i am an emo kid right now and i hate it.
i hate being like this, i hate feeling like this.
things are just rough right now and its just complicating. i shouldnt be complaining i really shouldnt. most of my friends, especially my really close ones are gone so i dont feel like i have anywhere to turn. and for me, being on my own when im going through emotional shit is really frickin hard. because then i hold it all in and obsess over dumb things. god i miss them so much.
maybe its my lack of a sense of purpose. i know i just got back like a week ago but im used to being busy, having a goal, a purpose to fufill. im feeling so anti-productive. i feel in a complete limbo. not a part of high school, not a part of college. GET ME OUT OF HERE. i just need to do it so i can be busy and not live in the past.
and lets get to biggest drama of all....
MAX.
i bet u didnt guess that one was coming did ya?
-number of phone calls i have recieved from him since i left england= 1
and this phone call was in response to after i called him. i pick up, hear his voice, say an enthusiastic "hi!!!" and he says "hey, what do you want?"
what do i want? thats all you have to say to your fuckin girlfriend who you are supposed to love and think about EVERY FUCKIN ONCE AND AWHILE.
-number of texts i have recieved since i left england= 1 and it read " hey do you have beckie's phone number, i wanted to hang out with her?"
beckie is my friend from new york that we both met at seminar who is in ashland at the same time as him. but once again, that is all i get.
lets get some backround here because i am all over the place. this entry is boud to be full of typos and wrong everything because im going off of one very upset stream of consiousness (sp?) in case you dont know me at all, max lives in england, lana lives in america. we see eachother 3 times a year. it is very important that lana and max communicate in any way they can during the many monthes in between if they want a real relationship to last. ill stop talking in 3rd person. back in the begining we emailed EVERYDAY, every single day. and if we were too busy or too anything we would send a few lines saying sorry for the lack of communication. we would both at up b4 school at like 6am to make sure that an email got to the other person if we were busy the night b4. slowly emails got less frequent but always every other day for pretty much the whole year. without those i wouldnt know anything about what was going on in his life and vice versa. right before i went to england he stopped emailing alltogether, he barley ever has time to talk on the internet or phone. im fuckin busy too but i MAKE THE TIME. because it's something thats actually worth it to me. then obviously we were together for a month and we got to have a semi normal relationship with lots of communication.
sometimes, even in england, he was just so cold. he would get in moods were he wouldnt wanna talk to me, touch me, show affection. and i would feel really rejected. and then he would switch back and be like "i love u soo much blah blah" well before i left i told him that i was worried about our lack of communication at home and we have to keep putting in the effort. this relationship is always on the brink and its been so good and so strong because we have worked so hard at it but it is something so precious that it can break in a split second. i feel like ive been the one caring, the one clutching to hold it together. max knows that i get very upset in leaving, he KNOWS i need to hear the reassurance of his voice, to be reminded that he does care. and he couldnt spend two fuckin minutes of his time to help me out.
like four days after i got home max had a short layover at SFO b4 going to ashland. so of course i drove all the way to the airport with freshly made brownies, a welcome to america/thankyou card for having me this summer, and two mix's of our favorite music because his ipod was being weird. do i even get a thank you? in the card i just asked again for a quick text every so often of a short email or maybe an actual phone call. AM I REALLY ASKING THAT MUCH? and did i get it? nope. i give and i give and i give some more and dont get me wrong, i give because i love him and i want to. but im getting NOTHING back. the entire time hes been in ashland i have gotten no contact. oh but he has the time to call other girls to hang out. and he has the time to write detailed myspace comments to other girls or other friends from seminar letting them know what hes been up to and how much he misses them. all i want to know is how he's doing. what he's up to. im not even asking for "oh lana i love u etc" ive had to go from together 24:7 to nothing, cold turley. im already scared shitless that our lifestyles are growing more and more different. im hanging on by a thread and holding on for dear life.
but now im PISSED. its not not fair. why do i have to cry myself to sleep missing him, thinking about him, wondering if i should call and he doesnt give a fuck? he cant say we are in a relationship and then not pay any attention to it. im treated lower than people he doesnt even know that well right now. we fuckin may as well be on a break because i am being treated like i dont matter at all and its not fair. it leaves me empty. i want him in my life more than anything but i dont have that right now. i feel like we r broken up when we are "together" but we arent. we have some title but what are we keeping the title for if he doesnt care and cant sacrifice 2 seconds for me. he gets so pissed off when i ask if he loves me but this is why i ask. i love him but i cant do this relationship like this.
"oh see you at christmas" and then nothing untill then? WHO CAN DO THAT?
please make me feel like im on top of the world and loved and that i have something and then put it on hold for five monthes. i dont deserve that. he cant just be in my life when he "feels like it". i dont want to have to force my boyfriend to love me, to want to talk to me, to care about how im doing. he doesnt know i went to LA for orientation, he doesnt know that i was summoned for jury duty, he doesnt know how lonley i feel, he doesnt know how scared and angry and upset and depressed i feel! he doesnt know anything about my life right now. and maybe im getting carried away and drawing this whole thing into something its not but its how i feel. and when day after day i feel intense pain from this and he doesnt give a shit, that just tells me that something is not ok.
it sends me over the edge to think about a break or a break up or whatever the fuck u wanna call it. but i feel like it could be close. but then it probably wont happen for another two monthes because he wont even contact me until then. how long does it take to remember u have a girlfriend? we'll see. he is the one i should be talking to about this right now but of course thats impossible. i dont know what to do. i have no fuckin clue.
ive gotten into this rut were i cannot stop thinking about it. i take a break for an hour or too and then im back to bawling because im just so lost in this whole siuation.i feel so un-loved and that is the worst feeling in the world when ive put so much love out there and put myself on the line only to be rejected. god i feel like an idiot. and i hate him for being an asshole and at the same time all i want is to be in his arms because then everything would be fine again. i can't do this relationship alone! yet this is also showing me what life completly without him is like. and its hell. why is he being like this? what did i do? did i love him too much? was that my crime? god i hate this.
things are just rough right now and its just complicating. i shouldnt be complaining i really shouldnt. most of my friends, especially my really close ones are gone so i dont feel like i have anywhere to turn. and for me, being on my own when im going through emotional shit is really frickin hard. because then i hold it all in and obsess over dumb things. god i miss them so much.
maybe its my lack of a sense of purpose. i know i just got back like a week ago but im used to being busy, having a goal, a purpose to fufill. im feeling so anti-productive. i feel in a complete limbo. not a part of high school, not a part of college. GET ME OUT OF HERE. i just need to do it so i can be busy and not live in the past.
and lets get to biggest drama of all....
MAX.
i bet u didnt guess that one was coming did ya?
-number of phone calls i have recieved from him since i left england= 1
and this phone call was in response to after i called him. i pick up, hear his voice, say an enthusiastic "hi!!!" and he says "hey, what do you want?"
what do i want? thats all you have to say to your fuckin girlfriend who you are supposed to love and think about EVERY FUCKIN ONCE AND AWHILE.
-number of texts i have recieved since i left england= 1 and it read " hey do you have beckie's phone number, i wanted to hang out with her?"
beckie is my friend from new york that we both met at seminar who is in ashland at the same time as him. but once again, that is all i get.
lets get some backround here because i am all over the place. this entry is boud to be full of typos and wrong everything because im going off of one very upset stream of consiousness (sp?) in case you dont know me at all, max lives in england, lana lives in america. we see eachother 3 times a year. it is very important that lana and max communicate in any way they can during the many monthes in between if they want a real relationship to last. ill stop talking in 3rd person. back in the begining we emailed EVERYDAY, every single day. and if we were too busy or too anything we would send a few lines saying sorry for the lack of communication. we would both at up b4 school at like 6am to make sure that an email got to the other person if we were busy the night b4. slowly emails got less frequent but always every other day for pretty much the whole year. without those i wouldnt know anything about what was going on in his life and vice versa. right before i went to england he stopped emailing alltogether, he barley ever has time to talk on the internet or phone. im fuckin busy too but i MAKE THE TIME. because it's something thats actually worth it to me. then obviously we were together for a month and we got to have a semi normal relationship with lots of communication.
sometimes, even in england, he was just so cold. he would get in moods were he wouldnt wanna talk to me, touch me, show affection. and i would feel really rejected. and then he would switch back and be like "i love u soo much blah blah" well before i left i told him that i was worried about our lack of communication at home and we have to keep putting in the effort. this relationship is always on the brink and its been so good and so strong because we have worked so hard at it but it is something so precious that it can break in a split second. i feel like ive been the one caring, the one clutching to hold it together. max knows that i get very upset in leaving, he KNOWS i need to hear the reassurance of his voice, to be reminded that he does care. and he couldnt spend two fuckin minutes of his time to help me out.
like four days after i got home max had a short layover at SFO b4 going to ashland. so of course i drove all the way to the airport with freshly made brownies, a welcome to america/thankyou card for having me this summer, and two mix's of our favorite music because his ipod was being weird. do i even get a thank you? in the card i just asked again for a quick text every so often of a short email or maybe an actual phone call. AM I REALLY ASKING THAT MUCH? and did i get it? nope. i give and i give and i give some more and dont get me wrong, i give because i love him and i want to. but im getting NOTHING back. the entire time hes been in ashland i have gotten no contact. oh but he has the time to call other girls to hang out. and he has the time to write detailed myspace comments to other girls or other friends from seminar letting them know what hes been up to and how much he misses them. all i want to know is how he's doing. what he's up to. im not even asking for "oh lana i love u etc" ive had to go from together 24:7 to nothing, cold turley. im already scared shitless that our lifestyles are growing more and more different. im hanging on by a thread and holding on for dear life.
but now im PISSED. its not not fair. why do i have to cry myself to sleep missing him, thinking about him, wondering if i should call and he doesnt give a fuck? he cant say we are in a relationship and then not pay any attention to it. im treated lower than people he doesnt even know that well right now. we fuckin may as well be on a break because i am being treated like i dont matter at all and its not fair. it leaves me empty. i want him in my life more than anything but i dont have that right now. i feel like we r broken up when we are "together" but we arent. we have some title but what are we keeping the title for if he doesnt care and cant sacrifice 2 seconds for me. he gets so pissed off when i ask if he loves me but this is why i ask. i love him but i cant do this relationship like this.
"oh see you at christmas" and then nothing untill then? WHO CAN DO THAT?
please make me feel like im on top of the world and loved and that i have something and then put it on hold for five monthes. i dont deserve that. he cant just be in my life when he "feels like it". i dont want to have to force my boyfriend to love me, to want to talk to me, to care about how im doing. he doesnt know i went to LA for orientation, he doesnt know that i was summoned for jury duty, he doesnt know how lonley i feel, he doesnt know how scared and angry and upset and depressed i feel! he doesnt know anything about my life right now. and maybe im getting carried away and drawing this whole thing into something its not but its how i feel. and when day after day i feel intense pain from this and he doesnt give a shit, that just tells me that something is not ok.
it sends me over the edge to think about a break or a break up or whatever the fuck u wanna call it. but i feel like it could be close. but then it probably wont happen for another two monthes because he wont even contact me until then. how long does it take to remember u have a girlfriend? we'll see. he is the one i should be talking to about this right now but of course thats impossible. i dont know what to do. i have no fuckin clue.
ive gotten into this rut were i cannot stop thinking about it. i take a break for an hour or too and then im back to bawling because im just so lost in this whole siuation.i feel so un-loved and that is the worst feeling in the world when ive put so much love out there and put myself on the line only to be rejected. god i feel like an idiot. and i hate him for being an asshole and at the same time all i want is to be in his arms because then everything would be fine again. i can't do this relationship alone! yet this is also showing me what life completly without him is like. and its hell. why is he being like this? what did i do? did i love him too much? was that my crime? god i hate this.