If Only He Could
Pairing: Ohmiya, Juntoshi
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Rating: PG
Length: 3,578 words
Summary: Nino never wanted a commitment, he doesn't believe in labels and he definitely doesn't believe that love can last forever.
**
A smile formed on his lips, his eyes drifted towards two people in the distance as he said,
“Love will never last forever.”
--
They had an understanding. They were very much alike.
Games were definitely his best friend. It’s not like he’s anti-social-definitely not- being part of Arashi made him anything but that. Being part of Arashi meant socializing at every event and putting on a good face in everything, which is why he loved the solitude of his home, playing games after a tiring day at work.
He heard the soft click of the lock, quickly followed by light footsteps and a simple “I’m home”. He didn’t bother looking up, only letting out a low hum in recognition. He must have been playing for hours judging by the arrival of his lover.
They had an understanding. No attachments. Staying good friends even if they were sleeping together. They were band mates after all-colleagues in the industry. He didn’t want to tarnish their name so no one knew of their relationship.
Nino felt him plop down beside him on the couch, seeing him throw on a loose shirt in his peripheral vision.
“Okay, Oh-chan?” Nino finally said, still not taking his eyes of the TV screen. Ohno shifted in his seat, finding a more comfortable position next to him. He ended up putting his head on Nino’s lap, the latter allowing it because he knew it had been a long day for Ohno.
“Yeah.” Ohno simply replied, burying his face in Nino’s stomach. A few minutes of silence passed between them, the only sound heard were the faint sound of gunshots from the game. Ohno looked up at him, “Aren’t you tired? Don’t you want to go to bed?”
Almost a year of having this arrangement between them and Ohno still had to coax him to bed, always trying to tear him away from his games. “You can go on ahead, Oh-chan. I’ll just finish a couple more…” Nino ended faintly.
Ohno hesitated for a moment, staying by his side until Nino had to pause the game, finally looking at him. “Get in bed with me?” Ohno tried again, Nino offered him a small smile.
“Just…just one more, Ohno-san, I promise I’ll be right behind you.” Nino said, making his resolve and clearly, Ohno had seen it. The older man knew he wouldn’t win over Nino’s games; it has always been like that. So instead of pushing him further, Ohno smiled and nodded in understanding like he always does.
“Alright, good night then.” Ohno said, getting up from the couch and placing a soft kiss on Nino’s lips, leaving Nino alone for the night because ‘that’s just the way he likes it’.
Nino was glad that they could have silent conversations like this. They were very much alike, Satoshi and him. He was glad that Ohno understood that he wanted to be left alone, much like his lover wanted to be left alone sometimes too. He knew it was fine like this.
-
He was positive that they were fine.
“Here you go.”
Nino looked up from eating his lunch and stared at Ohno who was holding out something for him with a neutral expression. It was a few stems of small flowers, not even more than 10. He didn’t know what it was for and he wasn’t great with celebrations, it was a good thing that they were alone in the dressing room or he would have been embarrassed which would make him unable to talk. He might be showy and touchy on camera but off-cam at work, he was a little different.
“I’m sorry, what…? Am I missing something? What is this for?” Nino asked, hesitantly accepting the flowers from Ohno.
Ohno shrugged, trying to play it off like it was just something irrelevant. “Yeah, that’s to celebrate you. I mean, for getting your next drama.” He said in a relaxed voice.
Nino narrowed his eyes at him, not quite believing what Ohno was saying. He knew there was something more about this because Ohno doesn’t give flowers or ‘celebrate’ something as small as getting a lead role, but he let it go. “Ah, thank you. You didn’t really need to do this, Riida.”
“I know but, well…” Ohno left his sentence hanging because Nino was on work mode, calling him ‘Riida’. He left Nino alone again this time because ‘I know you don’t celebrate anything but, happy anniversary, Kazu’.
-
He knew something was wrong.
He didn’t know when it started but he felt that something changed with Ohno. It was so subtle that it was almost unnoticeable until it happened frequently. Small gestures that made Nino want to straighten things out with him.
“Thank you for all your hard work.” Everyone said in unison as the group’s filming ended that day, smiles plastered on their faces and goofing around with the crew before leaving the studio and heading to their dressing room to get changed.
Ohno walked with Nino as per usual with Matsumoto following closely behind them, talking animatedly with Aiba and Sho. It was subtle, almost unnoticeable when Ohno reached for Nino’s hand and asked, “Let’s go out and drink tonight”.
“All of us?” Aiba chipped in, hearing Ohno’s suggestion. Ohno nodded simply in reply. “I’m in!” He agreed in an instant, whipping his head towards Sho who was most likely to decline the offer. “Sho-chan, let’s go drink, Sho-chan. I missed drinking with everyone.”
Sho sighed, he can never really turn down the bubbling sunshine of a human being that is Aiba Masaki. He nodded in agreement, turning towards Matsumoto, he asked, “Matsumoto-kun?”
“It’s really weird for Riida to ask us out like this but yeah, I’m in.” MatsuJun replied, always the analytical guy that he was.
If it wasn’t because of the members agreeing, Nino wouldn’t have wanted to come. It had been a busy day and he just wanted his games but he went with it anyway, it was a rare thing for them to drink together off work. That was when he felt it, Ohno’s hand still firmly holding on to his.
His eyes drifted towards it and with the way Ohno’s hand twitched when he looked down, he knew Ohno was conscious of it too. Slowly, he retracted his hand from Ohno’s hold and made it seem like something was itchy on his back.
It wasn’t the last time it happened too. Ohno would use anything as an excuse to hold Nino’s hand and the latter would try to pull away without it being awkward or anything. After that, Nino noticed that Ohno would try to hang out with him in all of their free time during their work hours.
It wasn’t as if he was uncomfortable with anything that Ohno was doing, they’ve done everything already and they were far from innocent. But it was dangerous and they had an understanding. No attachments.
“Okay, Riida, I don’t know how to put this nicely.” Nino started one night when they were in the privacy of his home. “I hope you still remember what we’ve talked about before. No attachments?” He said. “You’re getting a little…clingy.” He ended bluntly and straightforwardly.
Ohno laughed a bit at the accusation but Nino can see that his laughter didn’t reach his eyes. “Am I? Well, that’s because I like you.” He lightly said. Then there was silence because Nino wasn’t good with those things. Feelings.
After a long pause, Ohno finally forced him to sit on the couch. “You’re going to miss your game night, the time difference, Nino. Don’t forget.” He said, completely ignoring their earlier conversation. “I’m heading to bed first, then.” He smiled.
“No, I-”
“It’s fine. I know you’ll be right behind me.” Ohno echoed his words to him. He left him alone again this time because ‘I know it’s an arrangement and I know you can’t say ‘I like you’ back’.
-
They had an understanding but they differ in some way.
“I think we have to stop this because I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Nino didn’t understand but he listened. He listened to Ohno when he went back to his house after going for so long without sleeping over. He listened because it was a rare moment when Ohno Satoshi spoke so much.
“Let’s stop this, Nino.” Ohno suggested. “Let’s just be normal friends at a normal job having a normal conversation about our normal lives.” He chuckled, trying to stay focused.
“Did I do something?” Nino finally asked. He thought they were fine, knew they were fine but Ohno suddenly kept his distance after the confrontation about being too attached to him. It was months since that happened and here they were now.
Ohno smiled, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Not you.” He softly said. “I broke your rules. I didn’t know that I needed something more than our little arrangement.”
“More?”
“No attachments, that’s what you wanted.” Ohno said, in the same calm tone that scared the lights out of Nino. “But I guess I can’t do it. You said so yourself, I’m clingy.” He chuckled again, his voice breaking as he did so.
Nino made a move to hold him close but he stopped midway. “I…” He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He wanted to say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I’ll try my best from now on’ or ‘It’s not your fault’ but all of it fell short on his tongue. His thoughts were scattered and he can’t think straight.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything.” Ohno said, taking a step closer towards him. “You mean a lot to me, Kazu, as a friend and as a lover.” He cupped Nino’s cheek with a trembling hand. “But I know-you know you can’t give me what I need. You’re just not ready for that kind of commitment and I understand that.” He bluntly said with a sad smile.
Nino wanted to scream, just so he can have his voice back. He didn’t know what to do and once again he was torn between saying, ‘You’re right’ and ‘Please wait until I’m ready’. But it didn’t come, nothing came out of his useless mouth.
Ohno took a step back, distancing himself from the other man. “I’m giving my trust to you, Kazu. I trust that we’ll still be good friends after this, we’re Arashi after all.” He smiled. With one final bow, he said, “Thank you for everything.”
With that, Ohno left him alone again in his apartment because ‘I know you’re always right behind me, but now you’re not, so I guess this is it’.
-
He realized what he needed.
It was like nothing happened between them; there was no tension of any sort so it didn’t feel awkward to be in the same room. The other members had no idea about their little arrangement so no one butted in. He didn’t know why he never talked to Ohno about it. He wanted to, but something was stopping him: was it because he was hoping that they’d reconcile? Or that there would be another arrangement soon enough? Definitely, he was too proud to ask for him back.
Years passed and nothing happened. They stayed the same; just the comedic duo of Arashi that worked well together on camera, teasing each other relentlessly until they were satisfied with it.
Then Nino noticed it, the small changes again. In one interview that the group had, they were asked the usual question of who they’d want to date among the members. Even then, Nino noticed how Ohno took the question seriously that even the hosts pointed out themselves. Everyone laughed it off with Riida just being his weird little self but Nino can hear it ringing in his mind all the time.
“I choose MatsuJun.” Ohno said at the time. Once pried for an explanation, he said, “He’s the type to say ‘I like you’ while the other members are not.”
“You want them to say that?” The host asked while laughing aloud with the other members as well. But Nino was far from laughing because somehow, he was beginning to understand a lot about Ohno this time.
“Yeah.” Ohno replied bluntly with his blank face, not bothered at all by the usual laughter. “Well, even after a long time of being together, he seems like the person who can say ‘I like you’ by my side.” He continued, earning more laughter from everyone. “I’ll feel at ease.” He ended, laughing as well.
“Thank you.” Matsumoto bowed, ending his laughing streak.
“Okay, then who is the person that you don’t want to date among the members?”
Nino noticed how Ohno fidgeted on his seat, sitting upright properly before answering, “It has to be…well, Nino.” Ohno said without so much as glancing Nino’s way.
Nino played his part of an understanding member, they were recording for a TV show after all. Sho prompted a small talk that ended up with Ohno answering, “Yeah, we’re normally friends but he definitely wouldn’t say ‘I like you’ to me.”
“You don’t know that yet.” Nino supplied, wanting to convey his thoughts on the matter without being too obvious about anything. But he knew what Ohno said was true, he never did once say it to him when they were together, after all.
Ohno still haven’t looked at him once and just kept on explaining to the hosts. “He likes games too much. I think it will be difficult to be his partner.” He ended with a few nods, earning more laughter in the room.
Nino would have liked to defend himself a little bit more but the hosts had moved on to ask Sho, he didn’t get his chance and they left it at that.
After that, Nino noticed the other changes. Ohno would come into the dressing room with a small smile on his face, skimming through his smartphone and clearly reading a text message. On other days, Nino tried to focus on his games but he would notice Ohno walking on set with Jun, chatter and laughter in tow.
They started being together a lot, Ohno and Matsumoto. Nino and the others definitely noticed it. Finally, one day, Aiba walked in with a bright smile.
“I heard Riida and MatsuJun’s actually together now.”
Nino was sure his heart fell on the ground and broke into a thousand pieces. No attachments.
“Finally, the guy never made a move because he thought you two were together.” Sho let out, talking directly to Nino. “Matsumoto’s smooth moves, eh? Last week, I visited Satoshi-kun on set and I swear, there were a few flowers here and there in his room.” He chuckled. “You’re rubbing off on MatsuJun with the flower thing.”
Nino listened in on the conversation, more curious than ever with his heart beating faster by the minute. No attachments.
“I did that once!” Aiba defended himself about the bouquet of white flowers he gave to Sho on his birthday many years ago. “I’d gladly do it again though if you want grand gestures.”
“You’re annoying.” They both laughed.
Nino wasn’t like that. He can’t be like his friends who can openly say ‘I love you’ or do romantic gestures, he just can’t. He doesn’t know how to act ‘in love’. But as Ohno and Jun walked in, hand in hand with dumb smiles on their dumb faces, he knew one thing.
He was attached-still attached. And he was hurt.
It hurt when Ohno said ‘Let’s stop this’. It hurt when he walked out his apartment door without so much as glancing back. It hurt when he’s not there waiting for him on his bed after he finishes his games. It hurt that he was seeing someone else hold Ohno’s hand when he could have been doing that when they were together. It hurt that he was now spending all his time with another man.
It hurt because he loves him. He didn’t want to admit it. He was scared of it because it never last forever. He didn’t want to be attached-that was his rule- but he was, of course he was.
Nino’s eyes were fixated on the two of them because it looked like Ohno was teasing MatsuJun about his clothing preferences that day.
“Stupid, Ohno-san.” Matsumoto laughed, hitting Ohno in the head. Ohno massaged the back of his head with a laugh as well.
“MatsuJun, you really need to stop hitting me every time I say how cute you are.” Ohno jokingly scolded him. Matsumoto laughed again, helping in massaging Ohno’s head while muttering an apology.
Aiba approached them, “So, how’d it go?”
“How did what go?” MatsuJun asked calmly, sitting on the sofa just right across from Nino who scrambled to get his Nintendo DS. “Nino, that’s not going to run away from you, you know.” He laughed.
“I’m pretty sure the whole company knows about you two now, are we going to be okay?” Aiba asked seriously. This was what Nino was scared about and Aiba voiced it out, bless him.
MatsuJun shrugged in reply. “Let them come at us, I’d do everything I can to protect Arashi. I’m not scared.” He said.
Nino looked up at him and saw the confidence that only MatsuJun can emit. In his peripheral view, he can see Ohno having a small smile on his face and that’s when he realized it.
This is what Ohno needed. An assurance. Someone who can face something head on with him without hesitating. Someone that wasn’t as cowardly as him.
He couldn’t take it. He was happy for his friends but he was sad and hurt. Nino stood up, startling everyone in the room, especially Matsumoto who was always the first person to worry about them.
“Hey, what’s up? Is everything okay?” MatsuJun asked, slowly getting up from his seat as well. Nino held out a hand to him.
“I’m fine, I just need to check on something for a bit. Be back in a while.” Nino smiled as he rushed out of the room and into the nearest and most isolated fire escape.
Once alone, he let it all go, the tears that he didn’t even know he was holding back. He was quiet, small sobs were the only sound that was coming from him. A few minutes later, the door opened and he didn’t even bother looking at who it was.
“Nino.”
He stiffened, frantically covering his face with his hands and wiping his tears away. “I’m fine. Sorry, I will head back soon. Is the stylist there already?” He tried to sound cheerful.
Ohno sat beside him and patted him on the shoulder. Nino didn’t know what to do but his heart knew how to react, he let his tears roll down his cheeks as he faced away from Ohno, trying to wipe them off every time.
“Nino…” Ohno started again, at a loss for words. “Nino, MatsuJun and I, we…” Ohno paused. “I’m sorry it had to be him but please don’t hate him.”
“It’s fine. I do want to know though, what made you choose him?” Nino asked straightforwardly, trying to keep his voice from breaking.
Ohno stayed silent for a moment, a hand still on Nino’s shoulder. “He gave me what I needed the most: just being there.” He said, retracting his hand from holding Nino. “He knows how to deal with my most insane moments; he knows when to leave me alone and when to be there for me. MatsuJun’s just really an attentive person.”
It felt like Ohno’s words were stabbing him one after the other because all of the traits he just described was definitely opposite of what Nino was.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you still…I mean, I didn’t know that it would affect you this much but…” Ohno said, trying to be considerate and Nino noticed how he was trying to search for words, so he did what he thought was the best thing to do.
“It’s fine. I’m just a little surprised, that’s all.” Nino said, his tears completely gone. It was like magic, the way he acts okay even when he’s not. No one can see through his act because he knew how to control it. “I’m glad you have him, Riida.” He smiled.
“Please say you’re going to be fine.”
“Don’t worry. I am.”
But he wasn’t. He doesn’t think he will be because after all those years, he still loves Ohno and once again, he didn’t say what he wanted to say. He didn’t say that he wanted him back, that he needed him back. He didn’t say that letting him go was the greatest mistake of his life. And most of all, he didn’t say that he loves him.
He kept his mouth shut and let Ohno go.
--
A smile formed on his lips, his eyes drifted towards two people who just walked in the room as he said,
“Love will never last forever.”
Those were the words of a person who chooses to believe in the reality that everything changes, even love. Those were the words he said for his interview with MORE. But those were the words that he wanted to escape from, if he could.
If only he could.
He wanted love to last forever because if it did, then maybe, just maybe, Ohno Satoshi would still be his.
--
I hate myself for writing this. I hate myself so bad. I hate it more because this is my first Arashi fic and it's a sad one wtf. :'( But I wanted something sad so I wrote it. Ninooooo let me love youuuuu bb. Fic was highly inspired by "When I Was Your Man" and "If It Means A Lot To You". Sad songs are a bitch on my feelings.
Genre: Drama, Angst, Romance
Rating: PG
Length: 3,578 words
Summary: Nino never wanted a commitment, he doesn't believe in labels and he definitely doesn't believe that love can last forever.
**
A smile formed on his lips, his eyes drifted towards two people in the distance as he said,
“Love will never last forever.”
--
They had an understanding. They were very much alike.
Games were definitely his best friend. It’s not like he’s anti-social-definitely not- being part of Arashi made him anything but that. Being part of Arashi meant socializing at every event and putting on a good face in everything, which is why he loved the solitude of his home, playing games after a tiring day at work.
He heard the soft click of the lock, quickly followed by light footsteps and a simple “I’m home”. He didn’t bother looking up, only letting out a low hum in recognition. He must have been playing for hours judging by the arrival of his lover.
They had an understanding. No attachments. Staying good friends even if they were sleeping together. They were band mates after all-colleagues in the industry. He didn’t want to tarnish their name so no one knew of their relationship.
Nino felt him plop down beside him on the couch, seeing him throw on a loose shirt in his peripheral vision.
“Okay, Oh-chan?” Nino finally said, still not taking his eyes of the TV screen. Ohno shifted in his seat, finding a more comfortable position next to him. He ended up putting his head on Nino’s lap, the latter allowing it because he knew it had been a long day for Ohno.
“Yeah.” Ohno simply replied, burying his face in Nino’s stomach. A few minutes of silence passed between them, the only sound heard were the faint sound of gunshots from the game. Ohno looked up at him, “Aren’t you tired? Don’t you want to go to bed?”
Almost a year of having this arrangement between them and Ohno still had to coax him to bed, always trying to tear him away from his games. “You can go on ahead, Oh-chan. I’ll just finish a couple more…” Nino ended faintly.
Ohno hesitated for a moment, staying by his side until Nino had to pause the game, finally looking at him. “Get in bed with me?” Ohno tried again, Nino offered him a small smile.
“Just…just one more, Ohno-san, I promise I’ll be right behind you.” Nino said, making his resolve and clearly, Ohno had seen it. The older man knew he wouldn’t win over Nino’s games; it has always been like that. So instead of pushing him further, Ohno smiled and nodded in understanding like he always does.
“Alright, good night then.” Ohno said, getting up from the couch and placing a soft kiss on Nino’s lips, leaving Nino alone for the night because ‘that’s just the way he likes it’.
Nino was glad that they could have silent conversations like this. They were very much alike, Satoshi and him. He was glad that Ohno understood that he wanted to be left alone, much like his lover wanted to be left alone sometimes too. He knew it was fine like this.
-
He was positive that they were fine.
“Here you go.”
Nino looked up from eating his lunch and stared at Ohno who was holding out something for him with a neutral expression. It was a few stems of small flowers, not even more than 10. He didn’t know what it was for and he wasn’t great with celebrations, it was a good thing that they were alone in the dressing room or he would have been embarrassed which would make him unable to talk. He might be showy and touchy on camera but off-cam at work, he was a little different.
“I’m sorry, what…? Am I missing something? What is this for?” Nino asked, hesitantly accepting the flowers from Ohno.
Ohno shrugged, trying to play it off like it was just something irrelevant. “Yeah, that’s to celebrate you. I mean, for getting your next drama.” He said in a relaxed voice.
Nino narrowed his eyes at him, not quite believing what Ohno was saying. He knew there was something more about this because Ohno doesn’t give flowers or ‘celebrate’ something as small as getting a lead role, but he let it go. “Ah, thank you. You didn’t really need to do this, Riida.”
“I know but, well…” Ohno left his sentence hanging because Nino was on work mode, calling him ‘Riida’. He left Nino alone again this time because ‘I know you don’t celebrate anything but, happy anniversary, Kazu’.
-
He knew something was wrong.
He didn’t know when it started but he felt that something changed with Ohno. It was so subtle that it was almost unnoticeable until it happened frequently. Small gestures that made Nino want to straighten things out with him.
“Thank you for all your hard work.” Everyone said in unison as the group’s filming ended that day, smiles plastered on their faces and goofing around with the crew before leaving the studio and heading to their dressing room to get changed.
Ohno walked with Nino as per usual with Matsumoto following closely behind them, talking animatedly with Aiba and Sho. It was subtle, almost unnoticeable when Ohno reached for Nino’s hand and asked, “Let’s go out and drink tonight”.
“All of us?” Aiba chipped in, hearing Ohno’s suggestion. Ohno nodded simply in reply. “I’m in!” He agreed in an instant, whipping his head towards Sho who was most likely to decline the offer. “Sho-chan, let’s go drink, Sho-chan. I missed drinking with everyone.”
Sho sighed, he can never really turn down the bubbling sunshine of a human being that is Aiba Masaki. He nodded in agreement, turning towards Matsumoto, he asked, “Matsumoto-kun?”
“It’s really weird for Riida to ask us out like this but yeah, I’m in.” MatsuJun replied, always the analytical guy that he was.
If it wasn’t because of the members agreeing, Nino wouldn’t have wanted to come. It had been a busy day and he just wanted his games but he went with it anyway, it was a rare thing for them to drink together off work. That was when he felt it, Ohno’s hand still firmly holding on to his.
His eyes drifted towards it and with the way Ohno’s hand twitched when he looked down, he knew Ohno was conscious of it too. Slowly, he retracted his hand from Ohno’s hold and made it seem like something was itchy on his back.
It wasn’t the last time it happened too. Ohno would use anything as an excuse to hold Nino’s hand and the latter would try to pull away without it being awkward or anything. After that, Nino noticed that Ohno would try to hang out with him in all of their free time during their work hours.
It wasn’t as if he was uncomfortable with anything that Ohno was doing, they’ve done everything already and they were far from innocent. But it was dangerous and they had an understanding. No attachments.
“Okay, Riida, I don’t know how to put this nicely.” Nino started one night when they were in the privacy of his home. “I hope you still remember what we’ve talked about before. No attachments?” He said. “You’re getting a little…clingy.” He ended bluntly and straightforwardly.
Ohno laughed a bit at the accusation but Nino can see that his laughter didn’t reach his eyes. “Am I? Well, that’s because I like you.” He lightly said. Then there was silence because Nino wasn’t good with those things. Feelings.
After a long pause, Ohno finally forced him to sit on the couch. “You’re going to miss your game night, the time difference, Nino. Don’t forget.” He said, completely ignoring their earlier conversation. “I’m heading to bed first, then.” He smiled.
“No, I-”
“It’s fine. I know you’ll be right behind me.” Ohno echoed his words to him. He left him alone again this time because ‘I know it’s an arrangement and I know you can’t say ‘I like you’ back’.
-
They had an understanding but they differ in some way.
“I think we have to stop this because I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Nino didn’t understand but he listened. He listened to Ohno when he went back to his house after going for so long without sleeping over. He listened because it was a rare moment when Ohno Satoshi spoke so much.
“Let’s stop this, Nino.” Ohno suggested. “Let’s just be normal friends at a normal job having a normal conversation about our normal lives.” He chuckled, trying to stay focused.
“Did I do something?” Nino finally asked. He thought they were fine, knew they were fine but Ohno suddenly kept his distance after the confrontation about being too attached to him. It was months since that happened and here they were now.
Ohno smiled, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Not you.” He softly said. “I broke your rules. I didn’t know that I needed something more than our little arrangement.”
“More?”
“No attachments, that’s what you wanted.” Ohno said, in the same calm tone that scared the lights out of Nino. “But I guess I can’t do it. You said so yourself, I’m clingy.” He chuckled again, his voice breaking as he did so.
Nino made a move to hold him close but he stopped midway. “I…” He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He wanted to say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I’ll try my best from now on’ or ‘It’s not your fault’ but all of it fell short on his tongue. His thoughts were scattered and he can’t think straight.
“It’s alright, you don’t have to say anything.” Ohno said, taking a step closer towards him. “You mean a lot to me, Kazu, as a friend and as a lover.” He cupped Nino’s cheek with a trembling hand. “But I know-you know you can’t give me what I need. You’re just not ready for that kind of commitment and I understand that.” He bluntly said with a sad smile.
Nino wanted to scream, just so he can have his voice back. He didn’t know what to do and once again he was torn between saying, ‘You’re right’ and ‘Please wait until I’m ready’. But it didn’t come, nothing came out of his useless mouth.
Ohno took a step back, distancing himself from the other man. “I’m giving my trust to you, Kazu. I trust that we’ll still be good friends after this, we’re Arashi after all.” He smiled. With one final bow, he said, “Thank you for everything.”
With that, Ohno left him alone again in his apartment because ‘I know you’re always right behind me, but now you’re not, so I guess this is it’.
-
He realized what he needed.
It was like nothing happened between them; there was no tension of any sort so it didn’t feel awkward to be in the same room. The other members had no idea about their little arrangement so no one butted in. He didn’t know why he never talked to Ohno about it. He wanted to, but something was stopping him: was it because he was hoping that they’d reconcile? Or that there would be another arrangement soon enough? Definitely, he was too proud to ask for him back.
Years passed and nothing happened. They stayed the same; just the comedic duo of Arashi that worked well together on camera, teasing each other relentlessly until they were satisfied with it.
Then Nino noticed it, the small changes again. In one interview that the group had, they were asked the usual question of who they’d want to date among the members. Even then, Nino noticed how Ohno took the question seriously that even the hosts pointed out themselves. Everyone laughed it off with Riida just being his weird little self but Nino can hear it ringing in his mind all the time.
“I choose MatsuJun.” Ohno said at the time. Once pried for an explanation, he said, “He’s the type to say ‘I like you’ while the other members are not.”
“You want them to say that?” The host asked while laughing aloud with the other members as well. But Nino was far from laughing because somehow, he was beginning to understand a lot about Ohno this time.
“Yeah.” Ohno replied bluntly with his blank face, not bothered at all by the usual laughter. “Well, even after a long time of being together, he seems like the person who can say ‘I like you’ by my side.” He continued, earning more laughter from everyone. “I’ll feel at ease.” He ended, laughing as well.
“Thank you.” Matsumoto bowed, ending his laughing streak.
“Okay, then who is the person that you don’t want to date among the members?”
Nino noticed how Ohno fidgeted on his seat, sitting upright properly before answering, “It has to be…well, Nino.” Ohno said without so much as glancing Nino’s way.
Nino played his part of an understanding member, they were recording for a TV show after all. Sho prompted a small talk that ended up with Ohno answering, “Yeah, we’re normally friends but he definitely wouldn’t say ‘I like you’ to me.”
“You don’t know that yet.” Nino supplied, wanting to convey his thoughts on the matter without being too obvious about anything. But he knew what Ohno said was true, he never did once say it to him when they were together, after all.
Ohno still haven’t looked at him once and just kept on explaining to the hosts. “He likes games too much. I think it will be difficult to be his partner.” He ended with a few nods, earning more laughter in the room.
Nino would have liked to defend himself a little bit more but the hosts had moved on to ask Sho, he didn’t get his chance and they left it at that.
After that, Nino noticed the other changes. Ohno would come into the dressing room with a small smile on his face, skimming through his smartphone and clearly reading a text message. On other days, Nino tried to focus on his games but he would notice Ohno walking on set with Jun, chatter and laughter in tow.
They started being together a lot, Ohno and Matsumoto. Nino and the others definitely noticed it. Finally, one day, Aiba walked in with a bright smile.
“I heard Riida and MatsuJun’s actually together now.”
Nino was sure his heart fell on the ground and broke into a thousand pieces. No attachments.
“Finally, the guy never made a move because he thought you two were together.” Sho let out, talking directly to Nino. “Matsumoto’s smooth moves, eh? Last week, I visited Satoshi-kun on set and I swear, there were a few flowers here and there in his room.” He chuckled. “You’re rubbing off on MatsuJun with the flower thing.”
Nino listened in on the conversation, more curious than ever with his heart beating faster by the minute. No attachments.
“I did that once!” Aiba defended himself about the bouquet of white flowers he gave to Sho on his birthday many years ago. “I’d gladly do it again though if you want grand gestures.”
“You’re annoying.” They both laughed.
Nino wasn’t like that. He can’t be like his friends who can openly say ‘I love you’ or do romantic gestures, he just can’t. He doesn’t know how to act ‘in love’. But as Ohno and Jun walked in, hand in hand with dumb smiles on their dumb faces, he knew one thing.
He was attached-still attached. And he was hurt.
It hurt when Ohno said ‘Let’s stop this’. It hurt when he walked out his apartment door without so much as glancing back. It hurt when he’s not there waiting for him on his bed after he finishes his games. It hurt that he was seeing someone else hold Ohno’s hand when he could have been doing that when they were together. It hurt that he was now spending all his time with another man.
It hurt because he loves him. He didn’t want to admit it. He was scared of it because it never last forever. He didn’t want to be attached-that was his rule- but he was, of course he was.
Nino’s eyes were fixated on the two of them because it looked like Ohno was teasing MatsuJun about his clothing preferences that day.
“Stupid, Ohno-san.” Matsumoto laughed, hitting Ohno in the head. Ohno massaged the back of his head with a laugh as well.
“MatsuJun, you really need to stop hitting me every time I say how cute you are.” Ohno jokingly scolded him. Matsumoto laughed again, helping in massaging Ohno’s head while muttering an apology.
Aiba approached them, “So, how’d it go?”
“How did what go?” MatsuJun asked calmly, sitting on the sofa just right across from Nino who scrambled to get his Nintendo DS. “Nino, that’s not going to run away from you, you know.” He laughed.
“I’m pretty sure the whole company knows about you two now, are we going to be okay?” Aiba asked seriously. This was what Nino was scared about and Aiba voiced it out, bless him.
MatsuJun shrugged in reply. “Let them come at us, I’d do everything I can to protect Arashi. I’m not scared.” He said.
Nino looked up at him and saw the confidence that only MatsuJun can emit. In his peripheral view, he can see Ohno having a small smile on his face and that’s when he realized it.
This is what Ohno needed. An assurance. Someone who can face something head on with him without hesitating. Someone that wasn’t as cowardly as him.
He couldn’t take it. He was happy for his friends but he was sad and hurt. Nino stood up, startling everyone in the room, especially Matsumoto who was always the first person to worry about them.
“Hey, what’s up? Is everything okay?” MatsuJun asked, slowly getting up from his seat as well. Nino held out a hand to him.
“I’m fine, I just need to check on something for a bit. Be back in a while.” Nino smiled as he rushed out of the room and into the nearest and most isolated fire escape.
Once alone, he let it all go, the tears that he didn’t even know he was holding back. He was quiet, small sobs were the only sound that was coming from him. A few minutes later, the door opened and he didn’t even bother looking at who it was.
“Nino.”
He stiffened, frantically covering his face with his hands and wiping his tears away. “I’m fine. Sorry, I will head back soon. Is the stylist there already?” He tried to sound cheerful.
Ohno sat beside him and patted him on the shoulder. Nino didn’t know what to do but his heart knew how to react, he let his tears roll down his cheeks as he faced away from Ohno, trying to wipe them off every time.
“Nino…” Ohno started again, at a loss for words. “Nino, MatsuJun and I, we…” Ohno paused. “I’m sorry it had to be him but please don’t hate him.”
“It’s fine. I do want to know though, what made you choose him?” Nino asked straightforwardly, trying to keep his voice from breaking.
Ohno stayed silent for a moment, a hand still on Nino’s shoulder. “He gave me what I needed the most: just being there.” He said, retracting his hand from holding Nino. “He knows how to deal with my most insane moments; he knows when to leave me alone and when to be there for me. MatsuJun’s just really an attentive person.”
It felt like Ohno’s words were stabbing him one after the other because all of the traits he just described was definitely opposite of what Nino was.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you still…I mean, I didn’t know that it would affect you this much but…” Ohno said, trying to be considerate and Nino noticed how he was trying to search for words, so he did what he thought was the best thing to do.
“It’s fine. I’m just a little surprised, that’s all.” Nino said, his tears completely gone. It was like magic, the way he acts okay even when he’s not. No one can see through his act because he knew how to control it. “I’m glad you have him, Riida.” He smiled.
“Please say you’re going to be fine.”
“Don’t worry. I am.”
But he wasn’t. He doesn’t think he will be because after all those years, he still loves Ohno and once again, he didn’t say what he wanted to say. He didn’t say that he wanted him back, that he needed him back. He didn’t say that letting him go was the greatest mistake of his life. And most of all, he didn’t say that he loves him.
He kept his mouth shut and let Ohno go.
--
A smile formed on his lips, his eyes drifted towards two people who just walked in the room as he said,
“Love will never last forever.”
Those were the words of a person who chooses to believe in the reality that everything changes, even love. Those were the words he said for his interview with MORE. But those were the words that he wanted to escape from, if he could.
If only he could.
He wanted love to last forever because if it did, then maybe, just maybe, Ohno Satoshi would still be his.
--
I hate myself for writing this. I hate myself so bad. I hate it more because this is my first Arashi fic and it's a sad one wtf. :'( But I wanted something sad so I wrote it. Ninooooo let me love youuuuu bb. Fic was highly inspired by "When I Was Your Man" and "If It Means A Lot To You". Sad songs are a bitch on my feelings.