Burnt out (Kat-tun oneshot)
It was the perfect weather for a day like this.
Outside of frosted windows were navy blue streets, decorated with dashes of water against grey walls. Naked trees in a park not too far away from a hotels’ tall, dreary, grey towers looked black after the rain, and against the bland city streets they could easily be mistaken for frightening shadows or silhouettes of evil monsters. If you looked down from the windows and focused through the white crust of snow remnants, you could see the swarms of pedestrians with their umbrellas, flowing down the pathway like a river. Every time the wind blew the identity of the river would be shown; the umbrellas were pushed away and would expose the people hiding underneath, huddling together to fight the cold.
Kame had been staring out of this very window for a long time. It had been raining for days, and any evidence of the pure white snow that fell in the winter had now been washed away. With this change in season, Kame had felt the urge to change with it, but the transformation that his friends had undertaken was something he had not been prepared for himself. This was the reason why there was a large box sat on his hotel bed.
They were his possessions, ones that he’d received from Akanishi Jin. In return Kame had searched his home far and wide for any of Jin’s belongings that the careless boy had left there. This was their last loving act, as from that day onwards neither of them would be visiting the others house. It was safe to say that they would never be able to pick these objects up themselves. From then on, Jin and Kame would not be together anymore.
A few days ago, Jin had managed to talk to Kame in private. At first this didn’t seem too suspicious to Kame, after all, a private talk with his lover wasn’t exactly what the rest of KAT-TUN thought it to be. However, the look on Jin’s face had worried him, and being the unmindful and naive boy he was, Kame wondered if the boy was sick. But if anything, Jin was sick of him. He made it clear to Kame that whatever Kame did, whatever happened in the past and however long their relationship would last, he could not love Kame back in the same way that Kame loved him.
Reality had never hit him so hard. It threw him to the floor so violently he could only wonder if he’d ever make it back to his feet. Nonetheless, Jin was able to walk out of the corridor and leave Kame to wallow. This act alone proved that Jin’s love could not compare to Kame’s; his emotions weren’t consuming him, causing him to fall to his knees, causing him to cry, causing him to shout the others name…
Now Kame had to remember that day forever. He had to remember that Jin could walk away strong and leave Kame in tears. He had to remember that he was made a fool, and even though he should hate this boy, he couldn’t find it in his heart to do so. Loving Jin even though he’d broken up with him made Kame feel more foolish than he had that day.
But all of those memories would never leave his mind. The day he confessed to Jin and the day that Jin returned those feelings. How they spent days with each other in bliss, talking only if they wished and feeling completely comfortable in sweet silence. He could have lied on Jin’s chest and felt it rise as the older man breathed forever, because in those instances time didn’t seem to exist.
It was possible, now that Kame knew how Jin really felt, that none of those fond memories were genuine. If Jin didn’t love Kame then how long had he known? How many times had he put up with the younger man against his will? Kame had been picking out any evidence of Jin’s change in view but he found it challenging. Jin had kept his lack of love a very good secret.
Kame didn’t want to dismiss the good times because of what Jin had said, but sometimes he couldn’t help those words infect his mind every night and tint the memories black. The nights after work would be spent at either one of their houses, and would sometimes lead to something more than just talking and enjoying the other’s company. Jin had always been gentle with him; his touches were soft and evocative, but his eyes were full of passion. He would kiss Kame delicately as if he needed admission before unleashing his excitement and crazed love for the other man. The moment Kame kissed him back Jin would rise with newly found confidence and would grunt, groan, or gasp in delight. He would continue to kiss and touch around Kame’s body and make sure that no-where was left untouched by his lips or his fingers.
His sex was so incredible that the mere thought of it would send Kame on a high. He never wanted those times to end, but when Jin was inside of him he felt exhilarated, and time didn’t seem to exist.
How could Jin have not loved him? How could those moments have been fake? Kame walked over to his box and rummaged through it madly. He still felt like he was in a dream, and his actions weren’t one hundred percent rational. He threw everything out of it; all of his belongings that still reminded him of Jin, still looked like they belonged with Jin, still smelt of Jin...
He stopped. His stuff was all over the room, his face was covered in tears and his whole body was shaking. Sometimes he felt like he wanted to scream but sometimes he couldn’t even make a noise.
Was he angry? Was he sad? He couldn’t quite tell. He sat down on the side of the bed and shivered. He was confused. He didn’t understand why Jin didn’t love him when everything about him showed love and affection. Maybe something about Kame had managed to put him off the younger man, at that moment in time it was the only explanation Kame could think of.
Something caught Kame’s eye suddenly. He turned to the object and picked it up slowly. At first glance the object looked insignificant, a CD of one of Kame’s favourite groups that was showing off a rather bland cover. But Kame was speechless. The CD wasn’t his - it belonged to Jin.
They would listen to it constantly because they both loved the songs listed on it. In fact Kame could remember making love to some of the songs. He stroked a finger over the said songs and bit his lip. Tears fell uncontrollably from his eyes yet again - despite thinking he’d been drained of tears over the past few days.
Why did Jin give him this? Was it to insult him? Maybe he didn’t care after all. In fact Kame wondered if he cared about his feelings at all. But there was a small thought in the back of his mind that had managed to make its way through the others and give Kame a little bit of hope.
Maybe Jin didn’t want to listen to them anymore? Maybe it was painful? Maybe this CD told him more about Jin than Jin could say? Kame sat and stared at the case and slowly placed it onto his desk.
It was a long-shot, but maybe Jin did love him. He wouldn’t have put the CD in there if he didn’t feel the same misery that Kame did when he stared at the CD case. It didn’t really matter if Kame was wrong; he needed himself to be right for his own sanity. A little bit of hope was better than having none at all.
Kame sighed and wandered back over to the windowsill. He needed more time alone to think. This time he thought of more possibilities; if Jin sent him the CD was he denying his love? Maybe Kame should confront him? Maybe there was hope?
The world outside hadn’t changed, but Kame’s view on it had. However, there was a bitter taste to the sight he was taking in, and he knew it was because his ignorance didn’t completely cover up the sorrow he was feeling over Jin.
He needed more than just a CD to prove Jin’s love. He needed Jin back. Without Jin the world seemed like a scary place indeed - even behind glass.
Time passed. He didn’t know how long. He hardly noticed that he’d moved until the CD started playing from the CD player. The music filled the air and Kame took his place at the windowsill again.
I need Jin... Kame thought. He was falling back into a state of misery again, but this time, there were no tears. I can’t even move without you. I need you - Jin.
.
Outside of frosted windows were navy blue streets, decorated with dashes of water against grey walls. Naked trees in a park not too far away from a hotels’ tall, dreary, grey towers looked black after the rain, and against the bland city streets they could easily be mistaken for frightening shadows or silhouettes of evil monsters. If you looked down from the windows and focused through the white crust of snow remnants, you could see the swarms of pedestrians with their umbrellas, flowing down the pathway like a river. Every time the wind blew the identity of the river would be shown; the umbrellas were pushed away and would expose the people hiding underneath, huddling together to fight the cold.
Kame had been staring out of this very window for a long time. It had been raining for days, and any evidence of the pure white snow that fell in the winter had now been washed away. With this change in season, Kame had felt the urge to change with it, but the transformation that his friends had undertaken was something he had not been prepared for himself. This was the reason why there was a large box sat on his hotel bed.
They were his possessions, ones that he’d received from Akanishi Jin. In return Kame had searched his home far and wide for any of Jin’s belongings that the careless boy had left there. This was their last loving act, as from that day onwards neither of them would be visiting the others house. It was safe to say that they would never be able to pick these objects up themselves. From then on, Jin and Kame would not be together anymore.
A few days ago, Jin had managed to talk to Kame in private. At first this didn’t seem too suspicious to Kame, after all, a private talk with his lover wasn’t exactly what the rest of KAT-TUN thought it to be. However, the look on Jin’s face had worried him, and being the unmindful and naive boy he was, Kame wondered if the boy was sick. But if anything, Jin was sick of him. He made it clear to Kame that whatever Kame did, whatever happened in the past and however long their relationship would last, he could not love Kame back in the same way that Kame loved him.
Reality had never hit him so hard. It threw him to the floor so violently he could only wonder if he’d ever make it back to his feet. Nonetheless, Jin was able to walk out of the corridor and leave Kame to wallow. This act alone proved that Jin’s love could not compare to Kame’s; his emotions weren’t consuming him, causing him to fall to his knees, causing him to cry, causing him to shout the others name…
Now Kame had to remember that day forever. He had to remember that Jin could walk away strong and leave Kame in tears. He had to remember that he was made a fool, and even though he should hate this boy, he couldn’t find it in his heart to do so. Loving Jin even though he’d broken up with him made Kame feel more foolish than he had that day.
But all of those memories would never leave his mind. The day he confessed to Jin and the day that Jin returned those feelings. How they spent days with each other in bliss, talking only if they wished and feeling completely comfortable in sweet silence. He could have lied on Jin’s chest and felt it rise as the older man breathed forever, because in those instances time didn’t seem to exist.
It was possible, now that Kame knew how Jin really felt, that none of those fond memories were genuine. If Jin didn’t love Kame then how long had he known? How many times had he put up with the younger man against his will? Kame had been picking out any evidence of Jin’s change in view but he found it challenging. Jin had kept his lack of love a very good secret.
Kame didn’t want to dismiss the good times because of what Jin had said, but sometimes he couldn’t help those words infect his mind every night and tint the memories black. The nights after work would be spent at either one of their houses, and would sometimes lead to something more than just talking and enjoying the other’s company. Jin had always been gentle with him; his touches were soft and evocative, but his eyes were full of passion. He would kiss Kame delicately as if he needed admission before unleashing his excitement and crazed love for the other man. The moment Kame kissed him back Jin would rise with newly found confidence and would grunt, groan, or gasp in delight. He would continue to kiss and touch around Kame’s body and make sure that no-where was left untouched by his lips or his fingers.
His sex was so incredible that the mere thought of it would send Kame on a high. He never wanted those times to end, but when Jin was inside of him he felt exhilarated, and time didn’t seem to exist.
How could Jin have not loved him? How could those moments have been fake? Kame walked over to his box and rummaged through it madly. He still felt like he was in a dream, and his actions weren’t one hundred percent rational. He threw everything out of it; all of his belongings that still reminded him of Jin, still looked like they belonged with Jin, still smelt of Jin...
He stopped. His stuff was all over the room, his face was covered in tears and his whole body was shaking. Sometimes he felt like he wanted to scream but sometimes he couldn’t even make a noise.
Was he angry? Was he sad? He couldn’t quite tell. He sat down on the side of the bed and shivered. He was confused. He didn’t understand why Jin didn’t love him when everything about him showed love and affection. Maybe something about Kame had managed to put him off the younger man, at that moment in time it was the only explanation Kame could think of.
Something caught Kame’s eye suddenly. He turned to the object and picked it up slowly. At first glance the object looked insignificant, a CD of one of Kame’s favourite groups that was showing off a rather bland cover. But Kame was speechless. The CD wasn’t his - it belonged to Jin.
They would listen to it constantly because they both loved the songs listed on it. In fact Kame could remember making love to some of the songs. He stroked a finger over the said songs and bit his lip. Tears fell uncontrollably from his eyes yet again - despite thinking he’d been drained of tears over the past few days.
Why did Jin give him this? Was it to insult him? Maybe he didn’t care after all. In fact Kame wondered if he cared about his feelings at all. But there was a small thought in the back of his mind that had managed to make its way through the others and give Kame a little bit of hope.
Maybe Jin didn’t want to listen to them anymore? Maybe it was painful? Maybe this CD told him more about Jin than Jin could say? Kame sat and stared at the case and slowly placed it onto his desk.
It was a long-shot, but maybe Jin did love him. He wouldn’t have put the CD in there if he didn’t feel the same misery that Kame did when he stared at the CD case. It didn’t really matter if Kame was wrong; he needed himself to be right for his own sanity. A little bit of hope was better than having none at all.
Kame sighed and wandered back over to the windowsill. He needed more time alone to think. This time he thought of more possibilities; if Jin sent him the CD was he denying his love? Maybe Kame should confront him? Maybe there was hope?
The world outside hadn’t changed, but Kame’s view on it had. However, there was a bitter taste to the sight he was taking in, and he knew it was because his ignorance didn’t completely cover up the sorrow he was feeling over Jin.
He needed more than just a CD to prove Jin’s love. He needed Jin back. Without Jin the world seemed like a scary place indeed - even behind glass.
Time passed. He didn’t know how long. He hardly noticed that he’d moved until the CD started playing from the CD player. The music filled the air and Kame took his place at the windowsill again.
I need Jin... Kame thought. He was falling back into a state of misery again, but this time, there were no tears. I can’t even move without you. I need you - Jin.
.