us before them
title: us before them PART TWO
pairing: suchen
rating: r
genre: slice of life, romance, friendship
summary: junmyeon laughs a million years after the punchline.
Luhan eyes him suspiciously as he opens the door to the M’s dormitory. Honestly, the rooming has been mixed ever since M came back from China, but it’s out of habit that he calls it that way. Luhan tilts his head. Junmyeon pats his shoulder. He thinks Luhan is growing taller. “Seok’s in his room,” Luhan says.
Junmyeon thanks him quietly and he ignores Luhan’s lingering eyes as it follows Junmyeon into the living room. He hears clutters in the kitchen and it will be a lost cost if he runs into the person who motivated his trip here.
He moves quickly, almost bumping into Jongin who gives him an inquiring look but nonetheless let him through without questions. It’s normal for the kids to rotate back and forth within the dorms when they’re bored but Junmyeon has only ever come unless necessary.
“Knew you would come.”
Minseok is drowning in the electric blanket he had con their manager into buying last week, a book propped up on his knees. It’s a book Junmyeon recognizes because Minseok carries it around and re-reads it a million times “to practice my English” (“But you should be practicing your Chine-” “I have Luhan for that.” “Nevermind then…”)
“Battle Royale again? Not enough of Kawada yet? I think Luhan ought to worry by now…” Junmyeon greets, he smiles to take off the blow. Minseok never really minds but Junmyeon actually likes him a lot so he puts in extra effort not to hurt the elder.
“Kawada is only ever hot in the movie,” Minseok scoffs, closing the book without so much as bookmarking it. Junmyeon doubts a little about his addiction over the book although he knows Minseok wouldn’t even kill a cockroach. “And knows Luhan enough not to be; that big baby. Plus, although Kawada is an interesting character, I’m more interested in learning about Sakamotchi’s character. It’s interesting how different someone can become fr-”
“Hyung, honestly,” Junmyeon cuts in. He still thinks Minseok is cute with his eyebrows furrowed up. “I don’t really care.”
Minseok hisses, but he’s not offended, Junmyeon knows. He slips from under his covers and stands in front of Junmyeon. “So, your concern?”
Junmyeon worries at his teeth. He’s not literate when talking about his feelings. Minseok pokes his cheeks out of habit. (It’s unfair, he thinks, because Minseok has softer, rounder cheeks.) “Is it about your rooming?”
Jongdae has been swapped with Kyungsoo yesterday. Its part of the management’s bonding “action plan”. Kyungsoo’s now rooming with Luhan and Sehun. Luhan, he knows, is not taking it well too. Minseok’s room is the largest, so he has Baekyun, Chanyeol and Zitao.
Junmyeon has the better bargain, really. He has shared a room with Jongin and Jongdae before. They’re both cleaner than he is, even though he was never really the neat type.
“If it really bothers you,” Minseok says, grabbing Junmyeon’s arms lightly. “I can talk to our manager. Really Junmyeon, I don’t want this to affect you. It’s been more than a year and you guys are still not comfortable moving around each other. We’re collaborating for the next comeback, Junmyeon.”
“I-I…I just,” Junmyeon sighs. He really likes the hugs Minseok gives. It’s so warm and familiar. “I just want to know how to stop this?”
It comes out as a question instead. Minseok gets confused. He doesn’t blame him. “Stop what?”
“I want to know how to…stop feeling like this? Feeling so scared all the time that people might find out?”
Luhan and Minseok have been playing around each other since pre-debut, but they’re comfortable in their own skin so the members only ever teases playfully. Luhan and Minseok has always been bestfriends before anything.
It’s different with Junmyeon.
“I don’t understand, Junmyeon,” Minseok says. He pulls back to look at Junmyeon’s face. His voice is soft like he is coaxing Junmyeon.
“I slept with him.”
Minseok’s sharp intake of breath is loud in the big room. Junmyeon cannot meet his eyes. “Before debut…before he was introduced into our group,” Junmyeon struggles to talk. “I slept with him.”
Junmyeon thinks Minseok has always suspected but it’s the only card Junmyeon has and Junmyeon has never played it before. He has it on the table for Minseok to see now. He waits for the counter attack.
“Myeon…”
“Hyung, I just…don’t know why I’m so scared all the time,” Junmyeon says. “I want to stop feeling like this.”
“Hey, don’t be scared,” Minseok’s grip on his arms grow tight.
He’s a man, Junmyeon wants to say. He thinks Minseok gets it.
“Junmyeon, hey, hey, look at me,” Minseok prods. Junmyeon does. “You know the others won’t mind, right? I mean…I don’t know whether you guys know…but I’m sure all of you do? About Luhan and I…”
Junmyeon is in awe how Minseok can say it aloud so confidently, even though the tips of his ears go red.
“But hyung-” Junmyeon stammers, he is embarrassed that his eyes are watering. “I-I’m not ga- I’m not- it’s only him, hyung. I’m so scared.”
Junmyeon has gone through years of training, has been screamed at, has his dignity stepped over, has been ridiculed and cursed at before he has gotten his spot; before he earned the place where he is standing right now. Junmyeon has been so, so strong.
Minseok has no words to comfort someone like Junmyeon. He gathers the male into his arms. He cannot feel anything but sorry as he wipes the tears worth diamonds from the tip of Junmyeon’s glistening eyes.
“Oh, Myeon.”
:::
Junmyeon feels ridiculous when Minseok escorts him back to his room. Sehun gives him an odd look from the sofa even as he fights with Zitao for the remote control. The members are really just kids. They’re so cute.
Jongdae is inside and Junmyeon knows Jongin is playing with Baekhyun in the other dormitory. Before he can make a conscious decision, Minseok pushes him inside and slams the door close. He doesn’t give Junmyeon a chance to be a coward. It’s funny, the things Junmyeon is not afraid to do and the things Junmyeon is afraid of. He can sing in front of a hundred thousands of fans but is always afraid to sit down to talk about his feelings with the people he cares about.
Junmyeon’s eyes are fixed on the close door. The room is a hundred times hotter than it usually is. Junmyeon wonders if the furnace is not working properly. He should remember to ask his manager to check up on it tomorrow.
“Why won’t you look at me?”
He spins. Nervousness bubbles furiously, threatening to spill off his throat. He settles his eyes on Jongdae’s neck. He remembers biting them. He’d want to bite them again, if Jongdae allows him to. He just needs to know how to stop feeling so afraid of what other people thinks of him. It’s even more uncontrollable as an idol.
Even angels have limits, Junmyeon guesses. He doesn’t resist as Jongdae cups his face with a little more force than necessary. Their breath mingles. It’s been a long time, but it still feels so familiar. “Look at me,” Jongdae almost whines, desperation at the tip of his tongue.
“Don’t make me,” Junmyeon whispers. He’s so scared. He doesn’t know what’s in his eyes, whether they can be read easily. “Please.”
“What are you so afraid of?”
Minseok asked him the same question twenty minutes ago. Twenty minutes later, and he still doesn’t know.
“Don’t.”
“I’m not letting you get away, you know that right?”
“Let me go, I beg you.”
“Why?” Jongdae is relentless. Junmyeon doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing. “Why should I?”
:::
Junmyeon rubs his face. The muscles on his back are giving him trouble nowadays, but in comparison to Jongin’s waist injury, it’s really nothing. He really should check up on Jongin privately. Maybe tomorrow, or next week?
The comeback is over, and even though it wasn’t as successful as their last one, Junmyeon gives it an A because the members had fun. It’s always nice to perform together.
from seunghwan hyung: «Tomorrow, 8am. Bring Baekhyun.»
The crick on his neck is more painful. He knows Yixing has a muscle relaxer, he’ll ask for it as soon as he reaches the dorm. He knows it’s not Baekhyun’s fault. The kid has had a hard time trying to prove that he isn’t one, Junmyeon doesn’t want to fault him for this as well.
It’s past ten at night when he returns. He heads to the other dorm, and knocks softly. He hopes Yixing is still awake.
The door opens and it’s Baekhyun.
“Hey, B-”
Suddenly Baekhyun is pulling him inside, he’s suddenly holding Junmyeon’s hands and it’s tight and Junmyeon is very confused. “Baek?”
“I’m sorry. I know it’s too early, and we just had our concert and I told noona that maybe we can wait, but you know noona? She’s been very sad lately, and I really don’t like to see her sad, and I was just too happy that I could keep her grounded and noona is so beautiful you know? When she smiles, she’s so-” it’s all word vomit and Junmyeon is barely catching up. He pulls Baekhyun into his arms. He doesn’t realize how scary it must have also been for Baekhyun. The younger one is trembling.
“It’s okay, Baekhyun,” Junmyeon whispers, hands moving in soothing circles on his back. “Hyung’s not angry.”
“But you’ve worked so hard,” Baekhyun is still trembling. Junmyeon doesn’t want him to be scared. Junmyeon wants him to know that he has ten other brothers ready to fight for him as much as he is always ready to fight for them.
Junmyeon’s neck is wet with Baekhyun’s head buried in them. “EXO means a lot to me, hyung. I hope you know that. I know I didn’t train even half as long as you did…I’m not trying to jeopardize our team just for the sake of my own happiness. I’m sorry you have to deal with the mess I created, hyung.”
Baekhyun has liked Taeyeon for a long time. Junmyeon wasn’t prepared for them to publicize it just yet, but he really isn’t angry. He’s just surprised and really tired. Minseok’s been drinking health tonic from Canada, he should ask about it. Luhan and Yixing have been flying back and forth within China and Korea and they’re not as tired as he is. It can’t be the age…
He hears shuffling and Jongdae pops up from behind the wall. He’s probably here for Baekhyun, they’re bestfriends. Junmyeon meets his eyes and Jongdae is looking at him warily. He doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t understand a lot of things nowadays.
Junmyeon tears his eyes away from Jongdae’s and pulls Baekhyun out of his arms. His neck really does hurt. “Baekhyun-ah, look at hyung,” he says. “Baekhyun, stop crying. I believe you. I believe in you, okay? I know what Taeyeon noona means to you. I respect that. It’s going to be a little hard for a while right now, but hyung’s not mad at you. We’re going to get through this, Baekhyun. Together.”
It’s just another scandal. EXO has been the center of many in just two years, but Baekhyun must have been scared. He joined the latest with Jongdae, and Jongdae’s reputation is squeaky clean. His has never been clean from the start, with his loud voice and even louder humor.
“You’re not going anywhere. We’re not letting you go anywhere, you know that right?” Junmyeon assures him, hands grabbing Baekhyun’s shoulders and looking straight into his eyes. “EXO is going to go on for a long time, Baekhyun. Something like this won’t affect us.”
He puts Baekhyun to bed with a lot of coaxing. He still has to deal with the board tomorrow. He has faith though. Taeyeon’s going to be there too. Maybe Baekhyun will pull through better with her by his side.
Junmyeon enters his room and blinks at the bright light. He saw Jongin sprawled by the television outside in between Sehun and Zitao. “Sorry,” Jongdae says, tapping the light switch off. “I was looking for my charger. I think Luhan ge borrowed it…”
“You need mine?” Junmyeon asks. “I have it somewhere…you’re using Galaxy S4, right?”
“No, I changed to a 5C. It’s okay, I’ll just borrow Tao’s tomorrow,” Jongdae shrugs. He kicks off his covers as Junmyeon settles into his, without changing his clothes. Junmyeon is exhausted.
“Jongdae?”
“Shhh,” Jongdae says. He pulls Junmyeon up and settles cross legged with his back against the wall. On Junmyeon’s bed. This is the first time in a while they’ve been this close.“Lie down.”
On other days, Junmyeon would protest but he only has a few hours more to get some rest so he flops down, head lying on Jongdae’s lap. Jongdae shifts into a more comfortable position and his hand automatically finds Junmyeon’s neck.
Junmyeon’s skin is sticky from being outside for too long, but Jongdae’s fingers relax into them, unknotting his muscles. His other hand combs through the wild mess of Junmyeon’s hair. It feels really nice.
“Thank you,” Junmyeon whispers. He thinks Jongdae says you’re welcome but he’s already asleep before he is sure.
:::
“Why do you keep calling me?” he growls and crosses his arms to emphasize it. It doesn’t really work.
The boy looks confused. “I told you I’d call.”
“I didn’t say you could.”
“You didn’t say I couldn’t.”
His eyebrows crunch up. He looks at the boy’s hair, styled messily with too much gel, looks at the pair of neon colored shoe by the door and looks at the sweater stuffed in the boy’s back pack with his school name printed across the front. His brother had one, when he went to university. He doesn’t ask the question he knows he should.
“Do you want to know?”
He stares. “No.” The boy knows his weaknesses, he’s not happy about it.
“Why?”
“Are you being serious?” he snaps. “Do you even reali- do you even kn-”
The boy watches as he struggles with his words; it is something he had expected to happen. “You can’t give me a valid reason.”
He thinks it over, tries rephrasing the words in his head and tries searching for another approach. His brain is being stubborn. He should have finished school.
If the he can’t leave, the boy has to. This shouldn’t continue. “We don’t know each other.”
“That is one of the dumbest thing I’ve heard you said,” the boy scoffed.
“Fucker,” he hisses between his lips. The boy hears him anyway. He smiles.
“Come here,” he says softly, tapping his laps. He looks so warm and inviting and Junmyeon has been practicing like crazy these days and all he wants is to be taken care of. The red danger sign goes off above him, but somehow it explodes into pretty colorful fireworks. This is so wrong yet so right.
He reaches out his hands reluctantly and the boy pulls him close. Their breath mingles as he settles himself onto the boy’s laps. He forgets about making the boy leave.
His resistance has crumbled.
“J-Jongdae.”
The scrawny teenage boy he picked up at the bar became Kim Jongdae, someone who has all the right buttons to make his heart race.
:::
He doesn’t know what’s happening. One minute they were barely talking as Jongdae flew off to China, the next, they are finding each other on Jongdae’s bed a day before Chuseoks.
Jongin had took one long look at them sitting across each other and staring, rolled his eyes and locked the door behind him as he left. “Sort your shit out,” he says. Junmyeon briefly reminds himself of that talk he needs to have with Baekhyun about using colorful words around the house.
Then Jongdae was pushing him slowly back onto his bed and he had put up no fight. Jongdae’s hands grow confident with each button that he undoes on Junmyeon’s heavily ironed polo-t. Junmyeon cannot think beyond how lovely Jongdae looks with the moonlight dancing lightly on his face.
It’s only when Jongdae has his tongue deep inside Junmyeon’s throat and hand touching Junmyeon’s cock that Junmyeon’s vision begins to kick back in.
“We shouldn’t be doing this.”
Jongdae’s gentle laugh sends a small earthquake that tickles his ribs. It almost made him smile. “You said that before.”
He did, he really did. Why am I doing this again?
“Stop thinking,” Jongdae murmurs against his lips, hands rubbing the side of his naked hips. Stopping at each word with a kiss, he continues, “Feel me. Only me. Nothing else.”
His mind wants to stop, but his heart has always been too soft on Jongdae. It does feels nice to kiss Jongdae, feel his naked body mold into Junmyeon’s equally tiny one. Jongdae’s just the perfect size. Junmyeon’s heart feels so full.
Jongdae stops suddenly, propping himself up and tearing his lips away from Junmyeon’s. Junmyeon glares and he smiles sweetly. “You don’t think I’m too young anymore, do you?”
Junmyeon tucks his hand around Jongdae’s neck, watches how it still feels the same as it did four years ago. “I stole your virginity, didn’t I?” he whispers.
Their breath mingles. That feels nice too.
Jongdae smiles down lazily at him. “Honestly, hyung, I was nineteen,” he laughs. “You took it. I gave it to you.”
“How did you get in? You weren’t…”
“Of age?” It was an over twenty-one bar. Junmyeon had known and it didn’t stop him from picking Jongdae over the other guys who had been watching him like a hawk the whole night.
Junmyeon frowns. Then, there’s that laugh again; low and deep. Jongdae likes to laugh and Junmyeon likes that about him so much. He also likes how Jongdae can kiss away his frown and kiss a smile onto his lips.
He thinks he’s fine with being different if he gets to kiss Jongdae like this.
:::
No: 3429902 Name: SUHO Hits: 22450
Title: Is it okay?
People say it’s okay if we’re different. They tell me that life is short, that I need to be myself.
But is it really okay?
Is it really okay for me to show you who I am?
Do you love EXO’s Suho or do you love Kim Junmyeon? I always wonder…
· Guardian Angel, Suho.
:::
“You’re running away again.”
Junmyeon’s eyes are too sharp when he turns around and meet Jongdae’s. “I have nothing to run away from,” he fights back, just as strongly.
“Really?” Jongdae laughs. It isn’t his usual laugh. It doesn’t unknot the heaviness at the bottom of Junmyeon’s stomach. Junmyeon works too hard for the things he wants and is always all too afraid of it being snatched away.
“Really.”
“You’re impossible,” Jongdae isn’t shouting, but Junmyeon prefers him to. His voice is too loud; resounding in Junmyeon’s broken heart. Junmyeon has only ever broken his own heart; he doesn’t deserve to feel the pain.
Junmyeon feels like crying. “Don’t…don’t…don’t be angry at me, please.”
“Then don’t fucking run away from me,” Jongdae snarls. He’s taking deep breaths - one, two, three, four. Junmyeon watches as he struggles to keep his voice steady. It pains Junmyeon more than it should.
“Hyung,” Jongdae starts. It stabs Junmyeon’s heart out because it feels like Jongdae has ripped out his own heart and is begging Junmyeon to take it. Junmyeon is an idiot. “Hyung, please don’t break us apart.”
“Us?”
Us. It sounds so tempting.
“Stop denying it already,” Jongdae begs. It’s not pretty. But his eyes are, even as he tears up at Junmyeon. “I’m tired of denying it already. You’re in love with me, hyung.”
“I’m not.”
Junmyeon wonders if Jongdae is putting in effort not to let the hurt show in his eyes or if it is just such a blatant lie that it doesn't really work on Jongdae. He doesn’t know why he bothers saying it. “I love you too, hyung,” Jongdae says, his jab ignored. “Please stop denying us. It really hurts.”
“J-” Junmyeon pauses, unable to say it.
“Say it, hyung. Say it,” Jongdae says. “Whatever you want to say, don’t be afraid to say it, because you know? To the people who really matters, it won’t matter what it is. Just as long as you’re honest.”
Taking a small breath, he grits his teeth. “It’s not going to be easy, Jongdae.”
Jongdae’s smile doesn’t last for long. It drops the second after it curls up and Junmyeon is left just a little breathless trying to keep up with all the emotions Jongdae is making him feel.
“I didn’t say it was going to be easy,” Jongdae says. “Who told you it was going to be easy?”
Junmyeon stares. Nobody did.
“Have you been listening to me, hyung?” Jongdae moans, hands firm on either side of Junmyeon’s shoulders. He gives Junmyeon a small shake. “Look at me, hyung. Look at me.”
“I am looking at you,” Junmyeon retorts.
“Your eyes are on me but you’re not seeing me,” Jongdae shakes his head. “You’re seeing them. You’re seeing people that are not here, things that are not here; things that make you afraid. Look at me and see me, hyung.”
“Jongd-”
“It’s not going to be easy, I promise you,” Jongdae mutters. His eyes are so red. They have a photoshoot for the upcoming mini-album tomorrow. Junmyeon hopes Minseok still has his eye drops he always keeps in his backpack. “We’re going to get hurt. There will be people who wouldn’t care, wouldn’t bother understanding. There will be. But I’m telling you that I’m willing to go through that.”
Junmyeon has crescent eyes; it looks like two half moons when he smiles. They’re shining brighter than any full moon right now.
Jongdae has his eyes closed. Junmyeon wonders why they can only have these talks when the sun is already down. He wants to see Jongdae when the sun is up, wants to see him shine under all the bright lights without being Chen. Jongdae has always been so brave. Junmyeon is so proud of him.
He has laid everything - all his cards and his entire heart has been spilt open.
It’s in fascination that Junmyeon looks at his fingers rising on its own accord, wiping the crystals leaking out from the tips of Jongdae’s eyes. His palms fit the crook of Jongdae’s jaws perfectly. Huh.
He sighs, relaxing his shoulders. He really thinks it’s the age. Minseok and Luhan has been having back aches too.
There have been too many questions, too many worries, too many answers he has yet to give. He has finally found a way to answer them all. He answers in a way he knows best.
He kisses Jongdae.
:::
They don’t come out only after Junmyeon’s fifty-five, where they don’t really matter much in the industry anymore. Jongdae’s a mentor in an Immortal Song spinoff show and Junmyeon’s CO-CEO of a new upcoming management company, J&J.
Still, there are many comments. It’s something Junmyeon has long learned to take in and make him stronger. His autobiography is due to come out next month, two days before Jongdae’s birthday. Maybe he should send an autographed copy to the EXO members. He knows Luhan and Minseok are doing well in Beijing. He saw the news a week ago that their company is the top grossing company of last year. Junmyeon considers collaborating once his company is stable.
Baekhyun and Taeyeon’s daughter is already a child star of many commercials. They must be proud.
from j♥: «no olives?» his kkt dings loudly. Jongdae hates the ringtone but Junmyeon enjoys it when Jongdae squirms at his phone, frowning. It’s pizza night. Junmyeon smiles.
to j♥: «and extra cheese.»