120 BPM
Pairing: SakumotoLength: 4,686 words
Rating: G
Genre: Drama, Angst
Summary: Unit songs are hard to write especially if you're Sakurai Sho and Matsumoto Jun
A/N: A lot of research went into this fic and I know I didn't write it well enough but I just really want to get it over with as I've been playing around with this idea for a year now. I'm tired. lol. More explanations at the footnote, it's gonna be wordy! For now, please enjoy.
“Do you like me?”
A pair of eager eyes fell upon him. “Yes, I like you a lot.”
“You’re lying.” He scoffed, challengingly.
“Just fix the hair around your big forehead and I’m going to like you more.” An amused chuckle came from the other, a teasing lilt in his voice.
“You’re one to talk, Buckteeth.” He said, turning and walking away only to be stopped as he felt the other person cling to him like he normally does.
“But you’re still my precious Sho-kun.” The younger giggled, hugging Sho from behind and not letting him go.
Sho smiled to himself, happy and contented.
-
In the silence of his apartment, only a metronome’s beat is heard. Sho was deep in thought, thinking about the Line message he sent two days prior-a message he wanted to avoid but had to make for the sake of album content.
Just spoke with the composer. He suggested that we work on the song together. Do you have time to meet? - Sho
They were in the midst of finalizing their album and unit songs had been decided. He wasn’t even surprised when the staff had chosen an unlikely pair for a duet-they needed to capitalize on “ShoJun”, with all the rave about him and Jun not getting along, the public was eating it up. It was torture.
Sho sighed in exhaustion as he found himself opening the door of his apartment for Jun who he invited over to write the song with him. They had met at the studio the previous nights but they soon figured out that Sho was most comfortable in writing his lyrics when he’s at home and thus, their current predicament.
“Sorry, you had to come over for this.” Sho immediately said, letting Jun in and busying himself with anything to offer his band mate.
“Not a big deal, Nino and Aiba’s working on theirs right now too. I guess it’s only us 4 that’s having a hard time.” Jun kept the conversation going as he sat down on the floor of the living room. “Riida’s a lucky man-all his unit songs were already written for him.” He laughed, taking his phone out.
Sho laughed along with him-well, Ohno’s a lucky man indeed, in more ways than one. “I guess duo songs are Yamanotesen vs. Soubusen, huh?” Sho jested in good faith. “Isn’t this one a race against who can finish their song first?” He chuckled.
-
“Sho-kun! Sho-kun! Hurry! We’re gonna get left behind!”
Sho ran with his might, followed by two others who were frantically running behind him, trying their best to match pace with the youngest in the group.
“MatsuJun, you need to get your energy in control.” Sho panted, hands on his knees as he finally reached the train station. “They’re not even going the same way as us.” He added, looking behind him. “Tackey-kun, Ohno-san, you guys okay?”
Tackey and Ohno panted, tired after running from the company to the train station. “I don’t get who started this Yamanotesen vs. Soubusen teams, I don’t like it.” Tackey commented, leaning onto Sho for dear life while Ohno just casually stood there, catching his own breath.
“It’s Aiba-kun.” Jun said. “I wonder if we made it here first? We should’ve, Nino and YamaP doesn’t like racing.” Jun excitedly asked, his tension still up in the air. Sho just shook his head in disbelief, rubbing Tackey’s back as he supported him.
“Can you believe this guy is an elite?” Sho muttered under his breath towards Tackey.
“Come on now, don’t start.” Tackey laughed. Sho shut his mouth, knowing that Tackey was a Johnny’s elite too.
“Yamanotesen wins again! Or, well, we’ll know tomorrow.” Jun laughed, making his way to Sho and clinging to him like he always does. Tackey took a step back, letting Jun have his time while Sho looked apologetic. Sho watched as the younger got hyped up-he was the only kid he knew who loved going back to work at the company.
“Alright, let’s get you home. You still need to study or your mom’s going to kill me.” Sho stated, dragging Jun with him towards the train station.
-
If this was a movie, Sho would’ve heard an electricity crackle as the tension became heavy and the air around them thickened. Bad joke. They just started and the silence that followed was almost enough to get Sho to call the entire thing off and just let Jun go home.
Instead, Sho cleared his throat. “Would you like anything to drink, MatsuJun?” He asked to clear the air. It took a while before Jun answered with a simple, “I’m good with beer please.” Sho nodded and got them some beer.
He placed it on the living room table and sat down on the floor as well, adjacent to Jun, the younger man muttering a soft “thanks”. They opened their cans and had a toast. Sho got his pen and notebook out, ready to jot down anything that came to their minds in this unlikely meeting.
It was Jun’s turn to clear his throat. “Is this our beat?” Turning his head towards the ticking metronome. Sho nodded, tapping on his notebook in sync with the beat. “Quite fast, huh.” Jun observed, bobbing his head to it.
“120 beats per minute. Do you have a beat preference?” Sho asked tentatively, though Jun immediately shook his head. “Okay then, so about the song. The first two I did was rejected, he told me it lacked emotion.” Sho finally shared, offering his notebook full of scribbles in it.
Jun put on his glasses and studied the notes intently, nodding here and there. “It…seems stiff.”
“He said that too. So, he told me to consult you. His words were a bad pun; ‘it’s a duet for a reason. ‘Do it’ together’.” Sho repeated with an eyeroll. Jun chuckled.
“Man, I can’t even remember the last time we were in a unit together.” Jun casually said, forehead forming a frown as he thought on it.
But Sho remembered, he remembered everything that happened in 2002 and the reason why it was the last time they performed as a unit together. He let out a chuckle to avoid another memory, instead, he said,
“So then, what would you like this song to be?”
Songs weren’t done overnight and that included theirs. It was 3am on the 3rd week and still, they sat on the floor, writing. They wanted the song to have a familiar feeling so their sessions involved a lot of trips down the memory lane which included Arashi anniversaries amongst other things.
Sho knew that Jun was almost reaching his limit-the man didn’t have the patience to write songs and was admittedly not good with words. He watched amusedly as Jun finally frowned, groaned and threw away his pen towards the other end of the room, massaging the bridge of his nose under his glasses.
“Old habits die hard.” Sho commented with a small laugh at Jun’s childish fit.
“What?” Jun snapped, too irritated to even talk. Sho stood up and got the pen back, handing it over to Jun with a knowing look. “Oh, that.” Jun understood that Sho was talking about his spoiled brat tendencies.
Sho shook his head in amusement, sitting back down again. “It’s like I’m watching you study for an exam again.” He said and again, like a few days before, it was met with deafening silence.
-
Another pen flew right across the room as Jun had a fit again as they were studying for the exams. Sho shook his head, standing up to get the discarded pen and slamming it down on the table in front of his student.
“Don’t be such a brat. Come on, I’m helping you here.” Sho reprimanded him. “I know you didn’t want to go to high school but you’re already here, so might as well try hard and graduate.” He said, tapping Jun’s head with the notebook.
Jun dropped his head on the table and groaned. “You know this is unfair, right?” He muttered under his arms. Sho watched as Jun revealed his face to the side but not sitting upright from the table. “You know that I like you too much that I won’t be able to resist your bullying.”
Sho rolled his eyes. “That’s not my problem. Now come on, finish this question. I won’t let you near me if you don’t graduate.” He said, letting the confession slide. But he was surprised when he received a quick peck on the cheek from the younger.
“Wait and see, Sho-kun. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Jun laughed and winked as he got back to studying. Sho had to smile a little at that, this kid was really growing on him.
-
He really needed to stop with the unnecessary comments. “Sorry.” Sho bit his lip, the air turning awkward.
It was Jun’s turn to shake his head. “It’s fine. Anyway, it’s late. I guess we should do this some other time.” He said, getting up and not even letting Sho have a word about it.
“No, wait.” Sho started to say but Jun had already made up his mind, got his things and left wordlessly, leaving Sho alone in his apartment in bad taste.
--
Once again, his lyrics were rejected with a “you’re distracted, Sakurai-kun”. Their composer/lyricist was just too good. God damn it. Sho knew that he was distracted and that his lyrics were subpar-he had history with Jun and it showed.
Are you free? Sorry but it got rejected again, we’ll need to rewrite. - Sho
“Scrap again huh?” Jun started, showing up at Sho’s apartment and plopping down on the floor like usual. Sho did the same after getting a few cans of beer from the fridge again. “I wonder what we’re doing wrong? I think Soubu-” He paused, catching himself off guard.
Sho’s heart stopped, surprised that Jun got too relaxed that he almost mentioned something so familiar-something off limits for the both of them. The metronome filled in the gaps of silence between them. A flicker of hope ignited in Sho’s heart and it started picking up pace.
He forced out a laugh. “You almost said Soubusen.” Sho responded, knowing that he was pushing it. Sho watched as Jun practically glared at him. “Anyway, we need ideas.”
“Yeah, let’s get on it.”
A few hours into the writing session and both of them had finished an unhealthy amount of beers. Jun tapped his chin with the pen. “I’m not a lyricist.” He hung his head, opening a new can and drinking from it. “What do you want to write about, Sho-kun?” Jun asked, face red from the alcohol.
Sho-kun. Sho felt like his sanity was slowly slipping away from his grasp and he unconsciously smiled at that. It’s the first time in a long time since Jun had said his first name. What did he want to write about? Right now, only one thing came to his mind.
“MatsuJun.” Sho simply responded, dilated eyes focused on the man in front of him. He watched as the younger turned to look back at him.
“What?” Jun asked, unperturbed. “To be honest, I don’t think you need me here at all for this.” He added with a tone of finality. “I’m not a lyricist.” Jun repeated, putting his pen down.
Sho shook his head in response which was a bad decision as it made everything around him swirl. “No, I do. I do need you here.” He replied, his own voice sounded confused even to him.
It was Jun’s turn to shake his head, fixing his things and getting ready to leave. “I think you really don’t. Or maybe we can reschedule when we’re a little bit more sober.” He suggested, getting up and holding his forehead as if it hurt.
Before he knew it, Sho found himself standing up and grabbing onto Jun’s arm, not allowing him to leave. Jun froze on the spot as he listened to the words that came pouring out of Sho’s lips.
“I need you.”
It seemed like he was listening to his own heartbeat that was in sync with the metronome and it felt like it would burst out anytime from his chest. He closed the gap between them and allowed himself to lose control, holding Jun in his arms like he had always wanted.
Only three words came after that.
“Let me go.”
And those three words broke Sho again. It reminded him of the day everything went to hell for him. 2002.
-
“Good morning.”
Only the two of them arrived early for the meeting and per usual, Sho was expecting a huge burst of energy from his bumbling ball of Matsumoto Jun. But there was a pause and the normal response did not come. Curious, Sho watched as Jun sat down three seats away from him.
“Are you feeling okay, Jun-kun?” He asked worriedly.
His probing had to be cut off when the other members and staff came pouring in one by one. Although, he couldn’t help but notice how quiet Jun was throughout the day. Sho waited until their activities ended and everyone were gone before cornering the younger.
“Hey,” Sho reached out, grabbing Jun’s wrist and not allowing him to leave. “What’s wrong?” He asked.
Three words.
“Let me go.”
Jun’s words were laced with hate and was cold as ice but Sho stood his ground, not accepting this new character that Jun was coming up with.
“No. Tell me what’s wrong.” Sho insisted, his heart hammering in his chest. He didn’t know what happened, it wasn’t long ago when they were all happy what with Jun’s recent graduation. He was even there to see him off and welcome him home. “Are you angry?”
The look that Jun gave him was what finally did Sho in, noticing that Jun was fighting back tears. Sho immediately dropped his hold on the younger, his heart dropping along with it. And he knew what happened, he knew what he found out.
“How long, Sho-kun?” Jun asked, tears threatening to fall. “How long has it been?”
Sho could also feel tears starting to prick his eyes, it felt like his heart had permanently taken refuge in his stomach. He didn’t have the courage to answer the question.
“Did you enjoy collecting elites?” Jun continued, hands balled up into a fist. “You’ve always liked getting all the nice things.”
“No, that’s not… Jun-kun, please.”
“Please what! How long were you playing with me while being with Tackey?!”
Sakurai Sho entered Johnny’s in October of 1995. He was young but he knew instantly that he was drawn into the professionalism of a senior, Takizawa Hideaki. Surprisingly, the attraction was finally reciprocated 4 years later-right before he debuted in Arashi. He would’ve been contented and happy but someone who shone as brightly as Tackey appeared in front him.
Matsumoto Jun happened.
He was a kid in Sho’s eyes, a child one year younger than him but seemed to need guidance. Jun joined Johnny’s a year after he did and once they debuted in the same group, that little boy started clinging to him like leech-going home together, tutoring, confessing his ‘love’ at every chance he gets. He became “my precious Sho-kun” for a boy named Matsumoto Jun.
He didn’t know when it happened but Jun slowly grew on him, having someone who depended on him was something that Sho knew he loved. It was a conscious and selfish decision at such a young age to not let go of them both-Tackey was someone he pursued, Jun was someone who pursued him.
And it never occurred to his young, naïve mind that it will be a problem, Tackey adored Jun as much as the next person and Jun respected Tackey as a senior. They had a good balance and Sho didn’t want to ruin it.
He remembered weeks prior, the day it all started to go downhill was after Jun’s graduation. News finally reached Tackey and Sho was sought out to face the music. He expected an onslaught of hurtful words but what he didn’t expect was the mature words that came from Tackey: “That kid is fragile and this is going to hurt him. Jun-kun doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this, Sho-kun. We both doesn’t deserve this.”
And now, he’s paying for the price of his selfishness.
“How long, Sho-kun?” Jun repeated his question, quietly this time and with the way his voice trembled, Sho knew that he was finally crying. He had always been that boy who cries easily.
And right now, no matter how much it will hurt, he deserved the truth. Just like Tackey did. Sho took a deep breath to calm his heart which had started to beat madly in his chest.
“3 years.” He murmured, ashamed of himself.
Jun let out a trembling breath out of anger and disappointment as he did the math. They started going out 3 years ago. “Then it was never just me.” He said. “It had always been Tackey-kun first.” Jun resigned, stepping back.
Seeing Jun distance himself from him made Sho’s body act on its own accord, reaching out again, afraid to be left alone.
“Jun-kun, please-”
“I don’t understand.” Jun said, voice breaking as he spoke. “I would have backed off if you told me.” He continued. “Why couldn’t you have just let me go?” He ended, angrily wiping his tears away.
Sho shook his head once more, his heart breaking to pieces as he watched another precious person be broken in front of him. He did this. “I couldn’t. I need you.”
It was Jun’s turn to shake his head in response. “3 years is a long time to play this game, Sakurai-san. So please,” Jun looked down at the hand that was grasping his wrist and pried his arm away. “Let me go.”
With the finality of his tone and the hate lacing his voice, Sho couldn’t bring himself to fight back. He knew he deserved this. He could always blame himself for being young and naïve but he knew he had it coming. What was difficult is that he had to deal with it for as long as possible, being in the same group as the one he wronged.
-
It had never been the same after that. They both had several partners as the years went on, having an unspoken rule of being out of each other’s business as their relationship never went beyond being just co-workers. Though in that moment, it was almost unbearable trying to write a song based on memories but avoiding the taboo topic of their history.
But it was inevitable-they both knew it was going to come up, they were just a beat away from an emotional explosion that had been years in the making.
“You know the rules, Sakurai-kun.” Jun said darkly, voice voided of warmth, pushing Sho away but the other still held onto his arm. “Don’t start.” He said, removing Sho’s hold. “I’m leaving.”
“I’m sorry, Jun-kun.” Sho blurted out which made Jun pause by the door. Finally, Jun slowly turned around to face him. And as Sho stared back at Jun’s eyes, he saw something there that he’s never seen before. It was at that moment, he realized something that he should’ve done 15 years ago.
The silence was unbearable but Sho didn’t break eye-contact, watching as Jun’s eyes slowly filled with tears. “15 years, Sakurai-kun.”
“I’m sorry.” Sho repeated in a whisper, reaching out to hold Jun’s hand again, gentler this time and was glad when the touch wasn’t rejected by the latter.
“It took you 15 years to get that one out.” Jun responded, blinking back the tears in his eyes.
It was an old wound that never healed and now he realized why.
He never apologized.
After that fateful day, Jun started distancing himself from Sho. It took a while for him to get used to it but eventually, they fell into a routine, putting on a façade once the cameras started rolling and going their own ways once work is done for the day.
And Sho never apologized-not to Jun, not even to Tackey. He remembered that he apologized to Tackey 14 years after the fact, during his rare guesting at Yakai the year prior where their issue was also brought up by the program.
At last he understood why Jun and Tackey were never awkward all these years and why he was the only one that drifted apart from the two. He was the only one who didn’t try to fix it, he only accepted his fate.
The silence was broken by Jun’s forced and shaky laugh. “As expected, we really can’t do this. It’s better if you write this on your own.” He said, taking his hand out of Sho’s grasp.
-
The composer read the title of his song aloud while listening to the demo. Sho waited with bated breath. “This is great! You’ve finally done it, Sakurai-kun!” Sho glanced at Jun who was on the other side of the couch, reading the lyrics silently on his own.
“Wouldn’t have done it without MatsuJun.” Sho said as a matter of fact. Jun looked up at him, jaw clenching from the underlying meaning of his words. Sho gave him a curt nod and left it at that.
At last, they got ready to work, Sho and Jun exchanging only the necessary words before beginning with the recording. The familiar beat of the metronome began and the song started.
I’ll let you be in a daze for 3 minutes
It’s good to not care about other things
Sho hoped it reached Jun, his rap lyrics is the only way he could get him to listen.
Forget everything for now
Don’t fuss and just come
It took them a few tries to perfect their parts and Sho was sure that they’ll be called again for polishing but as soon as they were done, Jun had left towards the green room and Sho still had to check the recording. He hastened and followed Jun before the man vanished again.
“MatsuJun!” He called out once he was in the green room and saw that Jun was almost walking out to leave. He was glad when the younger stopped and waited for him. “I…the song…” Sho started.
“Well, you got me in a daze for 3 minutes, I can tell you that.” Jun responded in a surprisingly friendly way. “You wrote about us.” He stated more than asked, finally crossing the line and discussing the taboo.
Sho nodded quietly. He felt like he said all the important things in his lyrics already and he’s run out of words.
“Come Back?” Jun asked simply. Sho nodded once again.
“Yes.” He responded.
Jun started making his way towards Sho and stopped a few feet away from him, lighting that flicker of hope in Sho’s heart. But the hope was extinguished in Jun’s next words.
“Things are not going to change, Sakurai-kun, I hope you know that.” Jun started, being brutally honest. “It’s 15 years too late for that.” Jun said in a voice so quiet, it was almost inaudible. “So please, let’s do everyone a favor and just play our parts.” He ended, looking back and giving Sho a sad smile before giving him a pat on the shoulder.
“I know.” Sho finally conceded, heart sinking to his stomach again. “I just wanted to apologize, again. For so many things.” He continued. “I’m sorry, Jun-kun.”
Jun gave him a quick nod. “Thank you.” He said, not quite saying “It’s okay” but at least accepting the apology. “Look how far we’ve come, right?” Jun jokingly said. “I’ll go ahead, I have someone waiting for me.”
Sho felt as empty as he did before, heart heavy from it all. He wanted to go after him and scream ‘come back’ but knew that he couldn’t. Not when he was so clearly rejected. It was the closure that Jun had wanted but he was right, it came 15 years too late.
It turns out that even though they were older, his mind had remained as young and naïve as before. Sho flopped down on the couch, staring at the nothingness and listening to the faint beat of their song.
At 120 beats per minute, he wrote the words he wanted to say to match the erratic beating of his heart. In a 3-minute song, he poured his heart out and said: “Come Back”.
-
Jun collapsed down face first on the couch upon arriving home, exhausted from the events that happened. He let out a deep sigh but was pulled out of his thoughts when a hot towel landed on the back of his neck.
“Thank you,” Jun said, muffled under the fabric of the couch. “Ohno-san.” He ended. Ohno didn’t respond but went on his business as usual. It’s what Jun loved about the man, he never asked questions and just waited for him to open up.
Jun sat up, looking at the older man who was busying himself trying to come up with choreography for their new song.
“Ohno-san?”
“Hm?”
“Can I hug you?”
Ohno shot him a rare smile as he nodded and walked over to Jun, sitting down next to him on the couch and accepting the hug from the younger.
“He wrote the song for me.” Jun recounted, knowing that he didn’t need to explain. He buried his face in Ohno’s neck, needing the comforting feeling that he provided. He felt Ohno’s hand making calming circles on his back. “And I finally got an apology.”
“That’s good then. It’s what you’ve been waiting for, isn’t it?” Ohno responded, genuinely happy. Ohno knew everything about them, he was part of the Yamanotesen team after all and was there to witness it all. Jun pulled back a little to look at Ohno intently.
“Are you angry? For this to have taken so long?” Jun asked curiously. He could only be this honest with Ohno. And he was glad when Ohno shook his head in response.
“Not at all. I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided years ago that I’ll take care of you.” Ohno smiled, patting Jun’s head tenderly. “I’m just glad that I have your heart all to myself now. Uhm, hopefully?” He added, unsure.
Jun flashed him a toothy grin and went in again for a hug. “I’m sorry it took this long. I think I can finally let it go.” He said. “Thank you for being patient.”
Ohno scoffed in response, “I’m a fisherman, patience is my middle name.” He chuckled. “But I’m worried about Sho-chan, I hope he’s alright?” He ended, being the worrywart that he is. Jun let out a sad sigh.
“Am I terrible? Since I can’t do anything more about this on my end.” Jun honestly responded. “If I do, we’ll both never let it go.” He reasoned out.
“We’re all terrible in our own ways.” Ohno replied. “But you’ve done well, now it’s time to rest.” Ohno said, placing a kiss on Jun’s forehead to which the younger accepted. “We’ll take it from here, the Soubusen team is with us too. We’ll take care of him.” He declared.
It was Ohno who took him in and nursed him back to being who he was now when Sho broke him years ago. He remembered cursing the name Sakurai Sho for the longest time for breaking his young heart-he was his first real love. Then Ohno became his beacon of light and Jun had always been apologetic that he couldn’t give his heart fully to Ohno until he had his closure.
But now that it’s done, Jun finally realized that this is the beat that he preferred-a calming one that will not set him off into a panic. A beat that’s solely at the same pace as Ohno Satoshi.
--
Greetings! Welcome to the footnote! Ok, basically, my reference for this fic are four things:
- Tackey's guesting on Yakai: 2016.07.14. They talked about the rumor of them not getting along since Jr. Days and the truth about their 20-year feud. WATCH IT! They're as awkward as ShoJun, christ. lol
- That tweet that said that Ariyoshi is a peacemaker for ending Sho's rumored feuds (with Jun and Tackey)
- Tackey and Jun are known to be elites in JE
- The Yamanotesen and Soubusen team talk in Jun's recent Tokio Kakeru guesting (2017.10.04) photo below for better appreciation:
Timelines fit perfectly too! Here's a breakdown of my brain's breakdown while writing this fic's timeline:
- April 1995 - Tackey joins JE
- October 1995 - Sho joins JE
- May 1996 - Jun joins JE
- 1996 - 1998 - Tsubasa / Sho keeps hanging out while Tackey hangs out with MAIN
- 1999 - Arashi debut / Fic: Sho & Tackey begins relationship
- 2000 - Jun continues to confess his love, running on for years now and finally gets noticed by senpai (lol) / Fic: Sho & Tackey + Sho & Jun
- 2002 - Jun's graduation, Tackey's debut (Tackey & Tsubasa), start of Jun's rebel phase / Fic: Breakups happen
I don't know, my image is that Jun and Tackey understood each other so instead, they got angry at Sho who's the root cause of it all. Which is why only Sho was the one who drifted apart from them. Fuck dude, I really just wanted to get this shit out of my system, it's been weighing me down. lol. Anyway, that's all my dudes. Bye~♥ ♡
PS: Ohno's there because he's an observer from Yamanotesen team. And of course, Juntoshi is my main boys. lol. ♥ ♡