Journal entry from 5-10-07
I was doing some thinking a couple weeks ago while I was at home, and really trying to figure out why some of my friendships have been sucking lately, and I think I figured it out. I wrote this in my regular journal while I was home....I'm not sure how scientifically accurate it is, and it may sound incredibly emo, but it's how I feel and what I think. Brace yourselves kids.
There is a bitterness inside of me that threatens to consume me. Its insidious tentacles have been spreading, quietly, without warning, silently poisoning. This bitterness has fed off of excuses, gossips, important "talks" with those closest to me, in which I justify my bitterness. Talks that solved nothing, answered no questions. Talks that simply served to add fuel to the fire that simmered. Oh, how clever I was to disguise it. The world looked at me and saw a composed facade. "How kind you are, how hospitable and giving." " You are truly a great friend." While I do love my friends and caring for people, there were times when I did not give of a thankful heart. I gave out of a begrudging obligation, out of my ever-pervasive commitment to idle promises. There are times when a flash of anger will burst from deep within me, and it is all I can take not to allow the red-hot fury consume everyone around me. The anger subsides, for a time,and slowly builds and gains strength until one day, I fear, it will be completely uncontrollable.
How much is too much? To what extent does one keep putting forth an effort in a friendship that seems like a farce? Is there really an obligation to maintain a friendship when one heart is too damaged and the other too selfish? What does being a true friend mean then? Does it mean to ignore every natural instinct inclining towards retreat and self-preservation? Or does the damaged heart make itself vulnerable again, knowing there has otherwise been no change? Or is this simply an exercise designed to make the heart stronger, more patient, more understanding and full of compassion?
Bitterness, anger, gossip, vengeful thoughts, pride...these are the sins which blacken my heart. These are the stealthy culprits who endeavor to sully my friendships with their muck and mire, tarnish my optimism, dull the joy which can be found in every corner of life. Continuing on this path would only lead to cynicism, bleakness. Yet it is so difficult not to slip into that oft-trod road of justification, of self-righteousness. So easy to allow hurt to transform into bitterness, even hatred. Even the attempts at regaining friendship are only half-hearted, impeded by the shackles of this grudge Who among us has never wronged anyone? No one. None except Jesus can claim that, and yet we still place ourselves on a lofty pedestal, proclaiming our justifications to the world. Petty foolishness. Forgiveness must be a sincere, heartfelt effort. But this is not a solitary event. There is no finality to forgiveness. It must be repeated, every instance of every bitter or angry thought. Every interaction with an offensive character must be accompanied by grace and forgiveness. We give this grace and forgiveness not because we are so much more worthy or have any inherited right to bestow upon others this gift. We give it because we, as lowly, humble sinners, so adept at masking our own shortcomings, have been given this gift, this magnamimous gift. There is a weariness that accompanies forgiveness certainly. Impatience at times walks side by side with forgiveness.
But always there is forgiveness.
Always there is redemption.
It cannot be force, it cannot be manipulated. At times, where there is forgiveness, there will not be reconciliation. The ability to forgive is not innate- the tendency to keep record is. The hurt may be too great, the scars still too fresh for reconciliation. Time does not heal all wounds. Memories leave marks that have a haunting permanence about them, threatening any attempt made at complete reconciliation. Ultimately, responsibility for forgiveness, for reconciliation lies with me. True, heartfelt forgiveness and reconciliation can only begin when the decision has been made to finally let go. Let go of the burdens, of the weight, of the words hurled in anger. Let go of the manipulation, the deception, the hurt.
I'm letting go.