lesbians in pine valley.....
So Im watching All My Children, not on purpose, and the opening scene is one girl proposing to another! What? Is that progress? Is gay life becoming mainstream? The rest of it seems about the same as when I last watched it 14 years ago. Everybody is just older. So am I! So far my vacation is going alright. It is really hard to be away from S and the kids, I feel like I just fed them directly into the belly of the beast. The beast being Kelly. But, I reallyyyyyy needed to get away, and I need to know what she will do without me there. So far, unfortunately it has gone exactly as I expected. But I need her to choose me, to come back to me, to realize life without me is empty. Because thats how I feel. If she doesnt then I need to let go, to move on and start anew. My heart is broken and empty without her. The first night, when I was driving here, she called me every hour and a half, telling me how much she missed me, that she just wanted me to come back. Then she even talked about looking for flights to come out here because she couldnt imagine waiting a whole week to see me again. Talked about leaving the job where she works with the beast. I havent heard anything else about that. Kelly must have forgiven her and she decided she didnt need or want me. The hardest part of all, is I had it all before. For almost 4 years I had all of her, she didnt have other people on the side, I didnt have to fight for her attention. I dont think its enough to get the scraps...because I dont give scraps.
When I get back I will focus on the kids, and spending time wit her. I will distance myself from her and start my new life. I have to find a way to care for her without loving and wanting her. I could just stay leave me alone and go away, but she is the bio mom of my kids, and if I say that then Im giving her permission to take my kids. I cant lose them...especially Bubbie..he is my whole heart and soul. He needs me as much as I need him. Does this mean I need to move out of that house? I want them to live there so I dont have to worry about where they are. But should I keep paying half the bills? Heres the list of issues to work out:
1. The house:
a) do we keep it?
b) should I live there?
c) should we stay in seperate parts of the house?
d) should I move out?
e) should I pay half the bills or rent if I move out?
f) should I have her pay half the bills, I leave the kids rooms as they are and they stay with me a couple days a week?
g) is it fair to ask her to leave?
h) should we sublease?
2. The kids:
a) do I ask to have them a couple nights a week, when she works maybe?
b) do we stay in the house to give them a sense of home?
c) do I move out and set up a room for them at my moms so they can stay there with me a couple of nights a week?
d) do I let them go?
3. The relationship:
a) do I let her go?
b) do I try to be her friend and love her as best I can while hiding my other feelings and hope they go away?
c) do I try to make it work as a casual relationship?
d) can I forgive her?
e) do I give her an ultimatem and hope she chooses me?
f) do I move away with her and hope its different somewhere else?
g) do I try to hate her?
h) do I just take care of her and the kids and hope things change?
As is evident by the above questions...Im so fucking lost! Alot of these decisions rely upon her reactions and wishes too. The kids is a much less complicated issue, because as long as I am breathing I will fight to be in their lives. They are the reason I wake up most days. Bubbie has turned into a little Jess, and does whatever I do. He showers me hugs and kisses everyday. Half the time he just follows me around, he'll do laundry or dishes as long as it means he can be with me. I feel so much love for and from him. I understand why the love of a child is the most precious thing in this world. I get crazy when think about losing her, but I go insane when she talks about taking them away. I would follow her to ends of the earth just to be with them. Not so much her anymore, mainly because she doesnt want me most of the time...but the kids, they are everything. I would sacrifice anything for them...that is my biggest battle. Honestly, so far being away, Ive thought it wouldnt be so bad to move away and just start over. But I couldnt not go back for my Bubbie. Stinky does need me so much. I love her so much, she has such a tender heart. But she is so close to her mother. She is a little S, my heart hurts for her, because if S doesnt beat this cancer....Stinks will be so lost without her. I dont know how to proctect her from that. She is also very much in that preteen sassy phase of her life where everything is "whatever" and "so". The latest is screaming "just leave me alone, I hate you". But, sadly enough I remember that phase of my own life. Their saving grace at that age is every now and again they have moments of sanity and we already love them from when they were sane, loving, kind human beings. She will be a beautiful, loving, kind woman one day. We just have to live through the shit first...yikes!!!!
Well, my battery is getting low on my laptop, and I havent accompllished anything today. Will write more later.
J
When I get back I will focus on the kids, and spending time wit her. I will distance myself from her and start my new life. I have to find a way to care for her without loving and wanting her. I could just stay leave me alone and go away, but she is the bio mom of my kids, and if I say that then Im giving her permission to take my kids. I cant lose them...especially Bubbie..he is my whole heart and soul. He needs me as much as I need him. Does this mean I need to move out of that house? I want them to live there so I dont have to worry about where they are. But should I keep paying half the bills? Heres the list of issues to work out:
1. The house:
a) do we keep it?
b) should I live there?
c) should we stay in seperate parts of the house?
d) should I move out?
e) should I pay half the bills or rent if I move out?
f) should I have her pay half the bills, I leave the kids rooms as they are and they stay with me a couple days a week?
g) is it fair to ask her to leave?
h) should we sublease?
2. The kids:
a) do I ask to have them a couple nights a week, when she works maybe?
b) do we stay in the house to give them a sense of home?
c) do I move out and set up a room for them at my moms so they can stay there with me a couple of nights a week?
d) do I let them go?
3. The relationship:
a) do I let her go?
b) do I try to be her friend and love her as best I can while hiding my other feelings and hope they go away?
c) do I try to make it work as a casual relationship?
d) can I forgive her?
e) do I give her an ultimatem and hope she chooses me?
f) do I move away with her and hope its different somewhere else?
g) do I try to hate her?
h) do I just take care of her and the kids and hope things change?
As is evident by the above questions...Im so fucking lost! Alot of these decisions rely upon her reactions and wishes too. The kids is a much less complicated issue, because as long as I am breathing I will fight to be in their lives. They are the reason I wake up most days. Bubbie has turned into a little Jess, and does whatever I do. He showers me hugs and kisses everyday. Half the time he just follows me around, he'll do laundry or dishes as long as it means he can be with me. I feel so much love for and from him. I understand why the love of a child is the most precious thing in this world. I get crazy when think about losing her, but I go insane when she talks about taking them away. I would follow her to ends of the earth just to be with them. Not so much her anymore, mainly because she doesnt want me most of the time...but the kids, they are everything. I would sacrifice anything for them...that is my biggest battle. Honestly, so far being away, Ive thought it wouldnt be so bad to move away and just start over. But I couldnt not go back for my Bubbie. Stinky does need me so much. I love her so much, she has such a tender heart. But she is so close to her mother. She is a little S, my heart hurts for her, because if S doesnt beat this cancer....Stinks will be so lost without her. I dont know how to proctect her from that. She is also very much in that preteen sassy phase of her life where everything is "whatever" and "so". The latest is screaming "just leave me alone, I hate you". But, sadly enough I remember that phase of my own life. Their saving grace at that age is every now and again they have moments of sanity and we already love them from when they were sane, loving, kind human beings. She will be a beautiful, loving, kind woman one day. We just have to live through the shit first...yikes!!!!
Well, my battery is getting low on my laptop, and I havent accompllished anything today. Will write more later.
J