(no subject)
Went to bed, woke up, feel infinitely more depressed than I did yesterday.
I've decided not to call Kaitlyn in the hospital. I want to, but I think that she said it to be polite (like I said earlier, sort of like that wedding guest you don't want around but you invite because they'd have a shitfit if you didn't)- there was just something in the air that night, something that was telling me to back off; I had my chance to brighten her life by being a good friend and I made it worse. I'll phone the hospital for updates (because I don't get them fast enough the way I'm getting them now), but I'm not going to talk to her. Realizing that I've been relegated from "YOu're one of the few friends who I want as a permanent fixture in my life" to "I guess it would be nice, but I don't care too much if you're not around" screams that it would be better not to call. This is not out of anger; this is out of respect for the life she's creating for herself. Maybe a part of me misses when she called me family (this was before we dated)- it's a relaization that no matter how polite she is, I know what I did- I ruined a good strong bond.
For the record, none of this is meant to have any romantic overtones- I wax poetic when I'm having depressive episodes.
So, sorry Kaitlyn, if I judged the situation incorrectly. Know that I wanted to call, but it's just too late for me to be in a situation where I screwed up to the extent that my friendship is only grudgingly accepted. Ok that sounded a little more bitterthan I wanted it to. I'm not bitter at all, just beginning to accept the situation that it is best that you be left with the people who mean the most to you.
Truth be told, I'm not depressed because of anything in particular. The episodes aren't really ever brought on my an external incident. I have little desire to imprive the situation anymore. I just wish there were a way of gauging whether my presence is welcome there or whether it was requested out of politeness, which would not be hte first time this has been done.
I've decided not to call Kaitlyn in the hospital. I want to, but I think that she said it to be polite (like I said earlier, sort of like that wedding guest you don't want around but you invite because they'd have a shitfit if you didn't)- there was just something in the air that night, something that was telling me to back off; I had my chance to brighten her life by being a good friend and I made it worse. I'll phone the hospital for updates (because I don't get them fast enough the way I'm getting them now), but I'm not going to talk to her. Realizing that I've been relegated from "YOu're one of the few friends who I want as a permanent fixture in my life" to "I guess it would be nice, but I don't care too much if you're not around" screams that it would be better not to call. This is not out of anger; this is out of respect for the life she's creating for herself. Maybe a part of me misses when she called me family (this was before we dated)- it's a relaization that no matter how polite she is, I know what I did- I ruined a good strong bond.
For the record, none of this is meant to have any romantic overtones- I wax poetic when I'm having depressive episodes.
So, sorry Kaitlyn, if I judged the situation incorrectly. Know that I wanted to call, but it's just too late for me to be in a situation where I screwed up to the extent that my friendship is only grudgingly accepted. Ok that sounded a little more bitterthan I wanted it to. I'm not bitter at all, just beginning to accept the situation that it is best that you be left with the people who mean the most to you.
Truth be told, I'm not depressed because of anything in particular. The episodes aren't really ever brought on my an external incident. I have little desire to imprive the situation anymore. I just wish there were a way of gauging whether my presence is welcome there or whether it was requested out of politeness, which would not be hte first time this has been done.