(no subject)
i want to talk about how i feel without saying how i feel.
pretty much i was just wrong about everything, ever.
i was wrong to think that all of the pieces would fall together and i was wrong to think that anything i finally did would make me feel complete... i feel worse than i did before.
i really dont want to do anything. i feel tired in the weirdest way...i feel tired of life, but physically tired, like i want to sleep forever and ever. i want to just curl up and be asleep.
if it didnt hurt so much i might say that i wish i could just play entire spans of life off as big gaps...just air that totally never mattered to me.
if it didnt hurt so much.
i wish i never had to feel like a big gap to anyone, but i do most of the time and it does hurt. it feels like my time will never be anything but a huge space of air that is totally forgettable to anyone who ever pretended to enjoy it.
and then i get all defensive, and i want those other people to just understand that they really dont mean that much to me, and they never did...because if they dont understand that then i'm the one whos still reaching out but not touching anything and i cant handle that. i cant handle being seen with my arms wide open like that.
and i hate thinking that people are reaching back because they dont know what else to do, so i pretend it doesnt even matter and that i was never reaching out and that i dont need them. i pretend that theyre just a big gap to me, that i hardly even remember them at all...
and obviously that gets me nowhere.
i'm not doing those practice tests. if i do it will be much later. right now i'm lying down and taking a huge nap from life. seriously, a nap from life is exactly what this nap will be.
pretty much i was just wrong about everything, ever.
i was wrong to think that all of the pieces would fall together and i was wrong to think that anything i finally did would make me feel complete... i feel worse than i did before.
i really dont want to do anything. i feel tired in the weirdest way...i feel tired of life, but physically tired, like i want to sleep forever and ever. i want to just curl up and be asleep.
if it didnt hurt so much i might say that i wish i could just play entire spans of life off as big gaps...just air that totally never mattered to me.
if it didnt hurt so much.
i wish i never had to feel like a big gap to anyone, but i do most of the time and it does hurt. it feels like my time will never be anything but a huge space of air that is totally forgettable to anyone who ever pretended to enjoy it.
and then i get all defensive, and i want those other people to just understand that they really dont mean that much to me, and they never did...because if they dont understand that then i'm the one whos still reaching out but not touching anything and i cant handle that. i cant handle being seen with my arms wide open like that.
and i hate thinking that people are reaching back because they dont know what else to do, so i pretend it doesnt even matter and that i was never reaching out and that i dont need them. i pretend that theyre just a big gap to me, that i hardly even remember them at all...
and obviously that gets me nowhere.
i'm not doing those practice tests. if i do it will be much later. right now i'm lying down and taking a huge nap from life. seriously, a nap from life is exactly what this nap will be.