Me and Father's Day...We Don't Get Along.
So it's Father's Day. 1 a.m. still counts, you know.
I don't know why...but this day really gets on my nerves. I just get so angry. I can't even describe why really. I mean, I see the commercials on TV for Sears and JCPenny and crap, and it just makes my heart sink. When it's Mother's Day, there aren't nearly as many commercials, at least, that I see. I probably just don't notice because I actually have a mom and get so excited for her and being able to get her something/do something nice for her.
It's just...not having my dad my whole life has really bothered me in itself, but it's even worse on Father's Day every year. I wish I knew what day he died. I wish he had a grave somewhere, instead of being a pile of ashes on my Grandma's mantle for 14, almost 15 years. I wish I had something to visit, or some day to think of him by. But I don't. All I have to remind me that he's not around (more so than usual) is this holiday.
I'm so jealous of all my friends having fathers. They all always say it's "not that great," or "my dad's an ass, trust me, you don't want one," but...I do want one. I know parents aren't all great all the time. I know that. I have a mom. (Even though my mom is an angle and almost always never gets mad at me and vice versa). But I don't care if I would get yelled at. I don't care that he wouldn't understand my girl issues. I just...I just want a dad so fucking bad. I can't help it. People always wine when they say they don't have a grandparent, but for most people, a grandparent isn't someone you see everyday. A father or mother is. I'm not saying having your grandparent die is any less terrible than the next thing, but if you look at it from my point of view, you can't help but sort of see where I'm coming from, I guess.
I don't miss my dad. I didn't know my dad. I had just turned two when he died for crying out loud. But I miss the idea of my dad. All I have of him is a ring he gave to my mom for mother's day when I was one. It has my and my mother's birth stones on it. It's really pretty, and my mom was kind enough to give it to me. I wear it almost everyday. And I have the stories my mom tells me, about how he used to let me eat banana flavored popsicles on the couch when my mom wasn't home, because I wasn't allowed. Or that when we went to the zoo, he let my kick my feet over the side of the railing, and my shoe flew off and landed with the monkies, where it stayed forever (my mom still has the other shoe, somewhere). But that's all I have. It just doesn't feel like enough sometimes...
Every year on Father's Day, I just celebrate my mom. Because I suppose she's filled the role of both father and mother, which is a crazy feat in itself. My mom is so incredibly strong, and she never lets her weakness show (for the most part). She does her best to understand me and the things I do and like, and she has opened her eyes so much to the world by having me as her daughter. I love her so much and I appreciate her more than anything, and of course I don't mind giving this day to her, but at the same time, I wish it were for my dad instead. :/
I'm sorry for the long, depressing rant.... This has just bothered me for like, you know, 14 years, and this is the first time I've gotten it off of my chest. >.<; This is the only place I can really share without judgement too, because I'd prefer most of my friends not to see. Sorry if it's inconvennienced anyone!
I don't know why...but this day really gets on my nerves. I just get so angry. I can't even describe why really. I mean, I see the commercials on TV for Sears and JCPenny and crap, and it just makes my heart sink. When it's Mother's Day, there aren't nearly as many commercials, at least, that I see. I probably just don't notice because I actually have a mom and get so excited for her and being able to get her something/do something nice for her.
It's just...not having my dad my whole life has really bothered me in itself, but it's even worse on Father's Day every year. I wish I knew what day he died. I wish he had a grave somewhere, instead of being a pile of ashes on my Grandma's mantle for 14, almost 15 years. I wish I had something to visit, or some day to think of him by. But I don't. All I have to remind me that he's not around (more so than usual) is this holiday.
I'm so jealous of all my friends having fathers. They all always say it's "not that great," or "my dad's an ass, trust me, you don't want one," but...I do want one. I know parents aren't all great all the time. I know that. I have a mom. (Even though my mom is an angle and almost always never gets mad at me and vice versa). But I don't care if I would get yelled at. I don't care that he wouldn't understand my girl issues. I just...I just want a dad so fucking bad. I can't help it. People always wine when they say they don't have a grandparent, but for most people, a grandparent isn't someone you see everyday. A father or mother is. I'm not saying having your grandparent die is any less terrible than the next thing, but if you look at it from my point of view, you can't help but sort of see where I'm coming from, I guess.
I don't miss my dad. I didn't know my dad. I had just turned two when he died for crying out loud. But I miss the idea of my dad. All I have of him is a ring he gave to my mom for mother's day when I was one. It has my and my mother's birth stones on it. It's really pretty, and my mom was kind enough to give it to me. I wear it almost everyday. And I have the stories my mom tells me, about how he used to let me eat banana flavored popsicles on the couch when my mom wasn't home, because I wasn't allowed. Or that when we went to the zoo, he let my kick my feet over the side of the railing, and my shoe flew off and landed with the monkies, where it stayed forever (my mom still has the other shoe, somewhere). But that's all I have. It just doesn't feel like enough sometimes...
Every year on Father's Day, I just celebrate my mom. Because I suppose she's filled the role of both father and mother, which is a crazy feat in itself. My mom is so incredibly strong, and she never lets her weakness show (for the most part). She does her best to understand me and the things I do and like, and she has opened her eyes so much to the world by having me as her daughter. I love her so much and I appreciate her more than anything, and of course I don't mind giving this day to her, but at the same time, I wish it were for my dad instead. :/
I'm sorry for the long, depressing rant.... This has just bothered me for like, you know, 14 years, and this is the first time I've gotten it off of my chest. >.<; This is the only place I can really share without judgement too, because I'd prefer most of my friends not to see. Sorry if it's inconvennienced anyone!