Emo as fuck.
I am genetically predisposed to be a constant worrier. I know my flaws; I alter them to work towards a goal. This goal is not a goal that I want. It is 80% socially biased, and as an entity who endures his beliefs into such nothingness it personifies into a facade. A facade to belong. My problem, I can't break it. That is why I am writing tonight at midnight because I've been in the process of breaking it.
Let me explain what this facade is. It is the relationships, the emotions expressed, and everyday stressors that I witness. Mostly these things called "friends" and their goals as to only please themselves. Which of course, leaves me the worrier, stranded and alone. Family issues of financial use, changing from highschool to the real world, and as I have stated "genetically predisposed" a mother, who is a constant worrier as well. The caregiver, the one who people go to when they are sad. A skill that creates productivity in the business world. Empathy. Or Emotional intelligence. Anyways, the facade of friends, wait I don't want to call them fri----..... I will call them....viruses.
You meet a person, and grow with them and become ever so close to this person. Or you might have become viruses rather quickly. Or you have a virus that you've known for a little while and slowly but surely became better viruses as you gave each other the time and decency to enter each others social bubble. Now, virusship. Dictionary says "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts." I read that and laugh. Now, don't get me wrong I love my viruses, but lets look on the negative side of viruses from my prospective. No one pays attention. Hence, the facade that I am trying to gradually explain.
THEY STICK THEIR SHIT IN YOU AND REPLICATE.
There is no happiness. It is all fake. You try to have a good time and there always seems to be a problem. Now, altering my flaws I work to make things fit so I don't have to worry. What is this? Why do I worry about viruses who hurt me? And by God Almighty, if I could stop worrying please, enlighten me! Look, I use antibodies, antibiotics to clean the shit up that the viruses leave, but naturally, viruses replicate and become immune....
Naturally, when something goes wrong and you can't fix it, running from the problem would be a course of action. I don't like this action. It does not help. What would be a better way? To talk things through to get both point of views from each side? What if nothing works? Behaviors change. What you feel pre-altercation is different post-altercation. This part makes you want to run. When you have so many fights, just talking things through does not seem to work anymore. A feeling of awkwardness creeps up on you. A feeling of tension in the room. What I have seen in many of my highschool days is a facade. To let it slide. To put on a happy face and carry on through life ignoring the problems. I hate that most of all, but I do it! I'm letting you know tonight that I see it! You see it too, but you have avoided it! I speak like a hypocrite, but I am not ignorant!
So here is my story. I ran. I found a new virus. We became close. Much like the virus ebola. Attacks rapidly and kills in days. But this virus was not ebola, it was a virus just like me. This virus showed similarities, that I did not have, of my other viruses. Except, this viruses situation was different and more complicated coming from a younger adolescent mindset that I had difficulty understanding. We became so close, things started to happen. Which caused problems.
These problems arise because communication and understanding are on two different levels, and that is how I feel with all my viruses. There is no specific virus that will give me what I want. I have all that it takes, but my over-analyzing, and over-thinking puts me in a pickel that pushes wanted viruses away. After all of this, I see, out of everything, I am the actual virus.
Let me explain what this facade is. It is the relationships, the emotions expressed, and everyday stressors that I witness. Mostly these things called "friends" and their goals as to only please themselves. Which of course, leaves me the worrier, stranded and alone. Family issues of financial use, changing from highschool to the real world, and as I have stated "genetically predisposed" a mother, who is a constant worrier as well. The caregiver, the one who people go to when they are sad. A skill that creates productivity in the business world. Empathy. Or Emotional intelligence. Anyways, the facade of friends, wait I don't want to call them fri----..... I will call them....viruses.
You meet a person, and grow with them and become ever so close to this person. Or you might have become viruses rather quickly. Or you have a virus that you've known for a little while and slowly but surely became better viruses as you gave each other the time and decency to enter each others social bubble. Now, virusship. Dictionary says "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts." I read that and laugh. Now, don't get me wrong I love my viruses, but lets look on the negative side of viruses from my prospective. No one pays attention. Hence, the facade that I am trying to gradually explain.
THEY STICK THEIR SHIT IN YOU AND REPLICATE.
There is no happiness. It is all fake. You try to have a good time and there always seems to be a problem. Now, altering my flaws I work to make things fit so I don't have to worry. What is this? Why do I worry about viruses who hurt me? And by God Almighty, if I could stop worrying please, enlighten me! Look, I use antibodies, antibiotics to clean the shit up that the viruses leave, but naturally, viruses replicate and become immune....
Naturally, when something goes wrong and you can't fix it, running from the problem would be a course of action. I don't like this action. It does not help. What would be a better way? To talk things through to get both point of views from each side? What if nothing works? Behaviors change. What you feel pre-altercation is different post-altercation. This part makes you want to run. When you have so many fights, just talking things through does not seem to work anymore. A feeling of awkwardness creeps up on you. A feeling of tension in the room. What I have seen in many of my highschool days is a facade. To let it slide. To put on a happy face and carry on through life ignoring the problems. I hate that most of all, but I do it! I'm letting you know tonight that I see it! You see it too, but you have avoided it! I speak like a hypocrite, but I am not ignorant!
So here is my story. I ran. I found a new virus. We became close. Much like the virus ebola. Attacks rapidly and kills in days. But this virus was not ebola, it was a virus just like me. This virus showed similarities, that I did not have, of my other viruses. Except, this viruses situation was different and more complicated coming from a younger adolescent mindset that I had difficulty understanding. We became so close, things started to happen. Which caused problems.
These problems arise because communication and understanding are on two different levels, and that is how I feel with all my viruses. There is no specific virus that will give me what I want. I have all that it takes, but my over-analyzing, and over-thinking puts me in a pickel that pushes wanted viruses away. After all of this, I see, out of everything, I am the actual virus.