It
Well, vini vidi vici. That was it. It's over. It was. It happened. It's gone. It kicked ass.
I decided that I didn't need shoes badly enough to face the maddening post-Thanksgiving crowds at the mall. This allowed me to sleep until noon and see a movie with my family. It was Christmas With the Kranks, and to be frankly honest, I didn't like it that much. A lot of it was really, super implausible and predictable, although the "N. Reeky" instead of "Enrique" was pretty funny. The worst part was that I (being the sentimental sap that I am) started crying in the middle. See, the Kranks decide to skip Christmas because their daughter is in the Peace Corps, but they find out on very short notice that she will be returning. Therefore, they need to remedy their anti-holiday woes.
The premise itself leads to predictable disater and heartwarming touchy-feely, which I'm normally a sucker for. However, the movie just had to be about how Christmas is not worth having without a loved one. Skip Christmas. Brilliant. It works when they will not be calling magically to say they will return. It works when they're gone forever. Everything you've defined Christmas as, and it disappears in a heartbeat (literally). So you skip Christmas to dull the pain. You go to Hawaii. Hawaii was fucking awesome, but we did just what the Kranks attempted to do: we skipped Christmas.
I never want to have Christmas. It will be far too painful. I didn't have a Christmas last year. We almost didn't even get a tree; the only reason we did is because I went hysterical. I'm so pissed about it. Last year I was pissed that we were ignoring it; this year I'm pissed that we're going to try to have this empty shell of a semblance of a holiday. It meanst nothing to me. Thanksgiving just wasn't...special. It was special becaues I got to see my aunt and uncle and stuff, but next week will be far better, as Ryan, Anna, and Kristen will be there too. I don't know if I can quite explain it...it just didn't seem like a holiday. There are no holidays for me. I'm home for an extra long weekend.
I really want to go back home. I am so glad I got to go tonight, and I had a lot of fun, and I am really really looking forward to seeing Mike today, but I want to go home. I don't hate my family, but I don't really like being here. I feel like I'm under surveillance, because I will never be able to live up to their expectations, though I know I'm not a failure. I will always feel like a failure. I still own3d Brett in Tony Hawk's and Guess Who (I figured out how to cheat!), but even the Gamecube doesn't make up for anything. I don't have a home here. I felt more comfortable and more at home in Diane's basement than I do here, now, in my own loft. In her basement.
I don't think I'm dependant on anyone else for my happiness, but I'm not finding it here. Maybe I am just dependant. That makes me weak and pathetic. So I suck.
This just in: AOL just became the most efficient way to do something. The world will end in five seconds. Wait, never mind, I just clicked on something and it froze. All is well with the world.
Tonight was a blast. Filled to the brim with the Beltline Bar's yummy enchiladas, I happily headed out to the frozen wilderness that is Alaska. At the Beltline and 68th I ran into Mark DeMull (well, not literally) and followed him to Diane's house. I was warmly welcomed after Jay and Duc decided to let Mark into the house. Big hugs from Jay, Randy, Kim, Gini, and Diane were had. Hugs make you feel very warm and fuzzy inside. They make you feel really loved.
I cannot describe accurately how strange it was to be back there again, but I will attempt to. It was just like old times. We were there, pretending to watch movies but doing much more catching up instead. Alas, we never did get to the Cosmo; I suppose I'll just have to steal Amy's. I lost miserably at ping pong, but it was fun to be there playing with the likes of them again. I never did get my chance to vanquish Zeeff, who had to leave because of a headache. I almost beat Duc, which I consider an amazing feat of luck. Never skill. It kind of pumped me up for Michigan table tennis. I really do enjoy playing, though I do need to stop caring so much. It shouldn't matter, I know it shouldn't matter, but I base much too much of my worth on my (nonexistant) ping pong "skill".
I'm sure some other nonimportant things happened intermittently, but my mind just kind of jumps back to when Gini and I began playing. We didn't play for real, but just hit the ball back and forth repeatedly and chatted. We talked about it. That was really weird, talking about it with someone important within earshot knowing enough to be able to figure it out if they tried. Someone important being that someone, and I'm not getting any more specific than that. It really isn't that hard, anyway; actually, Gini and I had a good laugh over that fact itself.
We did talk about the animatronic Ellen from the World of Energy ride at Disney. That was wonderful. I cannot wait to go to Disney again, whenever I do go. Animatronic Ellen! And to think that I had almost forgotten about that.
Tonight, playing ping pong there for so long, was just weird. It felt right again, but at the same time so strange. It only felt strange when I thought, "I don't have this anymore. This is it. This is an anomaly." It felt so...natural to be there, in that situation, with those people. While I long to be back in Ann Arbor, that situation was a nice reminder that yes, I do have a life and friends here. I don't ever want to lose sight of that. Ever. If I do, slap me.
At the same time, I belong in Ann Arbor. That is where my life is located right now. This is just a weird kind of vacation, where I visit another social bubble. Gini is a great friend. I remembered that tonight. It was great to actually be able to actually interact, instead of talking on AIM, which can only do so much. Something about ping pong tonight felt good, natural, like summer again. Like summer.
People began weeding out while we played (all told we were playing for at least an hour; probably much more), and soon it was Kim, Gini, myself, Wisniewski, and Diane. Andy just kind of sat there on the couch after The Chronicles of Riddick ended, while Diane cleaned up. Kim, Gini, and I had an interesting conversation about it: that I felt it, that it was there, that I couldn't deny it, that I was probably just making it up, that it makes me pathetic, and other related issues. Poor Andy probably had no clue what we were talking about. Diane might have figured out that it had to do with tacos-ness, but I kind of doubt it.
In any case, Kim said something interesting, which was that things might actually be the best they way they are right now. Obviously, it could potentially be more awkward, but that would only be true in a most extreme situation, which wouldn't occur in the first place. I don't know. I can't see it doing any real good, unless it forces me to analyze things. After all, despite what I think I knew in ninth grade, it has been this specific situation that has opened my eyes and forced me to try to accept it. It is a fun feeling.
So, the mighty conclusions: I don't know how I feel. I think I felt something. It wasn't quite the same as it was during the summer, but I would say that excessive glee was in order. I think very much that the timing had a lot to do with the feelings. After all, it has been months, plural. I felt differently about them than, say, Gini. And I felt differently about Gini than, say, Liz, for example, but not in the it kind of way. It was kind of surreal, being in that situation and knowing I was in that situation.
I think the being cognizant that I was in the situation clouded my feelings. I think I thought I was supposed to feel a certain way, and I didn't. At the same time, I think it's safe to say there was something there, although I'm not sure if I subconsiously planted it. They are special.
The three of us (Diane, myself, and Wisniewski) got part of the way through Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind before Andy left. Both of them figured it out very early; Diane had it almost right at the beginning. I remembered tonight how much I love that movie; I'm afraid I may get a craving for it. However, Diane did mention that she was pretty tired and needed to sleep before tomorrow's activity laden appearance. I figured I'd do the benevolent thing and allow her to kick me out. She was really stoked to see the movie, though, having put it on at 2 or whatever in the first place, so I told her she could borrow it until Christmas.
Man, that is one good movie. We turned it off and decided that Diane would be keeping it temporarily, but we began talking, just about life and college and stuff. We talked about some things that are pertinent to college life. We also talked about Strike. There was one time when I just wanted to give her a big hug, because I saw she was tearing up a little bit. The whole situation with Strike is really strange this year, but that's another post. We talked for probably a good hour or so after we stopped the movie.
Though we talk online quite a bit, it was very nice to be able to interact in person. It was also, naturally, very odd. I've been talking to her online for so long, and suddenly here we are in the same basement, in the same kind of situation, just...talking about life. We're friends. I'd wager that we're pretty good friends. I don't really know how exactly it happened. I think it's along the lines of what Callie said: I open myself up a lot to certain people. I can't really quite explain it; maybe it's because I think that if I open myself up, maybe my friends will feel comfortable talking to me. Is that a purely selfish motive? I can't really say for sure.
It could be true that I'm just attention mongering, too. I don't know. Especially in this situation; that could be the case. But whatever the case may actually be, whether I'm attention mongering or not, I do care about her as a friend. There are also things that we're both going through that no one else quite gets as well as we can; Strike and leaving it, having an outside perspective, would be the main reason I can detect. We both left a big piece of ourselves behind, and strangely it has been that loss that has brought us together.
Holy crap. I got home at four. It's five-thirty. Mike wants me to be at his house around nine. This is crazy. I have to work on my homework tomorrow, too, since I'll be at Callie's all day on Sunday. Hmm...stress, anyone? I must try to put this behind me and concentrate on just enjoying tomorrow. Tomorrow should be a good day, and potentially more long-entry fodder.
Anyone actually read all of this? And not just skipping to this line? I don't care; I'm just curious. Thinking...thinking...I should write, but I don't think it would do much good.
I decided that I didn't need shoes badly enough to face the maddening post-Thanksgiving crowds at the mall. This allowed me to sleep until noon and see a movie with my family. It was Christmas With the Kranks, and to be frankly honest, I didn't like it that much. A lot of it was really, super implausible and predictable, although the "N. Reeky" instead of "Enrique" was pretty funny. The worst part was that I (being the sentimental sap that I am) started crying in the middle. See, the Kranks decide to skip Christmas because their daughter is in the Peace Corps, but they find out on very short notice that she will be returning. Therefore, they need to remedy their anti-holiday woes.
The premise itself leads to predictable disater and heartwarming touchy-feely, which I'm normally a sucker for. However, the movie just had to be about how Christmas is not worth having without a loved one. Skip Christmas. Brilliant. It works when they will not be calling magically to say they will return. It works when they're gone forever. Everything you've defined Christmas as, and it disappears in a heartbeat (literally). So you skip Christmas to dull the pain. You go to Hawaii. Hawaii was fucking awesome, but we did just what the Kranks attempted to do: we skipped Christmas.
I never want to have Christmas. It will be far too painful. I didn't have a Christmas last year. We almost didn't even get a tree; the only reason we did is because I went hysterical. I'm so pissed about it. Last year I was pissed that we were ignoring it; this year I'm pissed that we're going to try to have this empty shell of a semblance of a holiday. It meanst nothing to me. Thanksgiving just wasn't...special. It was special becaues I got to see my aunt and uncle and stuff, but next week will be far better, as Ryan, Anna, and Kristen will be there too. I don't know if I can quite explain it...it just didn't seem like a holiday. There are no holidays for me. I'm home for an extra long weekend.
I really want to go back home. I am so glad I got to go tonight, and I had a lot of fun, and I am really really looking forward to seeing Mike today, but I want to go home. I don't hate my family, but I don't really like being here. I feel like I'm under surveillance, because I will never be able to live up to their expectations, though I know I'm not a failure. I will always feel like a failure. I still own3d Brett in Tony Hawk's and Guess Who (I figured out how to cheat!), but even the Gamecube doesn't make up for anything. I don't have a home here. I felt more comfortable and more at home in Diane's basement than I do here, now, in my own loft. In her basement.
I don't think I'm dependant on anyone else for my happiness, but I'm not finding it here. Maybe I am just dependant. That makes me weak and pathetic. So I suck.
This just in: AOL just became the most efficient way to do something. The world will end in five seconds. Wait, never mind, I just clicked on something and it froze. All is well with the world.
Tonight was a blast. Filled to the brim with the Beltline Bar's yummy enchiladas, I happily headed out to the frozen wilderness that is Alaska. At the Beltline and 68th I ran into Mark DeMull (well, not literally) and followed him to Diane's house. I was warmly welcomed after Jay and Duc decided to let Mark into the house. Big hugs from Jay, Randy, Kim, Gini, and Diane were had. Hugs make you feel very warm and fuzzy inside. They make you feel really loved.
I cannot describe accurately how strange it was to be back there again, but I will attempt to. It was just like old times. We were there, pretending to watch movies but doing much more catching up instead. Alas, we never did get to the Cosmo; I suppose I'll just have to steal Amy's. I lost miserably at ping pong, but it was fun to be there playing with the likes of them again. I never did get my chance to vanquish Zeeff, who had to leave because of a headache. I almost beat Duc, which I consider an amazing feat of luck. Never skill. It kind of pumped me up for Michigan table tennis. I really do enjoy playing, though I do need to stop caring so much. It shouldn't matter, I know it shouldn't matter, but I base much too much of my worth on my (nonexistant) ping pong "skill".
I'm sure some other nonimportant things happened intermittently, but my mind just kind of jumps back to when Gini and I began playing. We didn't play for real, but just hit the ball back and forth repeatedly and chatted. We talked about it. That was really weird, talking about it with someone important within earshot knowing enough to be able to figure it out if they tried. Someone important being that someone, and I'm not getting any more specific than that. It really isn't that hard, anyway; actually, Gini and I had a good laugh over that fact itself.
We did talk about the animatronic Ellen from the World of Energy ride at Disney. That was wonderful. I cannot wait to go to Disney again, whenever I do go. Animatronic Ellen! And to think that I had almost forgotten about that.
Tonight, playing ping pong there for so long, was just weird. It felt right again, but at the same time so strange. It only felt strange when I thought, "I don't have this anymore. This is it. This is an anomaly." It felt so...natural to be there, in that situation, with those people. While I long to be back in Ann Arbor, that situation was a nice reminder that yes, I do have a life and friends here. I don't ever want to lose sight of that. Ever. If I do, slap me.
At the same time, I belong in Ann Arbor. That is where my life is located right now. This is just a weird kind of vacation, where I visit another social bubble. Gini is a great friend. I remembered that tonight. It was great to actually be able to actually interact, instead of talking on AIM, which can only do so much. Something about ping pong tonight felt good, natural, like summer again. Like summer.
People began weeding out while we played (all told we were playing for at least an hour; probably much more), and soon it was Kim, Gini, myself, Wisniewski, and Diane. Andy just kind of sat there on the couch after The Chronicles of Riddick ended, while Diane cleaned up. Kim, Gini, and I had an interesting conversation about it: that I felt it, that it was there, that I couldn't deny it, that I was probably just making it up, that it makes me pathetic, and other related issues. Poor Andy probably had no clue what we were talking about. Diane might have figured out that it had to do with tacos-ness, but I kind of doubt it.
In any case, Kim said something interesting, which was that things might actually be the best they way they are right now. Obviously, it could potentially be more awkward, but that would only be true in a most extreme situation, which wouldn't occur in the first place. I don't know. I can't see it doing any real good, unless it forces me to analyze things. After all, despite what I think I knew in ninth grade, it has been this specific situation that has opened my eyes and forced me to try to accept it. It is a fun feeling.
So, the mighty conclusions: I don't know how I feel. I think I felt something. It wasn't quite the same as it was during the summer, but I would say that excessive glee was in order. I think very much that the timing had a lot to do with the feelings. After all, it has been months, plural. I felt differently about them than, say, Gini. And I felt differently about Gini than, say, Liz, for example, but not in the it kind of way. It was kind of surreal, being in that situation and knowing I was in that situation.
I think the being cognizant that I was in the situation clouded my feelings. I think I thought I was supposed to feel a certain way, and I didn't. At the same time, I think it's safe to say there was something there, although I'm not sure if I subconsiously planted it. They are special.
The three of us (Diane, myself, and Wisniewski) got part of the way through Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind before Andy left. Both of them figured it out very early; Diane had it almost right at the beginning. I remembered tonight how much I love that movie; I'm afraid I may get a craving for it. However, Diane did mention that she was pretty tired and needed to sleep before tomorrow's activity laden appearance. I figured I'd do the benevolent thing and allow her to kick me out. She was really stoked to see the movie, though, having put it on at 2 or whatever in the first place, so I told her she could borrow it until Christmas.
Man, that is one good movie. We turned it off and decided that Diane would be keeping it temporarily, but we began talking, just about life and college and stuff. We talked about some things that are pertinent to college life. We also talked about Strike. There was one time when I just wanted to give her a big hug, because I saw she was tearing up a little bit. The whole situation with Strike is really strange this year, but that's another post. We talked for probably a good hour or so after we stopped the movie.
Though we talk online quite a bit, it was very nice to be able to interact in person. It was also, naturally, very odd. I've been talking to her online for so long, and suddenly here we are in the same basement, in the same kind of situation, just...talking about life. We're friends. I'd wager that we're pretty good friends. I don't really know how exactly it happened. I think it's along the lines of what Callie said: I open myself up a lot to certain people. I can't really quite explain it; maybe it's because I think that if I open myself up, maybe my friends will feel comfortable talking to me. Is that a purely selfish motive? I can't really say for sure.
It could be true that I'm just attention mongering, too. I don't know. Especially in this situation; that could be the case. But whatever the case may actually be, whether I'm attention mongering or not, I do care about her as a friend. There are also things that we're both going through that no one else quite gets as well as we can; Strike and leaving it, having an outside perspective, would be the main reason I can detect. We both left a big piece of ourselves behind, and strangely it has been that loss that has brought us together.
Holy crap. I got home at four. It's five-thirty. Mike wants me to be at his house around nine. This is crazy. I have to work on my homework tomorrow, too, since I'll be at Callie's all day on Sunday. Hmm...stress, anyone? I must try to put this behind me and concentrate on just enjoying tomorrow. Tomorrow should be a good day, and potentially more long-entry fodder.
Anyone actually read all of this? And not just skipping to this line? I don't care; I'm just curious. Thinking...thinking...I should write, but I don't think it would do much good.