's really old but I thought I should add to it a little. I have no idea whether it flows, if it makes sense etc... I mean it's Subassan... I don't even know if that's the right word to use xD shows how much I know tbh...
When he looked back on their time together that day he realized it felt like seconds. A whole day had passed and they had just sat, talked nonsense while getting more and more stoned, and hardly any of it made any sense whatsoever. It was some form of sickly sweet.
But the main issue was still on his mind. Yasu was in love with Okura Tadayoshi. Okura Tadayoshi was in love with him. Suddenly breaking Yasu’s heart wasn’t the main problem because his heart was already beginning to tear. He didn’t want Yasu to forget him but at the same time he didn’t understand his feelings. He clenched his eyes shut and concentrated. I love him, but does it compare to their love? Is it love at all?
“Subaru?” Yasu moaned from his left. Subaru turned to look at him and realized he was sat bolt upright. “I don’t think Tacchon’s going to be very happy about this.”
“No…” Subaru murmured. He brought himself up to pull Yasu down. “Don’t talk about him… I don’t want to hear him… he’s wrong…”
“No Subaru.” Yasu cried. He tugged himself away from Subaru weakly. “I don’t even know where he is. It’s making me feel scared.”
Subaru stared at him. His tears were coming back from earlier in the day which had disappeared since the last time they’d mentioned Okura. This time he felt unable to keep them back and they fell freely from his eyes and down his cheeks. Rage started to build inside his chest and he felt his whole body shiver after not feeling anything for such a long time.
“Why?” He blubbered. He shook his head quickly and dragged his hand through his hair. “Why are you mentioning him again?”
Yasu turned to him and watched Subaru curl up into a ball. He was shaking and crying all of a sudden and Yasu wasn’t totally sure he was prepared for such strong emotion. He crawled forward towards Subaru and pulled a face.
“What are you talking about?”
“Why can’t you just stay here?” Subaru whined. “Why can’t you just stay with me? We were fine until he appeared! We knew everything about each other! We helped each other!”
Yasu grabbed Subaru’s knee in an effort to reassure him, but as soon as he did so Subaru jolted away and stammered. “D-Don’t touch me.”
“I’m not leaving you for him…” Yasu mumbled. His head was starting to spin and he felt like he was about to collapse. But just before he could, Subaru suddenly unleashed his anger and pushed Yasu to the side.
He fell to the wooden floor and into a spare painting that Subaru had finished weeks ago. Fresh paint was still on the floor and he could feel the wet substance along his cheek. He dabbed it and stared at the red. After a few more seconds he started to shake in terror.
“I’m bleeding!” He wailed. “Why did you push me!?”
“You asked for it!” Subaru cried. “You don’t understand! Don’t you care about me at all?!”
Yasu pulled himself up using the edge of the sofa and staggered onto his feet. He stared down at Subaru and felt anger surge through his veins. The strange behavior of his friend was getting tiresome and he couldn’t cope with Subaru and his own feelings at the same time.
“Of course I do!” He wailed, “You don’t seem to care about me!”
Subaru watched Yasu get up and saw it as a challenge. He managed to bring himself to his feet without the aid of anything else. He glared at his friend and started storming towards him.
“I’ve thought about you all the god damn time because I can’t trust anyone who takes you away from me.” He admitted. He smacked his chest violently with the palm of his hand, “I love you and you don’t care! I love you more than HE does! I know you much better than him, I helped you through your problems and you helped me through mine. It might have taken me a long time to realize it, but it’s better than never, right?! Stay with me! Just stay with me!”
“W-What?!” Yasu squealed. Suddenly his anger faded and he found himself in a state of utter confusion. He clutched his head with both hands and started pacing the small area of room he occupied until eventually he lost energy to stand. “But… you don’t love me like that.”
“I do!” Subaru shouted angrily. “I love you every way HE does. I love you in more ways than HE does. Just believe me and forget about him!”
“But you’ve never showed any sign of…” He started, stopped and bit his lip. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to react?! “You don’t even like men! I’m confused!”
“I can still love you!” Subaru defended. He may not have understood it himself, but he sure as hell wasn’t losing Yasu to Okura Tadayoshi like this. “It’s feelings, not rules! I love you more than anyone!”
Yasu gritted his teeth and broke out into tears. He moaned to himself for a while as he cried to himself on the floor, but eventually he looked up at Subaru and shook his head.
“No!” He wailed, “You don’t love me like that! And I don’t love you like that!” He took in quick and sharp breaths. “You’re like my big brother! Don’t say that… Don’t ruin everything!”
“Shut up!” Subaru shouted at him, spraying spit over his face. “Just forget about him!”
Yasu’s expression turned from panicked to angry, and with his last ounce of strength he took a deep breath and shouted: “I said no!”
Subaru clenched his fist and punched Yasu in the face. It sent him toppling over onto the floor and Yasu suddenly felt his whole body break. It wasn’t just the force of the push and the effects of the alcohol, it was everything. He couldn’t bring himself to move from where he had landed but he could tell that Subaru was standing over him.
He grabbed Yasu by his shirt and managed to pull it off him. Once he felt the cold air hit his bare skin he realized what was happening. “No!” He whimpered, closing his eyes and weakly slapping Subaru’s chest. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone!!”
There was no sound from Subaru, only his rapid intakes of air. His hands were covered in paint from his floor and his work, so as he touched Yasu’s body handprints of paint were left. It was smothered down his right side, and Subaru dragged it over his abdomen to merge the colours together.
As he grabbed Yasu’s belt buckle Yasu turned silent, frustrated at how weak and useless he was yet somehow paralyzed. Everything about it felt wrong, but he couldn’t deny the older man. Was it his own cowardice? Was it his spineless tendency to let Subaru have whatever he wanted? Whatever it was, it battled with his disgust and left him motionless and cold. Subaru unzipped his trousers and Yasu wondered if he’d ever wanted this in once his life? He knew the answer immediately, but it meant nothing now.
“How many times has Okura done this to you?” Subaru hissed angrily. “How many times has he fucked you? Abused you worse than any of this?”
There was no response, but Subaru wasn’t going to give up. “Are there others? Before him? Even now?” He dragged down the trousers and left paint along the side of Yasu’s thigh. He quickly curled his fingers around the rim of his boxers and slowly pulled them down too. Just looking at Yasu’s cock and knowing exactly what he was about to do seemed strange but he knew he had to do it. He had gone too far to stop.
His paint covered hands slithered up his chest and he kissed the smaller man’s lips, jawline and neck. He stopped and looked back up at Yasu’s desperate face, his hot breath caressing his skin. “How many times has he done this to you? I bet you loved it…”
“He hasn’t…” Yasu blurted. The sensation in his cock, something that he knew was supposed to feel right, felt disgusting. He shivered and closed his eyes tightly. “No one’s done this to me before. I’m still a virgin and you know that already!”
Immediately, Subaru stopped. He gulped and stared down at Yasu, terrified and shaking in fear. He hadn’t known that Yasu hadn’t done anything with Okura yet but he knew how seriously Yasu took sex. He had been so adamant that Yasu was completely and utterly in love with Okura that he forgot about Yasu’s morals, despite their long conversation on the subject in the past. He instantly felt sick just looking at what he’d done. Thanks to his paint covered hands he could see everywhere that he’d touched and caressed… eventually he couldn’t look at him anymore.
He pulled himself away from Yasu and scrambled back towards the sofas. He realized exactly what he’d started and the absurdity of it all. He didn’t love Yasu that was at all. Yasu was just like a little brother, and Subaru didn’t have any family left to call his ‘real’ family. Yasu was all he had and he’d managed to ruin their relationship.
The smaller man dressed himself while Subaru cried quietly in horror of his own actions. It took a long time but he’d managed to move properly and pull his top on. He flopped back down on the floor and closed his eyes, letting a few more tears escape his tear ducts. How did it all end up like this?
Neither of them had noticed the door open. When Yasu looked up after regaining a little more energy he noticed that a tall silhouette was gazing over him. At first he could hardly make out that the figure was human, but eventually he realized that there was only one person he knew with that body shape, that height, and knew that Subaru’s door was always unlocked.
“Tacchon…” He muttered.
Without question Okura brought himself to his knees and pulled Yasu up into an embrace. He hugged him so tightly that the wet paint on Yasu’s body seeped through his shirt and onto Okura’s jacket. Even though Yasu felt like he’d cried out all of the water from his body he found himself wailing and crying in Okura’s arms. He blurted everything that had happened to him and Okura could hardly contain his disgust and anger. He hugged Yasu tighter and tighter until he decided that there was no good in staying where they were.
He knew something bad had happened. Yasu hadn’t contacted him all day and he knew that Yasu would have phoned him the moment things were sorted out. He’d managed to wait as long as possible until he found himself too worried to sit in one place. He had to go out and find Yasu, but the moment he did he wished he’d gone sooner…
He picked Yasu up and walked along the paint, rubbish and glass covered floor. Subaru was hardly moving and it had only been until that point that Okura noticed him. Without hesitation he stormed towards the smaller man and grabbed his shirt to pull him up. He slammed him against the wall and crushed his chest.
“You’re disgusting!” Okura barked to Subaru’s face, “How could you do this to Yasu?!” He let go of Subaru only to punch his face and knock him back into the concrete. Yasu ran to Okura and grabbed his arm desperately.
“Stop it, just leave him!”
“What are you talking about?!” Okura cried in shock at Yasu’s reluctance to reap revenge on Subaru. “Look at him! This isn’t your friend!”
“Yeah well, he was once.” Yasu mumbled quietly as he wiped his nose and sniffled through tears. He pulled Okura and stumbled towards the stairs. “Let’s just go, please. I can’t deal with all this anymore…”
Okura took the chance to glance at Subaru one last time. The man had fell to the floor but didn’t look sad or in pain, just cold. Okura glared with a mixture of emotions; hate, disgust, but the sight of him caused pity to well up in Okura’s chest. He wished he didn’t have to feel sorry for Subaru but he did, and he guessed that leaving the man with something distasteful to think about was never going to change that.
Instead he left the studio just as Yasu wanted. He left Subaru to cry on his own and wallow in his own mistake. He looked down at Yasu as he walked up the stairs and felt tears well up in his eyes.
What kind of mess had the two men got themselves into?
~*~
It didn’t take much for Subaru to remain motionless for a day. Some people would move to drink, eat or simply to find a more comfortable position, but many easily forget how easy it is to do absolutely nothing. To Subaru, it was the easy way out of breathing, living and being. The easy way out of everything.
He didn’t observe the sun move past the window and the shadows creep up on the floorboards, instead, he locked himself away in his thoughts. Nothing could possibly get through the barricade he’d created; even he had no idea how to get out. It was a trap his body had set for himself in case of emergency shutdown. Only to be used under critical circumstances.
After reminiscing the past few months he could almost see a path out of his madness. He had started to scratch away at the walls of his mind and his fingernails had only just created holes in the blockade. A small smirk flickered over his lips as a miniscule amount of hope streamed through the holes like rays of sunlight. I can’t let myself lay here like this forever. He thought. Even if it’s to kill myself, I have to move somehow. Maintain whatever pride I have left.
The twitch of fingers and toes granted him permission to move his legs and arms. He pushed himself up off the paint covered floor and dabbed at his tear-stricken face. It was sticky due to how much he had cried and the paint that had splattered over him after his fight with Yasu. He touched the rough surface of his own skin as if it was just as memorable as looking at a photograph. Had it really only been a day? It felt like his argument with Yasu had happened months ago. He already felt disgust over his actions as if he’d grown out of childish behavior and learned how to cope, but it was a lie; nothing had been learned from his experience other than heartache and self-hate.
He got to his feet and walked around the wrecked apartment. His footsteps cracked as he stepped on broken glass and left footprints in the muddied floorboards. Every step was significant; he’d finally found the courage to leave his thoughts and venture into the real world. He looked at the multi coloured footsteps that he’d traipsed behind himself and sighed. Am I not allowed to forget anything I do?
It made sense to find food. Or drink. The first edible substance that came to mind was alcohol, but once he’d remembered its existence he almost threw up. It seemed impossible for a man like him, but maybe it was too soon for alcohol.
As he searched through his fridge for something to line his stomach, he heard the door click open. Suddenly the idea of alcohol seemed far more appealing; the aspect of another person in his flat made him feel far sicker than the faint smell of beer. He slowly moved away from the fridge and peered round the door. Whoever they were they would have to leave as soon as possible; he wasn’t prepared to entertain, if possible, ever again.
“Who is it?” He croaked.
“I-it’s me.” A voice replied that sounded uncannily like Yasu’s. Subaru’s eyes widened in shock and he marched towards the flight of stairs up to the door. Just as he’d guessed, Yasu was stood at the top of the stairs, dressed, washed and alone. His face was stone cold and serious, something that didn’t suit the little blonde, but something he could easily be forgiven for. Subaru was sure that his own face expressed something far more horrified and fearful.
“W-why are you here?” He asked almost angrily. Yasu sighed and marched down the stairs.
“Tacchon doesn’t know I’m here.” He mumbled. “…again. But I’m not staying. I’m here to get my things.”
“I see…” Subaru bit his lip and let Yasu past him to go to his room. He followed the smaller man slowly like a lost puppy. “Don’t you think it’s a bit… soon?”
“Nope.” Yasu replied coldly as he disappeared into his room. Subaru waited outside, guessing that he should respect Yasu’s privacy, and tapped his foot nervously.
“No really.” Subaru grunted. “This is far too soon.”
“For you, Subaru, yes.” Yasu shouted through the door. “For me, it’s not soon enough.” Subaru gulped and listened to the sounds of drawers opening and closing. “I can see you’ve done nothing to clean up… or sober up…”
The shock of Yasu’s appearance had started to wear away. Subaru could feel the first pump of anger rush through his veins, but did all in his power to ignore it. There would never be a repeat of the other day ever again, and after daydreaming for almost 24 hours he felt like he was in a completely disposition.
“Maybe not, but there’s a perfectly good reason for that!” Subaru spat. “I don’t want you here this soon, just go away! You might not care about me, but remember, my feelings haven’t completely disappeared!” He leant his head on the door and sighed solemnly. Why was this happening? Why was Yasu there? He’d only just managed to get off the floor, and now he had to face the younger man? It was ridiculous! “It’s easy to be angry, Yasu! I wish I was still angry with you! Because it’s easier…”
The door opened and Yasu appeared holding a flimsy rucksack with a tiny amount of clothing. He frowned at Subaru evilly.
“I might be angry, even furious, but I feel bad for you.” Yasu spoke quietly. He dropped the rucksack and clenched his fists. Subaru wondered whether he was about to hit him, so in reaction he grimaced and tensed his muscles. The punch never came, and neither did Yasu’s next sentence.
“W-what do you mean?”
“You need to remember what’s important to you, Subaru.” Yasu explained. His eyes softened a little, and finally Subaru could breathe easier. “Drinking, smoking and everything that goes with those things aren’t important at all. Your friends are important, but do you even know them anymore? You forgot me, after all this time, and for now, you’re going to lose me.”
“Yasu, I…”
“Let me finish.” Yasu snapped bluntly. Subaru had never heard him so serious, and it added to the list of what terrified him that day. “I have one last piece of advice to give you before I leave and live with Tacchon for a while.”
Subaru cringed at the name. It was enough to bring his hangover back to life. He closed his eyes and clutched his head as if his headache would pass if he couldn’t see Yasu’s strict frown. Reality had hit him hard, again, and no matter how long he escaped into his mind he would always be met by something too difficult and bitter to cope with. Wasn’t it this that had turned him to alcohol? Wasn’t it the threat of real life situations that had led him to drugs? He gave Yasu a pained grimace but it wasn’t tendered or sympathized in the slightest. This was life, and Yasu was teaching him how to live it.
“Paint.” He stated finally. Subaru jolted at the sudden outburst. “You paint all the time, but you don’t do it properly. Once I’ve left this apartment, pick up your brush and paint. If you don’t, don’t bother seeing me again. Do you promise?”
Subaru stared at Yasu for what felt like a lifetime. He could feel his face age at the prospect of staring any longer, so slowly he nodded, and therefore gave Yasu the sign to leave. He picked up his bag and pushed past Subaru. “I expect to see this painting one day. I’ll know if it’s the right one or not.”
It felt like a second had passed when the door slammed shut. Somehow, night appeared, and Subaru had been stood in the same position all that time. He flinched and looked around the messy apartment. Once there was life, happiness and joy due to the laughter of his friends and flatmates. Now he was all alone surrounded by pictures that looked alien to him.
Yasu was right. He hadn’t painted properly for years. So what if he’d gained a bit of money, money was cold, and had been proven by how empty his fridge was, how dark his apartment was and how lonely his heart was. He slowly bent to his knees and picked up his brush.
Well… he sighed as he stared at the thin piece of wood. It’s either this or nothing.
A/N: I have no idea why I wrote this. It's really old but I thought I should add to it a little. I have no idea whether it flows, if it makes sense etc... I mean it's Subassan... I don't even know if that's the right word to use xD shows how much I know tbh...