(no subject)
ugh. i don't even know anymore.
i've been so happy with life for such a long stretch of time.
i suppose things had to change eventually.
i'm still pretty happy - i can just feel the ground shifting beneath my feet.
it's daunting.
last week, a girl that i went to middle school and high school with was killed in a car accident. it was a head-on collision on the highway. she was hit by a drunk driver. i wasn't particularly close to her, but it was still an unsettling event and following week. many of my friends were deeply mourning her loss. and all i could really think about was my brother. what if he had been that drunk driver? what would i do? how would i simultaneously grieve the loss of my brother and of the poor, innocent soul he killed? how do you do that? how do you deal with all that loss and guilt? i don't know. it just rattled me. i hope to god he never gets his driver's license back, and that he never gets behind the wheel drunk again, either way.
i think i'm beginning to live a little bit too internally again. my mind is constantly racing and jumping and obsessing and processing. and from the outside i appear to be very composed and understanding and patient but it's just an act. it's just a defense mechanism. something i've picked up over the years. really, i'm freaking out inside. i'm upset and i'm shaken and i'm worried and i'm lost and i need someone or something but i don't know what. [and i need to stop needing other people. nothing good comes of it and no progress is ever made.] and instead of saying something, anything.. i just stand there speechless, in a daze, or completely turn my focus to someone else as to deflect the attention off of me. and there's no reason to keep everything so bottled up. i know that it's okay to process things out loud. everyone does it. but i can't seem to manage to let myself. i need to need people less but reach out to people more.. is that even possible? i don't know. i'm a walking contradiction sometimes.
and my evolution class is really starting to depress me. i believe so strongly in science over religion. and learning about various life-forms and the history of the earth and of life on earth and how things are evolving and where we are today and where we're going and all that is so interesting to me, but sometimes it's a reality check of sorts. maybe there is a part of me that needs something religious to find comfort in. i don't know. i don't buy into all that god and pre-destination and meaning of life crap, but science can leave me feeling really empty at times, too. maybe we were never meant to be such conscious creatures. maybe that's why so many of us are so fucked up. maybe no organism should have to think about all the things we think about, deal with all the things we deal with, answer so many questions, work so hard to create and maintain connections and search so hard for meaning.. on so many levels, we're just like the rest of the animal kingdom. and yet, in so many ways we completely defy nature. and maybe we were never meant to. maybe it's not in our best interest.
i don't know. sometimes it all just starts to feel like too much.
life is (kind of) accidental and incredible and fragile and mysterious.
and i'm fairly certain we'll never ever figure it out. not really.
how do you even begin to worry about silly little things like school and homework when you're carrying the weight of the world around on your shoulders? (the answer is - you don't.)
i never worry about relevant, immediate, manageable things. that would make far too much sense.
i just have to keep fighting the urge to become a hermit.
because as much as they also drive me crazy, people seem to keep me sane.