(no subject)
O man. And I do not mean a country north of Yeman and east of Saudi Arabia. Although if I did mean that country I would probably be writing about something a lot smarter and more intelligent. Probably sadder as well. Anyhow, what I mean is, Oh man! It's been a while since I've done any typie-typie on lj.
It's hot outside lately, and I've been wondering why I'm so picky about my shoes.
I have an iPod now and it took away from my quality time with books. It weighs about the same as a book, but I'm having trouble finding a balance between the two.
If you asked me lately about writing a book, I'd tell you, "I plan on writing one. Maybe if I'm lucky one day, I'll be published." Then If we talked any more about it, I might tell you, "I don't think I have what it takes."
I miss my immediate family most of the time, until I spent three straight days with them recently. Then, in a whirlwind flashback to my late teenage years, I remembered all the rediculous things about them that bother the crap out of me. It took me almost a week to recover from their annoyances, and return to missing them.
According to Aaron Sorkin, if you're stupid, you should surround yourself with smart people. According to Aaron Sorkin, if you're smart, you should surround yourself with smart people you disagree with.
If they make peanut butter, how come they don't make carrot butter? Who was eating a peanut and thought, This would make a fabulous spread! I'll mix it with smushed grapes and make a sandwich out of it. And who was eating a carrot and thought, This would make a fabulous cake. We could have carrots for dinner and dessert!
With that, here's a little something I wrote recently:
Once, I woke up from a nap I hadn't planned on taking to find out I was an only child. When I went to sleep I had a sister, but when I got up my dad was running into the house screaming, "Where's the phone?" He screamed, "Somebody call 9-1-1!"
Somewhere between still being asleep and the adrenaline speeding through my veins, I sat up from the couch and snatched the portable phone off of the coffee table. Before I knew what I was doing an operator was saying, "9-1-1. What's your emergency?"
With nothing to say, instead of responding to the operator, I called for Dad. He materialized from around a corner when the operator was repeating, "What is your emergency?"
I threw him the phone and he was gone back around the corner. When I found him, he was kneeling on the ground over what used to be my little sister. Dad was slumped and redfaced with tears, sirens converging on us from all directions shouting at people to get out of their way. Dad wasn't on the phone anymore and I was an only child.
Once, I woke up from a nap I hadn't planned on taking to find out I was a bastard. My mom had thrown the portable phone against the wall, waking me up. Small bits of plastic rained down on me and the couch. Before I could open my eyes beyond little slits, Mom crouched down and said, "Honey, your father, he better protect his dick, because if I ever see him again, it'll be my dick." She went on, "If he likes pussy so much, I'll clear him some space for one of his own, if I ever see that cock again."
From then on, Mom never brought up Dad. If somebody asked about him, she would flatly reply, "He's dead." Then she would cheerily ask about their spouses or kids or whatever. Everybody got the point. What I knew was Mom was angry and I was an only child bastard.
Once, I woke up from a nap I hadn't planned on taking to find out I was an uneducated bum who would never make anything of himself. In a pitch so high I could barely understand her, Mom was screaming about how could I waste her money like this? She worked so hard, and what thanks did I give? "This," she screamed, "is the thanks I get." Mom was waving around an envelope. An envelope containing a letter saying, "Due to your GPA this past semester of..." A letter saying, "...we regret to inform you that you are no longer enrolled as a student here at the University of..."
Mom threw the envelope, letter and all, at me and stormed out of the room. Sitting there, still asleep, on the couch I saw the pattern. Bad things happen when I unintentionally fall asleep. If I go to bed after brushing my teeth and stripping down to my boxers, everything is fine. If I need a nap and go to my bedroom for a quick lie down, all is safe. But if I fall asleep on the couch watching TV, watch out. If I'm reading a book and nod off, beware.
If I fall asleep by accident, everything dies. My sister. My parents' marriage. My future. If I fall asleep when I don't mean to, I wake up an only child, a bastard, a nothing, and who knows what else.